//------------------------------// // Cadence Begins // Story: The God Squad // by defender2222 //------------------------------// “No.” Common Sense, a teal colored earth pony, stared at the mayor in utter confusion. He wondered for a moment if perhaps he’d misheard her. It just didn’t seem logical that she would say no. Everything pointed to her saying yes. So clearly he had misheard her and- “You didn’t mishear me,” Mayor Mare said, reading Common Sense’s thoughts (In a ‘I can read your emotions from your facial ticks’ way… not a ‘I am Charles Xavier and I have a school for mutants’ kind of way, though that would have been very cool). She looked over the plans in disgust before pushing them aside. “I am afraid I can no approve the plans for your house.” “Why not?” Common Sense asked in confusion. “I did the designs myself… it is structurally sound, it has proper safety measures set up, and I even made sure it was far enough off the road so I wouldn’t cause any issues with noise and the neighbors.” He began to flip through the pages. “I can go over the sound proofing I designed, if you’d like. It is solid-“ “That may be, but…” Mayor Mare let out a sigh, “how to explain this… your house would be… ugly.” “Ugly?” Common Sense asked. “Yes. I mean, look at its design.” The Mayor spread the plans out so Common Sense could stare at them. He found it a touch silly, as he had design the building himself. He knew exactly what the house looked like.“Do you see what I am talking about?” “No… not really.” “It’s… it is so plain!” The Mayor complained. “It doesn’t’ look like anything!” “It looks like a house,” Common Sense told her. “Yes, but houses are suppose to look like things! Trees, cupcakes, clouds, muffins, a carousel… this just looks like a plain… thing.” Common Sense frowned. “So your problem is that my house isn’t going to be an eyesore?” “As it is right now it will be an eyesore… who wants to look at a house that doesn’t look like a salt shaker or a lamp?” Mayor Mare shook her head in disgust. “I’m sorry, but no… I’m getting disgusted by it just looking at the plans.” “Is there… anything I could do?” The Mayor thought it over. “What if we threw a big bow on it and said it was a present? Or made it look like it was made of gingerbread.” “I am trying to open a daycare with my wife… I don’t think it would look good if foals were invited into a gingerbread house by a lime green mare.” The Mayor nodded. “Right… we’ve already had three witch burnings this last week…” “Say what now?” Common Sense asked. “Nothing!” The Mayor quickly sang. The God Squad Episode 17: Cadence Begins The three alicorns, capricorn and unicorn stared at the fire (which, strangely enough, had a bag of popcorn cooking over it). Not of them had said a word, each pondering the deep mysteries of life. They were the questions that all seek the answers to, from the poorest stallion to the wealthiest mare. Wise colts could spend eons pondering such things and never come up with an answer. "What if Mother shaved herself... then she could get a tan," Luna offered. "I can't believe we are still talking about this," Shining complained. "I can't believe none of you want to try a hot dog!" Tydal exclaimed, inhaling his 5th of the night. Celestia shook her head, a slight smile gracing her lips. "Only Mother could leave us all so befuddled." "She has a knack for it," Cadence admitted. "I remember when she first brought you to me, Cadence," Celestia said with a fond smile. "You know, I've always wondered about that," Shining said. "Every pony I talk to has this notion that Cadence is from some crystal empire or she was a unicorn that you put through some trials-" Celestia laughed so hard it was a wonder the fire wasn't blown out. "Oh, are those stories still going around?" Cadence joined in on the giggling. "No, Shining Armor, let me assure you none of those tales are real. I just made them up in order to keep ponies from bugging me with stupid questions." "Are you serious?" Shining asked. "As a chimera at a ballet recital." When every pony blinked at her in confusion Celestia shrugged. "Chimeras are really into ballet." "Aaaahhh," all of them said. "The truth is, Shining, that Cadence and I met much the same way I met Tydal." “At a crime scene with her covered in blood?” Tydal growled before returning to his hot dog. Cadence snickered before resting her head against her husband’s shoulder. "Mommy dumped me on her." ~A Few Decades Ago...~ "There!" Celestia said in glee, her magic holding onto the quill tightly as she finished the last few equations, then peered through her microscope one more time. She checked her work a final time but she knew that she was in the right. “I have isolated the gay gene! Now my musicals will never flop!” The Princess’ Number 1 Assistant scoffed /Whatever you say, Celestia. I still think we should have gone out and enjoyed the sun. I mean, you waste enough time putting the thing up in the air/ “Now now, Philomena… my studies at very important! Equestria’s fate hinges on my discoveries.” /Their fate or your ego?