Author's Note
This might just be the most offensive and profane chapter yet, although that wasn't my original intention. You have been warned... or persuaded. Whichever the case may be, "fuck" is said a lot. Enjoy.
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Ice Cube was sitting in his Ponyville apartment, eating cereal and drinking a hot cup of tea (and by tea, I mean liquor). He was almost finished with his cereal when he heard some yelling from outside. He ignored it and went back to eating his breakfast. A few seconds passed and there was the unmistakable sound of something crashing through his door. Ice Cube looked back at what did the damage. A gray head with a blonde mane was sticking out of a hole in his door.
"Hi, Ice Cube." Derpy Hooves greeted.
"Oh, heeey Derpy. What's happenin?" Ice Cube tried to hold back his frustration. Ice Cube had to remember that she was a few pups short of a litter; a few beers short of a party; a few sluts short of an orgy. You know what I mean.
"I'm great, Mr Ice Cube. Um, sorry about your door." Derpy said with a look of honest apology.
"Nah, it's fine. Who needs doors anyway?" he said.
MOTHERFUCKER! I just moved here, and I already have to get a new fucking door!?!? Fuck you! Fuck this! Fuck me! Fuck everything! FUUUUUUUUUUUUU- he yelled in his head, still managing to keep on a friendly look for the slow mare.
"Very true, Mr Ice Cube. Hey, here's your newspaper." Derpy pulled her head out of the hole and grabbed a paper out of her saddle-bag with her teeth. She stuck her head back into the shattered hole and dropped the paper at Ice Cubes feet.
Ice Cube picked up the newspaper and read the front headlines.
Princess Luna; Higher Approval Rating Than Princess Celestia?
King Sombra Gets His Ass Handed to Him.
Silver Spoon Starts Soup-Eating Business in Ponyville. Profits Expected To Double!
Humans Enter New Era of Prosperity, and Introduce Ponies to Alcohol. Millions of Passed-Out Faces Drawn On.
Daily Poll: Cutie Marks or Ass Tattoos? You Decide!
Ice Cube thought for a moment about how almost half of the headlines could be traced back to him.
"Hm. Thanks, Derps."
"No problem, Ice Cube. Oh, almost forgot. You have a letter, too." she said, pulling an envelope out of her bag and giving it to the disgruntled Human.
"Thanks again."
"No problem again, Mr Ice Cube. I have to go deliver more letters. Bye, nigga." Derpy said with a smile, flying clumsily away.
Ice Cube wondered where she heard the word 'nigga', but forgot about it when he remembered his door was now a shattered piece of shit. He just sighed and went back to his table.
Ice Cube sat down and opened the letter. It appeared to be from the the chief editor of the Ponyville newspaper.
Dear Ice Cube,
We at the Ponyville express have heard and taken an interest in your stories. We would like to ask that you come read one of these stories to us, so that we may put it in the next edition of our newspaper. There are no strings attached, so you have full creative freedom to tell your story how you see fit. As is normal, you will recieve 300 bits upon finishing the story. If you are interested, come to our headquarters at your leisure.
-Sincerely, chief editor Word Life.
Ice Cube was already a fan of this pony's name, but he wasn't too sure about the offer. Ice Cube wanted to read to the school-kids; he didn't really think about spreading it around. The money wasn't all that important to him either. He was about to throw out the letter when he remembered he needed money to replace his broken door. He thought for a moment before giving up.
"Shit." he said, putting his shoes on for the trip to Ponyville Express.
When he arrived, the chief editor was already waiting in the lobby.
"Mister Ice Cube, my name is Word Life. I see you got my letter. If you'll step this way, we can begin." the pony began leading him into the hallway. Ice Cube was still unsure, but he couldn't turn back now.
"Yeah, so you said no strings attached, right." Ice Cube asked.
"That is what I put in the the letter, is it not?" Word Life asked rhetorically. Ice Cube followed him further into the hall before they stopped in front of a double door.
