“IIIIIIIT!” he whispered as loud as he could without waking the seemingly satisfied mare beside him. Oh, buck no. This is bad, this is very, very bad! I never wanted this to happen. Bucking alcohol enabling my idiot drive! I’m screwed! Literally and figuratively. Oh man! These thoughts played in his mind non-stop. He traced his fingers over his scars again, avoiding the claws this time. Wait, she had more to drink than I did. If I leave now, she probably won’t remember anything. Then it’ll be my secret to keep.
Sadly, that plan was shot to shit as Dash stirred before waking up. Her eyes were groggy and her body felt numb.
“What’s…”
“Oh, GOD DAMMIT!!!” hearing Spike’s voice made her jump, the energy reserved for such a feat was somehow discovered.
“Spike! What are you doing in my house?” she demanded. The dragon looked at her with a very unhappy expression on his face.
“We slept together, Sherclop.” This information took a moment to register in Rainbow Dash’s mind. The result was… unexpected.
“Oh… okay then.” She then proceeded to relax her body once more and lay her head on the pillow.
“WHAT?!” Spike shouted at her. Dash looked at him with disinterest.
“You find out we slept together and all you have to say is ‘Okay then’? Think about what this means. Not to us, but to the others.” Spike was growing hysterical.
“I did. And I came to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter. I sleep with Fluttershy all the time. Granted, you’re my first dragon, but you’re definitely not my first male. I’ve had rounds with Applejack, Big Mac, who is not surprisingly well proportioned. The first Grand Galloping Gala I went to with you guys, I had two of the Guards the night before we left. Then there was that Doctor guy who lives in the blue box, Cheerilee, all of the Wonderbolts who still won’t ask me to join, no matter how many times we do it in a full group. And… Oh, Derpy once or twice. She’s pretty good. Probably why I haven’t fired her.” Spike subconsciously began counting off the total number of partners she’d been with.
“So… taking into account that there are twenty seven Wonderbolts… Including me, you’ve been with at least thirty six partners of different genders?” Spike asked. Rainbow Dash nodded modestly.
“Oh, and don’t tell anypony, but Soarin’s a herm.” she replied. Spike grew confused.
“The buck is that?”
“Oh, right… It means he can literally buck himself. He’s got two for the price of one.” Spike crumpled his nose at the thought.
“No wonder he likes pie so much.” Rainbow Dash laughed, after which there was an awkward moment of silence between them.
“What about Twilight?” Spike asked. Rainbow Dash looked at him.
“Huh?”
“Did you ever sleep with Twilight?” The Pegasus shook her head.
“Are you kidding me? Twilight’s impossible to sleep with. She makes up all these excuses, like a condition that she has that prevents her from having sex for fear of death. I actually checked with Nurse Redheart. No such condition exists.” Spike laughed.
“Yes there is. It’s called class. She’s too posh to plough.” The two of them shared a laugh once more.
“You know. I’m curious why you asked me if I’d done Twi. You didn’t ask If I’d slept with Rarity or Pinkie, you went straight for your oldest friend.” Spike cleared his throat, but said nothing as his brain worked a way around the subject.
“It’s just that… this whole thing with her being suicidal and everything… It’s got me thinking about her safety, so she enters my mind often, like now.” Rainbow Dash smirked at him and nodded.
“Riiight. Something tells me you’ve changed the direction your heart’s pointing. You’ve completely dropped Rarity and are going for the easier prey. Clever, but given the circumstances, it’ll all be in vain.” Spike growled low at her.
“Okay, okay. No need to eat me over a few choice words.” Spike huffed at that.
“Too late, Dash.” he waved his finger between the two of them, receiving a similar huff in return.
“Tell you what, it’s still the middle of the night. What say we… pick up where we left off last time and see if we can beat ten seconds?” she mused. Spike wasn’t that amused with her pun. He looked out the window and sighed.
“Oh, what the hell.” he said, jumping in the bed.
Spike entered the Library with a hobble. If dragons had a walk of shame, this was it. His frills were drooped like a pony’s ears and he winced every time he took a step.
