WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BEANBAG CHAIRS IN THE COMMON ROOM?
Last night, when I went to bed, they were comfortable accommodations for large-framed individuals. This morning, they are enormous balls of cotton candy. I had to spend an extra fifty minutes this morning cleaning my coat.
Leaving food in the open was specifically discussed in our first house meeting a thousand years ago. It will lure insects and rodents. Clean this mess up, whoever did it.
BIG SIS
We didn't touch your precious chairs!
LITTLE SIS
I did that. You're welcome.
DISCY
Just how many cats do you own now? I appreciate that you are an animal lover, but they seem to be everywhere, and it is starting to smell as if they aren't entirely housebroken.
Please, look after your pets' sanitary needs better.
BIG SIS and LITTLE SIS
When we had our first house meeting, it was agreed that we could keep pets. I have never complained about your gerbil. My many, many stray cats should receive the same respect.
DISCY
I understand you are from a foreign country. You have grown up in customs that I would consider strange and unfamiliar. Maybe, in your distant homeland, it is considered a great honor to have a cat vomit in your bathtub. Maybe, there the constant sound of clicking, banging and mewling at all hours of the day are considered to be a soothing music. Maybe, it is even considered a compliment to have your slippers shredded and spread across half the house.
In Equestria, we consider being the recipient of these actions disgusting and undesirable. Please, take better care of your animals.
BIG SIS
PS: Have you ever read about Taxonoma parasites? We’ll find a cure, please help yourself in the interim. Get rid of the freaking cats.
XOXO,
LITTLE SIS
I’m teaching my cats to tap dance. I dunno why you’d have a problem with that.
Sometimes all the dancing makes their tummies hurt.
DISCY
This house smells like URINE! All of it.
LUNA
All of what? Without specification, I was left to guess. Based on phonetic pronunciation, I have determined you were requesting an “Olive Garden.”
No need to thank me for the family restaurant now located where your bedroom used to be. My cats will be serving as the wait staff in between tap dancing lessons.
DISCY
The family restaurant has been ejected from the house. It should have been obvious that my sister meant all of this house smells like all of the urine that has ever been peed by all of the cats in the entire world.
This is your last chance to correct your disruptive behaviors. If you will not contribute to the harmony of this household, then you will be evicted from it.
Clean up after your cats.
Sincerely,
BIG SIS
I have never complained about your pet gerbil, I don't understand why my cats should be the constant subject of your hounding. Further, I resent your rash actions with regard to the Olive Garden. Do you have any idea how difficult it was to get the franchising rights to build that restaurant in my house? It wasn't, because I forged the paperwork, and then didn't submit it.
Tap dancing is a very demanding activity. My cats require frequent hydration if they are to continue training at the rigorous pace I have set.
DISCY
My gerbil is named "Twilight Sparkle." Did you notice that? How the animal has a name? How it is specifically taken care of? You have made no such efforts with your cats and we are all paying the price. I am ready to call animal control, the police, the health board, the fire department, the army, and the Equestrian national guard.
Fix yourself.
Sincerely,
CELESTIA
Each of my cats does have a name. Since you've never bothered to learn them, here is a list, Meowlezebub, Meowphisto, Meowchiavelli, Mr. Meowslby ...
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Discord continues for three post-it notes to provide a long list of names. Every single one of them including the word "meow."]
... and, of course, Meowmeowmeow von Meow.
I adore my pets and do not wish to hamper their freedoms with such things as "toilet training" or "neutering." Those are oppressive behaviors that violate their natural instincts.
I would be sorry that the smell bothers you, but I don’t really feel like extending that kind of effort. Instead, enjoy the complimentary nose plugs.
DISCY
Those are not nose plugs, they are ear plugs. And they appear to have been used.
LUNA
They do not "appear to have been used". They were used. I had to test them, didn't I?
But do not fear. They were only in my nose, so you're good to go with them.
DISCY
This is your last chance, either your cats go, or you and your cats go. Also you can take the cotton candy beanbag furniture with you.
Sincerely,
PRINCESS LUNA and PRINCESS CELESTIA
You think you can just evict me? Well, little missies, you’ve got another thing coming. I’m coming back, you here? I’ll be-
Shoot, the cops? You really called the cops over cat pee?
Sincerely,
DISCORD
He detached me to finish writing this note. He'll be back. You haven't heard the last of Discord or his left claw. This house will be filled with cat pee, tap dancing animals and cotton candy furniture. No one will sleep, no one will rest, and no one will spend all afternoon watching public access television when there are, literally, a hundred other things more interesting to watch.
Sincerely,
LEFTY