"Now, Ice Cube, I wasn't sure if you'd be comfortable reading to only our writer, so I took the liberty to bring some familiar faces." at that, Word Life opened the double doors to a large room with what had to be hundreds of chairs surrounding a stage. In the front row sat the students he'd been reading to for the last couple weeks. Ice Cube cheered up a little at the sight of the children happy to see their reader. Even Diamond Tiara perked up a little; that dumb bitch.
"Would you like to begin, Ice Cube?" Word Life pointed a hoof to a chair in the middle of the stage. He assured Ice Cube that this chair was sizable for a human ass, and wouldn't break.
"Wait, but how did you know I would accept the offer?" Ice Cube asked Word Life.
"How did I know you'd accept the offer?" Word Life gave a hearty chuckle. "Because, my dear Ice Cube... they always accept." he said with a smile. Ice Cube could swear that pony's eyes glowed red for a second.
Woah! Holy shit, he's a motherfucking terminator. Ice Cube thought before moving to the stage, pushing his new revelation to the back of his mind for later.
Ice Cube sat on the chair after the class was done greeting him. Even Cheerilee gave a welcoming smile, which he found kind of suspicious, as Cheerliee probably hated his guts. The pony who was sitting at a type-writer gave the okay, and Ice Cube began.
"Jack and the Beanstalk."
Once upon a time, there was a young man who lived with his mother on a farm. They were broke as shit, and only had one cow, which gave them milk to sell at the market. They named the cow Snickers. But one day, Snickers didn't give them any milk. The mother panicked about how they wouldn't be able to make a living. Jack suggested he sell their cow at the market, and he went off to do just that.
On his way, he saw an old man, who stopped him and asked where he was going.
"Hey, Billy, where ya' goin'?" The old man asked.
"My name's Jack. And I'm going to sell Snickers here at the market."
"Oh, what a cooincidence. I'm currently trying to buy a cow."
"Daaaamn. That was easy. How much are you willing to pay?" Jack asked.
"Would you be interested in... beans?" the old man pulled five beans out of his pocket.
"Are you fucking kidding me? Beans? You couldn't buy a turd with beans."
"Ah, but these are magic beans. Four of them will create a beanstalk that reaches to the clouds over night. The fifth is guarunteed to give you a harder, longer-lasting erection for up to twelve hours."
"Shut up, and take my cow!" Jack yelled, pocketing his new beans. The two men went their seperate ways.
When Jack arrived at his Mom's house, she saw that Snickers wasn't with him.
"You actually sold the cow? For how much?" His Mom asked in excitement.
"You'll never believe it." Jack said.
"A thousand dollars?" she asked.
"Nope, five."
"Five thousand dollars?!"
"Nope. Try again."
"Five dollars?" his Mom asked, perking down a little.
"Nope. Try... five beeaaans." Jack said in a 'holla'-type voice. He threw his gains into the air, making it rain beans. The fuck-tard truly thought he got a great deal.
"Beans? Are you fucking serious? You sold our only cow for a handfull of beans?"
"But, Mom. They're magic beans. One of them is a viagra-bean, so I wouldn't eat any of them until I sort out which one it is."
Jack's mother grabbed the beans up off the floor and threw them out the window.
"Jack, go to your room before I whoop your punk ass."
"Yes Mommy." Jack said, going up to his room and falling asleep.
The next morning, Jack woke up and looked out of his window. Outside, he saw the beanstalk rising up out of the ground where his Mom threw the beans.
"Yeah! I was right, Mom. What now, bitch!" he yelled victoriously. Instead of telling his Mom they had a life-time supply of beans, he decided to climb the beanstalk like a dumbass. He climbed and climbed until he reached the top of the clouds. In front of him was a big cloud road. He followed the big cloud road until he reached a giant house. There was a giant woman sitting on the front porch.
"Yo, can I get something to eat?" he asked the giant cloud bitch.
"What do I look like, your fuckin' charity case? Beat it. Besides, my sugar daddy's an ogre, and he has the tendency to slap bitch-niggas like you. So if you don't wanna get slapped, you should turn around and keep on walkin'." she said, pointing back towards the road.
"But I'm really hungry." he insisted.
The sky bitch sighed and opened the front door. "Damn. Fine, you can come in." she led him into the kitchen and gave him some bread.
