A Dream That Wasn't

by Another Army Brony

13: The Complication

Joy and I sat down to lunch, each having ordered the same walnut-pecan salad with raspberry vinaigrette dressing. It stands to reason that dedicated herbivores would have a knack for making a really tasty salad, and this was certainly no exception. Even as I was eating it, I couldn’t help but salivate at the thought that this would go great with a nice rare steak and a baked potato… topped with bacon bits, sour cream, chives, and butter… so much butter…

Joy waved her hoof in front of my face, snapping me out of my culturally taboo daydream. Apparently, I’d started drooling as my mouth hung open for a bite, carried away as I was by my fantasy. Even as I was reeled back in from my fantasy, I couldn’t shake the craving. I wanted, no, I NEEDED meat.

Well… that posed a problem.

I took a deep breath to clear my mind before I brought this up to Joy. This was one of those things that really shouldn’t be rushed, something that would have to be phrased just so in order to not be misconstrued.

“Joy, I’m craving meat.”

Luna, fuck me running. Joy nearly choked on her salad in shock, and it was just by dumb luck that there was nopony sitting near enough to hear my vile declaration, though several heads turned at Joy’s coughing and sputtering.  As soon as she regained control, she fixed me with a steady gaze, her expression flipping back and forth between curiosity and disgust. I can’t say I blamed her for that one. After a quiet moment of contemplation, she spoke up.

“What kind?”

Well, that was unexpected. Even before the question fully registered in my mind, my mouth was spitting out a response.

“Steak, damn near raw; and bacon bits served on a baked potato with sour cream, butter, and chives.”

The candid nature of my answer coupled with the detailed description was enough to momentarily stun Joy into silence, though not for long. With a moderately befuddled look on her face, she posed a question that I should have seen coming.

“What is ‘steak’ and ‘bacon’?”

“Steak is a cut of meat from the backside of a cow, and bacon comes from the belly of a pig. You cut it into thin strips and fry it till it’s crispy, then enjoy.”

Even as I said this, I registered two facts: first, that Joy was looking both revolted and fascinated; and second, that I was drooling heavily. I couldn’t help it… I’ve always loved my carnivorous side, though I was surprised that I had only been able to fight the craving for two weeks. Absentmindedly, I licked my chops as I cast a glance at Joy. She was simply staring at me with wide eyes, occasionally blinking to let me know she was still alive. After a moment, she let out a defeated sigh.

“Of course it wouldn’t have been chicken; no, that would have been too easy. Chicken I can manage… I don’t even know how I would go about doing this, or if it’s even possible. That’s not something you can just pick up at the market.”

“Unless you’re at a griffin market.”

Even though it had just come from my mouth, this little declaration had taken me by surprise. Apparently, I’d been paying more attention than I thought as I skimmed the book at the library. Joy’s eyes went even wider as she processed the implications of what I just said, before she adopted a smug “I-just-figured-everything-out-because-I’m-so-smart” look. Intrigued, I cocked an eyebrow to indicate my interest. Joy indulged herself with a few moments of basking in her own glory (she really has been hanging around me too long… that’s MY shtick) before answering.

“Mail order. We’ll just order from one of the griffin suppliers through the mail.”

“Genius,” I replied.

“I am, aren’t I? Not like it’s any sort of surprise, though.”

Joy punctuated her last declaration with a theatrical flip of her hair and an upturning of her snout, as if she was simply too good for us common-folk. She managed to hold this haughty, imperious look for all of three seconds before she broke out chuckling at herself, something that I couldn’t help but join. Something was itching in the back of my mind though, and I had to ask another question.

“Not to question my good fortune Joy, but why are you so willing to help me with this? I’m surprised you aren’t revolted by me or the idea… “

“Dave, I’ll admit, a portion of my willingness to help comes from curiosity. I’ve never actually seen anypony eat meat before… aside from that, I love you and I want to make you happy. The idea of the actual carnivorous act makes me a little queasy, but I know that you can’t help it; it’s just the way you were raised. I just want to make you happy.”

Never in my life have I ever done anything good enough to deserve this mare right here. Knowing how clumsy I am with words, I figured this was going to backfire, but I had to try and let Joy know how I felt.

“You don’t even have to try, love; just being near you is more than enough to make me smile.”

Joy’s face melted into a prideful smile, and her eyes did that twinkling-thing they did sometimes when she was really happy. Huh. I guess that one came out better than I’d thought it would. Joy rose to her hooves dreamily, almost floating as she moved from her spot across from me at the table to take a seat beside me. As soon as she sat down, she ensnared my arm that was closest to her, hugging my arm as she nuzzled her cheek against my shoulder. Whatever part of my heart hadn’t been consumed by the diabeetus melted into a puddle on the floor at this. For a moment, my knack for saying the wrong thing had been flipped ‘pon its head and I’d actually said what I’d meant to say. Scary thing, that is.  She was just too adorable… I leaned down and placed an affectionate kiss on the top of her forehead. As I pulled away, she looked up at me and hit me with the puppy-dog-eyes-equivalent of the orbital friendship cannon. The cute overload caused my heart to reach critical mass before exploding with enough force to kill everypony else in the room. In the back of my mind, there was a pony doing a very convincing impression of having a heart attack, he was even foaming at the mouth and flopping on the floor… oh. I hope somebody gets him some help soon. Somepony should call an ambulance. What’s the number for 9-1-1 in there? Man, I hope he’s okay… wait, what was I doing? Something about orbital cannons and eyeballs… oh, wait. It was Joy. What about her, thou—

