//------------------------------// // Three Little Pigs // Story: Ice Cube Tells Stories to the Ponyville School-Children // by Inspectah Dash //------------------------------// Author's Note I'm not sure this chapter stands up to the humor of the other chapters. I also feel that I might have rushed it a bit. I'm not trying to undersell it, but that's what I get for writing it all so late at night. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Even though Ice Cube was paranoid, he continued to walk the streets of Ponyville in his normal way. Ice Cube knew that there was a good chance Cheerilee was out for his blood, but he's dealt with worse than angry, colorful school-teachers. Though he had to admit that this world was a bit unsettling. All its inhabitants seemed too happy; too care-free. The way they just looked at you, smiled, and waved was way to friendly to be genuine. It was like happiness was a disease they all had no choice but to have, and there was a serial killer inside every one of them just waiting for someone to make them mad enough. At least on Earth, you knew when someone wanted to kill you. he thought. Ice Cube tried to stare deep into the soul of a pony who waved at him from across the street. He appeared to be nice enough, but Ice Cube's mind was still playing tricks on him. "Hi Ice Cube." the stallion said, waving a hoof. However, Ice Cube's paranoid brain heard something along the lines of, "Hi. You better sleep with one eye open, nigger." What?! Damn, the ponies are homicidal and racist. Trying to get away from the ponies on the street, Ice Cube took an alley-way through town. Normally, he would just walk straight to the school, but he decided today that he'd rather be late than be shanked. He was more than surprised when he walked into the alley and was greeted by being slammed into the wall. Before Ice Cube could react, he was pinned to the wall with a bowie knife pressed against his neck. In front of him was a lavender pony with a pair of angry and familiar green eyes. "Hi, Ice Cube. How was your day?" Cheerilee asked in a voice that made it sound like she finally snapped. Her left eye twitched a few times. "Uh, okay. I know you're mad, but I didn't know Sweetie Belle would write that review. Didn't you go over what words they shouldn't say?" he asked nervously. He had his pistol in his belt holster today, but his arm was pinned as well. If it hadn't been, Cheerilee would have had a leg full of lead by then. "Oh, don't worry about Sweetie Belle. I took care of her earlier." an evil grin worked across the insane mare's face. It took Ice Cube all he had not to shit his pants. "Remember when you told me that the last time you cried was decades ago, when your friend Eazy-E died?" Cheerilee asked. Ice Cube nodded confusedly. "Then you should be thanking me." she said, slightly releasing the knife from his throat. "Why?" he asked, in a loss of any more words. "Because you'll see each other again for the first time since then." Cheerilee replied, quickly bringing the knife across Ice Cube's throat. Ice Cube collapsed to the ground, clutching his throat, which was now bleeding profusely. His back was against the wall as he sat there at the mercy of Cheerilee. The crazy teacher in question was smiling at the scene, happy that the thing that corrupted her students' minds could do no more damage. Ice Cube could feel himself beginning to fade into unconsciousness. Out of all the things that Ice Cube could have died by, it had to be at the hooves of a colorful, talking horse. Cheerilee now walked closer to the near-expired rapper. "Now, Ice Cube; I would ask you for any last words, but I'm guessing that's difficult without a throat. Still, I have some words for you before you go." Ice Cube looked up to the insane pony. He did his best to keep a stiff upper lip, despite his situation. He decided if he was going out, he would do it like a real nigga, and with some dignity. He would have spit in her face if not for the bleeding hole in his neck. Instead, he just mouthed the word 'what', with teeth still clenched. The lavender pony put her maniacal-looking face closer to his and spoke. "Wake up, Ice Cube!" she said in a bubbly voice that sounded nothing like Cheerilee. Ice Cube suddenly looked very confused. "I said; wake up, Ice Cube!" the insane teacher's face morphed into a cheery, pink one. He lost his tough composure and let his jaw drop. "I said; WAKE UP, ICE CUBE!" "Huh? What? What the fuck?" Ice Cube woke up and looked around rapidly. Instead of bleeding to death in an alley, Ice Cube discovered he was sitting in a chair outside of a restaurant. In front of him was his shitty vegetarian sandwich he had been eating before his nap. The pony trying to wake him up was none other than