Before he was finished eating, they heard heavy footsteps coming toward the kitchen.
"Shit, it's my sugar daddy. You gotta hide." she whispered to Jack.
"But I'm not done eating." Jack complained.
"Nigga, do you wanna eat or do you wanna live? Now hurry up and get in the oven."
"What? Hell no, I'm not getting in the oven! I've seen those World War 2 documentaries."
"If you don't get in the oven, you are gonna get slapped to death. Now get your ass in this oven!"
Not wanting to get pimp-slapped to death, Jack abided and hopped inside the oven. She closed the oven door just in time, as the giant pimp/ogre walked in and put his fur coat on the table.
"What's cracka-lackin', Laqueesha? I'm gonna be upstairs, so kindly make me a mothafuckin' sandwich." the cloud-pimp looked and sounded a lot like Snoop Dogg if you looked closely.
"Yes, sugar daddy." Laqueesha obeyed.
"Wait, do you smell that?" he asked, sniffing the air. "Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell a bitch-nigga."
Jack nearly shit his pants, but Laqueesha managed to shoo the pimp away.
"Nope, no bitch-niggas here. It must be the smell of the one you slapped and ate yesterday."
Jack actually shit his pants this time. She never mentioned to him about getting eaten.
"Yeah, I guess you're right. I'm going to take a nap. Oh, and when you make my sandwich, put less orc fat on it. I'm trying to keep my figure." he said before walking into another room.
"Yes , sugar daddy." she replied, making sure he had left before opening the oven again.
"Okay, now I'd haul ass if I were you." she suggested. Jack nodded and ran towards the door, passing by the pimp's bedroom. He saw a bag of gold sitting on the floor, and Jack grabbed it and ran towards the beanstalk.
For a while, he and his mom lived off the gold for a while, but it wasn't enough to keep them going for long. Jack ended up climbing the beanstalk again and making his way to the giants' house in the sky. On the porch, Laqueesha was sitting. Jack walked up to and asked her for more food.
"More food? Have you lost your damn mind? You'll get both of us in trouble." she ridiculed. "Besides, after you left, we found out one of the bags of gold was gone. Do you know anything about that?"
"Hmm, I can't seem to remember. Maybe some bread will jog my memory." Jack said slyly.
"Alright, fine, come in. But I have my eye on you." she brought him to the kitchen and gave him another piece of bread, before hearing the same steps coming towards the kitchen.
"Shit, get in the oven again." Laqueesha ordered. Jack silently obeyed and climbed into the oven.
"Bitch, where's my sandwich?" the cloud pimp walked into the room and sat at the table.
"Coming right up."
The pimp reached into a box and pulled out a hen.
"Lay." he said. With that, the hen shit a golden egg. He repeated the demand, and the hen shit another golden egg. The lazy pimp then fell asleep on the kitchen chair.
Jack climbed out of the oven and began sneaking to the door. On the way, he passed by the pimp's chair, and by his feet was the hen. Jack decided to grab the hen and get out. But when he took hold of the hen, it squacked and woke the giant pimp up. By that time, Jack had already hauled ass out of the house, and was on his way back to the beanstalk.
The golden eggs pretty much set him and his mom up for life, but Jack pulled a Mitt Romney, and decided that wasn't enough. So he tried his luck again. He climbed the beanstalk again and headed back to the sky-house.
He knew he couldn't just ask Laqueesha for more bread, so he snuck in through a door crack and hid in a bucket. The pimp was heard entering the house when he called to Laqueesha. "Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell a bitch-nigga."
"Well, if it's the same bitch-nigga that stole your gold and your hen, he'll be in the oven." she said.
"Good. Let's roast his ass." he replied. They both rushed over to the oven and saw that no one was there. Laqueesha shrugged it off, but the giant pimp began looking around for Jack. He never looked in the bucket, and the pimp sat back in his chair and ordered Laqueesha to bring him a golden harp. She got the harp and put it on the table.
"Play." he said, and the harp began playing the beat to "Bitches Aint Shit". The cloud-pimp fell asleep quickly, and Jack made his way to the table.
