Celestia looked upwards to her attacker. Braden had jumped from the throne hill(?) and had his boots aimed for her face. Celestia darted to the side just before Braden landed on her. She spread her wings and took flight back to the center of the room. She hovered in the middle of the room just a few feet below the ceiling and assessed her situation. All of her guards had been beaten to a pulp and now it was just her against three SPARTANs.
"Get down here Celestia!" Braden challenged.
"You, and your other spartans, not only have the audacity to harm and kidnap my subjects, but also the nerve to launch an assault on my castle?!" Celestia yelled. Not quite ROYAL CAPS LOCK yet, but close. "For this, I shall see to it that you are banished to the SUN!"
"You and your ponies have no one to blame but yourselves!" Braden retorted. "Every misfortune that has transpired thus far has been because of you and your kin. We tried to communicate with you, we tried leaving you alone, we even tried a perfectly fair prisoner exchange! And yet you ponies continued doing everything in your power to make everything worse. And guess what?"
Celestia narrowed her eyes and scowled. "What?"
"We are sick of your bullshit. But I am willing to give you one final choice now and only now. Either you release the rest of my team from your prison and leave us be, or we will break them out by force."
Celestia cocked an eyebrow. "Why are you telling me this?"
"Two reasons. If you accept, we have the word of this kingdom's ruler to go about our business. And if you refuse, well, on high risk missions, the highest priority target is always to be eliminated first."
"N- NO! I'M IN CHARGE HERE! I AM THE ALMIGHTY HOLIER THAN THOU RULER OF EQUESTRIA! I CONTROL THE SUN! I WILL NOT BE ORDERED AROUND BY SOME VILE MONSTER SUCH AS YOU! YOU ARE JUST ANOTHER VILLAIN TO BE ZAPPED BY THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY! JUST ANOTHER THREAT TO MY PERFECT UTOPIA! I"M RIGHT! I'M ALWAYS RIGHT! RBLARBLARBLARBLARBLA!"
Celestia fired a solar beam down upon the SPARTANs. Braden, Richard, and Ashley quickly jumped out of the way before they got disintegrated. She fired again. They dodged the blast again.
"Let's not bring our guns, ya said. We only needed to rustle 'em up a bit ya said. It'll be fun ya said!" Richard sarcastically exclaimed.
"What the hell was I thinking?" Braden thought. "Bah, can't deal with that now. Gotta take that nag out."
Braden frantically looked around for something to use against Celestia as she fired another beam. A piece of chest armor that had been knocked off a guard caught his eye. He rolled for it. Just as Celestia fired a beam specifically aimed at him, Braden grabbed the piece of golden armor and held it above him like a shield. The beam ricocheted off the piece of armor and shot straight back at Celestia. Celestia ducked out of the way, but not before the beam hit her outstretched wings, setting them ablaze.
Celestia screamed, dropped to the floor, and started rolling around. "Stop drop and roll! Stop drop and roll!"
The flames went out. Celestia gave a relieved sigh, but was reminded of her situation when three pairs of boots stepped into her field of vision.
"Go ahead. Try to fly away this time." Braden sarcastically said.
Celestia turned her head to look at her wings. They were barren of any feathers and slightly smoking. She scowled and stood to face the SPARTANs. "I don't need to fly to defeat you."
"Is that why you did so in the first place?"
The combatants looked ready to charge when the throne room doors suddenly burst open, revealing the Mane Six.
"PRINCESS CELESTIA!" They all cried out as one.
"Go my little ponies! You have to use the Elements of Harmony to stop the spartans! Go, now!" Celestia ordered.
The Mane Six hesitated for a moment, but bravely nodded in acknowledgement and ran off to that one room where the Elements are kept.
"Dick, Ash!" Braden barked. "Stop them! I'll hold Celestia off."
"Yes sir!" The two SPARTANs replied, and ran off after the ponies.
And then there were two.
"You'll never prevail Colonel!" Celestia announced. "The Elements of Harmony will stop-"
Celestia's speech of holy righteousness was cut short when Braden tackled her.
**********
"Oh how I missed you my babies." James whispered as he cradled his shotgun and rocket launcher.
Rose checked the ammo in her Assault Rifle and Magnum. Kenny did the same for his own AR and SMG.
"Alright, here's the plan." Kenny said. "We make a break for it, we don't stop for nothing, and we don't kill anything."
"After all the crap we've been through?" James asked as he cocked his shotgun. "Hell no. I'm gonna get myself some kills."
"Then you're gonna need this to do that, eh?" Kenny responded as he pulled James' shotgun out from behind his back.