My rambling thoughts were subjected to a hard reboot as Joy craned her neck upwards ever so slightly and placed a kiss on my lips. Yeah, pretty much the same as every other time she did that. Blinking as my brain rebooted, I saw Joy looking up at me with the same adorable smile that she had before she moved. I could stare at that smile until the stars turned to dust around me, until time itself got old and died. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t be able to test that claim. The bell rang, indicating that the lunch period was over, and the clusters of ponies throughout the room stood as one and began to shuffle towards the door, still lost in their own conversations. The other diners poured out of the room, and soon it was down to Joy and me. I couldn’t get up and leave if I’d wanted to; Joy was still attached to my arm in a way that made standing all but impossible. I leaned back in for another kiss, and was delighted to receive not just one, but a flurry of quick pecks to the lips. Just before my heart melted once more into a puddle on the floor, a reproachful clearing of a throat caught my attention and staved off the impending cardiovascular meltdown.

Sweeps stood a few tables down from us, making no attempt to hide the scowl on his face as he regarded me with equal parts envy and malice. As soon as his gaze traveled to Joy, it melted away to an expression of hurt and longing. Man, this was awkward as hell. I pulled lightly on my leg, trying to indicate to Joy that it was time to get going without being overt about it. Thankfully, Joy is a good deal quicker than I am, and she disentangled herself from me, allowing us both to stand and walk out of the cafeteria Sweeps was attempting to clean. I nodded cordially at Sweeps as I walked past, receiving nothing but a reproachful glare back. Okay, so he was still pissy… that’s fine with me. Joy and I crossed the cafeteria in silence, save for the clop of hooves on tile as we walked. Though I wasn’t looking at him anymore, I could still feel Sweeps staring at the back of my head… or at the back of something. I dropped a half pace behind Joy, extending my wing slightly to block any view of her hindquarters that he may have had, and I was pleased and mildly irritated to hear a grunt of displeasure from across the room. Sometimes, being right feels… dirty.

Just like that, we were out of the cafeteria and standing in the hallway, looking lost for a moment. I spoke up first, driven by a renewed desire to learn everything I possibly could from Technia with my newly improved mood. Also, I was slightly influenced by the fact that Technia was standing a little ways down a side hallway, looking at me funny.

“Hey, love? I’ve got to get going, I think Technia’s getting a bit antsy.”

“Awww, but I wanted to do some more of that kissing-thing we were doing a minute ago… “

“I know, so do I, but I get the feeling that if I don’t get over there soon, she’s going to start winging wrenches in my direction. My head’s hard enough to take it, but I’m not liking your chances.”

“Hon, I have to deal with temperamental foals all day long. I’ve developed a knack for catching things.”

Dang unicorns and their friggin’ cheating unicorn magic… my internal mumblings were interrupted by the feeling of something sailing through the air in my direction. My head swiveled and locked on the object almost automatically, and I had just enough time to register the object as a wrench before my wing snapped up to deflect it. The impact never came, though; as I lowered my wing, the wrench was slowly spinning in place, held aloft in a soft blue cocoon of glowing light. I turned to look back at Joy, who was wearing the most innocent “who, me?” expression as she looked back at me.

“Okay, love… you’ve made your point. But like I said, she doesn’t like to be kept waiting. See you after work?”

“Yeah, but only for a moment. I have to get to class, so I can’t stay long.”

“Oh, right. When will you be home? I’ll make dinner.”

“Now there’s a scary thought. Sweet, but scary. I won’t be home until late, probably about twenty or twenty one, so there’s no real reason to cook for me. I’ll see you tonight, okay? Technia looks like she’s about to send another wrench our way.”

Joy gave me a quick peck on the cheek and then scampered off down the hallway, throwing a wink over her shoulder as she caught me staring. Dammit… how does she always know? I shook my head and turned to walk towards Technia… and ran right into her. Apparently, she had closed the distance while I’d not been paying attention.  As I backtracked, Technia took a moment to share an observation with me.

“Nice reflexes with the wrench.”

I rubbed the base of my mane distractedly. “Thanks, I guess… “

“Not you, lugnut. Your marefriend.”

I should have seen that coming. “Go figure. And lugnut? Really?”

“Yeah, really. You’ve been acting like a lugnut so far today, so I’m calling you lugnut.”

“Huh. Well, alright then. Shall we?”

“Yep, time’s a wasting. “

And with that, we delved right back into the mechanical innards of the hospital, poking and prodding at the steam and cog-driven organs that fulfilled the critical functions of the hospital. By the time the day was over, my head was a jumble of pipes, conduits, pulleys and serpentine belts… not unlike the inside of the various systems, actually. As the bell chimed five, Technia extracted herself from within a maze of pipes and looked at me.

“Got it? Is it all clicking into place?”

“To be honest? No. I get the basics of the system, and I know how to troubleshoot the small problems, but the finer points… they escape me.”

“Well, that sounds about right for the first day. You’re doing better than I thought you would, actually. You don’t need to know how to reconstruct the mechanisms… that’s my job. All you really need to learn is the basics of assembly and disassembly to fix most of the common problems you’ll encounter. Anything beyond your scope is probably a job for me anyways.”

“Yeah, I know. Still… I feel like I’m on the cusp of understanding the principal behind most of these systems, if not the actual execution of it. I think I’ll have a better time of it tomorrow after I let this stuff sink in a bit.”

“I’m sure of it. Just don’t let it sink too far, otherwise you won’t remember it.”

