"So remind me exactly what we're doing in the middle of a military exclusion zone at night again?" Hammond's mood had remained at a low all day, as thoughts of his defaced Land Rover had never strayed far from his mind.
The three men were currently squatting in a ditch, some four miles from the site of the 'anomaly' as it had come to be known. Even at such a distance, the portal could be made out, a long line of light that rose into the sky on the horizon.
"The producers are going to drop off the cars that we chose here, after which we need to make our way through the portal and complete a set of challenges like any other road trip we've been on, but with more extra-terrestrial life forms that may want to eat our brains" Jeremy supplied helpfully.
"What I really want to know" said James "Is why, of all the places in the entire world, a portal to an alternate dimension opened in Dorset."
The arrival of a small convoy interrupted their musings however, as four cars crested the top of a nearby hill.
Coming to a halt in front of the small group, men in white coats jumped out of the first three cars, and into the back of a Ford F250, which appeared to be the camera crew's selected mode of transportation. As the men jumped into the tray, one seized a large camera and paced towards them.
"Alright then, let's see what we've got" James said brightly. "Obviously, as the most intelligent one of us, I went with something practical and rugged." The impeccably dressed man strode over to a black jeep parked several metres away.
Jeremy coughed loudly into his fist, earning glares from James and the camera crews, who cast anxious looks at the countryside around them.
"Anyway, I chose this car, the 2012 Jeep Wrangler. A good, sensible off-road choice; 3.6 litre V6, 285 horsepower and a tried and tested design. This car is perfect for the challenges I think we'll be facing. What about you Hammond?"
Hammond's mouth had been stuck in the wide open position since the second car had come into sight. Only now did he close it to glare at Clarkson.
"This is my Land Rover." The pink behemoth was unmistakeable, the horrible paint job practically assaulted their eyes.
"Oh good!" Jeremy exclaimed. "When you're going into the unknown it's always good to have a car you know personally and can..."
"Shut up" said Hammond "I asked for a different model."
"Maybe they misheard you?" Jeremy suggested, a shit-eating grin covering his face.
"If you mention this even one more..."
"Shutting up" said Jeremy, who had by now realised that silence may be his best and only defense. "Besides, it's time to behold the greatness that is my own car for this trip."
"I was wondering when we were going to get to that" said James, a grin of his own covering his face.
"Well what's wrong with it?"
"Absolutely nothing, the Aston Martin Vantage V8 is an excellent car" James said, his smile not diminishing. "There's only one problem."
"And what would that be?" Clarkson enquired exasperatedly.
"Well, what are you going to drive it on?" asked Hammond, who had by now understood the situation, and started to smile himself.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, there's no roads in Equestria" said James "From what we understand, cobblestones are as close as they get, and that's only in the cities."
Clarkson stopped and stared at the £100,000 sports car with a frown on his face.
"Cock."
"Anyway" said Hammond, much happier now. "Let's get... huh." One of the white coated men had jumped out of the truck and handed him an envelope. Raising an eyebrow, Richard opened the envelope, removed the letter and began to read.
"Now that you have all received your cars, you should make your way into Equestria. Just be aware that this may not be so easy." Pausing, Hammond looked at Clarkson and Jeremy, who both shrugged, before continuing.
"The area you will be travelling through is highly guarded. You will need to employ all of your driving skills to ensure that you are not spotted before you enter the portal. Hopefully you have chosen cars suitable for sneaking around the countryside in." Wincing, Hammond glanced over at the hot-pink Land Rover, which seemed to actually give off light in the almost pitch blackness.
"The portal, fortunately, is over two miles in length, but is patrolled heavily, and located in an area of flat, clear land used primarily for farming. Should you be spotted we've left something for you on your back seats which should..." Hammond's voice faded away as he stared down at the letter in his hands.
"What? What do we do if we're spotted?" asked James.
Hammond dashed to his car, opening the rear door with a groan as he glimpsed the bundle inside. Reaching in, he pulled out a heavy black vest and helmet.
"Wha... They're not going to shoot us are they?" asked James faintly. "This is Iraq all over again." He walked over to his Jeep and pulled out a vest of his own, putting it on reluctantly.
Jeremy started to walk over to his Aston Martin, but stopped halfway, a horrified expression on his face.
"Guys."
"What?" The other two asked crankily, pulling their helmets over their heads.
"I don't have back seats. The Vantage is a two-seater."
"Well that sucks for you then doesn't it" said Hammond with a smirk. "Right then, no sense in wasting time."
"Absolutely" agreed James.
"What's our action plan?"
"I think we should find our way through separately, that way if one of us gets spotted, the others can use the distraction to make it through without being shot." said James
"Sounds good, here, I've got a map..." Hammond pulled a small square of folded paper from his glove-box and continued his discussion with James, gesturing animatedly as he did so.
"Guys?" Clarkson was by now, looking rather ill.
"So that leaves Clarkson taking the middle route..."
"Wait what?"
"Alright then, I'll be seeing you both on the other side."
"Don't die" added James as the two of them climbed into their respective cars and rumbled off in different directions.
Clarkson stood there for a moment, the stiff breeze the only source of sound as it rustled the leaves of trees and whipped past his head. A moment was taken reflecting on the fragility of life before the balding gentleman turned to look at his Aston.
"Oh for fuck's sake."