Chapter Three: An Angel Walks Into A Bar…
“Nia?” I asked tentatively. The cat-girl nodded.
“Why?” I asked exasperatedly. “Why in the nine circles of hell would you even consider trying to follow me? If I haven’t already forced it through your head, I’m dangerous.”
“That’s exactly why I followed you,” she replied hastily. “The Blackwell Islands are so boring, and what better way to make my escape than by keeping an eye on you? Besides, I have some questions for you. Who’s Judas? Why do you keep saying you’re an alien? What’s hell?”
“I believe I’ll be able to answer those.” I knew that voice. Without even turning around, I emptied two bullets into the darkness where said voice was located. Judas stepped out, with matching bullet holes right above his eyes.
“That hurt, you undead bastard!” he growled. I smirked.
“Suck it up, dumbass. I believe you’re the one who’s being slowly chewed to pieces by a demon, and you’re complaining about a couple bullets? Pathetic.”
“Excuse me, but who are you?” Nia asked.
“I’m Judas. If it weren’t for me, this idiot wouldn’t even be here right now,” Judas snarled.
“So that’s your way of praising yourself? Kill me with fire, then send me here only to be part of a Game which you’ve told me nothing about. You’re a great guy, Judas, you really are.”
“It’s not my fault the lightning hit just ten feet to your side! I was randomly scoping around for a Player of my own when your dead soul came along.”
“Yeah, and then you drag me into this place without even telling me what the hell’s happening!”
“ENOUGH!” Nia shouted. Both Judas and I stared at her in wonder. I’m really starting to like this girl. “Alright, here’s how we’re going to do this. Cooper, please answer my questions. Mr. Judas-”
“Oh, look at the time. I’ve gotta go. Hope you don’t die, Cooper!” Judas shouted, before vanishing in a puff of smoke.
“That two-timing, slimy piece of alligator shit,” I muttered darkly.
“Alright, who was that guy?” Nia asked impatiently.
“That was Judas. You ever talk to him again, I’m blowing your brains out. Got it?” I sat down and sighed. “This is gonna be a long night,” I groaned.
I explained to Nia exactly, in total detail, what hell was. She only threw up twice. Good girl. I told her who Judas was, what he was doing in this place, and that I was an alien.
“Wait, so you’re expecting me to believe that you come from another dimension or something?” she asked suspiciously.
“Pretty much. I mean, how many seraph do you meet that look like me?”
“you have a point there.” My body did look a rather lot like my old one. I guess now I was part human, part bird, and part dog. Not a very stable mix, instinctively. I stabbed at a bit of deer with a sharpened stick.
“Well, I don’t have any more questions, so I guess I’ll-”
“Sit your ass down and have some venison?” I cut her off. “You followed me. That, in my book, is signing up for the ride. And once you sign up, there isn’t any way in hell that you can get out.” Nia just stared at me like I was crazy.
Alright, it’s time to face reality. I probably am crazy. But that doesn’t stop me being a total badass.
“So, what’s the plan for tomorrow?” Nia asked as she strode over to the fire.
“Well, we’ll have to get out of this blasted forest, for one.” I threw a rock at an incoming raven. The pebble conked it on the head, and it fell into a rosebush. “Too many damn scavengers for my liking. I say we find the nearest town, work a little to get cash, and then move on to the next place.”
“Whatever happened to this ‘Game’ of yours?” Nia asked.
“Well, if we travel like this, there’s the chance we can take out any monsters that get in our path.” I contemplated my stratagem. “It’s funny, really. If you think about it this way, this continent’s kind of like a chess board. Like one giant chess game of the gods.”
“You’re really weird,” Nia said.
“What can I say? My mentality balances my stunning physical charm,” I said. I tossed the bedroll to her. “Here, you’ll want this.”
“But what about you?” she asked, tilting her head.
“I’ll just sleep in a tree or something. Trees aren’t actually that bad. They’re one of the only places you can escape to when your dorm room reeks of a seriously backed up adolescent.” She just looked at me strangely and climbed into the sleeping sack. I used my rather sharp nails, combined with an incredible strength I’d developed in my fingers, to climb my way up a tall tree. Let me just say, thank TARDIS I don’t get vertigo. I closed my eyes, settling into a comfy niche.
