//------------------------------// // The Problem is This... // Story: Free to Good Home: Talking Pony // by Mike the Red //------------------------------// After having a good chuckle, it was time to get back to my explanation to Princess Celestia and Twilight about my reasons for being there, how I woke up as Twilight, the year of troubles I endured, the loss of everything that I had accomplished, and what I did on behalf of Discord. I saw both of them change their facial expressions several times during my exposition, going from stunned silence to outright shock. I think I even saw a tear fall from Twilight's right eye when I mentioned how badly my condition had deteriorated in Memphis, and how I seriously considered jumping off the I-40 bridge over the Mississippi River. When I finally finished telling them my story, an awkward silence fell over the room. Princess Celestia was the first to break that silence. "So, Michael, what you're saying is you might have inadvertently destroyed your world as an unintended consequence of your actions on behalf of Discord," she said. At this point, her face showed no visible emotion as she digested all the information I had related to her. "Allow me to open a window to my world so I can see what has happened since I left," I said. I cast a spell to open a window to Earth, and started first with New York City. Most of the city had been leveled, some buildings still partially intact, but so much damage in such a large area that I considered it a total loss. "New York City is gone," I said glumly. "Let's check on Chicago." I changed the location of the window to Chicago. "This is bad," I said flatly. "Let me see Memphis." It looked as though Memphis had been spared, and there were people running around looting the stores. Chaos ruled the day, and Discord would be proud of what I had done for him. I shuddered at the thought. "Memphis looks okay, but survival mode has destroyed the social fabric. I am so sorry for doing this," I said with deep regret tinging my words. "You have done a lot of damage to your world," Princess Celestia said with a fair amount of gravitas. "Maybe you ought to go back there and clean up the mess you made." "How exactly am I supposed to do that?" I asked. "I would need a huge amount of power to remove the radiation and the dirt from the sky. The Earth is a big planet, but trying to clean up a mess THAT big would be too much for just me to manage." "Luna and I could transform you into an Alicorn so you could do it," Celestia said. "However, I don't think I can trust you with THAT much power. You have acted irresponsibly, and my opinion is that since you fled your world in such haste in order to shirk that responsibility, you owe your world a debt which you must repay." "I can't do it alone, your Majesty," I said. "Even if you and your sister were to turn me into an Alicorn, I still don't think I would be able to clean it up quickly enough to save what's left of humanity." "I hate to say this, Michael, but you don't have much of a choice here. You can not stay in my realm, as I consider you a very serious threat to our world, regardless of what you have told us earlier. You can either go back to your world in your present form, and use your magic as much as possible to clean up your mess, or I can transform you back into your human form and send you back. Either way, you will not be allowed to stay here, or return here. If you do return without cleaning up the mess you made of your home world, I would hate to be in your hooves. The consequences will be dire if you make THAT mistake. Do I make myself clear?" "Yes, your Majesty. I shall return to clean up the mess I made. I will do my best. I only wished we could have met under happier circumstances, but what's done is done. I shall take my leave now." I teleported to Memphis, to try to get started. ---------------------------------- Back in Memphis, things had gotten really bad. The sky was filled with dirty clouds, and a dull haze hung over everything. I used my magic to check radiation levels that were way too high for anyone to survive for anything longer than a week. I tried using an atmospheric cleansing spell to try to remove dirt and radiation. I managed to clear out about a square mile of the sky, but that clear hole was quickly filled by more clouds taking that space. I tried again, and got the same result. I was being followed as I trotted down Elvis Presley boulevard, heading south. I turned around to see a group of people who didn't look friendly. I turned around to face them. "Please, people, I am trying to clean up the air. I am trying to help," I said. It looked as though my words had no effect as the mob approached me. I teleported about a mile north of where I was, just outside the gates of Graceland. Usually, there is a fairly large group of tourists coming to visit Elvis Presley's home. The gates had been broken down, and the house had been severely vandalized. Gang graffiti had been scrawled all over the house, and any security had long since been compromised. I was somewhat disheartened by this sight. I teleported another mile north. Now I was standing near the housing projects just south of downtown Memphis. Some people saw me and charged at me. I used telekinesis to stop their progress. I teleported another mile north, now in the downtown area. This area was deserted, and the radiation level was even higher. "This is very bad," I thought. I tried using a different kind of magic to dissipate the radiation. This