edit
sorry about the poor update speed, the story should move along quicker now.
Wet chemistry is by far one of the most tedious and mundane of the sciences. Twilight had been at it all night.
On the previous day, Twilight Sparkle had come across a new product being pitched by the Flim Flam Brothers, novelty facial foam supposedly for hair growth. Twilight felt suspicious of this ‘miracle’ cure. Somehow she suspected that if those brothers where selling water, it would be dry.
Since then Twilight had been reading the literature on the foam provided by the Flim Flam brothers, page by agonizingly boring page. Twilight had once read a book about the history of dust. 5000 pages of dust facts cover to cover, in a single afternoon. The Facial Follicle Facilitating Foam literature made dust facts look like Princess Celestias power point presentation spells. Whoever made this was a boredom wizard. The packet was repetitive, fluffy, and used words like sesquipedalian, and other vastly overcomplicated words that needed to be reread a few times.
But if reading the stuff was bad, than testing it was far worse.
For each assertion, Twilight would need to check facts, and half of the sources sighted where incredibly rare books that could only be found in Cantelot. But asking Spike to play mail dragon into the night would be cruel. So Twilight had resolved to simply run a barrage of tests to check for saftey and utility of the tonic foam.
…
Hours passed
…
Quite surprisingly it had all checked out... Twilight checked again.
The fact remained, the Flim Flam Brothers Facial Follicle Facilitating Foam did exactly what it claimed to do. Twilight had started by running carcinogenic testing spells (created after the cloudsbestos fog catastrophe in Las Pegasus) along with basic toxicity testing. The stuff was harmless to all ponies and anything else for that matter. It was even formulated with a light conditioner to keep the hair soft.
After insuring safety Twilight had tested function. Being a mare, Twilight decided that self-testing was out of the question.
Twilight had to go out into the night and sneak across Ponyville to Fluttershy’s house.
Fluttershy would understand... right?
Either way, Twilight ended up with seven bearded white mice running around the lab.
How Twilight would explain this to Fluttershy was put on the backburner for now as there was still science to do. Twilight spent the rest of the night recording results.
It wasn’t until dawn, after a night of hard research and testing that Twilight finally had all the facts she needed to conclude that, without a doubt, the foam was an inert substance with some form of single purpose magic attached to it.
.
There was nothing illegal, dangerous, or any such thing wrong with the foam. But Twilight did find it fascinating, and deemed that it was interesting enough for a follow up interview with the Flim Flam Brothers to see how they had managed to bond the spell with the foam. Twilight wrote something to that effect at the bottom of her results list. The mare promptly flopped face first onto the slightly damp lab counter asleep.
….
Big Macintosh swaggered into town like a new stallion. He had, for the first time in his life, a full beard. The work horse felt confident, masculine, and most of all thankful to the two ponies who had made it all possible. The Flim Flam Brothers, who were still drawing a crowd in the market place.
As Mac walked up to the two stallions, they immediately took notice of him.
“Well would you look at what we got here brother of mine, Mr. Apple has returned.”
“seems our good reputations are on their way to being re-earned.”
“In a single night, that’s all that it took before it appeared.”
“A satisfied patron with a long shaggy full grown beard.”
Flim elected to watch the stand while Flam trotted over with a good natured smile… and a beard on his face.
“Mr. Apple, it seems that the foam worked, you look marvelous!” Flam said, loud enough for several spectators in the crowd to hear.
Big macs hoof instinctively came up to his face, stroking his beard.
“Yup.” He replied happily, smiling a bit. “I wanted ta say thanks, that stuff really works wonders.”
“Wonderful!” Flam replied energetically. Flam then brought his voice down to a whisper, “by any chance, would this be your first beard?”
Mac again appreciated that he didn’t show blushing as he cast his eyes to the ground.
“Figured as much,” replied Flam understandably, “my brother actually had the same problem, didn’t come in evenly.”
Mac nodded along.
“The reason I ask is I noticed that you weren’t styling it at all.” Flam twisted his curly moustache as he continued, “We do have a handy little guide book available here if you're interested. Lots of information on essential beard care. For a nominal fee of course. Interested?”
Mac nodded and smiled a little, he should have figured he’d be hit with a sales pitch. What the heck, it was the bearded stallions day.
“yup!”