I nearly fell out of the tree when I woke up. I flail around a lot, so yeah. After waking up by means of bashing my head against a tree, I glided down to the ground, where Nia was munching on some berries.
“Hello!” I shouted, scaring her.
“HOLY –dammit, Cooper! You scared the fur off of me!”
“That means I’m sneaky enough to go unnoticed. Good.” I popped a handful of berries before beginning to break camp.
“Hurry up. I have an idea, and I really want to test it out.” We broke camp in record time, and I strapped on my pack. Nia and I trekked through the forest for about an hour before we came to a foul-smelling swamp. Nia wrinkled her nose.
“What the heck is this?” she asked disgustedly.
“That,” I said slowly, “is sulphur. Sulphur is flammable. I have a gun.” I motion for Nia to stand back and raised Paco. “Cover your ears.” I emptied the rest of the bullets into the sulphur cloud blanketing the forest.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!
I estimate about a quarter of the forest exploded. The speed of the bullets, combined with the air friction, caused a tiny little spark to ignite the entire cloud of gas. A massive mushroom cloud rippled upwards, and I had to extend my wings around my body as a shield. Splintered wood flew every which way, bouncing off the remaining trees, falling like painful rain, et cetera. I think the sheer heat singed most of my feathers, but thankfully, nothing burned off. I stared at the landscape once the deluge of fire and gas was over and whistled.
“Atomic bombs, you ain’t got nothing on me.” The place looked like a miniature Grand Canyon. A crater stretched as far as I could see in front of me, with ash and timber littering the blackened dirt. There were also quite a few cooked animals, which made our search for food much easier. I grinned wildly to Nia, who was gaping at the scene.
“You… you’re insane,” she said, awed. I smirked.
“I’m not insane. I’m just extremely resourceful.” I gave her another wicked grin. Her expression was mostly neutral, but her eyes betrayed fear, admiration, and maybe a hint of affection. I shouldered my pack again. “Come on, let’s go. With all this crap out of the way, it’ll take way less time to traverse the forest. Besides, I need a beer. Never had beer before.”
“Princess Cadence, Shining Armor has returned from his patrol,” said a guard. Cadence nodded briskly and the door to the carriage opened. Due to unnecessary rumors of bandits and strange creatures prowling the countryside, Cadence and Armor were returning from their honeymoon at the newly built Tailton Springs by passing through the Southern Rainforests and Black Marshes. A contingent of guards, by Celestia’s decree, was to follow them everywhere outside of the town in order to ensure their protection.
“Cadence?” a boyish voice asked from outside of the carriage. “Are you in there?”
“Yes,” responded Cadence. A white unicorn with a singed mane opened the door and climbed inside.
“How are you holding up, dear?” Cadence asked warily, looking at his singed fur. Armor chuckled.
“Honestly, Cadence. There’s no need to worry about me. That dragon just caught me by surprise, that’s all.”
“Come to think of it, how did the builders manage to miss a dragon in the hot spring? It was a shame the poor dear went off with her mother, though. Those blue scales were adorable!”
“Not so adorable once they’ve cut off half your-”
BANG! BANG! BANG!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!
An explosion of light and sound cut Shining Armor off. Shockwaves of wind sent the carriage tumbling away from the path. Shining Armor was sent flying through the window, while Cadence hit the wall with a resounding THUD!
The guards outside groaned and stumbled. “Is everypony alright?!” Cadence heard Armor shout. The guards grunted assent. “Cadence, are you okay?”
Cadence took a quick faculty of her body. “My wing appears to be broken, but other than that, I’m fine.” She poked her head outside of the window. “But I think you might want to turn around…”
Shining Armor turned and gaped. A blazing mushroom cloud was rippling into the sky, bringing with it tons of splintered wood and charred animals. Ash rained from the sky, coating everything with a bleak dust. Cadence turned and stared at Shining Armor.
“What could have done this?” she asked fearfully. Armor shook his head.
“I don’t know… and I think we’re about to find out.”
Nia and I were strolling throughout the forest, stopping now and then to examine an animal or plant. Needless to say, Nia didn’t like it very much.
“Why are we doing this again?” she asked impatiently. I glanced over at her, crossing her arms and tapping her feet/paws impatiently.
“Two reasons,” I responded, picking up a charred little serpent thing with a chicken head. “One, neither of us have seen anything outside of the Blackwell Islands. This is an amazing opportunity to study the animals and plants indigenous to this forest.”