/ “A naughty phoenix is bucking to go without her seed tonight,” Celestia teased. Celestia’s friend scoffed. /Like I don’t know where it is, Trollestia./ “Stop calling me that,” Celestia grumbled, peering through her microscope. She was so busy with her discovery that she didn’t hear two of her guards march in. “She’s talking to the bird again,” Wall Breaker the 3rd whispered. His partner, Sharp Slash, shook his head, motioning for the stallion to keep quiet. “Shhh… you know how she gets. If she hears you she’ll banish us to Ponyville.” Wall Breaker shuddered. “Ugh… that place gives me the creeps.” "Princess Celestia?" Slash said a bit louder, leaning forward while cautiously moving away from the princess. “Yes Sergeant Slash?” Celestia asked, scribbling a few more notes on a new piece of paper. "Your…Mother is requesting your presence in the main throne room." Celestia let out a dainty laugh. "Oh, that is too rich." She raised her head, tutting slightly. "Yes, I am sure my Mother is waiting for me." Wall Breaker shifted with unease. "Princess, this is no joke." The solar princess slowly turned to stare at the guards and both of them felt their lives flashing before their eyes (Cup of oats, cup of oats, almost got laid… cup of oats, cup of oats, almost got laid). "My Mother... is here?" The two nodded their heads weakly. "My... my Mother... is in the castle?" Again, they nodded their heads. "No... nononononononononno!" Celestia began to hyperventilate. She shoved herself away from her table and began to run around the room, gathering up scrolls and books. The guards watched her, utterly disturbed by how their ruler had turned into a 15 year old filly in the span of 10 seconds (not physically, of course, but that might have been less surprising than what they were witnessing). "This is terrible! She can't be here, why would she be here? She never comes to see me! I haven't seen her since she dropped me and Luna off at Tydal's Keep." "Luna?" Slash questioned. "Tydal?" Breaker echoed. /Ixna on the iblingsa/ Philomena hissed. "Now is not the time for you to show off that you know how to speak swine!" Celestia screeched at the bird. She began to dart about the room, her horn glowing as she pulled out scrolls and books. "She is going to give me a test, isn't she? She wants to see if I've been a good ruler! I haven't even had a chance to study yet! Doesn't she know it isn't fair to spring a quiz on some pony?" /What about a pop quiz?/ Celestia's eyes went to pinpricks. "Pop...pop...pop...pop..." "She's going pop pop!" Slash whimpered. "I hear her, I am standing right next to her!" Breaker exclaimed. “What do we do? What does it mean if she says pop pop?” Philomena let out a long suffering sigh, flying over to perch on Celestia’s horn. /Would you calm down? Most fillies would be happy to see their Mom./ "Their mom, as in lower case m, yes. But this is Mom, with a capital M! That is the worst of the worst! She is going to quiz me and I am going to fail..." /And... what?/ the phoniex asked dryly. "She'll send me back to...” Celestia’s eyes flew wide as the implications of what could happen struck her, “Godly Kindergarten!" ~MC~MC~MC~ "Class, this is Princess Celestia. She failed a test and thus should be shunned." Celestia, squatting as best as she could in her seat with her knees up to her chest and the desk pressing against her calves, trembled as all the little gods and goddess turned and began to laugh at her. "Also... why are you in your underpants, Miss Celestia?" Celestia looked down and realized she was, indeed, in her granny panties and a bra. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" ~MC~MC~MC~ Philomena rolled her eyes as her mistress began to rock back and forth, stroking her tail and mumbling about panties. /Would you get a hold of yourself? Maybe she is just here to say hi/ "Maybe she is here to kill us all!" Celestia said darkly, eyes flashing black. /She is not going to kill us/ Philomena said. "Well dad, looks like I'll be seeing you soon," Wall Breaker whispered, staring up at the sky. "Your father is dead?" Slash said. "Nah, he just went in for surgery at Canterlot Hospital." Philomena, having grown use to her friend/owner freaking out over stupid things (seriously, if only her subjects could see how the calm and kind Celestia squealed at the sight of a rat…), did the only thing she could think of: she bitch slapped the princess. /Get a hold of yourself! You are only going to make things worse by freaking out like this!/ “… I’ve made things worse!” Celestia cried. Before the solar princess could break down in frantic laughter/tears the doors to her study were flung open and her Mother, Tau Sunflare, marched in. The Creator was in her alicorn form, though she was, for some odd reason, wearing a blue spandex suit, a red mini skirt, and a cape with a big S on it. "Celestia!" Mother said happily, not paying any attention to the fact that her daughter was shuddering in fear. "Listen, I have something-" "The answer to life the universe and everything is 42!" Celestia blurted out. "... ok, that was weird. Anyhoo, with your brother stuck as a rock I don't have any pony to dump foals on and... well, meet your replacement goldfish for Luna." Celestia blinked, for the first time noticing the little filly foal that was hanging on her Mother's back, babbling to herself while attempting to gum the Creator’s right wing off. "That doesn't look like a goldfish." "Well, it's an expression. I figured since Luna went nuts you'd need a new little sister and I had some time on my hands/hooves so here you go." The Creator plopped the baby in front of Celestia and grinned. "I call her Princess Beyonce Kickass but you can change that if you want. Bye bye!" And with that the Creator disappeared, leaving Celestia staring at the pink alicorn foal before her. Princess Beyonce Kickass gurgled, one hoof crammed in her mouth. "... I'm going to call you Cadence." The baby just blinked. "So... you like cheese cake?" Celestia asked. Cadence promptly fell onto her side. “Is that a no?” ~MC~MC~MC~ "Somepony should really talk to Mother about abandoning us," Tydal stated. “It is a wonder we don’t all have issues.” Tydal watched as Cadence began to mime out a sex act and Celestia, fearing that Mother had heard her story and was now going to spring a pop quiz on her, began to dart around the bushes looking for the white alicorn (showing all just WHERE Twilight got her insanity). “I mean… more than what we already have…” "Abandon US? She raised you for 20 years!" Luna complained. “I barely remember her and she saw you off to college!” "Yes, and we all know how sane and rational Tydal is," Shining groused. “So being raised by her must have been SOOOO wonderful.” "... good point." "I hate you all," Tydal grunted.