//------------------------------// // Generosity, Given To Me Against My Will. // Story: An Anti-Brony Goes to Equestria. // by SilverOrion //------------------------------// "Weeeeeeee! You're all better! That's great, because I thought that since I was going to take you all around Equestria, we could start with the Rambling Rock Ridge. Whaddya say?" I rolled my eyes, then stared back at Pinkie. Apathetic. "Whatever. Let's just get all of this over with." I grumbled. "No problem!" Pinkie chimed happily, as she continued to hop down the street, supposedly in the direction of where you would "hop" to get to this... "Rambling Rock Ridge." I sighed, and followed her, feeling... almost nothing, now. Here I was, trapped in the middle of a television show for little girls. Not only that, but it was looking like this would be my new home. Forever. Damn. It. At least it wasn't as bad as I'd expect it to be. So far, all of the... "Ponies"... didn't seem brain-dead to me. But that aside, I was seeing a pattern of there being a little heart shape on practically everything I could see - doors, windows, fences, you name it, either had hearts on them or were actually hearts themselves. Pink hearts, at that. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that after a while, I could probably get used to it, although it was the most gay place I had ever visited in my life. Honestly, I'd probably rather live in some totalitarian government on Earth than to be here right now. I think the only thing in the world that could make my life even worse than it already was, was for the ponies here to be brain-dead, girly, ugly-looking excuses for animation. After seeing everything I'd seen, I figured things could probably be worse. "Oh look, we're here!" Pinkie announced. Huh, that trip to the train was fast. I look up from my personal moping to see a train station. A train station with bright colors which I'd expect to see in the little girl's toys aisle at a department store. That, and it had a heart for a window in the front car. Yep, this was definitely the girliest thing I'd seen this whole time. Dammit! Why did I have to forget the "It could be worse" curse in the worst possible place in my life? "C'mon, Meanie Pants, we have to get on the train before it leaves!" "Wait," I stammered, "We're getting on that train?" Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes playfully. "Well, duh! What train did you think I was talking about this whole time?" Two words: No. Way. There was no way that I was going to sacrifice the last spark of my manliness be getting on a girly train in the land of Equestria. Not in this life, not in the next, not in any life. I needed to refuse. I knew Pinkie was going to push me, so I tried my best to remember the refusal skills I had learned in my health education class from my grade school days. Those refusal skills were originally for saying no to drugs, but... The situation called for it. Big time. "Pinkie Pie," I began, feeling unnerved by the moment, "I am sorry to say, that it goes against my values as a man to ride a train designed by girls, for girls, in a televesion show... for girls." Pinkie Pie stared at me for a moment, then broke out laughing, saying "Meanie Pants, you silly, this train isn't designed for girls, it's designed for ponies!" ~ ~ ~ The Impossible Love Between Pinkie Pie, and an Anti-Brony. A Shipping Story. -Clouds form overhead, causing rain to pour. Pinkie Pie's mane is weighed down by the downpour of rain. Thunder is heard from the distance. Dramatic music is played offstage in the orchestra pit, primarily consisting of violins playing a melancholic melody. Bob breaks the silence in a cry of dismay. "Pinkie Pie, that train is covered from head to toe - no - roof to floor, in hearts! Hearts, bright colors from the pink aisle at speedyguy mart, and not only that, but it's pink! I hate it!" "B-but I'm pink," Pinkie Pie stammered, "Does this mean you don't love me?" "Love you? You're a pink pony! I never loved you!" Exit Pinkie Pie, wailing in sorrow as she gallops out of the scene. "How could she think that I loved her? She, a pony, and me, a human being!" The orchestra begins to play another song as Bob begins to sing "How could she love me? How could she care? Why did I scold her? It isn't faaaaaair!" "I was never truly loved, a single day in my life, But then one love did come, and I treated her with strife!" "Why was I so foolis- "Cut! Cut! Hold everything! I thought I was reading a comedy, not some cliche ship fic between an anti-brony and Pinkie Pie!" But it had to be done at some poi- "No! No! It's horrible! I hate it! Where's the director?" The who? "The director, you idiot! I need to see who's responsible for making this deeply woven comedy with a message, into a courtly love inspired retelling of beauty and the beast!" ...Well, I'm certainly not the... ahem... director. Not at all... "Well, where is he then?" ...You know what? Why don't we move on with the story. In fact, why don't you pick off from where the story left off, hm? Silence. "Fine, I'll start up this story again. Now, where were we? Ah, yes, Bob is using his refusal skills to combat Pinkie Pie's irresistibly