“And the other?” she queried.
I turned to her and winked. “Because you’re cute when you’re restless.” A faint blush rose up from her fur, and she began to stammer incoherently. I smirked inwardly and noticed the fringe of the remaining forest. “Well, it looks like we’re at the end of the crater. If my math is correct, we’re only a few miles from the edge of these woods. Let’s go, before our troublemaking attracts any attention.” We raced off, extending our wings slightly to cool them. I never knew wings could get so warm. Of course, that led to the whole Judas thing. I still need to kick that guy’s ass when I see him again. I wondered just how many other people suffered the same fate as I did, being spirited away by a spirit or god or something. Maybe I’d meet a few other
“Players” on my journey. Hell, I didn’t even know what I was brought here to do.
Oh well, let’s get on with the butt-kicking.
About two hours later, we were still dashing and eventually got to the edge of the forest. I had no idea dogs could run for several hours straight without even being winded, but I suppose I was an idiot in my past. I found Nia striding beside me with a loping, feminine grace. I told you she was cute when she was restless. The two of us eventually burst through the trees and slowed considerably.
“Wow,” I said, puffing out a sigh. “I have never run that far and that fast in my life, much less in two hours. You seraph have some crazy stamina, you know that?”
“Really? That’s not normal stamina?” Nia asked blankly. “Actually, I’m a little out of practice in just running.”
“Jesus, girl, you are freaky. The good kind of freaky, but freaky nonetheless.” She blushed again as I spotted a building that looked suspiciously like a tavern. “Lo and behold, I think we just found a pub. That was suspiciously convenient. Nia, put on your cloak and keep your head down. I’ll handle the talking, and there’s probably a bounty list inside. We catch a criminal, turn them in, and buy ourselves some good old fashioned ale.” She nodded and fastened her cloak. I followed suit and added a nice addition: a wide brimmed hat that made me look like a medieval Harry Dresden. With a quick grin at my companion, I approached the door and opened it.
The bar was full of what looked like…
“Horses?” I asked, dumbfounded. “They’ve got talking horses here?” I filed that under “Damn nature, you scary” in my brain and tried to continue with my badass persona. I scanned the room as conversation ceased. There were griffins, unicorns, pegasi, huge bulldogs that were standing on two legs, and a cat like Nia here and there. I doubted any of them were seraph. An aquamarine unicorn was tending the bar. I approached him deliberately. Nia followed, her hood up and her luminous eyes staring defiantly forward. When I got to the bar, I pulled off my hat. The barman appeared mildly surprised at my appearance, but shrugged it off.
“What can I get ya?” he asked gruffly. I jerked my thumb at Nia, who was leaning against a wall, watching me intently.
“My friend and I are looking for a bounty list. Anything come to mind?”
The barman (should I even call him barman?) gave me a wicked grin. “Bounty hunters, eh? Ya look a little scrawny, but if ya don’t die, I ain’t got a problem with it.” He reached under the bar and pulled out a sheaf of papers. I took them and leafed through them. To my surprise and slight joy, several of the criminals listed in the papers were in the bar itself. That was when Nia jerked her head to the side, indicating I should move. I twisted to the side just in time to avoid a huge, meaty hand lunging for my throat. I flicked Paco out of its holster and clubbed him on the head. Seeing as this wasn’t a very good weapon, I sheathed it and drew the sword Nia’s dad made for me. It felt even more natural in my hands than the last time I held it, and my enhanced reflexes moved my wrist before I could even think. A flare of light exploded into being somewhere in the room and the blade deflected it. No, not deflected… absorbed. The blade illuminated with a flaming orange glow. I swung it at the creature that tried to shoot me, and a gout of yellow-white fire rippled outwards, taking two more of my opponents along with it. Now that I wasn’t being torn at from all sides, I could actually see who was trying to kill me. Three of the dog creatures were on the ground, dazed, as well as a unicorn. A griffin and a pegasus were buzzing their wings, floating like bumblebees. Nia was crouching over a pair of regular horses, her claws out and teeth bared. I tutted at the unfortunate group.