We shared a light chuckle at this before saying our goodbyes and parting ways. Technia headed off in the direction of Brass’ office, and I set off in search of Joy. I found her near the lobby as she was making her way into the waiting area. I called her name, and she turned and favored me with a harried smile. I came up to her and embraced her, nuzzling her neck as I did so. She returned the gesture briefly before she broke contact.

“I wish I could stay here longer, but I have to be going if I want to get to class on time.”

“Say no more, love. I’ll wait up for you to get back. I want to hear about your day when you get home.”

“Awww, that’s sweet of you. Okay, I’ll be sure to hurry home, but I can’t promise I won’t bore you to sleep with doctor-speak.”

“That’s fine; I don’t mind it at all. I’ll see you at home, love.”

We shared another kiss before she turned and melted into the exodus of the outgoing shift. I almost walked off too, but then I realized that I was still in my jumpsuit. I exhaled a tired sigh before turning to walk back to the office. I turned the corner to the back hallway just in time to see Tech round the far corner and disappear from sight. I walked into the office and was greeted by a smiling Brass.

“So, Technia tells me that you’re doing quite well so far, that it seems you have a knack for this. I just wanted to tell you that you're doing a good job, and as long as you keep this up, there are big things in store for you in the near future.”

“What kind of ‘big things’ are we talking about, Brass?”

In response, Brass just raised an eyebrow and winked. I wasn’t sure if that was a come-on or her just being mischievous, though I was more inclined to believe the latter. I hung up my uniform and bade Brass a fine farewell before striking off into the setting sun. I wound up at Berry’s, a habit that was beginning to take its toll on my bit-satchel (not a coin purse, dammit) even with the discount. I walked in the door and up to the counter, taking note of the fact that there were significantly more ponies in the cafe than usual. Berry greeted me with her usual grace.

“How goes it, Flyboy? Also, you smell terrible. I’m going to have to seat you away from the other customers, you dirty thing, you.”

“Your tact never fails, Berry. What are all of these ponies doing in here, anyways?”

“Enjoying a smoothie, apparently.” She punctuated her comment with a shrug, and I just sighed.

“I really should have seen that coming.”

She nodded in agreement. “You really should have. But really, I started a new promotion to get some more repeat customers. It’s these cards right here. Buy ten smoothies, the eleventh one is free. Get ten free smoothies by punching out the card ten times over and you get a free smoothie per month for life.”

“That actually sounds like a heck of a deal. So what happens if you get ten free smoothies ten times? Is that ten free smoothies per month?”

“Coming from anypony else, I’d laugh that off. But considering that you eat here nearly every day… that is a frightening possibility. Honestly? I’m not sure how to handle that. I suppose it would stack up.”

“So, once I order three thousand smoothies, then I can get a free one per day forever?”

“Yeah, I guess you could. But by the time you buy three thousand smoothies, I’ll have enough bits to move into the Canterlot Castle. Not to mention, as you get more and more free smoothies per month, the number of smoothies you buy is reduced that much. I’m not sure what the math is, but I think it would take years of daily smoothies to buy enough to get a free one every day for life.”

“Sounds like a worthy goal. I’ll take a smoothie and a glass of punch.”

Berry’s next words poured from her mouth like honey, dripping with sweetness and something a bit less innocent. “Ooh, okay. So, where would you like this Punch? Your place or mine?”

“How about on the card?”

At this, her ears drooped and she looked genuinely disappointed. “You’re no fun.”

“On the contrary, I’m quite the riot. I’m also faithful.”

“I know, and I wouldn’t want to come between you two. Still, a girl can dream.”

I raised an eyebrow in what I hoped was an approximation of the dissapointed-dad-stare. “Indeed, she can. As long as the dreams are safe for the eyes of foals.”

Berry blushed, her mauve coat tinting scarlet. I really did not need to know what this implied; that was information I could’ve lived without. Berry coughed to clear her throat before retrieving my smoothie and directing me over to a seat near the register.

“Sorry Flyboy, but I was serious when I said that you smell. I don’t mind, but the other customers might. You know, I have a shower upstairs that you could use… “

I shook my head at that. “Sorry, Berry. I don’t think Joy would approve of that; furthermore, I’m not sure I approve of that.”

“Jeez, it was just an offer. It’s not like I was planning to wait till the shower was running for a few minutes and sneak in for a peak through the keyhole, because… I mean, that’s just not right, and a total abuse of trust… “

The more she tried to deny it, the shiftier her eyes became, darting around as if looking for a life line. Her smile contorted into a grinning caricature of one, guilt so thick it was practically oozing out. I could see right through it, and she knew it, but she never faltered in her denial. I sighed, having finished my smoothie in record time.

“Maybe another time. Right now, I’m going to need another smoothie for the road, and another punch on the card.”

Her features fell as she replied with some utterance to the affirmative and began to make another smoothie. Usually I’d sit down and savor the treat at one of the booths, but Berry was right; I stunk like hell. On top of that, Berry seemed to be acting a little more forward than usual, a fact that gave me pause to be near her for any period of time, lest she get any ideas. Then, my brain decided to throw in its two cents.

Awww, c’mon. She’s cute; why not give her a taste?

What.

You heard me. What’s the harm in giving her a little sample?

Brain… What. The. Fuck.

Don’t give me that. We both know you think she’s cute.

Look here you sonofa bitch… Joy is my marefriend and you have got to be eating paint if you think I’d do anything to hurt her. And the comment about the mares? I don’t think I’ve seen an unattractive one since I’ve been in this town, so that’s invalid. Besides, there’s something special about Joy.

Whoa, easy with the language. I have sensitive feelings, motherfucker. You’re telling ME she’s special. I can see the way you stare at her flank, numbnuts.