positive attitude. Ahem." ~ ~ ~ An Anti-Brony Goes to Equestria. "Pinkie Pie, I don't think you understand." I continued, trying to reason with this... sadistic, pink pony, "That train is pink, and has heart-shaped windows." "Yep!" Pinkie responded, "just like it always does! Gotta love that train!" "Pinkie Pie. I am a male. And because I am a male, I cannot physically get on that train." I put simply. Maybe she'd just leave the topic alone after I said that. Maybe she'd "get the message." But no. Not Pinkie Pie. "Pff! Well of course you can get on that train, goofy! Oh no, it looks like she's about to break into son- "It's not very far, just move your little rump! You can make it if you try with a hop, skip, and jump! A hop, skip, and jump! Just move your little rump! A hop, skip, and jump!" "Pinkie..." "A hop, skip, and jump! Just move your little rump!" "Pinkie..." "A hop, skip, and jump! A hop, skip, and jump! A hop, skip and-" "A HOP, SKIP, AND JUMP MY ASS, PINKIE PIE! I AM NOT, IN THIS LIFE OR THE NEXT, EVER, EVER, EVER, GOING TO STEP HOOF...erm... FOOT, ON THAT TRAIN! EVER!" - - - What they don't tell you in health education is, that if you refuse to get on a pink, girly train in the middle of Equestria, then Pinkie Pie will encourage you to try one of her "Rainbow Cupcakes," which is actually a cupcake with chloroform frosting, which will knock you out when you smell/eat it. Just kidding, I was just being myself and cracking sick jokes about these girly ponies so that I can survive here. Knocking other ponies out with chloroform cupcakes is probably the last thing on Pinkie's mind right now. Although, she was torturing me by literally tearing, hacking, and cutting off my masculinity by practically forcing me to get on this hellish train. Rest assured, nothing could possibly be more disturbing and frightening than being mutilated of your very identity as a male. How did Pinkie Pie convince me to get on this train? Don't ask. Please. Out of agonized boredom, I looked over at Pinkie Pie, who was sitting across from me in the train car. Her eyes were closed in happy half-circles as she bounced up and down in her chair in excitement (probably because she had the opportunity to show me around Equestria, since I was brand new here and all), and with every bounce, there was this "boingy" sound which came from her. I have no idea where that sound was coming from, but knowing this pony, it seemed like anything could happen. I looked away at the train car window, imagining it without the bright blue, partly cloudy sky, and with dark rainclouds instead. I imagined raindrops, slowly trailing down the heart-shaped windowpane. That's how it always was in horrible movies where the protagonist was trapped in some prison camp far, far away from home. Yes, I was not in a prison camp, but honestly, I may as well have been in one. A prison camp decorated with pink hearts, balloons, and bright blue tents, along with big, moist, sweet slices of cake for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, with prison guards who wore smiles plastered on their faces, with happiness everywhere, including dancing and singing galore. "This pony's trying to kill me..." I grumbled, my fuzzy forehead thudding against the window in deprived, tortured, drawn out agony. Maybe thinking about Ruth again would brighten things up a little. I had been having a relationship with Ruth for a little while before she dumped me. To sum it all up, we had more bumps than pleasure cruises as far as our time together had gone. I was always the sexist, the pervert, and the angry one, according to her. Honestly, I could go ahead and justify all three of those on the spot; and I did, too. I wasn't a sexist, the man is always just ahead of things is all; I wasn't perverted, I was just following my instincts; and as for being angry, I had enough problems with my life, and being angry is just the product of all that - it's was a part of me. Of course, she didn't buy any of that. She'd always say that we're all human beings on the same level, and no one's ahead of anyone; she'd say that if that was my idea of what's natural, then she didn't want to have anything to do with me; and finally, she said that the problems in my life don't force me to be a certain way. I always hated how everything she said had this ring of truth to them - it made me feel like I was being rebuked or something. But besides the nitpicking, we had little sparks of happiness together which had made us want to try and make the relationship work. I remember the time that we went to the zoo together. I surprised Ruth one day by telling her I had bought tickets for us to go and see the different animals which would be exclusively shown that day only. I knew Ruth would love the trip because of her love for animals, and when she heard about the tickets I had bought, she was more than excited. When we had went to the zoo that day, it was one of... those days. You plan on going someplace special, hoping for beautiful weather, but it turns out to be cold, damp, and cloudy. We went to the zoo anyway, since I'd already bought the tickets, and we'd only be wasting them if we didn't use them. We brought our