Fastest Fall in Equestria
Party With Pinkie Pie
Rainbow Dash: I felt my expression go completely flat. It took me a moment to realize what Mike meant by "gay". Once I did, I was torn between laughing at the idea of someone just spontaneously "turning gay" and getting really mad at Mike for making fun of his friend like that. It was Dave's reaction that clinched it. He spluttered for a moment, caught completely off guard, then called Mike a rude name and started laughing.
Mike can be kind of a jerk sometimes, but in an okay way. Actually, he reminded me a lot of myself in that way. His crack about ponies turning people gay was so absolutely bonkers that I couldn't help but laugh. Of course, the hug had helped put me in a better mood to begin with.
"Hey," I said to the disembodied voice of Mike in my body. "Where are you?"
"Well," he said, "that depends on what you mean. In one sense, I am in your body, which is currently sitting in Twilight Sparkle's basement in Ponyville, Equestria. In another... Well, I'm not sure if this'll work, but look behind you and kind of to the left."
I did as instructed. "Okay," I said after a moment. "Still not seeing you."
"Well," he said, "what do you see?"
"The TV, which is off, and the coffee table and couch and... Wait a minute," I said, having just noticed something. "Do me a favor and wave, would you?"
"Wave?"
"Yeah, just stick your hoof up in the air and wave it back and forth. It's so easy a foal can do it!"
I heard him grumble in annoyance, which, as far as I was concerned, paid him back for the "gay" crack. "I know what waving is," he said. "Humans do it too, it's just that pony legs shouldn't... well how 'bout that?"
I grinned, as I noticed a little picture of, well, me waving from one corner of Dave's computer screen. "Dave, come check this out," I said. "Mike's in your computer. Ooh! Maybe Equestria is some kind of simulation, like one of your video games?"
"Yeah, well, I don't feel like Kevin Flynn, so let's just scratch that one off the list of theories, okay?" Mike grinned from the picture of Twilight's basement. "So you can see me on Dave's laptop?"
"Yeah, in a window that says... Skippy?"
Mike laughed at my faux pas. "You mean Skype?"
"Yeah, that's the one."
"Hey, Twilight! You can check off Interdemensional Video Chat from your list of things to do in the name of Science!"
"I... I don't have that one, Mike," came the voice of everyone's favorite egghead from somewhere off camera.
"Oh come ON, Twilight," I said. "Are you seriously telling me you don't have a list like that?"
"No, I mean that 'Interdimensional Video Chat' isn't on the list! Oh gosh, what do I do now?"
"Well," said Mike, "first you add it to the list..."
"...and then," I finished, "you check it off!"
We grinned at each other and, simultaneously said, "It's so simple a foal could do it!"
"Ha ha," Twilight said, trotting into view. "Oh, wow, Mike, is that really what you look like?"
Mike nodded. "Yes Ma'am," he said. "That is one Grade-A, prime example of Homo Sapiens Sapiens in the prime of his life!"
"Grade-A?" She scoffed. "More like Grade-Z. Are you supposed to have those bags under your eyes? And why are they so red?"
I chuckled nervously. I didn't want to tell her I'd been crying. Fortunately, Dave came to my rescue.
"I was chopping onions!" he said. "For stir fry!"
"Yeah," I said, "that was totally it." I grinned. "Nah, Mike's in pretty good shape. Not as good shape as me, but he's one of you egghead types, and we all know you don't get out enough."
To my surprise, it was Mike, and not Twilight, who got offended. "Hey, I get out plenty!"
"Really," I said. "Aside from going to class?"
"I have sushi every Thursday," he said. "So there."
"That's it, I'm putting you on an exercise regimen. And when we switch back, I expect you to stick to it! I thought I was having trouble breathing because of all the car exhaust in the air, but now I know it's because you're a big bag of fluff who can't even climb a flight of stairs without wheezing."
"I can too!"
"Mike," I said, "I am currently residing in your body. Don't lie to me. Applejack wouldn't like it."
He sighed. "Okay, fine. Just so long as it leaves me time for other stuff. Like studying. And socializing."
"Hay," I said, "don't sweat it! If anypony knows the importance of hanging out with friends, the Mane Six do!"
"The what now?" Twilight frowned. "Who are the Mane Six?"
"Us, silly! You, me, AJ, Rare, Pinkie, and Flutters!"
"Why... why would you call us that?"
"Because -- get this -- we are the main characters of a cartoon all about Equestria! It all starts with the day you came to Ponyville, and right now, they're up to the Grand Galloping Gala."
"Oh, wow," said Twilight. "Not... exactly our finest hour."
"You're telling me. There's a ton of pictures of Fluttershy's big entrance to the ballroom. The bronies have a theory called Cutie Mark Critical Failure Syndrome or something that kind of explains it."