Now who’s using the foul language? Hypocrite. You know what? Just be quiet, Brain. I’m already sick of your terrible suggestions.

Oh? Where would you be without the guidance of your inner voice? And what happens if I don’t?

A very different place than here. And if you don’t, I’ll stab you with a q-tip or drown you in alcohol. See how you like that.

As long as you do it in the company of the purple one back there, let’s go for it. I hear she gets pretty fun to be around after a few drinks.

Brain… just… just shut the fuck up. This is not ever going to happen, end of story. Back in your cage, cretin.

Ouch. You’re an asshole. Fine, let’s see how well you get along without me for a bit. I hope you enjoy your Pyrrhic victory.

…

Blessed silence was my only reply. This wasn’t the first time my brain just shat out some sort of verbose idiocy into my consciousness, and I’m sure it wouldn’t be the last. Poke it with a stick! Jump-you can make it! Things of this nature that always seemed to bite me in the ass, I had learned to ignore. Today was no different. By the time the mental altercation had been settled, I was already down the street and around the corner from the café, just then realizing that I needed about half a dozen straws if I wanted to eat this smoothie and walk at the same time. I briefly considered trying to hover over the ground and eat at the same time in the way I’d seen other pegasi doing, but I wasn’t anywhere nearly competent enough in flight to try it just yet.

Or was I? Really, I had no frame of reference other than the brief moment in the hallway, and that didn’t seem to have ended too badly. A thought formed in my mind, and it was just crazy enough that I couldn’t tell if my brain was playing a trick on me or if it was something that genuinely seemed like a good idea. One way or another, I was about to give it a shot… I was going to try to fly.

Why do I hear laughing?

Ignoring my misgivings I made my way out to a field nestled in a small valley. The valley was one situated on the far side of a hill from Ponyville, so as to be out of sight of the townsponies should something go awry. The sun was setting, casting long shadows on the ground as the darkness’ influence slowly waxed. Finding a spot that was far enough away from town that I wasn’t likely to be discovered, I spread my wings and began to stretch. At this point, unbeknownst to me on a conscious level, the mistakes were beginning to pile up. I was far from town and any source of help, nopony knew where I was and I wouldn’t be found to be missing for several hours if something happened, darkness was setting in and reducing visibility, and I didn’t even know the basics of flight. The tick marks in the risk category were stacking up, and this was becoming a perfect storm of poor decisions; the rapidly germinating seed of tragedy. And yet, I was unaware.

I rolled my wings one last time to stretch them out before I finally decided that I was ready. I extended my wings fully, marveling at the way the waning sunlight gilded one wing in its golden light as the waxing moonlight clad the other in quicksilver. I reveled in the sight for a moment, drinking in the beautiful play of light and shadow. I bent my knees and squatted slightly, preparing to jump as I flapped my wings to send myself skyward. Seeing as I had no idea how powerful my wings were, I figured I’d just give a moderate strength flap to see how high it allowed me to jump with the additional lift. I took a deep breath in and out, inhaling once more as I released the energy stored in my legs like a coiled spring being released, flapping my wings downward in a single powerful stroke.

Funny… I don’t remember that bush being there… I was standing by… a tree. Fuck.

It would seem that I once more underestimated myself. With that single stroke, I’d launched myself a good ten or fifteen meters into the sky.

And now I was falling.

Again.

Fuck.

Luckily for me, I retained the mental wherewithal to remember that I was indeed a pegasus in possession of wings. As I began to bleed off the speed of my ascent and begin the trip in reverse, my wings extended fully, catching the air and allowing me to glide instead of plummet. The only problem was… I had no idea how to steer this thing, and there was a tree in my path. Crap… this was going to suck.

Flailing my legs wildly proved to be slightly more effective than I thought, and by flailing to one side or the other, I discovered that I had a limited capability to influence my direction. Not much, but enough to miss the tree at least. Well, until the breeze kicked up, at any rate. I was less than five meters off of the ground when it hit me, nudging my course back to a collision path with the trunk despite my vigorously flailing limbs. There was a thud, and then blackness.

I awoke to the feeling of lips on mine, and before I had the opportunity to register anything beyond the contact, I felt as if I was being inflated by a high pressure air tank. My lungs expanded quite painfully, seemingly being split at the seams as they struggled to contain the massive volume of air being forced into them at such high pressure.

Just as I was sure that I was going to explode from within, the sensation of being a balloon and that of lips pressed against mine ceased; the air left me in a violent exhalation as my lungs returned to their normal size. I was just about to re-inflate my lungs when the lips returned, followed once more by the balloon sensation.

My eyes popped open, taking in the sight before me all at once.

Blonde mane, falling in unkempt strands across a light grey forehead; like locks of gold and silver in the moonlight. Golden eyes set in an expression of dogged determination; glistening wetly with what may have been tears as they focused on two separate things at once. A soft grey muzzle pressed against mine with a desperate intensity, and tasting lightly of honey and something else I couldn’t quite place. The golden orbs locked onto my eyes as they snapped open, and recognition and relief were written across the glistening spheres as they registered my consciousness. The soft grey muzzle, however, didn’t budge; it didn’t break contact. In the back of my mind, there were alarm bells ringing off the hook with their insistence, and yet another part of me… another part of me was enjoying the soft lips pressed against mine, albeit in an unorthodox manner. The grey lips receded from mine far slower than was necessary, leaving me conflictingly relieved and disappointed. What… what just happened?