jackets with us to keep us warm as we walked around the zoo, seeing the big cats first. After the big cats, we went to see the bears, the apes, and the swamp exhibit, and the ocean exhibit. Finally, we went to see the limited time showing of the animals which had been brought to the zoo, which had consisted of tropical birds, lizards, and other forest creatures. In the end, we were on our way out when Ruth noticed something in our map of the zoo - an equine exhibit. Ruth. Loved. Equines. Personally, I thought it was funny. "You're a girl, and you like horses? You don't say!" I joked, referencing the meme, but she was serious. Apparently she grew up in a family which had a house next to a stable, where they took care of horses, ponies, and mules. In fact, it was a family business, taking care of the animals, treating wounded animals, and selling them to caring owners. Then she started to talk about all these facts about horses that I didn't know about, like "did you know that ponies and horses are not the same species?" and "did you know mules come from the procreation of female horses and male donkeys?". As she kept going on and on, I could tell she was very passionate about horses. Needless to say, we went to see the equine exhibit. Although I went into the exhibit feeling skeptical about liking any of it, I found that equines were pretty interesting animals once I gave them a chance. Thinking about the predicament I was in now, I realized how good times had been back then. And you know... I think I could have been better. As the train's brakes started to screech, my train of thought was broken. I realized that my face had been planted on the windowpane this whole time. "We're here! Get up sleepyhead!" "I wasn't sleepi-oof! Ugh! Ow! Pinkie-agh! I'm not sleep-oof! Agh!" Pinkie Pie took me off guard with how she suddenly started shaking me back and forth at inhuman cartoon speeds, causing me to blur, and causing me to hit my head on the windowpane over and over. I swear, if this Pinkie Pie doesn't give me a headache by the end of today, then I'll fry my eyes out with pointer lasers. "We've made it to the Rambling Rock Ridge! See?" I looked out the window to see a barren wasteland with rolling hills and patches of tall shrubs. Actually, with the contrast between the ridge and the bright blue sky, what would have looked like a place where things die, actually looked pretty inviting. But it was still gay. I sighed with a sigh which said "I don't care," which Pinkie Pie didn't seem to notice. As we trotted out of the train car (thank Celestia I'm out of there) I soon found myself standing on a wooden deck, kind of like what you'd see at yellowstone park. Apparently, the deck itself was the loading and unloading platform for the train, since it was the only wooden platform to be seen. Anywhere. Pinkie Pie started doing that boingy thing again while she bounced (I still don't know how she does that) while I looked around at the different ponies on the deck, out of agonized boredom. A few male and female ponies stood around, with either travel bags or briefcases sitting next to them. They all looked colorful and different, except for two of them, who were even more different from the rest. I could tell that they were male, judging by the shape of their muzzle in comparison to the other male ponies. One of them was wearing a black beret, a red cape, and what appeared to be a vest hidden underneath it. Oh, and he also had a burnt orange coat with a lime green mane, and pegasus wings. Second stallion (or colt, whatever they are) was taller than the first one, and wore what was some kind of pirate hat, as well as a suit which fit the whole pirate look that he had. This pony had a silvery coat with a deep blue mane. I knew I never saw them before, but I didn't realize Pinkie hadn't either. The instant she saw them, her eyes went wide, she gasped, and she suddenly burred out of sigh, transforming into a pink streak, until she suddenly stopped right in front of both of the two characters. "Ooh! Ooh! I'veneverseeneitherofyouponiesbefore! Areyounewtoequestria?" The two colts looked at each other, confused, before looking back at Pinkie. "Yeah, we've been here before." the colt with the beret stated. "And no, we haven't." added the colt with the pirate hat. I trotted up to the two ponies, since there was nothing else to do, before sitting on the ground and looking at the both of them, resent building up in myself that I was actually involved in a conversation with these cute, girly ponies. "...So what're your names?" Pinkie Pie responded, after blanking out for a moment after the two colt's reply. "Puck," the colt with the beret replied, "the only magic pegasus!" "Quirk," the colt with the pirate hat replied, "captain of the S.S.Aweship." "Sounds gay." I spat. "Sounds cool!" Said Pinkie Pie "Sounds awesome!" Said Phil. Wait. PHIL?!?! Turns out, Phil and Twilight had also been on the train (don't ask me why, I have no idea why) with us the whole time. I cannot express the rage in my little pony heart at Phil at that very moment. "Phil? Why are YOU here?!?!" "After that talk we had back at the library, me and Twilight thought it would be