He grabbed the harp and made a dash for the door. Unfortunately for Jack, the harp decided to gain sentience and it called out to the pimp "Master, Master!" The pimp woke up at hearing his harp yell and chased Jack out.
Jack ran straight for the beanstalk, with the giant pimp close behind. The pimp made a few swings with the back of his hand, but Jack got out of the way. Before long, Jack reached the beanstalk and began climbing down as fast as his desire not to be slapped let him. The giant started climbing down too. When Jack reached the bottom, he called for his mom to get an ax.
When she got the ax to Jack, he began chopping away at the stalk.
"Eat! My! Dick! Bitch!" Jack yelled with each chop. The giant pimp noticed the beanstalk get weaker with each swing. The final swing came from Jack, and the beanstalk, along with the pimp, fell to the ground. The giant pimp broke his neck and didn't get up.
Jack showed his Mom the harp, and they became as rich as a white US senator. Jack ended up banging a princess, and they lived happily ever after...
Until Snickers the cow snuck into their house at night. Snickers creeped into Jack's room and closed the door. He then walked over to the bed of a sleeping Jack and talked.
"You forgot about me, didn't you?" Snickers whispered.
"Five beans? Five beans is all I'm worth to you, ya' son of a bitch?"
Jack just snored away.
"You don't know the kinds of things that old man did. I can never see car lubrication the same way again!"
Jack continued sleeping, unaware of the knife Snickers pulled out.
"Good bye Jack." he said, plunging his knife into Jack's neck. It was only seconds before he bled out and Snickers made his escape.
The moral of this story: if you mooch off government welfare, Uncle Sam is gonna fuck you up the ass. The end.
Ice Cube looked to the pony at the type-writer. The pony stopped typing and began giving his own applause. The children were soon to follow his clapping and some were cheering for the story. Even Cheerilee was openly showing praise. The chief-editor/terminator Word Life shed a single tear of joy, before joining in the applause also.
"Bravo, Mr Ice Cube. Bravo." he cheered.
Ice Cube felt like such a pimp at that moment.
In the lobby, Word Life pulled Ice Cube to the side while the children were getting ready to go.
"A fantastic story, Ice Cube. If you'll wait here, I'll retrieve your payment." Word Life said. Ice Cube nodded before looking over to the children. They were talking and laughing about the story they'd just heard. Ice Cube brought smiles to these kids' faces; and if they were happy, he was happy... unless it's Diamond Tiara. He couldn't give two shits about that bitch.
"Nah, keep the money. I don't need it."
"Are you sure?" Word Life asked. Ice Cube glanced back at the gleeful children.
"Yeah, I'm sure." with that, Ice Cube walked out with his head held high. He continued on with his chipper mood until he got home. Then he saw the huge hole where a third of his door was supposed to be. Then he remembered why he needed money in the first place.
"Shit."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
It was almost 24 hours since he told his story at the Ponyville Express, and he was anxious to see what would be on the paper. Ice Cube decided to wait in front of his home, so Derpy would see him and not crash into his door again. Sure enough, the mailmare appeared and landed in front of him without disaster.
"You've got news, Mr Ice Cube." Derpy said happily.
"Thanks, derps." Ice Cube opened the paper and looked for his story, while the clumsy pony flew off. Amazingly, a review of the story was put on the front page. Ice Cube flipped through and saw his story take up more than a page. Below the last paragraph was a long list of reviews. Ice Cube felt like he didn't deserve the wave of praise for his profane renditions of stories he didn't even create; especially the review that stated:
The most well-written and influential politically-charged story since George Horsewell's "Nineteen-Neighty-Four" and "Human Farm". Jack and the Beanstalk will take you on an epic journey with Jack, a down-on-his-luck bitch nigga who steals giants' stuff when they aren't looking. A true masterpiece of fiction.
Don't get him wrong, he did like the spotlight, but this was a little much. Nobody ever called "Fuck the Police" a masterpiece of song writing, although it does kick ass. The next review he read made Ice Cube just know Cheerilee was out there somewhere planning to kill him. It read:
That shit was the shit, nigga.
~Sweetie Belle, Ponyville Elementary.
"Ruh-roh."