I struggled to a sitting position from where I lay on my back, apparently having been rolled into a supine position for mouth-to-mouth. Derpy was draped across my chest from where she had positioned herself to render aid, and I couldn’t help but note the suggestive posture in which I found myself, on my back with a mare partially straddling me. This would be difficult to explain to the casual passerby. I found myself licking my lips for the last bit of that honey-and-something flavor, immediately and violently hating myself for it.

What the fuck was I doing? I have a marefriend, for Luna’s sake! This is so wrong… and yet, there was a part of me that enjoyed it.

No… not this again. FUCK YOU, BRAIN.

Derpy was watching my expression at first with great interest, and then with what I can only assume was terrible regret, based off of her expression. I suppose I had some sort of angry look on my face, based on her mortified look. Instantly, I softened my features, internalizing my self-loathing and burying it under concern for the grey pegasus, who was clearly in the middle of a significant emotional event.

“Hey there, Derpy. You alright?”

“Y-yeah. J-just peachy.”

Her stutter clearly indicated otherwise. Her tears were also a pretty good indicator.

“Why do I feel like you aren’t telling me the truth? Look, about what happened… “

“N-now you ha-hate me, because I ki-… kissed you. I w-was only try-trying to help! I saw y-you fly into the t-tree and f-fall… and you did-didn’t get up. I w-was only t-trying to help, and now y-you hate m-me!”

“Huh? Derpy, how many times do I have to tell you… I don’t hate you, or anypony for that matter. Heck, I like you more than I like most ponies, and this changes nothing. Thank you for helping me.”

I declined to mention that I was breathing just fine on my own when she began mouth to mouth… her heart was in the right place and I just couldn’t bear to take that from her.

“I’m so-sorry, I’ll le-leave you alone and nev-never bother you a-again. I—“

“Derpy, that’s not what I want at all. I don’t want you out of my life, not in the least.”

Well… shit. I am going to have to pick my next words very carefully to avoid making things any worse by giving her the wrong idea about 'us'. Derpy looked at me with eyes moist with tears, a few already having made their way down her snout. Without thinking, I reached up and gently brushed one away, surprising the both of us.

Fuuuuuccckkk…

“You… you d-don’t?”

“No, I don’t. You were only trying to help, and nopony worth being a friend to in the first place would hold that against you. You and I have a special bond since that night, one that makes us closer than friends… “

I could see her eyes light up from where I was, and I felt like the worst pony on earth for what I was about to say.

“… It makes us like family.”

Family-zoned. As high as she had allowed her hopes to rise, they came crashing down around her, just as hard. I had managed to get into a proper sitting position throughout our little discussion, in addition to extricating myself from underneath the grey mare. From my sitting position, I pulled her into a hug. She offered token resistance at first, before going limp in my arms. After a few moments had passed, I felt her arms snaking up my back to return the embrace. As they slid up my back, they slid past a few "sensitive" spots that I hadn’t even known existed, causing my wings to extend straight back with the sound of a parachute opening. I was in the midst of deciding whether I needed to be concerned or not when my fears were laid to rest. I felt Derpy smile into my shoulder as she mumbled

“Got you. Ha-ha… “

“Yeah, you did.”

Imagine what it would be like to get with a pegasus mare… they know all the sweet spots…

Godammit brain, fuck off already. I’ve had enough of your shit today.

This was beginning to become a bad habit, and was most certainly a bad sign. I sighed, causing Derpy to squeeze me a bit harder before releasing me.

“T-thanks for understanding, Dave. I c-can’t imagine l-losing you as a friend over something l-like this.”

“And you never will. I’ve stayed friends with ponies far worse than you could ever be, even if you tried. You are a swell mare and a good friend, and I wouldn’t give that up lightly.”

“You are a spiffy colt, yours-self, and I’m really happy we met.”

“Me too, Derpy. Well, I have to get home before Joy misses me. We should hang out sometime, okay?”

“Definitely. Good night, D-Dave. Watch out for trees.”

“I will, I swear it. That thing jumped right out in front of me…“

“Silly Dave, trees can’t jump. They have no knees!”

“Alright, goodnight you. See you around.”

With a smile and a nod, she was off into the night, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

Honey.

Shaddup.

I walked home slowly, beginning to feel the soreness of the collision as it seeped into my muscles. I was going to be sore tomorrow, that was for sure. I walked into the house and had just enough time to take off my saddlebags and sit on the couch before the door opened and disgorged Joy.  She sauntered up to me, looking both tired and excited before stopping about an arm’s length away and scrunching up her nose.

“Good Night… you stink, Dave.”

“Why thank you. I tried quite hard, I’m glad you appreciate it.”

She smiled at this before taking a deep breath and holding it, leaning in for a kiss. We locked lips, feeling our collective stresses lessen slightly. As Joy pulled away, she made a bit of a face, licking her lips.

“You taste like honey. Did you stop for a snack on the way home?”

I was mortified. I felt my blood turn to ice as my stomach turned itself inside out and back again.

“Yeah, something like that. Stopped at Berries for a smoothie, and she’s got a new promotion going on.”

I pulled out my card and showed off the two punches in it, explaining the details of the promotion. All the while that I was explaining this, I felt like there was a creature in my gut, raging about in an attempt to escape. Had I lied? No, I had not. Had I withheld critical information in blatant self interest? Yes, and I was a terrible pony for that. It’s not even like it was something all that bad… after all, she’d only been trying to help. But I recalled vividly the nice little shade of green that Joy had turned when Derpy had hugged me after they released her from surgery… I knew that this, however innocent, would not go over well. And then there was the complicating factor that I’d liked it on some level, and I wasn’t prepared for the implications of that. There was no way that my old ways would follow me here. I would not permit it to happen.

