Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
Family Appreciation Day
Dear Princess Celestia,
Why can't all old ponies be like you? I mean, you're more than one thousand years old, and you still look perfectly fine. Every old pony I know is wrinkly and smelly. And they keep on trying to tell me that you are the one true God, and Luna is just a false prophet. But to tell you the truth, I think both of you are pretenders. I think the sun and moon actually raise and set by themselves and you two are a bunch of power horders.
I'm not even that old yet, and I can tell how everypony pretty much sucks. Kids are cruel, teens are assholes, and adults walk around like they're always right and kids are always wrong. Screw that.
So we just had Family Appreciation Day, and because my teacher is the most sensitive, empathetic pony I know, she chose me to bring family in. Me, when I'm pretty sure my mom and dad are dead. And even after I explained that this week is the Zap Apple harvest, she decides to find reason in Diamond Tiara of all places, and tells me to bring in the granny who 'wouldn't remember her mane if it wasn't attached to her head.' Great. Why? Grannies aren't for Family Appreciation Days. Grannies are for pwning noobs. Besides, there's a Family Appreciation Day every week, and there are only like 8 in our class. So basically, every two months is gonna be the same thing. Sure, they could bring in different family members, but once you've met one, you've met them all, I'd say.
Then, I decided to get help from the only two ponies who consider me worthy enough to associate with. Too bad that they're just as dim as I am. They thought that painting my face a sickly green would make Granny think I'm sick, or that Cheerilee somehow wouldn't see the ropes when we played puppet with her when she was napping.
So I finally came up with a believable plan that actually, ALMOST worked. I sent her off to visit Uncle Apple Strudel, and was almost home free when Granny Smith walked in with Uncle Apple Strudel. So I must have accidentally put her on Doctor Emmet Brown's train. Whoops.
But it turns out, that my Granny Smith was responsible for founding all of Ponyville. Even Silver Spoon decided to show some respect. So then I decided to shove it in Diamond Tiara's face, that if Granny hadn't made the Zap Apple Jam, that her dad never would've struck it big, and she'd probably be on the street corner for money.
You know, if there's anyone out there that actually wants to fuck a sassy stuck-up bitch.
Your faithful laborer,
Apple Bloom