I... Didn't know what to think.
Here I was, trapped in a little girl's television show, while being dragged along a path to this... "Ponyville"... By a pink, unfailingly happy pony.
The only thing I did, was stare at the sky. Y'know, the clouds here were different - all curved and swirly. besides that, it looked like an animated sky far, far above me. I wondered what the guys would be doing today. Probably drinking, watching old football games, and maybe even passing around one or two porn mags. And what would I being doing? Exploring the magical land of Equestria.
Fate was a cruel, cruel mistress.
I was about to open my mouth to say "Damn you Phil," but no sound came out. Just a long, agonized... and cute... squeak, silently speaking of the turmoils churning inside of my violated anti-brony heart. It was as if all of the curses I could use at that moment were extinguished by the mere gravity of the situation. If Zecora found a cure for me, and I could be cured, would I still be able to reach the parallel universe projector in time before Phil closed it - if Phil would close it? And what if Zecora never found a cure for me? Then I'd be trapped in a prepubescent girl's television show. Forever, and ever, and for all eternity. At least, I felt it was implied that I'd spend eternity here, since a cartoon is basically an immortal being. If that was the case, Equestria was the circle of hell for haters and trolls - including anti-bronies, such as myself.
Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the circles of hell. In fact, I read up on them in the poem, "Dante's Inferno". It was my favorite book to read in my college literature prerequisite class, since it was about countless people getting the punishment they deserved. I just hated being on the other end of the stick as far as that was concerned.
"Daammiitt," I squeaked in a slow, painful voice.
"Don't worry, Meanie Pants, we've almost made it to Ponyville - Aloe and Lotus can fix you up as good as new!... Ooh, ooh, there it is, see?"
I tilted my tortured head in the direction that Pinkie Pie was trotting. It was a fair-sized town with countess little cottages.
Gay. Definitely gay.
I let my head fall back onto the ground, feeling more sorry for myself than I had when my ex found a porn mag that one of the guys had lended me for the week. She thought I was a pervert, I thought I was just being a guy. Maybe it wasn't any wonder that that had happened a couple weeks before the little car incident I mentioned earlier, with my short little anti-brony monologue that I shouted in the car when she just so happening to be sitting right beside me, finally ending in a broken up relationship the day after. I wondered what she was up to right about now.
Meh, well, whatever she was doing, she wasn't in Equestria. Like me.
Time must have passed pretty quickly for me when I was lost in thought like that, because we started to pass some other ponies, as well as some cottages, on our way into... the heart of Ponyville.
"See? We're here!" Chimed Pinkie Pie, as she started hopping again.
Of course, she was hopping on a brick path now instead of a nice, soft, dirt path like before, and since she was still carrying me by my tail, I got to be dropped onto the hard, brick path over and over again, silently groaning
"Ow,"
"Ouch,"
"Agh,"
over and over, but not necessarily in that order.
Just as my cute cartoon head was starting to hurt, Pinkie Pie suddenly stopped, and pointed to a building that was next to us. A tall, tacky looking building that looked like something you'd see someone eating for dessert.
"That's Sugarcube Corner!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed, "I live there and work part-time for Mr. and Mrs. Cake."
Did she say Mr. and Mrs. Cake? Eugh.
She started hopping forward again.
"Ow,
Agh,
Oof,"
She stopped again, pointing to another building on the other side of the street.
"And that's the Ponyville post office over there!" Pinkie Pie chimed.
I looked to see that the post office was like any other cottage, just it was a little shorter and with a little more width than any of the other cottages. There was a basket full of muffins on its front porch with a ribbon on it and a letter. I couldn't read what it said for two reasons - one, it was far away, and two Pinkie Pie started hopping forward again. (Oh no, she's hopping forward agai-
"Oof,
Ouch,
Agh,
Ow,
Gah, my hea-
Oof!"
Pinkie finally stopped hopping forward once I was thoroughly dizzy from getting my head knocked on the brick pavement, pointing to a tree. No, a building. Wait, what?
"Aaaand that's the Ponyville library - that's where my friend Twilight lives!"
Twilight. Why does that name sound so famili-
Wait a second, that's who Phil was looking for! Twilight Sparkle!
Just as Pinkie was about to start hopping again, I quickly said "Wait, Pinkie, do you mean Twilight Sparkle?"
Pinkie stopped and looked at me.
"Well, duuh! Who else could she be?"