I concluded my summary of Berry’s promotion, at which time Joy swore that she’d help with my crusade, if only to see the look on Berry’s face when it came to fruition. I chuckled to strangle the feeling growing in me, and then I set off for the shower. I showered with the water as hot as I could get it, trying to scrub the un-cleanliness off of me; a useless endeavor if ever there was one. Red, raw, sore, and defeated, I made my way out of the shower to meet Joy on the couch in our usual fashion.  Once we’d gotten settled in and set the music to playing, I finally remembered to ask Joy how her day had gone.

“Oh, it was fantastic! I’d taken a little bit of time to read ahead in a few of the texts I got from Twilight, and it really paid off. When Professor Oak began to go on this rant about the divergence in species and the medical advances that had been made by studying them, I felt like I was the only one who wasn’t ‘lost in the sauce’ as you would put it. That’s a strange saying, though… how does one get lost in sauce? I’ve dropped a spoon in it once, but it wasn’t lost lost, more like hiding lost. Anyways, back to class, as it were. Professor Oak got upset that one of the mares in the front row dozed off during his introductory lecture, so he had us all stand up as he asked us questions about his lecture. You couldn’t sit down until you got one right… needless to say, that poor mare was standing for a while.”

“Heh. That sounds familiar, actually. I had to do something like that in training, but it was a little more intense than standing. Still, I wouldn’t have wanted to be that mare.”

“Yeah, she looked really tired. I was like that when I first started night classes, but you get used to it after a while.”

“You’re in an advanced class, right?”

“Yep, only a few more months and a research paper, and you’ll be looking at Doctor Joy, not Nurse Joy.”

I nodded affirmatively at her, musing to myself that Doctor Joy just wouldn't have the same ring as Nurse Joy. “Of this, I have no doubt. Well, that mare in the front row… she is apparently new to night classes, but she’s in a graduation class. So she’s either some kind of Twilight-level genius, or she transferred from days. Right?”

“Probably. I wouldn’t really know, though. I’ve been in night classes for a few years now, and I have little to no interaction with those on days.”

“Makes sense. Conflicting schedules and such.”

The conversation continued in this manner for a while as Joy recounted the rest of her day, having exhausted the high points for her day at school. Before long, the conversation switched back to me and my day. I recalled just about nothing useful that I could explain without a visual aid, so I skimmed over some of the basics I’d learned. Joy was soon fast asleep, lulled into the abyss by a slew of technical jargon. It wasn’t until I heard her gentle snores that I realized she’d fallen asleep in the midst of my tale. I smiled warmly at Joy, leaning down to place a kiss on her forehead, causing her to shift slightly and grin in her sleep. Shifting myself into a more comfortable position lying snout to snout with Joy, I took her hoof and kissed the top of it, like a gentleman kissing a lady’s hand in an old movie. She smiled again, sliding her hoof out of my grasp to drape it across my shoulder and pull me closer. As we lay there, snout to snout, her warm breath tickled my nose, making me smile. I kissed her nose, and then we were both smiling. I drifted off to sleep, lulled by the warmth of her arm across me and the rhythmic sound of her breathing.

I awoke a bit before my alarm went off, stretching languidly. I’d forgotten all about the tree incident the night before in the wake of a steamy dream featuring swirls of sapphire and alabaster, but my body hadn’t. As a matter of fact, my body was apparently holding a grudge about that, because as I stretched the sleep out of my muscles my world dissolved in flashes of white and crimson. I immediately ceased my stretching, and the pain abated significantly, though not entirely. I stretched a bit more slowly this time, doing so in increments and letting my body adjust to the movement before pushing further. By the time I was finished, my alarm was going off and I’d lost any head-start I might've had on the day.

With a groan of protest from my limbs and a mumbling of general discontent, I decided it was time to get a shower and rolled out of bed.

All the way out.

As I hit the floor with a thump and a groan, I had a flash of déjà vu hit me across the face like a wet towel. Yeah, this seemed familiar.

Come on, legs. I thought we were past these shenanigans? Did we not have a bonding moment? I know I kinda hit you with a tree and stuff… but really, is this any way to act? I have wings, and once I figure out how to use them, you are expendable. If you want to keep “hanging around”, then you’ll have to start pulling you own weight. Namely, my own weight. Got it?

I wasn’t sure if the tingling in my legs was from the stretching or an acknowledgment of my ultimatum, but upon testing my limbs once more and finding them responsive, I concluded the latter was the case.

Don’t judge me.

I shuffled my way to the bathroom and turned the tap to “arctic” before stepping in. Even having done this numerous times before and knowing what to expect, the water was still shockingly cold. I was vaguely surprised that there weren’t icicles forming on the showerhead. Wide awake by that point, I dialed the faucet to something a bit warmer than glacial runoff to complete my ablution. I stepped out of the shower and dried myself, shaking my mane to clear my head and rid myself of extra water. See? I can multitask. For reasons unknown to me, I headed out to the kitchen, sneaking as stealthily as I could.

Surprisingly, I was doing a pretty good job of it, considering the rebellious nature of my limbs. I stalked into the kitchen, slinking along the floor with all the grace and stealth of a feline on the prowl. Either Joy was really engrossed in food preparation, or I was really and truly being stealthy, because she failed to register my presence. I drew up close enough to touch her, and she still hadn’t indicated any knowledge of my presence.

So what did I do? Well, I nipped her on the flank, of course. I mean, why wouldn’t it be a good idea to sneak up behind somebody who is distracted and give them a little pinch on the bum?

