//------------------------------// // Chapter 1: And then, there was... Jack. // Story: Handsome Jack In Equestria // by East Coast //------------------------------// So yeah, if ya didn't read that prolouge, it's K. The names Handsome jack, I'm awesome, I'm the greatest, I did your mom, blah blah blah. Point is, fuck you, and fuck my week. Lose my girlfriend, my kid, my warrior, and my life (and I think my spleen), to some two-bit bandit A-holes who can't count to twelve. But, to make matters worse, I'm stuck here in ponyland. I arrived here, about two hours ago, in a forest, with nothing on me but my pocket watch, and a pistol. Not bad. I've been stuck with worse. "I mean shit, I had Moxxi as a girlfriend for more than two months. Not THAT'S hell!" "Nothing can keep Handsome Jack down, not snow, not slag, not skag, not illiterate bandit jerkoffs. And most definitely Not-" -THARK WFACK!- I got hit by a branch. A branch... That FELL FROM THE SKY! Oh no. Not having sky branches mess up my beautiful fa-... Wait... No... Oh god no... fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck! They fucking took it! H-H-How... ... "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FACE!!!!!!" So yeah, lost my face too... I always keep a spare but still, it'd have been embaressing to have been seen without it. Anyway, I'll spare you my jig through Everfreak Forrest and get to where I am now. In a library (yeah, they still have these... Like with books and crap). So pre-digital elightenment. "I... I don't think I understand you." "Well you are a horse so that's no shock, I am HANDSOME-JACK, I OWN HYPERION. I need passage off your stunningly colorful, back-water world, to Pandora so I can shove THIS pistol so far up and down various vault hunter orifices!" I'm trying to talk to a purple pony and her little purple skag... It's a dragon but god is it as useless as one. ----------------------------------------------------------- Twilight sat in the library, which was slightly odd as she never "just sat" a day in her life, however there is a first time for everything and today was a first time for many things. For instance, never before had such a man ranted in her sanctum arborium librarium. When he arrived, this man, his clothing muddy and torn from an exercsion through the everfree forrest, had been babling about vaults, warriors, his week, butt stallions, and somepony(s?) he called "Dick Bags". He was human as far as Twilight could tell, her past experiances teaching her virtually everything she needed to know about these creatures, from mating habbits to politics she knew it all. This human however, was differant. He didn't look like a regular human. He looked like an animated picture. He had all the dimensions of a human male he just looked, well... Cartoon-ish... It didn't help that when Twilight had asked him what had happened, he went into an animated frenzy, acting out the whole conflict in paraphrase. "Mr...Uhhmm... Jack, I'm truly sorry to hear of your hardship, and you have my deepest condolences for the loss of your daughter but... I'm affraid I don't have the means to send you home..." Jack deadpanned, mouth slightly agape. "What?" "I don't know exactly where you came from, I need to do research before I can send you back safely. If you were from Earth it'd be different. But I've never heard of Pandora. If I'm to send you back safely, I need to know precisely what dimension your pandora lies. Or else something terrible may happen to you." Jack's expression had gotten worse, what had been simple simple disbelief was now complete and utter "english major in a class on paralell universes explained in wingding", needless to say, the man was confused. "Oh, sorry. Let me explain, you see every dimension has a magical cordinate, a place on the astral map of the wierd. You are in Equestria. It seems we're a dimension on an 'P' axis, meaning we intersect with any dimension on a 'Y' or 'X' axis. That makes it easy for a dimension on such an axis to collide with ours and leave something behind. But, as those dimensions carry on into the infinate unknown it becomes harder to trace that dimension, thereby making it more difficult to return something left here, back there. So to return you to you're dimension I must discover where yours is, when it collided with ours, and how soon until your dimension will cease to exsist to send you back proper. Any questions?" "... Are you talking about magic?" "Yes." "Then why did you explain all that shit."