You know, I've learned some things about myself since coming to Equestria. Most of them involved sex or violence, sometimes both, but that was beside the point. Of the few things that weren't perverse or illegal in nature, my astounding ability to operate a Baneblade without any prior knowledge on how to drive a tank, much less one from another universe, was quite surprising. Trust me, I wasn't about to complain about something that kicked this much ass on a regular basis. I still never thought I'd be using what was essentially a mobile artillery gun to put out a fire, so there was still that bridge to burn.
“You're going to kill someone.” I would have to thank Chrysalis for her support later, because I was too busy loading the Demolisher Cannon to care about her opinion. The high explosive round would deliver enough pressure to extinguish the flames, or, given the odd effects Jay's maladjusted invention displayed, might send burning shrapnel all over Canterlot and the area around the mountain. I still liked my odds.
“Everyone back the fuck up, I got this.” I loved the loudspeaker built into Leviathan's console, something about being able to shout at people from within a gigantic monster was oddly satisfying. I climbed into the Demolisher Cannon's gunner seat and adjusted the barrel to point at the inferno's center, my finger hovered over the firing button until everyone was at a safe distance of two hundred meters. I was just glad the shell came with a warning on it, though it was written in a condescending manner. With my final preparations and safety check complete, I pressed the red button.
Oddly enough, I did not hear anything, just felt a powerful vibration running through the tank's chassis. The viewscreens either filled with static or displayed nothing but black, so the explosive obviously put a lot of dirt into the air. If the heavy shaking I was feeling were any indicator, the fire was probably out, and I may have caused part of the mountain to collapse. One of the static-filled screens flickered to life, but only showed a blank slate of reddish orange.
“Did it work?” Chrysalis looked up from her lascannon controls, her mane slightly askew from the day's stress. Her green eyes locked on the glowing screen as the blank color started to shift, but something seemed a bit... off about it in my opinion. Another vibration shook Leviathan hard enough to knock the changeling over, and annoy me. “What's going on out there?”
“I think I know what was wrong with that fire.” The realization came upon me slowly, but surely. The flames contradictory in nature, hot enough to melt steel and burn soil but strangely impotent against stone. It was almost as though the inferno chose what it would destroy, almost like it had a mind of its own. I knew how preposterous that was, but there microphones that beeped to life blared pained roars that gave me all the information I needed.
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Jay had seen some shit. Apparently, applying australium to his newest flamethrower wasn't the best idea, if the massive Human Torch lookalike was anything to go by. The flaming titan roared its anger at the Baneblade, royally wrathful after its relative slumber was disturbed.
“Guardsponies, to arms!” Luna raised her hoof at the burning monstrosity, even as Leviathan fired a lascannon bolt at the elemental. Various guards readied their magic and weapons as the beast whirled an arm around like a flaming whip. Taylor piloted his tank with surprising skill as he dodged the slashing limb in time to open fire with his frontal bolter turrets. Something told Jay a Baneblade shouldn't be that agile, but he ignored that thought because of the sixty-foot tall monster he had inadvertently summoned from the fiery pits of hell. “You mind explaining what that is?”
“A fire elemental?” Jay's jaw dropped as bolts of magic fizzled from existence as they hit the living inferno's immaterial body. It was strange that arcane energy was ineffective, given the strange nature inherent in an elemental, even stranger was the odd fact that physical weapons were fairly powerful against the massive flame.
“Any ideas on how to fight it?” When did Shining Armor get there? The flautist didn't really question it, but seeing the captain was still surprising given the stallion's earlier absence. The teenager shrugged at his friend, completely stumped about how to combat the primordial creature. However, in that moment, a thought struck him from left field.
“How about a fire extinguisher?” Jay's idea was good, really good, with a solid foundation in logic and reason.
“Private Enamel threw it into the blaze.” Shining Armor looked at the element-based monster in anger, the primeval foundation of life seethed with unnatural energy every time it moved even slightly. “She's new.”
“I can tell.” A loud bang from below caught their attention. Leviathan fired its Mega Battle Cannon, but the shell was very different from it predecessors. A cloud of choking, black smoke erupted from the point of impact, right in the inferno's chest. Whatever the obscuring haze contained seemed to suppress the burning of oxygen, a quality given light as the monstrosity's flames flickered and dimmed.
