Canterlot Train Station, 6:30 P.M
After an uneventful train ride that consisted of Matt sticking his head out the window for nearly four hours straight, the candy-colored locomotive finally pulled into the station. Matt put his head back into the train and looked at the others. Twilight was dressed in a frilled lavender gown on, a crown with a starburst on it sitting on her head. Applejack wore a simple dark-green dress with maroon edges and an apple near the flank. Her trademark Stetson was now a deep red with a bow encircling it. Pinkie had a patchwork dress on, the patches either having candy on them or being some shade of pink, or both. Rainbow Dash wore a sky blue gown with lightning motifs, the edges made to look like clouds. Fluttershy had a tie dye dress on, a peace symbol near the flank like Applejack. Finally, Rarity was dressed in an immaculately white opera cape with an enormous purple collar. All of them, save Twilight, wore golden necklaces with their cutie marks as the pendants.
"You guys ready?" Matt asked.
"As we'll ever be." replied Twilight. The eight walked to the front of the train, bracing for the worst.
Pat stood next to Rarity and asked, "Man, how'd you get all these fancy clothes ready?"
"I didn't," the white mare replied. "Those dresses were all things that they already had or I already made." The ginger nodded his head in understanding. Outside, they heard all manner of chit-chat in the station, undoubtedly from paparazzi. Suddenly, that chatter was interrupted by two commanding voices.
The first one, a man, gruffly demanded, "Move, civilians! Out of the way! Royal Guard coming through!"
The second guardspony, a woman, chimed, "Hey, easy buddy! No flash photography!" Of the two, she sounded younger and less experienced. The six ponies and two humans looked supremely confused. Matt reached for the door handle, only to have it be yanked away from him as the door swung open to reveal two white pegasi dressed in gold armor.
The male was the first to speak. "Sergeant Spearhead reporting for duty, sirs!" He quickly saluted.
Next was the female. "Corporal Guardian Angel, ready for action!" She saluted as well. Matt and Pat stared at each other in mixed parts awe and bemusement. Matt decided to try something.
"Um... at ease?" he experimentally said. Their forelegs dropped synchronously like stones. Spearhead then put his hoof out. The two humans shook it.
"Pleasure to meet you two." he greeted. Spearhead then went to the other ponies and started shaking hooves with them. Matt and Pat moved on to Guardian Angel. They put their hands out and she vigorously shook them.
"Can I just say," she praised, "that it is an honor, a duty, and a privilege to be protecting you?"
"The pleasure's all ours, I guess." Pat said. The guardspony then let go and went to the Mane Six.
"With all due respect," Applejack said, "why in the heck are you two here?"
"Yeah!" Rainbow said. "We can protect Matt and Pat if things get dicey out there!"
"Nopony ever died being too careful, did they?" Spearhead replied. "Plus, me and Angel have been aching for some action ever since the Changeling coup."
"The what?" Matt asked.
Guardian Angel said incredulously, "What, you've never heard of-" She stopped herself. "Oh, right. You're not from here. Well, the Changelings are a race of creatures that can change into the form of any pony they can see. Their main source of food is love."
"How does that work?" Matt inquired.
"Well, the Changelings feed off of pure, raw emotion, and love is the purest, rawest form of emotion there is."
"What happened during the coup?" Guardian Angel relayed the story of the failed Changeling invasion that happened only a few months ago. Matt whistled in amazement.
"Well, we're not gonna get to the event telling stories now, are we?" Spearhead said. The guards then led them to the door. They took a deep breath and opened the door. The ten of them were swamped in a hurricane of flashes, questions, and camera clicks. It was like that for the whole way there.
---
Canterlot Castle Entrance, 7:00 P.M
After nearly thirty minutes of continuous media harassment, the group finally made it to the front gates of the castle. Canterlot Castle was a beautiful mix of gold, white, and purple spires and towers that loomed over them. Matt and Pat stared up in astonished wonder and grinned. They walked up to the entrance when the pegasi guarding it sharply stuck out their wings. They all groaned.
"Halt!" one demanded. "State your name, rank, and business for arriving to Canterlot Castle!"
"That won't be necessary, gentlemen," a soothing voice said. "They're here by invitation." They looked over to see an eight-foot tall alabaster alicorn step towards the gates. To her right, her shorter, midnight blue sister.
