The Villains Anonymous Support Group

by SpiralWriter


Testimonies

"Have we learned our lesson?"Discord asked with a light chuckle, a smug grin stretched across his mismatched features.

"They were everywhere..."King Sombra quietly whispered back, shivering violently in his seat, his pupils shrunken to pinpricks in his wide eyes.

Slowly, the other villains trickled back in, taking their previous seats for the next item of the night. Once the Hydra had somehow managed to squeeze it's large frame through the narrow doorway, Discord only had to will it, and their little hideaway was a box once more. The small filly from before cautiously approached, tapping it delicately with her hoof. She would yelp the moment she touched it, as the image of the box shimmered and distorted itself into that of a building. She ran away screaming once again.

"...What happened to him?"Chrysalis questioned, motioning at Sombra, who had taken to laying in a fetal position on the floor.

Discord only cackled in reply, holding his sides with laughter.

--8:30 pm--
Testimonies

"GGGrrruuuaaaaaGGGGGH!"

"Hi Hydra."

"WwwwwhuuuuuaaAAAAAGgggugh!"

"I feel you, we all do."Discord sympathized with the colossal beast, to which ever other patron besides a monster looked confusedly between the dialogue of the multi-headed monster and the spirit of disharmony. It seemed only Discord himself and a few other monsters of myth present could understand the guttural roars and shrieks, while those who were well learned in the tongue of the beast were left simply in the dark while the Hydra gave it's testimony.

"AAAAuuuuugwagggaaaaaaaaaah!"

"You were simply lounging around in your comfortable swamp home, when all of a sudden ponies start barging around? How rude of them!"

One of the heads nodded solemnly while another continued 'speaking'.

"YaaaaaGGGGGhhhuaaa."

"So all you did was gently try to tell them to get off your property? Blasted ponies,"Discord shook his head in disapproval."They're all so selfish!"

The beast continued on for quite a while, bemoaning it's woes with more roars and growls. Most of the company present had no idea what it was saying. Once it was done with it's own testimony, a low sound of awkward clapping followed.

"What a touching story."Discord allowed one tear to slip down his face. He wiped it away, only for it to combust into a mini mushroom cloud explosion on the floor.

"Alright everypony, who's next?"

"Iron Will would like to share his testimony!"The muscled blue minotaur stood up.

"Go ahead, Steel Bill."The draconequus shrugged, leaning back in his own chair, kicking his feet up on a throw pillow from nowhere.

"As you all know, I am Iron Will!"He flexed after shouting his name, every bicep, every inch rippling with strength."And I do self-help and motivation classes! Not evil you say? Ha, Iron Will wants to let you see how much he's ripping ponies off! All they have to do is pay a fine fee of 19.99 bits a month, and all they get in return is Iron Will yelling at them to be better! Which they cannot! Thus, it is a neverending cycle of them getting ripped off and Iron Will getting rich!"He performed several poses afterwards.

"Is there any point to this, Johnny Bravo?"Discord questioned with a bored tone.

"Several months ago, somepony by the name of Fluttershy,"A cringe on every face from the name."Outsmarted Iron Will! Iron Will cannot self motivate himself anymore!"He slumped down into his chair, deflating at the words of his defeat."Iron Will can barely get up in the morning now! Iron Will has to drag himself from his bed and his pity ice cream to come here every week!"

"...Maybe if you'd stop referring to yourself in third person, you'd feel better."The mix-matched creature deadpanned.

Iron Will only nodded slowly, but he still looked depressed as ever, his facade of masculinity and confidence now gone.

"Anypony else? No takers? Fine, then we move onto the last item for the list..."

--9:00 pm--
Keeping Your Doom Castle Clean

"The proper steps to keeping your doom castle clean, everypony, is very essential if you wish to terrorize your enemies before they even see you face to face."Nightmare Moon trotted back and forth in a pace before the assembled levels of evil.

One hand shot up, Gilda."Do you even have a doom castle?"

"I do, as a matter of fact."

"Are you referring to that heap of rubble in the Everfree Forest?"

"It still counts as a doom castle!"She snapped before resuming her calm demeanor. Before she could continue, another hand was raised, interrupting her once more.

"What if we don't have a doom castle?"It sounded like a teenage dragon.

"Then get one!"Nightmare Moon said, already exasperated.

"How?"

"I don't know you little foal, build one yourself!"

"...Is it expensive?"

"Gaaah!"

"...Maybe we should continue this next week."Discord held Nightmare Moon back, her mane violently whipping back and forth in ethereal spikes that jutted out towards the position of the dragon sitting in the second row. He scooted his chair just an inch away from her. Once she had calmed down, the spirit motioned for everyone to stand up.

"Alright, let's close out with our motto. Grab somebody else's hoof, claw, hand, or whatever."

Their voices rang together in unison.

"Here at Villains Anonymous, all evil is welcome,
Whether it be a greedy dirty deed,
Or something much more sinister.
We do not judge,
For we know what it is like to be judged.
We reject the good,
And embrace who we are,
Rotten,
Nasty,
Lecherous,
And all around Evil."

They all released their hold on one another and began to file out the door. Discord waved them off with a chuckle."Have a nice night! And don't forget to bring a buddy next week!"