Twilight frowned. "Oh, that wasn't CMCFS," she said after a moment. "That was a picnic compared to real CMCFS."
"Wait," I said after a moment. "There really is such a thing? Why haven't I heard of it?"
"Well," said Twilight, "you remember how everypony reacted when Apple Bloom got the Cutie Pox?"
"Oooh," I said. "I was off in Cloudsdale that day, but I heard about it, yeah."
"Imagine that only all across Equestria."
"Done and done. Cutie Mark Critical Failure Syndrome classified Top Secret due to hysterical pony panic, got it!" I mimed zipping my lips, which is way easier when you have fingers, trust me on this one.
"So what are the symptoms of real Failure Syndrome?" Dave piped in.
"Well, it starts off the same as when Discord did... whatever he--" Twilight trailed off when she noticed Dave sticking his fingers in his ears and going "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA" at the top of his lungs. "What is up with him?"
"Spoilers," I said, jerking a thumb over my shoulder at him. "Dave here doesn't want to know what happened after the Gala until it shows up on their television show."
"Ooookay," she said. "So, putting it another way, ponies start acting grossly out of character, and the color drains from their coat. That's stage one. Then in stage two, black patches start appearing on and around their Cutie Mark. And once it's all covered up..." She hung her head. "That's it. A Cutie Mark is a representation of a pony's soul, and when whatever causes CMCFS blots that out, it either blots out their soul or cuts it off from their body. The pony falls into a coma and so far no magic has been found that can revive, or even contact, them."
"That... that's terrible," said Mike. "And they don't know what causes it?"
"Whatever it is," said Twilight, "it's completely unlike anything else in Equestria. Victims don't seem to have anything in common either. One day they're perfectly normal, and the next, the opposite. And then..." She shuddered, and so did I.
"Okay," I said. "Change of subject before this conversation goes Cupcakes on us."
"Cupcakes?" Everypony's favorite party pony piped up from somewhere. "I love cupcakes! Hi, Dashie!" She popped up between Mike and Twilight in that inimitable Pinkie Pie way and waved at me.
"Hiya, Pinkie! Boy, is it good to see you!"
"It's good to see you too, Dashie! Even if you do look really weird right now!" Ah, Pinkie Pie, ever the shining example of tact. Of course, I'm not exactly one to talk about tact, which is probably why I'm not the bearer of the Element of Honesty. At least Applejack knows when to keep her yap shut.
"Hey!" Mike glared off to his right. "I do not look weird!"
"Well, you sure don't look like a pony!"
"Because I'm not a pony!"
"And that's really weird, because you sure look like a pony to me, New Rainbow Dash!"
Mike blinked. "I... but... what?"
"Anyway," Pinkie said, "I just came down here to check up on you because somepony made a Pinkie Pie Promise that he was going to come out and party after he was done helping Twilight!"
"Mike," Dave said, frowning. "Are you telling me that you're missing out on a Pinkie Pie Party?"
"Well, uh," Mike said, "this seemed more important?"
"Get your flank out there and party!" I snapped at him. "Wait. Twilight, how are you connected to us?"
"Well, first I used a basic scrying spell, but I had to layer that with some interdimensional stuff I found in one of Star Swirl the Bearded's journals, and then I had to tie that in with Mike's personal memories of his homeworld, coupled with the dimensional resonance his soul--"
"Woah! Ease up on the egghead talk, Twilight, you're giving me a headache!" I grinned to try to soften the blow of the "e" word. "I mean, I'm not a smart pony like you. What I mean to say is... can the spell be moved?"
"It's a scrying crystal," she replied. Then, when I failed to look enlightened by this, she sighed and rolled her eyes. "So, yes. Yes it can."
"Awesome! Bring on the Pinkie Party!"
"You want me to bring the scrying crystal outside? Where just anypony could--"
"Yes! I want to share the joy of a Jumbo Sized, Entire Town in Total Chaos, Princess Has To Send The Guard to Break It Up Pinkie Party with the Internet!"
"With the what now?"
"Internet," I said. "We're gonna rock this town across two dimensions! Pinkie! Tell me you kept Vinyl Scratch's contact info!"
Pinkie grinned. "She's all done setting up and just waiting for the guest of honor to come out so we can kick this party into gear!"
"Rock on! Let's pony up this motherbucker!"
Twilight gasped. "Rainbow Dash! Language!"
Mike, on the other hoof, fell over laughing. "Motherbucker!" he gasped out between guffaws.
"In the meantime," I said, "Dave, you're the resident egghead on this side of the dimensional rift. How the heck are we gonna get other bronies in on this video whatchamacallit?"
"I... I don't know," he said after a moment. "I don't have any bronies on Skype."
I glared at him. "What."