James froze and stared. He looked to his now empty hands. Then back at Kenny. Hands. Kenny. Hands. Kenny. "But how did- I what- what is this I don't even... I'm a higher rank than you."
"And you're not thinking straight."
Kenny tossed the gun back to James, who caught it. "No killing."
James glared at him.
Kenny took off his helmet. "Look in my eyes James. What do you see?"
James walked up to Kenny until they were inches away from each other. "Before I give you a black eye, I'll humor you. I see... I see... holy crap... eh... uh, yeah, okay. Heh heh. No killing. Got it."
James cautiously backed away from Kenny, who put his helmet back on.
"We've been here long enough." Rose said, who was getting impatient. "C'mon, the door's this way."
**********
"Get back here you little shits!" Richard yelled to Twilight and the others as he and Ashley chased them through the palace.
"Ah told you they were evil!" Applejack yelled as she galloped next to Twilight.
"I thought you said that was water under the bridge?!" Twilight exclaimed.
"It was under it! But now it's over it!"
**********
Celestia kicked Braden in the face, who responded by grabbing her leg, lifting her over his head, and slamming her on the ground. He pressed his foot against her back and was about to curb stop her face when the throne room doors once again burst open revealing...
A pink alicorn.
"Sup." She said with a pissed off expression on her face.
Braden and Celestia both paused to look at this new combatant.
"And you are?" Braden asked with honest curiosity.
"I am Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. But you can just call me Cadence if you want, douchebag."
"Um, have I wronged you at some point ma'am?"
"Do you recall ever meeting somepony named Shining Armor?"
"Yeah?"
"We got married four months ago."
"...Ah."
"Yes, ah. Which will be the last thing you scream as I BEAT THE LIVING BUCK OUT OF YOU!"
Cadence then tackled Braden off of Celestia, pinned him to the ground, and began punching him in a ferocious manner.
"NOPONY HOSPITALIZES MY HUSBAND! NOPONY! NOPO-"
Braden calmly reached up and pressed the sleepy nerve in her neck.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."
Braden gently pushed the sleeping alicorn off him. He then picked her up, walked out the throne room, and set her down so that she would stay out of the way. He walked back into the throne room and found Celestia standing there, waiting.
"Shall we resume?" She inquired.
"Yes." He replied.
**********
"Hold up, does nobody find this suspicious?" Rose said.
"What do you mean?" James asked.
"Okay, so we escaped the dungeon, turned eight corners, gone through three doors, and all without encountering any guards."
"Maybe they're preoccupied with something else." Kenny said.
"No way. They're setting a trap." Rose pointed to the door just ahead of them. "You see that door?"
The two other SPARTANs nodded.
"I'm willing to bet all of my years of training from Hell that a small army of guards are on the other side of that specific door right there just waiting for us."
The SPARTANs opened the door.
"STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!" The small army of guards yelled at the same time.
James raised his rocket launcher and aimed it at the guards. "Bring it!"
Kenny shot him a sharp glare.
James gave a quiet grumble and put his rocket launcher back on his back.
The guards snarled and pawed at the floor with their hooves. Some of the unicorn guards were levitating swords and spears.
"I'll take the hundred on the right." Rose said.
"I'll take the hundred down the middle." Kenny said.
"And I'll take the hundred on the left. But I won't go easy on them Kenny!" James said.
"Fair enough." Kenny replied.
The guards all gave a thunderous battle cry and charged the SPARTANs. The three super soldiers silently ran forward with clenched fists, each of them already planning an ass- kicking mile- long rampage. Oh god this is going to be so epic! Stop chewing your popcorn so loudly! Oh shit this is it! The guards at the front of the army leaped forward into the air, the SPARTANs did the same, and-
*TV static*
"God bucking DAMMIT!" Discord yelled as he angrily chucked his bucket of popcorn at the floor.
Okay, who has the universal remote?
"It wasn't me..." Fluttershy timidly said.
"Or me!" Pinkie exclaimed.
Luna entered the room levitating a can of cola. "Hey guys, did I miss anything? Um, why is Rick Astley on the television?"
Someone bumped the remote.
"Ah."
"I bet Derpy sat on it." Discord meanly sneered.
Shut it dog or I'll make you work overtime tonight with your best friend: the ten foot stack of boring- ass paperwork. Again.
"Found it!" Lyra triumphantly called out as she pulled the universal remote from between the couch cushions.
Gimme dat.
I took the universal remote out from Lyra's hooves and sat back down in my chair throne. My cape was ruffled and my armor felt a little funny so I shifted around a bit until I was comfortable again.