good for us to be here with you, since you're new in town." Then he crouched down low, and whispered in my ear. "Don't worry, we completely understand about your name problem." "I DON'T HAVE A FUCKIN' NAME PROBLEM, BITCH!" I shouted, losing my temper. "That's not a very nice thing to say, Meanie Pants," Puck teased. "MY NAME IS NOT FUCKIN' MEANIE PANTS!" I howled. "No, its' not Fuckin' Meanie Pants," Puck assured me. I felt a little better. "It's Meanie Pants, of course," Puck finished. Now I felt like slugging Puck. "Alright everypony, let's calm down, and stop talking about Pants." Twilight announced, before turning to me and asking, "Is that alright? If we just call you Pants?" I grumbled indiscernible cuss words at her which were so vile, my mother would spray drain cleaning fluid down my throat if she heard them. "Besides, we need to get back to business," proclaimed Quirk (erm, Captain Quirk). "What business is that?" Twilight asked. Captain Quirk cleared his throat, then began. "Me and my skipper Puck here were scavenging the Ridge for valuables, when diamond dogs came and purged us of our own valuables. Namely, a special treasure which we cannot afford to lose. We've been scanning the Ridge for some time now, but with no sign of them." "What treasure was it?" Twilight asked. "A gay treasure." I deadpanned. "A transfiguration artifact." My eyes went wide (in a cute pony way. eugh) when he said that. "Trasfigurwhooda?" Pinkie asked. "A transfiguration artifact," Puck answered, "ponies can use it to turn into any creature they want to, and back if they like." "A transfiguration artifact..." I mumbled, hope filling my dreams. If I could get that transfiguration artifact, then I could change myself back to a human! I'd be saved! And look, Phil's stuck here in the Rumbling Rock Ridge, following me when he could have been working on fixing the parallel universe projector! Aha! Victory may be mine yet! If I can just get my hooves on that transfiguration artifact, I'd be home free! "Whoohoo!" I shouted in euphoria. The other ponies stared at me awkwardly after my little "shout of glee" episode there. "I mean, uh, transfiguration artifact, right..." I said. "Of course, those diamond dogs are too dull to comprehend how to use the transfiguration artifact, therefore it is highly unlikely that they will be able to use it. As a result, there is no threat to Equestria on account of the fact that these diamond dogs could theoretically become draconiqi. Nevertheless, we must investigate the area, and retrieve the transfiguration artifact, at once." "Ooh! Ooh! Can we help?" Pinkie chimed. "If that transfiguration artifact can really do what you say it can, then I really don't want to think about what those diamond dogs would do with. I'll help you get it back." Twilight said. "I know I'm not a pony, but... If it means saving Equestria, I'm totally game for it," said Phil. Then they all stared at me. Of course they did. As if I even had a choice in the matter. I didn't really care, though. If I could get my hands on that transfiguration artifact, then I could change back to a human, punch Phil, and finish repairing the parallel universe projector. "Suuuuuuurrrrreeeee," I said casually (possibly slyly), "I'll heeellp yooouuu." "Fantastic!" Quirk responded enthusiastically, "with more of us together, I have a new plan!" "What plan is that?" Twilight asked. "We can spread out and search the diamond dog's hideout." Quirk announced, "With only me and Puck, it would have taken an eon to find the transfiguration artifact. But with all four of you, looking for the artifact will be expedited expediently!" Honestly, a difference of four people... erm, ponies... didn't seem like much to me, but... oh well. Within minutes, we were out in the ridge and in a small valley where there were about fifty holes scattered around here and there. In seconds after that, we stood at our holes, gave a wave to each other, and ventured forth into the deep, dark tunnels. Which smelled like. Well. Dogs. As I kept crawling deeper and deeper, it got darker and darker. That is, until sparkles and glimmers in the tunnel walls began to illuminate the confined space I was in. Those sparkles and glimmers, were gemstone shards. Alright, so that was a little cool, tunnels lit up by light refracted by multicolored gemstone shards. But it was still gay. After about... say... thirty minutes of this crawling in tunnels, I started to get a little frustrated. No, scratch that. Very frustrated. I wasn't finding the transfiguration artifact. Sure, I didn't expect this to be easy, just I expected that, well... I dunno. That aside, I started to get even more frustrated at the thought of one of the others finding the artifact first. If somepony else found it first, then I wouldn't have the chance to use it to turn back to a human, which would spell failure for my secret, devious plight to beat Phil at his game. And if I failed my plight to stop Phil, then I'd be stuck in Equestria forever for sure. "Dammit!" I shouted, stomping the ground. Then I started jumping up and down, causing dirt to fall from the ceiling, while I closed my eyes tight, and started to yell "Dammit! Sonofabitch! Dammit! DammitDammitDammit! Dammit!" I opened my eyes. I was looking at another pair of eyes. Another pair of eyes, owned by a grey, dog-like animal wearing clothing that made me think of the guy named Chico at the MotoLube I took my hummer to the other day. I still think Chico ruined my radio on purpose so that I'd have to get it fixed by him. Again. "What're you doing here, pony!" the dog demanded. "Out of my way." I scowled, trying to push past him. Instead of me passing him, he hopped back and stretched his arms out to the wall, blocking my path. "You can't pass 'till you tell me what you're doing here, pony!" he said again. That's it. No dog was gonna push me around. "You wanna know what I'm doing here?" "What do you think I want?" "You really want to know?" "Stop playing with me, pony!" "Well here's what I'm doing here!" I said sarcastically, as I socked him in the face with my hoof, leaving a mark on his girly-tv-show-doggie-face. "Agh!" he grunted from the punch. "You want more? You want a piece of me?" I said, banging my hooves on my chest and advancing on him like the gangster I was. "Ah, dangit! What're you crazy-oof!" he said, before I slugged him before he could finish. "You want to know what I'm doing here? Do you? I've been trapped in a little girl's tv show, and in a pony body, and you want to know what I'm doing here? Well I'm the diamond dog terminator, bitch!" I shouted. The diamond dog ran away pretty quickly, more out of bewilderment than anything. Feeling like I was cooling off from that diamond dog's sass, I looked around to get my bearings. Tunnel? Check. Gemstone shards? Check. Suspicious looking tablet? Check. Wait. What? Just beside where the diamond dog was standing, was an old-looking rock tablet with some strange inscription on it. Except for the bottom of it, where my pony mind was somehow able to interpret it as saying "transfiguration artifact: no refunds." I clunked my hooves together with glee before trotting up to the tablet and examining it for myself. Let's see... there were two triangles on the tablet, where your front forelegs (or hooves) would supposedly go. Above that was an old-timey rhyme. I guessed that that was what you were supposed to say in order to make it work. And above that was a circle with five holes in it, evenly spaced, with one circle in the middle which was connected to the other circles by a line for each; like a wheel and spokes. Had no idea what that was for. Licking my lips with maniacal anticipation, I placed my hooves on the two different triangles. I opened my mouth, and began to recite the rhyme, and suddenly- "Meanie Pants, you found it!" My blood went cold at the sound of Puck's voice. Oh no, he was not ruining this. "Found what?" I said obliviously. "The transfiguration artifact!" He responded. "Oh, this thing?" I asked. "Yeah, that thing." "Yeah, well... Finder's keepers, Puck." "...What?" "Yep," I said confidently, wagging the tablet in Puck's face,"haven't you heard of finder's keepers? Since I found it, it's mine." "...You can't do that!" "Well I just did." "Pants," Twilight objected, as she seemed to suddenly appear in the scene, "the tablet doesn't belong to you!" "Well it does now!" I said selfishly, raising my voice in aggravation. "C'mon, Pants, give it back." Phil said. Now Phil was in the same little cavern I was in? "Alright, where are you all coming from?" I objected, feeling more than confused. "We heard you using foul language," replied Quirk, "and then we heard a scuffle. We went to the sound of the fight as soon as was timely." Dammit. "Alright, listen, this is my transfiguration artifact," I said, hugging the tablet close to me, "and I'm gonna use it!" "But it doesn't belong to you, Pants," Twilight encouraged, "we know you had a rough childhood, but-" "This has nothing to do with my fucking childhood!" I screamed. "Of course it has nothing to do with your fucking childhood." Puck assured. "Thanks, Puc-" "It just has to do with your childhood." I threw the tablet on the ground at my feet in rage, then started stomping the ground in a tantrum. "Pants, you can give it back, we believe in you." Twilight cooed "You have a spark of generosity in your heart, don't you Pants?" Phil asked. They all started looking at me with these big, watery eyes. No. NOT THE EYES! NOT THE EYES! Wait, where's Pinkie Pie? I looked down to see Pinkie Pie poking out of the ground, wearing a mole costume with whiskers drawn onto her face by a marker. She had big, pleading eyes too. The sadness was painful - it was torture. Breaking out in tears, I slowly inched the tablet forward towards Puck. Slowly. Giving it. Back. "Thank you, Pants." Twilight said. "Thank you," confirmed Quirk. "That was very big-hearted of you, Pants," Phil assured. "Thanks, Meanie Pants," Puck said Pinkie Pie didn't say anything, she just hugged me. In a fuzzy, cuddly, cute kind of way-oh mother of mary why am I enjoying this? WHYYYYYYYY!!!!! NONONONOOOOOOO Then they all broke out singing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" as they carried me out of the tunnel and back to the train in victory, while I started crying, with tears shooting out of my eyes like garden hoses.