"The princesses!" they cried. All of the ponies bowed down. Matt and Pat looked around and kneeled in respect.
"Thou may rise," Luna said. They all stood up. "We understand that thou are the beings whom fell from the sky, are thou not?" The two humans nodded.
"Alright, then," Celestia said, comparatively lax to her sister. "My name is Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria and raiser of the sun."
"And our name is Princess Luna," she introduced, "co-ruler of Equestria and raiser of the moon."
"Why is that Luna lady using 'we' instead of 'I' and speaking in ye olde English?" Matt whispered to Pat.
"She hasn't been here for a long fucking time," Pat replied.
"Also, how the fuck does raising the sun and the moon work?"
"It's a mystery."
"Whom art thou?" Luna asked.
"Oh, I'm Matt," the skull-capped man said, "and this is Pat." He gestured to the redhead.
"Well, if you'll follow us, we'll lead you to the party, if it can be called that," Celestia said. "Ladies, gentlemen." They sidestepped to let the ponies through.
The two sisters then made the happy little accident of turning around.
Time slowed to a crawl as the two best friends bore witness to those things of beauty. The incredible spheres rocked from side to side as the princesses walked, showcasing themselves before a mesmerized audience. Matt and Pat wondered they had seen anything that spectacular in their lives before, deciding they hadn't. They weren't fake, they weren't haggard, they weren't too large, they weren't too small. If anything, they were absolutely perfect. It seemed as if God himself sculpted those wonderful globes. If he did, he was one hell of a craftsman. Maybe their time spent in Equestria wouldn't be all bad.
"Dat asssssssssssss...." they moaned.
"Ahem," one of the guardsponies said, "The party, gentlemen."
They shook their heads like dogs. "Wha-huh?" they said simultaneously. "Oh, right. The party." They then followed the princesses, focusing on their behinds all the way there.
---
Canterlot Castle Main Hall, 7:10 P.M
The main hall of the castle was stuffy in more ways than one. A crowd of about two-hundred or so ponies, most of them well-dressed, uptight dicks with either English or Tidewater accents, save a few nice guys, covered the hall. Soft classical music played throughout the room. Most of them were talking about the introduction of the creatures taking place. A few had some conversations that would make Mitt Romney blush. The doors at the end of the hall then swung open, and the crowd gasped. They'd arrived.
Matt and Pat had become familiar with scrutiny since they arrived, but nothing as snobbish as this. Some put their hooves to their mouths. Others held their mouths agape, as if they'd never seen anything so hideous. Some even went to say that they wouldn't share the same country as them, let alone the same room, and turned their heads away. The few nice guys in the hall complimented their clothes. Matt turned around to the Mane Six.
"Why don't they like us?" he whispered. All of them shrugged. He turned to Celestia, who just frowned sympathetically. They walked to the end, where a number of seats and a podium sat. They all took their seats while Celestia went to the podium.
"Citizens of Canterlot, by now you've certainly heard of the two beings that fell through the skies over Ponyville. Well, I'm glad to report that they mean us no harm." The crowd sighed, relieved. "As many of you know, they are also here to introduce themselves officially to Equestria. Please don't be rude or make comments, or I'll send you to the moon myself." The crowd nervously chuckled. Luna frowned at the rather tasteless joke. "And now, Matt and Pat." Celestia stepped away from the podium and returned to her seat. Matt and Pat rose awkwardly. They walked to the podium, crossing paths with the princess along the way.
"You never told us we had to make a goddamn speech," Matt whispered to the sun goddess.
"I never said you didn't, either," she replied, smirking. The two humans grimaced, for they hated whenever someone, sun goddess or not, played that card. They then stepped up to the podium, where two hundred stares met their gaze.
"Um... hey, guys," Pat said, "I'm Pat, and this is Matt. We're, uh, two human entertainers, I guess. We don't mean to cause you any sort of harm. Um... I guess that's all I have to say." He anxiously laughed. "I never really planned for this, to be honest. So, um, any questions?" A few hooves rose in the air. Pat pointed to a light purple stallion in a top hat.
"Where are you from?" he asked.
"We're from a place called Earth," Pat answered. "It's a nice place, I guess. A few idiots running around preaching their beliefs, but what are you gonna do?" The crowd seemed to like that.
Matt selected a yellow unicorn in a polo. "You, ma'am."
"Are there more like you?" she asked.