The door reopened.
I thought I told you kids you weren't old enough to watch this movie.
From behind the barely open door, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo each gave an audible "Awwwww..."
Time Turner trotted up to the door and shut it back in place, and locked it.
I clicked on the 7 button, and we were returned to our regularly scheduled fan fiction.
*TV static*
Kenny, James, and Rose stood triumphantly on a hill of unconscious guards. James had a slight limp in his right leg and Rose's visor had a small crack. Given that she was wearing an EVA helmet, it was pretty noticeable.
"Isn't it great how eight chapters ago we all got our asses handed to us by three guards and yet right when the story needs it we're able to take down a small army in a glorious ass- kicking spree that could make even the most stoic of people orgasm at our awesomeness?" Kenny casually said with his newly found lampshade hanging skills.
**********
Rainbow Dash was ahead of the others. "Hey guys! I think the Elements are this way!" She called out from around a corner.
The others soon caught up and ran to the door in their way. Twilight and Rarity quickly grabbed the handles with their magic, swung open the doors...
And came face to face with Kenny, James, and Rose.
"Well... this was unexpected." Kenny said.
"Turn back! Everypony turn back!" Twilight yelled.
Just as the Mane Six turned around, Richard and Ashley rounded the corner.
"Dick! Ash!" James yelled. "You're alive!"
"Surprised?" Richard said.
"Well kind of but- GAH!"
Applejack had bucked James' injured leg. The Mane Six used this brief distraction to run past Kenny and Rose.
"Why didn't you stop then?!" Richard demanded.
"You mean aside from watching James suffer a little?" Kenny responded. "I dunno. Were we supposed to?"
"We have orders from Braden to stop them from reaching the Elements of Harmony or some shit."
"Then lets get to it. Hey, where's James?"
The four SPARTANs looked around for a moment, then they noticed James limping towards the direction the Mane Six had gone.
He was mumbling something.
"I'm gonna gut that bitch... I'm gonna gut her good..."
**********
"How did they escape?!" Rarity huffed as they continued to gallop.
"It's that Kenny guy!" Pinkie exclaimed. "He must have somehow gotten fourth wall powers!"
"What in the hay are ya talking about?!" Applejack yelled.
"That's how I knew something was wrong in Canterlot, I sensed a presence similar to my own! It's like having a seventh sense!"
"As if six were normal to begin with." Applejack deadpanned.
"We're here!" Twilight declared.
Indeed, the Mane Six had arrived at that room that holds the Elements of Harmony. They opened the doors and ran in, passing the murals that depicted the events of the first two seasons.
"Stop right there!" They heard Richard yell just as they were two- thirds of the way across the room.
They turned around and saw Richard, Ashley, James, and Rose standing at the doorway. The ponies began slowly backing away when Fluttershy gave an "EEP!"
They turned around again to discover that Fluttershy had bumped into Kenny while she was backing up, who had somehow managed to sneak around them, and was cowering in fear before him.
The dramatic tension in the air was immediately and violently murdered when somepony screamed out "THERE YOU ARE HUMAN!"
A deep sense of dread filled Richard. "No. Oh god please no tell me it isn't... her."
Richard (plus James, Ashley, and Rose) turned around.
There, at the far opposite end of the hall, was Lyra.
"Did you honestly think you could escape me, HUMAN?! You know I never did get your name." Lyra said. Then she burst into a full- on gallop towards them.
"EVERYONE INSIDE!" Richard yelled. The four SPARTANs quickly stepped into the room. "CLOSE AND BARRICADE THAT DOOR!"
"Holy crap Dick. Do you and that unicorn have a history or something?" Rose asked, oblivious to the current danger they were all in.
He ignored her, and shut the door. He then grabbed an ornamental spear from the side wall and stuck it between the handles. Two seconds after he did so Lyra collided with the door from the other side, producing a loud *BANG*.
"YOU CAN'T HIDE FOREVER!"
Lyra proceeded to hit the door, but seemed to be making no progress.
Richard gave a relieved sigh. "Okay, now, to deal with you six..." He turned around, and his jaw dropped.
The six ponies who they had been chasing were giving their full attention to Kenny, who was kneeling down on one knee in front of them. They were having a conversation.
"Kenny! Just what do you think you're doing?!"
Kenny looked up to him. "While you were distracted, I calmly explained our situation to these six mares."
"Yeah don't worry we're all cool now." Pinkie Pie said. "I'd do the same in your place."
Richard and the others stared. "...So in just thirty seconds you managed to convince these ponies to cease hostilities?"