worked to some degree, but was taking too long. "This isn't working," I said to no one in particular. "I just don't think I'm going to be able to do this alone." "Well, well, well. If it isn't my old girl Twilight Sparkle," came a gravelly voice from behind. "Discord? I thought you died in New York City," I said with a great deal of surprise. "I am harder to kill than THAT, silly girl! I saw you pop out, and I followed your lead. You're smarter than you look." "Thanks, I think..." "So why'd you come back to Earth? Think you can undo all this damage?" "I have nowhere else to go. The radiation will kill everything off in a week if I don't try to do something about it. I don't want to see humanity all die," I said, trying to explain the situation to him. "It weighs heavily on your conscience, knowing that you're responsible for all this damage, doesn't it? I suppose I could do something about it, seeing as I have such a huge amount of power..." "I wasn't expecting things to escalate to this level," I said. "I thought you wanted me to enlarge a fire, not destroy the planet." "Well, you know I live for chaos, but wholesale destruction of a planet is a bit too much chaos, even for me," he said. "I am most impressed with your work, but what I will do is this: I will clean up the entire mess, and even restore your human identity, if you do one thing for me." "What is it, Discord? What do you want me to do?" "As Twilight Sparkle, I want you to give birth to my child." The shock of this request left me dumbfounded. I tried to speak. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. I repeated this motion several times. I don't know how long it took me to regain my composure, but before I could answer with anything comprehensible, he started laughing. Real hard. "Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! You should see the look on your face! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!" "I thought you were being serious for a moment there," I said, trying not to chuckle. "Oh, but I am, Twilight, I am! I want you to have my baby!" "Jesus, Discord, why?" "I need an heir. I am getting too old to be doing this sort of nonsense, and I want to have a child I can teach to do this silliness, and I think since you were so nice to me the last time around, I thought maybe you would be willing to take it a step further. You will be richly rewarded beyond your wildest dreams if you do this for me, and not only that, I will clean up this whole mess -- all the radiation, the sun-blocking dirt, everything! You have my word on this!" I had to digest his request. "I will have to think about this, but I know I don't have much time. Your words sound almost too good to be true, and I still don't know if I can place my complete trust in you, what with you being the God of Chaos and all. I also know that even if you're lying to me, there's nothing I can do should it turn out you have been lying to me. One other thing I must ask you is how long the gestation period is, as the radiation levels are so high that everything will be dead in a week." "I will take care of that right now," he said. He waved his lion paw in the air, and the sky cleared up immediately. No clouds, just a bright sunny day. The sun felt warm on my coat, and I smiled. "I am amazed by what you just did," I said. "You know, if I didn't know any better, I would think you want to restore order for the sake of creating new chaos." "I think you know me too well, Twilight, but you're not far off the mark on your guess. By the way, the gestation period is two months, and once you give birth, I will take my child and raise him myself." "How do you know the child won't be a girl?" "I won't allow that to happen! I can choose the gender of my child just as easily as I cleared the sky!" "Hmm. You drive a hard bargain, but I guess I will take you up on the offer. So when and where do we get started?" "That's my girl! Come with me, I have a new lair," he said. I put my right fore-hoof in his lion paw, and again we were off. I had told myself never to teleport with him again, but I had no choice. The sight turned my stomach until we reached his new lair. This place was dark and a heavy humidity hung in the air. The ceiling was fairly low, and the walls looked like dirt. "Are we in a cave of some sort?" I asked. "You know about NORAD?" "Yeah, it's set inside a mountain." "We're under the command center, in the catacombs below it. I figured it was probably the safest place," he said. "I'm surprised the Russians or the Chinese didn't try to blow this whole mountain up." "Don't think they didn't try, Twilight, they gave it their best shot. That's why there's no one up in the command center." "Okay, so is there a bed for me? How long are we supposed to be here? And what about food?" "I planned for every contingency, Twilight, you will be treated like a queen here. Don't worry, everything's already taken care of. Even your prenatal care needs have been addressed." "Every pony has talked about how evil you are. I never thought you would turn out to be such a nice guy," I said. "They don't understand me, Twilight, and they fear that which they don't understand. So naturally, a hatred borne of that fear is what colors their perceptions of me. If you treat me with respect, I will do the same. Since you have been so nice to me, I felt it only fair I return those gestures. You will find that I am far nicer than you might imagine." "Will you be gentle with me?" "That depends on a few things," he grinned.