“Come on, guys. Two unknown creatures, one armed, walk into a bar and ask for bounties. You don’t try to kill them on sight, you lay low, dumbasses!” the griffin ignored this piece of wisdom and charged me. I simply side-stepped him and brought the pyrohydra tooth blade up, slicing his wing at the shoulder. He screeched in pain. The pegasus, wise enough to heed my words, zoomed out the window and into the forest. I glanced back at the bartender, who had a metal grate swung down on his bar. “I’m guessing this isn’t uncommon around here?”
The unicorn snorted. “You’re the third we’ve had this week. I will admit, you’re the only ones in the past few months to actually live through the experience.” At that moment, the door to the pub slammed open, and a white pegasus wearing some type of gold armor strutted in. “What is the meaning of this racket?!” he barked. A few of the milder creatures shrank back a bit at the outburst, but the rougher guys just glared at him. Then he noticed me, surrounded in a pool of blood, with a wingless griffin in my hand. His eyes shrank with rage as he sized me up.
“In the name of Princess Celestia, you are under arrest!” he shouted, lunging at me.
Too bad he didn’t see Nia.
She pounced on him faster than I could have ever done and bit a small part of his spine. The horse’s eyes rolled back into his head, and he passed out.
“Nice one,” I commented. She gave an amused grin. “Didn’t kill him, I hope? He seems to be part of a militia.”
“No, he’s just unconscious. I never thought I’d have to use that combat training Dad gave me when I was a kit.”
I chuckled. Leafing through the bounties once again, I found the griffin and his companions. “Ah, here we go,” I said.
Silverwing the Griffin
Location: Unknown, presumed Black Marshes
Crimes: Petty theft, attempted murder of the third degree, murder of the first degree, destruction of property, grand-scale arson, drug trafficking
Bounty: 3000 bits
The Diamond Dogs, as they were known, were worth 300 bits each. The horses were 150 and 625 for the regulars, and 400 for the unicorn. Total, it was about 4300 bits. If only I had a reference to compare bits to pounds with. Oh, wait, I was in a tavern. Taverns have beer!
Okay, an average 24 ounce mug of ale was three bits. An average 24 ounce beer back home was one and a half pounds. That meant that a bit was the equivalent to a fifty pence piece. Going off of that, it would have cost 54,545 pounds to buy an average house. That means that a house here, in bits, would be around 109,090 bits. Using that as a reference, it would take catching 36 Silverwinds and a few Diamond Dogs in order to buy a house here. These prices are too damn high!
“Jesus, this math is making my head dizzy,” I groaned. “Why couldn’t we do science instead? Science is great, especially drunk science. Well, never mind that. Nia, you stay here and help the bartender clean up while I drag these guys off to the nearest military outpost. Hey, unicorn barman, I want two mugs of fresh ale on that counter for us by the time I get back.” The unicorn nodded in assent while I piled all of the myriad creatures on my shoulders. I grunted as the griffin smacked against the healing burn on my collarbone, but shrugged it off and continued. As the door squeaked open, I noticed a crisp breeze that flowed across my face. Jeez, it felt good after almost getting my head blown off.
I was almost moaning from pain by the time I got to a main township of sorts. I apparently inherited the seraph’s speed and endurance, but definitely not their strength. Some horses looked at me strangely as a walked through the little cluster of homes. I wonder if there’s something in my teeth?
I finally reached a military-style building and sagged with relief. I slammed my hip against the door to fling it open. The nearest guard horses jerked their heads towards me as I piled the bodies on the pristine ground.
“Water,” I panted, plopping down on a nearby bench. A guard nodded and rushed out of the room, quickly returning with a cup filled to the brim with clear, glimmering liquid. I gulped the stuff down. After my gasps had subsided, I began to speak.
“I’m here… to collect… a few bounties. Specifically, Silverwind, Chomp, Crash, Spike, Star Fall, Crystal Horn, and Fleet Fare,” I belted off, gesturing towards the bodies. The guards looked at me strangely before rushing off and checking various stacks of papers. Several of them looked surprised, some suspicious, and a few others outright indignant. A guard walked up to me.
“Well, you did an outstanding job, sir,” he barked. “Silverwing had killed much of our contingent a month back in a fire. Unfortunately, we cannot give you any bounty.”
I raised an eyebrow. “And why would that be?”
“Because we damn well can’t have a freak like you running around with that much money,” he snorted. My eyes narrowed. A freak, am I? I looked down, noticing my blade still had a faint orange glow to it. My eyes lit up in excitement.
“Well then, I’m sorry I have to do this, boys.”