"Yep."
"Dammit." James said. "I was really hoping for the chance to tear out the orange one's intestines."
Applejack blankly stared at James, then took a cautious step backwards.
"That's enough." Richard said to James. "Well, I suppose if we are allies now, we should introduce ourselves. I am-"
VRUM- VRUM- VVVVVVVVVVVVRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
"Is that a... chainsaw I hear?" Rose said.
Richard turned and looked to the door. "Oh, you have got to be shitting me."
The whirring blades of a fully revved chainsaw sliced through the great doors and cut a hole into it. The blades were removed and the cut out part was bucked from its foundation.
Lyra poked her face into the hole.
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrre's LYRA!"
**********
Luna, Princess of the Night, was sleeping like a boss.
She was in her bedroom, on her cushy bed and pillows and blankets and other things that I can't but help feel diminish my masculinity when I write about them.
She was dreaming.
"Mmmmmmmmm..." She moaned.
*RUMBLE*
"Mmmmmm... no, Pinkie..."
*RUMBLE*
"Please... don't turn me into a cupcake..."
*RUMBLE*
Luna woke up. "AH!" She frantically looked around. "Oh, phew, it was only a nightmare! But alas, poor Rainbow Dash..."
*RUMBLE*
"What the? That sounded like it came from the throne room."
**********
Prince Blueblood arrogantly snorted like the pompous douchebag he was as he strutted down the halls of the palace.
"I am so awesome." He said to himself.
He was so busy admiring his better- than- you- ness that he failed to notice five SPARTANs, the Mane Six, and a now pacified Lyra stampeding towards him.
"I'm so good. I'm so goooooooooood. I'M SO BUCKING GOOD- HURACKBLARGBLEH."
Blueblood had been violently trampled by the party of twelve.
Blueblood was a crumpled heap on the floor. All four of his legs had been twisted, he was missing a few teeth, and he had a black eye. He let out a whine of pain when he heard a *clip clop* coming towards his way. He painfully twisted his head to see Luna approaching him.
She stopped just a few inches from him.
Blueblood looked up at her with pleading eyes. "A- Aunt Luna... help me..." He pathetically said.
Luna looked down at her nephew for a few moments. Then she shifted her eyes from side to side, making sure that there were no witnesses. With a calm, expressionless face, she raised a hoof.
"L-Luna?"
*SMACK*
**********
The group continued running down the hall, hoping to break up the fight between Braden and Celestia before it was too late.
"Wait up!" A voice cried out.
They all turned their heads to see Luna catching up with them.
"Twilight Sparkle." Luna said. "Before I ask what is going on, I have to ask: are you, your friends, and these creatures responsible for trampling that... unfortunate stallion back there?"
"Oh you mean Blueblood?" Kenny said before Twilight could reply. "Yeah, that was us."
"And you harbor no regrets for inflicting great physical harm upon him?"
"None at all."
"Oh well then in that case I trust you completely."
**********
Braden judo chopped Celestia right in her face. She recoiled and leaped back, trying to buy time to realign her eyes.
As soon as she did she saw Braden jump at her. Using her magic she grabbed his head and began repeatedly slamming his face against the floor. After about the fifteenth time he found the will to resist her magic and strained against her latest attempt to smash his face down. They both gave long groans of frustration but Braden eventually won out when Celestia's hold on him shattered.
"Why won't you just accept defeat?!" Celestia cried out panting.
Braden stood up. He was a little wobbly and dazed. In fact if one didn't know better they would have thought the SPARTAN was drunk.
"Because... I are guy... who gun teach you lesson..."
Celestia cocked an eyebrow. "Are you high?"
Finally Braden shook his head and straightened up. "Enough of this nonsense!"
The two were about to go at it again when the throne room doors burst open. Again. For the fourth time today.
"Sister, stop!" Luna cried out. "This is all just a big misunderstanding!"
Twilight nodded. "Yeah Princess! We were wrong about the spartans!"
Celestia stared at them with visible shock. She slowly turned her head back to Braden, who was silently waiting.
She whispered something.
"Didn't catch that." Braden said.
"...You mind raped my ponies..."
"WHAT?! No they/ we didn't!" Everypony/ body yelled out.
"Well then if that's how it's gonna be, then I'm going to mind rape YOU!"
Celestia tackled Braden and pinned him to the floor. "Let's see what makes a spartan's mind tick." She said.
Celestia then put the tip of her horn to Braden's forehead, and entered his mind.
Celestia would later consider this the worst mistake she ever made in her entire life.