“Excellent, please follow me and…”
“This stuffs a bunch of horse hockey! I want my money back!” a loud and cranky sounding voice rang out from the back of the line.
Every pony turned and parted to reveal a wrinkled old donkey, with Fobio blond hair, and a gigantic black beard sitting on his face.
Cranky Doodle Donkey marched right up to the stand looking more cranky than usual partially due to the intimidating beard factor, partially because he was super pissed. The ass slammed a dented and empty tin of FFBFFF Foam on the counter, looked Flim square in the eye and shouted some more.
“This stuff here didn’t make a lick of difference! I want my money back and that big sack of bits you were so keen to give away yesterday while you’re at it!”
Flim looked incredibly nervous, the crowed was exchanging glances and beginning to disperse, bad for business.
Flam ran from his book showcase with Mac, who was browsing, and appeared for the save.
“But sir,” he said with purpose, “you have a thick, full beard right under your nose, as promised!”
Cranky locked eyes with Flam and got right up in his face.
“Yeah, I got a full beard alright, but I applied the stuff to my head! And don’t ‘sir’ me my name is Cranky!” Cranky growled.
Flam looked up to the donkey’s hair for a moment. Blond hair… with a black beard…. Ohhhh… Flam put two and two together and realized that Cranky was wearing a wig, a very nice wig. This gave Flam an idea to get rid of the heckler.
“But Sir, you have a full head of ‘blonde’ hair right on top of your head.” He said putting on the biggest ‘come at me bro’ smile ever achieved.
“Cranky eyes went wide for a moment,” he hadn’t considered that in order to contest the Flim Flam brothers he would have to reveal his baldness. He considered just playing it off, but in the end decided to just go for it. “I’m bald,” he said, removing the wig.
“Bald!”
“Bald!!!
“BALD!” several ponies in the crowd began to shout, pointing and cowering.
“MY EYES!!!!” a stallion shouted after glancing directly at Cranky’s gleaming scalp.
Cranky ignored this and continued; now he had to get the money.
“I applied that entire tin to my head and nothing!” He shouted.
Flim and Flam exchanged a look and then looked back to the crowd, and then to Cranky.
“Were sorry sir, but the Flim Flam Brothers Facial Follicle Facilitating Foam is just that.” Flim said.
“It only grows beards, where it is applied matters not, it will only grow facial hair, no exception, exemptions, extras, or tricks.” Flam said.
Cranky was less than pleased to hear this. He had now made an even bigger ass of himself than normal, all for nothing. He decided to try one last ditch effort to get something out of this embarrassing episode.
"Fine then!" he shouted, "but I still want a refund!"
"I’m sorry sir all sales are final." Flim and Flam both said flatly.
"But it didn’t work you swindler! SWINDLERS!!! These two are a couple of cheats!" Cranky decided to try playing to the crowd; he figured that if he got them riled up enough the Flim Flam Brothers would just pay him to go away. It was a dirty trick, but Cranky had already made thrown his dignity away.
It all worked like a charm, the crowd heard Cranky shouting abuse and immediately began to question the integrity of the two traveling sales ponies. Some of them dispersed, some whispered, some just stood by and watched to see how things would turn out. One red work horse however, decided to put down the book he had been reading and intervene.
“Now hold on there!” Big Mac said sternly. The giant bearded stallion approached the bald bearded jackass.
“Who are you supposed to be?” Cranky shouted.
“I’m Macintosh Apple.” Mac answered, “Ah think its best that you cut yer losses and move along partner.”
Cranky took a step back. This stallion was big and his beard was the stuff of folk legend. But the Donkey was in full ass
mode now, much too stubborn to stop.
“Oh, I see!” Cranky shouted, “somepony speaks up against these swindlers and they call in some red goon to shut me up! You see that everyone! They’re going to beat up an old Donkey for a revealing their scam!”
“Now wait just a minute…”
“Nice try but there are witnesses here!”
“Hold…”
“What is this Stalliongrad?!”
“If ah could…”
“You should all be ashamed of…”
Mac had always been a Stallion of few words but having his reputation called into question, and then being shamed by some ass was enough.
“HOW DARE YOU!!!” Mac shouted, stomping his hoof down on the ground hard enough to make every apple as far away as Manehatten quiver in fear. “ah will not have some two bit loudmouth with a shiny head bully me or these two…” the Flim Flam brothers perked up as Mac gestured to them, “… for nothing but trying to make a living honestly!”