The next thing I recalled was staring at the ceiling and wondering when we put stars up there… Joy appeared over me, looking absolutely horrified as she covered her mouth with her hoof.

“OhmySunDaveI’msosorry!”

“Urgh… too many words. What happened?”

“You snuck up on me while I was cooking, then you nipped my flank. Were you trying to get kicked? You know that’s a reflex, dummy.”

“I may have forgotten, but I remember now. The ghost peppers might have burned that bit out of my memory.”

Joy chuckled as she recalled my antics while hallucinating under the influence of inferno distillate. I was about to stick my tongue out again, but I really had no desire to repeat any of my previous experiences with this matter.

“Yeah, that was pretty funny. Are you okay though? I think I got you in the head. Are you seeing double? Does everything sound muffled? Can you think clearly? Well… as clearly as you normally do?”

“Yep, HEADS is good.”

“Heads? You only have one head. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“HEADS is an acronym; Headache, Ears ringing, Altered consciousness or alertness, Dizziness, or Something just not right.”

“Huh… haven’t heard that one before, but it’s a good one. I’ll have to remember that. Mind if I tell some of the other nurses about it?”

“Huh? No, not at all. Knowledge and information, for the most part, are meant to be shared and spread, not locked up in a box. Especially when it deals with something that could help another pony.”

“Well put, Dave. Now I know you have a head injury… that was way too logical for you.”

I shot her my best “are you kidding me” look, drawing a relieved chuckle from the mare. In the midst of her chuckle, something clicked in her mind and caused her to stop short.

“Wait, what do you mean ‘for the most part’?”

Busted.

“There is some information that cannot be released to the public, usually pertaining to sensitive personal data or things of that nature.”

Not bad for something I dredged up from some obscure manual I'd read who-knows-how-long-ago…

Joy pondered this for a moment before shrugging and accepting it as a fact. After all, in her line of work, there had to be times that she’d come across ponies in potentially scandalous binds or with very personal issues, the kind that would be best kept from the public view.  Personally, I’d sighed in relief that it hadn’t gone any farther than that. Sooner or later I’d have to come clean about it, but I was planning on waiting for time to dull it a bit before I popped that star cluster.

Keeping it a secret will only make it worse in the end.

Shaddup, Brain.

No, really. Not even fucking around this time, this will bite you in the ass, boyo.

Nah, I got this.

Really? What am I even here for then, since you apparently have this all figured out already.

You keep my neck warm.

I… fuck. Know what? I’m out. Don’t worry, I’m sure there is no way this will come back to bite you in the ass. Like I even care… I don’t have an ass. Other than you, anyways. Peace, idiot.

Yeah, get out of here, you bum.

There was no reply, but I became aware of a few things right about then. First, Joy was looking at me strangely and waving a hoof to get my attention. Second, I had just told… whatever part of my brain that was… to bugger off and it had listened. I’m still not really clear on how that works. And finally, if I didn’t eat something and head out soon, I was going to be late. I gave Joy a sheepish smile as I stood up, which did little to dispel her strange look. She probably heard me talking to myself and was now questioning my mental integrity.

“Sorry about that. Spaced out for a bit, love. So, food, yes?”

Still regarding me with a wary eye, Joy stood up and looked at me for a second. I wondered how much she’s heard of what I’d said. Poking the sore spot on my head, she grimaced to herself. “Yeah, that’s gonna be a bruise. I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. What’d you say?”

Dodged another bullet. Seriously, by this time I should look like Chrysalis. I couldn’t help but wonder how much longer my luck would hold, or why I was relying on luck instead of just coming clean. At this last thought, one of the ponies in my head fell to his knees and raised his arms to the sky, exclaiming “hallelujah!” before a quartet of burly ponies in black jumpsuits emerged from the shadows and began to drag him away. I’m sure this was some sort of subtle way my mind was telling me something, but I didn’t have time to parse the intricacies of my random visions to figure it out.

Instead, I simply smiled and looked at Joy.

“Food, yes?”

“Food? Yes, food. I’ll get that right now. I’d tell you to hurry and eat, but I’m not sure it’s possible for you to eat any faster and survive. Just remember, we have to leave for work soon.”

“Yes, dear.”

Breakfast consisted of some sort of daisy-waffle-thing, served with a side of fruit and a glass of cold OJ. I wish I’d slowed down enough to actually taste it, but I was determined to eat as quickly as possible. In less than a minute, I’d cleared my plate. Joy’s mouth hung wide open, and her mind seemed to be stuck in a rut.

“How… how did you… that’s not even possible… is it? Did you even chew? I mean… how… how are you not choking, this doesn’t make any sense… grrr. Dave, just when I think I’ve seen it all, there you go with something like this.”

“Hehehe. Once again, you underestimate my awesome. It’s okay, it’s just one of those things you get used to. I’m probably the fastest eater in Equestria… other than Pinkie Pie. Nopony can out-anything Pinkie Pie.”

Joy seemed to think this over a bit before just shaking her head and muttering. I seem to recall doing the same thing when I thought about Pinkie for the first time, so I knew the feeling well enough. Joy shook away her daze and finished up her own breakfast much quicker than usual, yet somehow still managed to retain her lady-like composure throughout. Personally, I attribute it to the cheating unicorn magic, allowing her to cut her next bite even as she was moving the first one to her mouth. Bah… friggin’ unicorns. Once she had finished her meal and daintily wiped her mouth with a napkin (I’d just used the back of my hoof… seemed like a good idea at the time, but now I was all sticky), we gathered our respective belongings and set off to the hospital. We passed the walk to the hospital alternately commenting on whatever we saw that caught our fancy, and with Joy grilling me as to just how on Equestria I was able to eat so darn quickly.