I didn't waste a second. I shot up into the air, hooves flailing beneath me, before landing on the ground and charging at the library at full speed - huh, cartoon ponies can run real fast when they're in a hurry - before practically slamming into the door.
Kicking the door open with my front hooves, I ran in and stopped to view the scene before me.
"PHIL! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"
Phil and... Twilight Sparkle, I guess? Were both looking at me. Phil had apparently just dropped a book on the floor by accident, and Twilight was in the process of picking it up with her magic.
"Well, sure, I mean, he dropped the book, but I wouldn't say that it was his fault." Twilight replied.
I looked away from Twilight, trotting right up to Phil.
Do you have any idea of what I've been through since you left me at the parallel universe projector, you fucking idiot?
Phil just looked down at me, looking thoroughly confused.
"Don't you pretend like you don't know who I am, Phil - you fucking did this to me, dammit!"
"Hokay, Meanie Pants, we should proooooobably get going." Pinkie cut in. Apparently, she followed me into the library. Didn't matter. As long as I was here, and Phil was there, I was going to show him what for, dammit!
"Meanie Pants... That's his name?" Twilight asked, with a face which seemed to ask "What kind of parents would name their kid Meanie Pants?"
"No, my name's-" I said, but Pinkie Pie interrupted, saying "-Yep, that's his name!"
I would have been so ticked off at Pinkie Pie's name for me, if it wasn't for the cheerful and innocent way that she said it.
"But I'm not Meanie Pants! I'm-"
"It's okay to feel embarrased by that name, Meanie." Twilight encouraged, "You must have had some really sick parents or something."
"But-"
"Don't worry, buddy, we're here for you." Said Phil, patting his hand on my back.
"If you ever want anypony to talk to, you can always talk to us." Twilight proclaimed inspirationally. It was almost heartwarming, except for the fact that MY NAME IS NOT MEANIE PANTS!
"Okie Dokie Lokie then!" Pinkie said, bouncing up and down before grabbing my tail once more and dragging me off to the spa again.
"I'll get you yet, Phil!" I shouted, waving my hoof at him. He just looked back at me with this forgiving, understanding face which felt so wrong to see, especially since I knew why he was looking at me like that. Sick parents, give me a break. Pinkie Pie named me that!
"Don't worry, Meanie Pants. Whenever any of my friends are feeling mad, I always take them to the spa. In fact, there was this one time when I met somepony named Cranky Doodle Donkey, and he was just like you, but a liiiiitle bit less mean, but he was still mad, so I took him to the spa and then he felt great! Maybe after you go to the spa, you'll feel great too!"
I allowed myself to be dragged by my tail again, my arms crossed on my chest while I was fuming over our quick conversation at the library. At the same time, I was feeling bad for whoever this "Cranky Doodle Donkey" was - I couldn't decide weather my new name was as bad as his was, or better. I wondered if he felt the same way about all of this that I did.
Aaaaand Pinkie Pie started hopping again. Oh n-
"Oof,
Agh,
Ouch,
Aw, fuck no-
Ergh!"
We stopped again, Pinkie Pie now pointing to a tall, round, elegant building which seemed to stand out from the other buildings in the town.
"And that's Rarity's Boutique over there!"
Rarity's Boutique. And let me guess - you can buy dresses and accessories there, right? Eugh, I hate my-
"Oof,
Agh,
Ouch,
Ohoh, that was a painful one-
Agh!"
Pinkie Pie took me off guard with her hopping that time, but at least she stopped. She dropped my tail this time, though.
"We're here, Meanie Pants - this is the spa!"
Pinkie announced, as she pointed to another building which also looked different from the other cottages. The building was rounded at the edges, had a coral color to it, and had a thatch roof with some steam was slowly rising from a small, metal chimney which sat picturesquely at the top of the building. To vacationers, it was an amazing, exotic place - the perfect image of a spa. To me, it was the torture chamber.
Pinkie Pie bent down to pick up my tail again, but this time I stood up before she could grab me.
"Fine, I'll just walk in... 'Pinkie Pie' ."
"Not a problem, Meanie Pants!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully.
Pinkie began trot towards the building, with me following close behind, until we came up to the door, and entered.
The sound of some music seeming to barely resemble an asian ambiance greeted me, along with the smell of an exotic, invigorating incense. The room matched the senses which greeted me as well, with relaxing colors decorating the plaster walls along with a floor made with natural materials, giving the room significantly more of a remote feel once you were inside.
