//------------------------------// // REEEEEEEESSSSPAAWWWN!(a prologue) // Story: Handsome Jack In Equestria // by East Coast //------------------------------// Hey there! my name is Handsome Jack. I am president, C.E.O, el commandante, numereo del uno and the de facto owner of the Hyperion corporation. Maybe you heard of me, course you have. So, dear reader (that is, if you are ACTUALLY reading this and not just some illiterate bandit trash) can I tell you about my weak? Yes, yes I can. It's been a pretty good one let me tell ya. Woke up, had breakfast, blinked, eared a quarter of an infinity dollars (yeah it's possible), talked to my kid, boned my hot ass girlfriend, duped some vault hunters, almost killed them, sent them on a quest to 'liberate Pandora' which really is Handsomelish (that's my new language bt-dubs) for 'play them like suckers so I can wipe out the crimson raiders', boned my hot ass girlfriend AGAIN, bought a diamond pony, named it Butt Stallion after those asswipe vault hunters and uhmmm... You know, pretty good day. Then pretty much I was just winning all over I mean really i was winning in like, two, three like eleven places at once? That's decemyria-winning for those who don't know what a 100,000 sided shape is. Then for like, the next few days i had some witty banter and I killed that dumb bird and that piss-ant sniper was all like 'wahhh you killed my dumb bird! Arrrrgh! I have to shoot things and get drunk cause moxxi dumped me for Handsome Jack, wahhhh!" and cool shit like that right? ... Then it all got fucked! They killed my girlfriend, they killed my daughter, they killed my giant ass god-like all powerful alien warrior! Then! Oh and you're gonna love this one, best joke ever comin up here. They killed ME! Ha! Ha ha! Sooooo freakin funny right? Hold on! Hold on, I'm laughing soooo hard I have to stop writing, as so I can hold my splitting sides! Ha! ... Yeah soo... Death, kinda a set back. No big, I own frickin Hyperion, New-Me's are nothin... 'Cept of course, when some jackhole in another fuckin universe some how shares enough in common with you, that you re-digitize ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the way in East frickin Bum-Fuck ponyland! Oh yeah, I let that out didn't I? Yeah, I'm in ponyland. Yeah no, not like Butt Stallion diamond ponies, but like... Pastel, rainbow, cartoon fucking ponies... So... Yeah... Real fucking busy this week! You know what? Whatever. I don' t care, I mean it. I really don't. Why would I? I'm on a world where the ponies fly, and bake and shoot, like, magic lightning bolts from their frickin horns! This is awesome! This is the best! And you know what... I can always rebuild. First things first though. Gotta find the rip-off, jack-off who caused my respawn here. And murder the fuck out of him.