“It’s simple, really. Chew just enough to make it fit down your neck-hole. Repeat as necessary.”

“Neck-hole? Is that the scientific term?”

“Eyup.”

If it were possible to facehoof while walking without falling face-first into the ground, I’m positive Joy would have done so. As it was though, she just sighed in a tired manner as she chuckled at me.

“I swear, Dave… sometimes you worry me.”

“If it’s only sometimes, you either aren’t paying close enough attention, or I’m not trying hard enough.”

“That’s not a challenge, Dave. Anyways, my schedule is pretty much the same for the next few months while I’m in class, so you’ll be on your own in the evenings. If I find out that you’ve gone and gotten yourself hurt while I’m not around to take care of you, I swear to Celestia that I’ll hire a foal sitter to watch you. I hear Pinkie Pie’s rates are pretty reasonable… “

Visions of myself being placed in a diaper and thrown into a comically oversized crib that Pinkie pulled out of Celestia-knows-where danced through my head. For some reason, I couldn’t shake the idea that the Pink One would take her job literally, and sit me like a foal. That was something I’d like to avoid.

“Okay, okay… you’ve made your point. Maybe I’ll take up knitting… “

A moment of silence passed as the both of us contemplated what could possibly go wrong. We looked at each other at the same time, our expressions indicating that our minds were on similar tracks. I amended my previous statement.

“Well… maybe something without those big needles… “

“Yeah, that seems much safer, considering the audience… “

“Oh, hush you. I’m not that—“

Any further retort was cut short as the door to the shop I was passing in front of was suddenly and violently opened. Don’t worry though, I stopped the door before it could cause any real damage… using my face. I stumbled backwards and sat down heavily on my rump; partially out of shock and confusion, but also partly due to the fact that my face had been remodeled, including the addition of a nifty blood-fountain at the end of my nose.

Son of a BITCH that hurt.

“Augh, godammit that hurts… “

Joy was there in a flash, knocking my hooves away to get a better look at the damage. Her horn glowed a bit and I could feel the blood being lifted out of my coat as the wound was cleaned to expose the actual damage. With a “tsk-tsk” sound, she clucked disapprovingly before turning a chastising stare at the pony coming out of the door with such haste. The pale mare with the fuchsia and crimson mane just stood there in shock, apparently mortified by what had just occurred.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! Are you okay? Oh, I’m so sorry about that… “

I raised a hoof to wave away her concerns, but the fact that it was covered in blood didn’t really inspire confidence in the mare.  Thankfully, Joy was a bit better prepared to talk to ponies than I was, and she immediately took over the conversation.

“Oh, don’t fret about it, Rose. These things happen… especially with this one.”

At that, Joy nodded her head in my direction, as if there was any sort of doubt to whom she referred. Rose’s gaze flickered from Joy to me for a moment before returning to the mare in charge of speaking for me.

“I still feel bad about it… I should have been watching what I was doing instead of rushing out like that… it could have been a foal instead!”

Joy shrugged in agreement. “Well, yeah. You should be more careful when you open the door, especially seeing that this is probably the only shop with a door that opens outward on this entire block. Just keep that in mind in the future, okay?”

“Yeah, you’re right. Still, is there anything I can do to help? I am responsible for this, after all… “

“No, that’s alright Roseluck. I’ve got this under control. You seemed in a hurry, so you can leave if you need to.”

“Are… are you sure? I wouldn’t want to leave you like this since I caused it… but if you insist… “

Joy simply nodded. “I do. If you have someplace to be, you can go ahead and leave. He’ll be fine in a bit, and whatever it is must be pretty important.”

“Well, okay then. I’m sorry about this though… but I have got to get to work… I’d hate to be late on my first day at Flora’s. See you later, Joy, and sorry about the nose!”

At this, Roseluck turned and took off at a brisk trot, clearly in a hurry to be somewhere other than here. The blood-fountain in my face had slowed to a trickle, and even that was dying down rapidly. Joy’s horn glowed once more, and the tingling sensation on my hoof told me that the blood was being cleaned off of me with that tingly-minty-blue magic. Another moment passed, and the glow around Joy’s horn abated once more, as she gave a satisfied nod of her head.

“Alright Dave, that should do it. Just don’t pick your nose or run into anything else until at least this afternoon, okay? Wouldn’t want the clot to get locked loose. You’re quite the bleeder.”

“Okay. And thank you, twenty one years of practice in action.”

“Oh Dave, what am I going to do with you? Well, get up, we’ve got to get going.”

I can name a few things…

You again. I thought you left?

I did, but this was just too good to miss.

You suck.

That’s the best you’ve got? Really?

I’m in no mood for this, Brain. Whoever or whatever you are, I was just fine before you started talking to me, so I’d like to go back to the way I was. Can’t you just take a permanent vacation?

Nope, because I am you. Just think of me as the little red guy on your shoulder.

Great, just what I needed. A bad influence.

I’m not all bad… I just like to liven things up a bit. Besides, with as much temptation as you have around you, it would be too easy for me if that’s what I was after. No, I prefer to watch you struggle it out for yourself.

Great, so I have a sadist in my head. Just my luck.

Seems that way, doesn’t it? Well, I’m going to take a nap. Try not to die.

That’s helpful.

Again, I was met by silence. So it would seem that I now have a voice that has taken up residence in my head. Because that’s not troubling or anything. Just what I needed, more complications in my life.

The taste of honey floated up from the mist of my memory, calling forth the events of the previous night.

Godammit.

I hate Complications.