“Oh?” Cranky spat, “and what are you going to do about it?” Cranky figured that if he could goad the stallion into hitting him he could have him. Yes that would work. One punch to the jaw wouldn’t kill him, cranky would go down fast and make a big scene. The big red goon would be arrested, and then maybe Cranky could get a nice court settlement. “Go on then you stupid inbred hick, hit me!”
Cranky stuck out his jaw for Mac to hit.
Mac had other plans, only moments before he had been reading from a book, The Elements of Facial Hair. It was very informative, especially the section on codes and laws of the beard.
“Ah challenge you to a beard off!”
The world went dark for a moment, as ancient dark magic was awoken form a thousand year slumber. Somewhere off in the distance an immortal bearded dragon let out a mighty roar and took to the sky. An equestrian beard off such things had not been seen since ancient times of war. The rules where simple, the magic powerful, two bearded ponies enter, the better of the two leaves a mighty hero, the loser loses all honor.
“What in the…” Cranky started.
WHOOSH
A shadow descended over all of Ponyville.
WHOOSH
Ponies from all over the town looked up. Some gawked, some screamed, and some scattered.
WHOOSH
a mighty yellow and blue mountain of ancient shining scales appeared over the town. Its massive limbs crashed to the ground, narrowly missing buildings and ponies as it settled from its flight the ground shook with its great weight as it settled.
Flim and Flam stood slack jawed. They had read the book, the original copy in the Canterlot library, before they had bought the rights to it and reprinted it as a paperback, but they had not really taken it all that seriously. Most of it was just styling tips. But now here it was the immortal bearded dragon. Standing at a hundred feet tall in gold and sapphire scales, its beard was white and braided into many intricate shapes and styles. And now it was speaking…
“I am the Immortal Bearded Dragon, who has summoned me!” The loudest echoing voice was like something between a whale song and a thunder storm.
Big Mac didn’t skip a beat.
“That would be me!” he shouted out, “I have challenged this Donkey to a beard off on the charge of slander!”
The dragon’s giant face came down to meet Big Mac. It breathed a great billow of spoke from its nostrils and regarded the red work horse.
“Very well Stallion, I accept this…” the dragon lifted its face up into the air and gave a great announcement, “I declare this beard off officially begun! Stallion, Donkey, prepare yourselves!”
Cranky wet himself.
Big mac throughout his chest and braced himself for the spell.
The dragon brought its face back down to the two and breathed a great torrent of gold and blue flames upon them both. Those few brave souls who had stayed to watch looked on in horror for a full thirty seconds before the fire finally stopped.
A circle of scorched earth was left, the two males where unscathed. But they had changed.
Cranky opened his eyes and saw that he was now utterly bald. Not just no mane, but no hair at all! NAKED! Not even so much as an eyebrow. His boney pinkness exposed to the world to laugh at... If not for the giant dragon, they would have, but for now everything was to new and shocking.
Big mac however stood just as he had. His red coat, green apple cutie mark, orange mane…
His beard!
Big mac looked down at his newly formed beard. His beard had grown again. Now it was twice as long, but also thicker, fuller, more vibrant, and soft. Mac had absorbed the beard powers of Cranky Doodle Donkey, leaving the ass naked and disgraced, but otherwise unharmed.
The dragon looked down at the results of his spell and announced the results.
“The Stallion has won, my task is done,” he roared, “now I make my leave!” and just like that, the dragon was gone, flown away with a few mighty wing beats, leaving the entire town to ponder what had just transpired.
…
Big Mac looked around and discover that everypony was gawking at him. The work horse very suddenly felt a bit exposed… ironic, considering that it was Cranky who was now sprinting away, covering his shame as he ran from cover to cover. Mac just stood there in silence.
The Flim Flam Brothers though, they saw opportunity.
“Gentlehooves! A successful demonstration of the power of beards!”
“Please step right up and get a tin of the Flim Flam Brothers Facial Follicle Facilitating Foam!”
“Get a beard of your very own, just like Mr Apple here!”
Those two made a mint that day... selling out every single tin. they left town soon after, with big, big plans.
Again I'm sorry about the poor update speed... please comment... those are my crack...