Pinkie Pie. "How long was I out? A couple hours?" Ice Cube asked Pinkie. "No silly. A couple days." Pinkie said with a dismissive hoof. Ice Cube's eyes widened and his jaw dropped. Just then, the French-sounding waiter approached his table. "Ah, Monsieur, you're awake. I thought you might not wake up." "Hey, it would have been fine if you woke me up after the first 24 hours." Ice Cube tried to yell, but was still too tired. "I apologize. One of the chefs accidently confused the mayonaise with chloroform. After eating that much, I'm surprised you're still even alive, Monsieur." the waiter informed him. "Chloroform? How the fuck do you confuse the two? One is white and gooey. One is clear and toxic. Why do you even keep chloroform in the kitchen?" Ice Cube asked. He wanted to be angry, but didn't have the energy. "It's okay, Ice Cube. You're not dead, so why not have some fun? Here's a Pinkie Pie to cheer you up." Pinkie said, before another Pinkie Pie bounced into his line of sight. Ice Cube was used to Pinkie's shenanigans, but this was just bullshit. "Pinkie, why are there two of you?" Ice Cube asked. "Oh, you silly dice-shaped chunk of frozen water. There aren't two of me. There are 49 of me." Pinkie said with a smile. Ice Cube, however, was not smiling. Instead, he was almost sure he was either still dreaming or insane. "Okay, why are there fourty-fucking-nine of you?" "Well, it all started when I was born. It was a bleak and foggy day. My fath-" "Just get to the part where you went amoeba on us." Ice Cube interrupted. "Oh. I found a magical water mirror in a cave and used it to make copies of myself. Now, I can have fun with everyone all at once. Like a giant fungasm!" Ice Cube wanted to respond to that, but he remembered he had kids to read to. Plus, he just didn't have the patience to deal with Ponyville's obvious shit-storm at the moment. He began his trek to the Ponyville Schoolhouse after telling Pinkie he was off to some place very boring. That was enough to deter Pinkie Pie and her hell-spawn clones. After letting his head recooperate from his two-day chloroform nap, he neared the school. Something was wrong. Normally, the school would have recess around this time. And normally, there wouldn't be an array of sandbag barricades surrounding the front entrance. Getting closer to the school, he could see Cheerilee poke her head out from behind one of the sandbag barricades. She was wearing a combat helmet and carrying a squirt gun in her hooves. She didn't unload her watery fury on Ice Cube as soon as she saw him, so she couldn't have been that mad at him. "Yo, Cheerilee." Ice Cube called out, approaching the teacher. "Ice Cube, over here, quickly!" she said. Ice Cube decided to walk a little slower to mess with Cheerilee. She looked only slightly annoyed. "So... why are there barricades around your school?" Ice Cube asked, poking on of the sandbags with a finger. "Maybe you haven't noticed, but Pinkie Pie has sort of multiplied." "Yeah, I did notice. The rate of Pinkie population growth is too damn high!" Ice Cube motioned with a finger in the air. "For once, we agree on something." "We agreed that Diamond Tiara was a bitch." "Oh yeah, that too. This barricade and this water gun are meant to keep the Pinkie Pie's away from the children. Oh, and by the way; where were you two days ago when you were supposed to read to them?" Cheerilee asked. "I got chloroformed by a Frenchie waiter." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Are you okay?" Cheerilee asked sincerely. "I'm fine. Though I did have this dream that you slit my throat in an alley with a bowie knife." Cheerilee stared at him for a few seconds. She continued staring before pointing the water gun at his pants, particularly around his junk area, and spraying it with water. Cheerilee giggled a bit before pointing a hoof towards the door. "Please, come in." Cheerilee said, trying to repress her fit of giggling. "Sounds great." Ice Cube growled. Ice Cube stepped through the door and immediately noticed something was wrong. The children looked... bored. "What the hell is wrong with yall?" Ice Cube asked. Normally, the kids weren't this stoic. "Ms Cheerilee said there's an army of Pinkie Pah's, and if we have any fun, they'll come here and annoy us ta death." Applebloom asnswered. "Did somebody say fun?" one of the Pinkie Pies popped out of Scootaloo's saddle-bag, followed by a few more popping out of different places around the room. "AHH! They're gonna kill us! Ice Cube, distract them with a story!" Applebloom shouted. Ice Cube was done with Ponyville's bullshit for today, so he decided on a short and sweet story to tell. God dammit. "The Three Little Pigs." Once upon a time, there were three pigs who lived in South Central Los