“I’m home! Sorry I didn’t come home last night. I got caught up with the ‘Byke of Cloudsdale’. She brought a whole new meaning to the term ‘Loyalty’.” Spike looked around and listened for a response. He neither heard, nor saw anything.
“Twilight?” there was an eerie feeling in the air that unnerved Spike.
“Noo!” he growled as he made his way up the stairs and kicked the bedroom door open. Nothing. He ran back downstairs in a blur, checking every room, every corner and space of the Library. He ran outside and scanned the area around the tree. He went so far as to climb the tree and searched every inch of the branches.
“Twilight!!!” he shouted.
“Down here, Sugar Cube.” a familiarly Yankee voice called from below. Spike looked towards the source of the voice and saw Applejack with Twilight, new bandages around her existing wound as well as her other hoof.
“Tell me she didn’t!” Applejack moved her hat to scratch her head.
“Ah caught her just in the nick o’ time. Nearly died she did. Redheart’s given her some medication. She’s pretty outta it right now.” Spike leaped out of the tree and landed with a heavy thud right in front of the two ponies.
“So I can’t have one night to myself without her trying to top herself? Typical Twilight. You always bring me into your mess. You’re such a sad bitch.” he growled. Twilight, who had been leaning against Applejack, opened her eyes groggily and gave Spike a goofy smile.
“Heey… There he is. My ol’ buddy bud-bud.” she proceeded to wobble into the Library and take a seat on the couch across from the fireplace.
“What did Redheart give her? She’s higher than the Spurs Needle in Seaddle.” Applejack handed over a small bottle of pills. Spike read the label.
“Methylphenidate. She gave her Ritalin?”
“Ah guess. What’s it supposed to do?” Applejack asked, looking at the bottle.
“It’s an anti-depressant. It should help her fight back against those suicidal tendencies, but I wouldn’t rely solely on it. I think I’m gonna have to have her take these without her knowing. As Celestia’s student, she’d be too proud to take them. But I don’t think these could cause her to act so… scatterbrained.” Applejack shrugged.
“Oh, wait. Ah think I overheard Nurse Redheart saying something about Valium.” Spike jumped.
“Jeez, where did she get her degree? In a cereal box? Valium and Ritalin can have bad side effects. But I suppose if taken at the right time apart from each other, it may be okay…”
“How do ya’ll know this stuff?” Spike shrugged and looked back at Twilight.
“I read some of the books to pass the time when I was bored. Hindsight’s a bitch.” Twilight began singing to herself in a slurred tone.
“Alright, I guess I’d better… deal with this… thing.” he said. Applejack gave him a hug, which he did not expect.
“What the…?”
“Like Ah said, Ya’ll ain’t gonna convince me that you’ve abandoned your love for us. Ah’ll see ya ‘round Spike.”
“I’m a happy camper!” Twilight cried out with glee, waving her hooves in the air.
“Oh, good. Then you can shove this marshmallow in your gob and shut up.” he said, handing her a stick with a marshmallow on the end. He’d placed one of the Ritalin tablets in the marshmallow.
“Stick that in the fire, take it out and then swallow.” Twilight giggled.
“Spike, don’t talk dirty.” she said, pushing against him. Spike growled low at her.
“Shut up and eat, shut up and eat, shut up and eat.” he chanted to himself as Twilight slowly placed the marshmallow over the fireplace.
“Right, now make sure it doesn’t catch fire. These things are a bitch to put out.”
“Did Rainbow put out?” Spike looked at the lavender unicorn in shock. Had she just said what he thought she said?
“What?”
“I can smell her on you, Spikey. I’ve been around them more than you have, especially… the last three years. Ooh, flaming mallows!”
“Wait… since when can you smell other ponies?” Twilight looked at him and scrunched her face.
“I drank milk that tasted funny. Redheart said it was good for me.” then Twilight giggled and hugged Spike. The young dragon froze in place. He noticed the burning marshmallow.
“Your… flaming mallow is burning.” Twilight laughed again.