I was freaking out a little, because there was a small, devilish part of me which was somehow enjoying this, but I was at least able to keep it bottled deep in my soul so that it wouldn't break out. Well, at least the incense was helping me to keep my head a little - it did seem to clear your mind, somehow. Was it some kind of special incense which would clear your thoughts and settle your emotions once you breathed it in? Nah, that was impossible - unless it was enchanted like that poison joke was. Eugh, mother of mary, please don't let this incense be enchanted!
"Hi Aloe! Are you busy today?"
I looked to see an apparently bored Aloe sitting at a counter, resting her head on her left hoof. She shook her head no to Pinkie's question.
"Oh, well we have a spa emergency for my friend here!"
Aloe's eyes widened with the sound of urgency in Pinkie's tone of voice.
"See, I found my friend here wandering around all beat up and all in the Everfree forest and it would be great if you girls could give him the utmost spa attention!"
Aloe sat up, shut her eyes professionally, and clapped her hooves together several times. As if on queue, another pony (inferredly Lotus) quickly trotted into the room through a door beside the counter.
"Please come this way, sir." she said.
Wonderful, it was a spa emergency in a little girl's show. I could feel my manliness slowly being stripped away.
Slowly.
Painfully.
Torturously.
...Dammit!
If it wasn't for Phil... No... If it wasn't for me, and my stupidity, I wouldn't be here. I couldn't believe how stupid I was, and I was going to have to be forced to spend the rest of my days in a show intended for little girls for the rest of eternity - all because I had to turn the car around and get back to the Roice lab, I had to go running through the halls to the parallel universe projector, and I had to risk my entire career over the guilty pleasure of being in the world of a hentai anime. And now, I was going to have to live with myself. Forever. Beginning with: a spa treatment.
- - -
Since I was already beat up from wandering in the Everfree, and I was being bruised over and over by thudding against the brick paving in Ponyville thanks to Pinkie Pie's hopping, we started off with bringing me to a hot water bath.
Settled in the bubbling hot water bath, I slowly began to feel more and more relaxed against my will. I began to feel the muscles in my body loosen up until they felt like warm noodles in the water. The water vapor from the bath slowly drifted up to my face, creating beads of water on my face in a horrifyingly relaxing way.
After about fifteen minutes of this, I was ushered out of the hot water bath for the next treatment. Personally, I already felt relaxed enough, but Aloe and Lotus were not having of my "No really, I feel fine" phrases. Not after what I'd been through, they said.
Alright, so trekking through the Everfree aimlessly was pretty bad, apparently. I just hoped this would all be over soon.
Next, a back massage. Laying down on my belly on a kind of padded table, bed thing (I've never actually been to a spa before in my life. Confession made) with my face looking at the ground. It wasn't long until those rubbery-feeling hooves were massaging my back. Unfortunately, something about being given a back massage by rubbery, cartoon pony hooves gave me the feeling that it would be more relaxing then the usual hand massages I'd get back at home, meaning attempting to retain my manliness any further would be even more difficult. After a minute or two, Lotus striked up a conversation.
"What did you say that your name was?" Lotus asked.
I mulled it over, and replied begrudgingly.
"My name is... 'Meanie Pants'."
"Oh my!" Aloe responded, "Your parents named you that?"
"I am so sorry," responded Lotus sorrowfully.
"Oh, yes, I had horrible parents," I replied sarcastically, thinking of Pinkie Pie in the process.
"Well, if that's the case, and since this is your first visit here... Then this spa treatment is on the house." Aloe said encouragingly.
"...Thanks?" I replied, not sure how to respond to that.
After that, they wanted to know how I wound up here, so I told them about how I just "woke up" in the Everfree forest, trying my best to keep the parallel universe projector out of it since that would only make the conversation even more awkward than it already was.
After several minutes of that back massage, I didn't really feel like I cared anymore, because it was that good of a back massage...
Bob, pull yourself together! You're in a little girl's show!
When the back massage was over, I felt... even more relaxed. Not to mention loosened up. Aloe and Lotus quickly ushered me over to a cool water bath, where I was able to relax in while the cold temperatures of the water gave me a more refreshed sensation. After cooling down in the cool water bath, I was brought back to the lobby.
Of course, Pinkie Pie, my guide in hell, was still there. That could only mean one thing. More of Equestria, with absolutely no escape.
Why did this have to happen to me?