Angeles. They wanted to get houses of their own, but as they soon learned, housing in LA is expensive as fuck. So instead of buying houses, they decided to build their own, even though the third pig was the only one who knew how to build anything. The other two couldn't put together a goddam Lego set if their lives depended on it. The first pig thought about what he could build his house out of. He decided it would be made out of sticks. The second pig thought about what he could use. The second pig decided on Q-Tips. The third pig thought about what he would use, and decided the house would be made of brick. Something you need to know about the three little pigs; they were from East side LA. The reason I tell you that is because in their neighborhood, there lived a wolf. And this wolf was hardcore West side. I mean, he had a blue bandana, a blue holster, blue everything. Whichever of his testicles was closest to the West is the one he preffered. Well, this wolf didn't like the East side pigs all up on his turf. So, he decided to remove them himself. Another thing; after years of smoking weed, and a small-to-medium amount of radiation, this wolf had the lung strength of a class-5 hurricane. The first pig with the stick house challenged him to try and break his house. "Eyo, wolf. Eat a dick!" the pig said, pointing down to his pink piggie genitalia. "Sheeit. I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your punk-ass house down." and with that, the wolf easily blew down the pig's house. The pig tried walking out of the wreckage, but was met with a kick to the chest from the wolf. "Oh yeah! You were talkin' all that good shit a second ago. Then you got kicked in yo' chest! You eat a dick, nigga! You eat a dick!" After pissing on the face of the first pig, the wolf moved on to the second's house. The second pig, whose house was made out of Q-Tips, gave a similar reaction to the wolf. "Yo, wolf. Those are some big lungs you got. You compensating for something?" "What? Nigga, I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your punk-ass house down." When the wolf says he's gonna blow down your house, the wolf fucking does it. And it's said that the moment the second pig was trapped under the debris of a million ear-swabs was the moment he finally realized he was a dumbass. Ice Cube looked around the classroom and saw that most of the kids had snuck out of the building, and the Pinkies were still captivated. The wolf moved onto the third pig's house. This pig wasn't semi-retarded like the other two and he made his out of brick.The pig told the wolf to give it his best. "Bitch, I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your punk-ass house down." The wolf gave it the biggest breath he had, but the brick house didn't budge. He tried again, but the house remained upwards and the pig yelled for the wolf to suck his balls. The wolf thought for a moment and went to get something out of his trunk. "Ha. I told you you couldn't blow my house down. This aint' no fucking Q-Tip house. This is brick; it's the real shit! Nothing is blowing down this house!" the pig yelled. Soon after finishing his gloating, a molotov cocktail crashed through his window. The pig panicked and ran out of his front door while his house was burned to the ground. But the wolf was quick to catch the pig and break his legs. The wolf decided to make an example of the third pig, and pulled out a pair of balls so large, it would make the Big Lebowski piss himself. It was recorded as the most devastating tea-bagging of all time. The wolf's nuts practically molded around the pig's face like an arm full of Gak. Afterwards, the third pig had to be put in a psychiatric ward, where the pig did nothing but crawl into the fetal position and mumble "the balls" over and over. It was the only time a tea-bag has ever caused the victim to go insane, and it's just because that's how West Side rides. The end. "Ooo, what's the moral?" one of the Pinkies asked. "There is none." Ice Cube said simply. All the kids were evacuated and all that were left was him and the Pinkie clones. "I'm leaving now." "No moral?!" the Pinkie's said in unison. The Pinkies converged on Ice Cube, who backed towards the door. They really wanted that moral. Holy shit. Deja Vu. "Look! An orgy!" Ice Cube yelled, pointing to the other side of the room. "FUN!!!" the Pinkies squealed, turning around to see. Ice Cube opened the school door and began to haul ass away from the building. One thing passed through his brain. Why would the Pinkie's even know what an orgy was? Ponies didn't have anything to have an orgy with. Or did they... Ice Cube didn't particularly wanna find out, but one thing was for certain. I'm taking my gun everywhere I go from now. This was just Bull. Shit.