“Spike, I said no dirty talk.” The dragon withheld a groan and pointed to the marshmallow on her stick.
“Oh, the puffy mallow! Uh, how do I get rid of the fire?” she asked, waving the stick around.
“Well definitely not like tha-OW!” The marshmallow had flown off and landed squarely between his eyes. Twilight laughed at this and rolled along the floor.
“You’re lucky I’m fire-proof.” he said, grabbing the soft goo from his face. He held Twilight down with his foot, forced her mouth open and dropped the marshmallow into her mouth.
“There. That ought to hold you for the evening.” he said. Twilight stood up and smiled at her friend.
“I have a secret.” she began. Spike huffed in annoyance.
“We all have secrets, Twi.”
“No… My secret’s specifically about you.” she began. Spike sighed in resignation, giving her his full attention.
“Alright, what’s the secret?” he asked.
“Fine, I’ll tell you. But you can’t tell Spike.” she said. After the condition registered with him as idiocy, he accepted.
“Fine, I won’t. Now what’s the secret?” Twilight leaned over to him and smiled.
“Dad smokes in the carriage. Celestia is okay with it, but we can’t tell Mum.” she said. Spike sighed, forcing back a growl.
“Not that, secret, the other Secret.”
“I’m Mare Do Well. Shhhh!” Spike growled this time.
“Damn it, Twilight!” The mare laughed aloud, clutching her sides. “The secret about m-… Spike.” Twilight sighed in submission.
“Spike hates me because I didn’t find him when he left us like last time.” The young dragon looked at her, huddled up in the corner of the couch, her sad face masked slightly by the dopey effect of the Valium.
“I… Spike could never hate you for that, Twi. He knows you tried to find him, because Scootaloo told him.” The unicorn looked at him.
“Spike? Who told you that? What is the other one? I’ll get him for… wait. Why are you talking in third-person? Have you been hanging around Trixie? Was it a threesome? Why didn’t you invite me?” She began to ramble on about random things, the last one intrigued him, but he said nothing on the matter.
“Twilight. It’s time to go to bed. Come on, I’ll tuck you in.” Twilight smiled at him and giggled as her head hung over his arm.
“This is a world gone topys-turvy! I like it. It’s like Rainbow Dash when she was victim to the Poison Joke. Remember that?” she asked. Spike chuckled.
“Yeah, I remember. We had Appleteenie, Rainbow Crash, Hairity, Flutterguy, Spittie Pie, and then you.” he replied.
“Yeah, Twilight Flopple.” she said. Spike laughed.
“Damn you, Hindsight.” he mused. He placed Twilight down onto her bed and wrapped the covers around her in a tight cocoon.
“Spike?” she called to him. Spike looked at her and smiled.
“Yeah?” The lavender unicorn blushed slightly as she moved her eyes over to her bedside table.
“Could you read me a story?” she asked. Spike opened the drawer in the table and pulled out a copy of ‘Daring Do and the Jade Wing’. He smiled and nodded, opening the book from where she’d left the bookmark. As he began reading, he didn’t get through three pages before she was asleep. He placed the bookmark where he’d stopped reading and closed the book quietly, sliding it back into the drawer and closing it as quietly as possible. He leaned over the bed and gently held her face in his hand. He bent down and kissed her forehead. But instead of leaving it there, His mind was drawn to her lips. Asleep, she would have been none the wiser.
He brought his face closer to hers, his own scaly lips brushing against hers. He kept his eyes on her closed ones to make sure she didn’t wake. It would have been difficult to explain to a fully functioning Twilight what he was doing with his face so close to hers. He could taste her breath as she sighed in her sleep; the smell of marshmallows was fresh on her. He curled her top lip with his own. He was so close. With his free hand, he clenched his fist, hearing the sound of his knuckles crack. He reared his head back slightly, freeing her lip before he drew it closer again and…
Author's Note:
In case anypony was wondering, the term Byke is derived from the word Dyke, which is a disparaging term for Lesbian, just as the word 'Nigger' is to a black person. In short, Byke = Bi-sexual.