“Come on, cap that bitch!” It was shocking to hear Luna yell that, but ever so awesome. The living furnace howled in pain, or whatever analog it could feel, and demonstrated an ability it hadn't shown before then. In a display of raw anger, the primordial flame lifted the massive tank from the ground, and threw it into the castle walls.
Unbeknownst to most onlookers, Princess Celestia already had a plan to defeat the unnaturally selected creature. The alabaster alicorn gave the elemental an almost predatory smile as her magic enveloped one of the castle's fallen towers. As she lifted the structure, ready to crush the discordant monster into the dust, a great one-liner popped into her head.
“Hier kommt die Sonne.”
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That was awesome! You guys should have been there, really, I have never seen anything so incredible in my life. I was coming off my adrenaline trip even as Celestia pulled Leviathan from the castle's wall, my hands were shaking out of excitement I had rarely felt. The Baneblade touched down in the courtyard, and Chrysalis and I scrambled out the tank's hatch to breathe fresh air once more.
“When I asked you to help, I didn't mean release a monster.” The alabaster princess may have disagreed with my methodology, but she knew I got results. Even though she technically killed the elemental, I was taking the credit for the smoke round that gave her the idea.
“Tia, relax, it's not like anyone got hurt.” I could have been wrong, not that I would admit it. The alicorn looked flustered at my prideful attitude, but that was just how I was after a battle.
“Loose tongues often end up in tight places, Taylor.” Okay, I get it, she doesn't like me running my mouth all the time, but Celestia should expect that of me. The princess looked at me with a hint of anger, but she was also visibly glad for the small skirmish to be over. Maybe it was the stress of the day, maybe it was my dwindling adrenaline supply, who knows, all that matters is that I started laughing. I mean the good laugh you need after shit pops off, you know the kind I'm talking about.
“Let's get indoors, the weather teams will be here to drench the place soon.” Luna was walking towards Leviathan even before she finished her sentence. The Baneblade was not amused, at least I think it wasn't, but leveling its main gun at the princess was a big hint. “Shotgun!” Apparently, Luna was certain the machine spirit found something fundamentally wrong with harming ponies.
“What am I going to do with that filly?” Celestia was a good older sister, that much was obvious to me, but there were just some things siblings could not deal with. This was why I cut all ties with my own younger brother long before the events that brought me to Equestria, too much bullshit that I wanted no part in. Despite the open-ended question, there was no followup, and everyone went their separate ways. When I climbed into Leviathan to move it out of the weather, I was slightly annoyed to see Luna sitting in my chair.
“In case you didn't know, that's the pilot's seat.” Luna only looked at me with a smile, so she was totally over me puking on her a week ago. I miss my old hat that I only had for a couple of hours before giving it to her in apology, but there was nothing I could do about it.
“I know.” I was in no mood for her shit, my slight adrenaline rush was leaving me irritable and jittery; all my classic withdrawal symptoms. The dark blue princess giggled at my reddening face, completely fine with pissing me off in my own vehicle. At least Leviathan wouldn't work for her unless I gave the okay, and probably not even then. “I just wanted to see how you drive this thing.”
“Luna, now is not the time.” Couldn't she see my chemical deficiency? I'll admit that I'm an epinephrin junkie, even though I don't like taking risks, but you just don't mess with a guy just coming off his latest fix. Doing that was almost as dangerous as fucking with me when I've been drinking. The alicorn smiled even wider, a sign that should probably just leave the tank in the rain.
“I heard you were playing Tia's version of Truth or Dare, why didn't you invite me?” Luna teleported in front of me, leaving only about eight inches between the two of us. I was about to answer her question honestly, that I had no part in deciding who was inviting to my temporary torture session, but the princess clamped a hoof over my mouth. “Oh no, don't answer.”
My flat look only provoked another giggle form the smaller alicorn, much to my rapidly rising anger. Her smile grew wider, bordering on insanity in size, and she leaned in closer to my face. Then she vanished in a flash of magic, leaving me stumped as Chrysalis climbed into the cab. I turned to the broodmother with only one question in mind.
“What the actual fuck just happened?”