"Seven billion more." The audience gasped. "Don't worry," Matt added, "as far as we know, there's no way that they can get to this place." He then picked a gray earth pony in the crowd.
"Are there ponies where you come from?"
"Well, yeah," Pat answered. "But they don't speak. And I don't mean that they don't speak, I mean that it is physically impossible for them to speak." There were a few rifts of conversation as the audience mulled this over. The ginger then picked a white pegasus. "Last question."
"How will you get back home?"
There was a pause as Matt and Pat considered this. "I don't know," Pat finally answered. "That's anyone's guess." The two humans sulked back to their seats as the crowd worriedly discussed this. Celestia awkwardly smiled as she went to the podium again.
"Well, that certainly was something, wasn't it?" she said.
A half-hour had passed before the party had went back to it's original atmosphere. The two best friends were still dejectedly seated in their chairs. Luna walked up to them.
"What is the matter with thou?" she asked. "Art thou not enjoying the festivities?"
"It's like ten thousand James Smalls converged in one location," Pat lamented.
"And we remembered we don't know how the fuck we're gonna get out of this joint," Matt said. Luna winced at his choice of language.
"Come now, dear Matt and Pat, tonight is not the night to focus on negativity." The moon goddess scooped them in her forearms. "Let us eat, drink, and be merry!"
"I guess we'll take you up on the drinking part," Matt said.
"Huzzah!" Luna cried. "The fun has been tripled!" She raced to the bar, where a yellow unicorn mare with neon blue mane stood at the ready. "My companions and ourselves would like-"
"Hey, bartender!" Pat interrupted. "Give me some of that disgusting booze! The most disgusting you can give me!" The bartender nodded and ducked her head behind the bar. Matt wondered how long she had to wait to earn her cutie mark. She reappeared with a bottle of "Applejack Daniels, No. 6" in her mouth. Matt swiped it from her.
Should I really be doing this? Matt thought. Should I really be getting shitfaced with my best friend and a physical deity? He thought long and hard about it while staring at the bottle.
"Fuck it!" Matt shouted to no one in particular. Matt tore off the top of the bottle and began chugging the thing down, to the chagrin of everyone that could see him, save Pat and Luna.
"WOOOOOOOO!" Pat yelled. He turned to the bartender. "Give me two more bottles of that. Royal orders."
---
Canterlot Castle Main Hall, 9:30 P.M
Two hours and about seven bottles of whiskey later, a hammered Matt and Pat were caressing a drunk Luna on the filthy floor of the hall. Everyone else had left the party in disgust, shock, or both. They wondered why Princess Luna, of all ponies, would join those two humans in a bender comparable to that of a college party before leaving them to their inebriated shenanigans.
"Hey, *hic* hey, Luna," Pat said, "I know a really *hic* fuckin' awesome sea shanty that we can *hic* sing.
What do we do with a drunken whaler
What do we do with a *hic* drunken mailer
What do we do with the Moves Like Jagger
Early in the morning?"
Matt and Luna laughed and began reciting Pat's butchered version of "The Drunken Whaler" when the doors at the end of the hall swung open to reveal a very angry Celestia.
"LUNA!" the sun goddess cried. "What are you doing?"
"Oh, greetings, dear sister!" Luna replied. "Come, join the fun!"
"What fun? You're lying on the floor, drunk as a skunk with two beings from another world at your side!"
"Oh, come now, *hic* dear sister! There is much more drinking to be had!"
Celestia facehoofed, a habit she passed down to Twilight. "I think it's time for you three to go to bed." She hoisted Matt and Pat on her back while dragging Luna with her magic out the door. The raiser of the moon clawed at the floor to no avail. Celestia schlepped the three to the Royal Bedrooms, making quite a scene as she did.
"With all due respect, your majesty," one Royal Guard asked, "why are you carrying the two creatures and Princess Luna?"
"It's better if you don't know," she replied. The guardspony rubbed his head in confusion. When they finally got to the bedrooms, it was about 10 o'clock and Celestia was dead tired. She tossed the humans off her back and let Luna drop.
"Alright, then. Matt, you sleep in Luna's room," she commanded. "Pat will be with me." Matt and Luna stood up and looked at each other with goo-goo eyes. Matt tackled Luna into her room, and much giggling, kissing, and moaning could be heard. Pat looked at Celestia in the same way. Her eyes shrank to the size of pinpricks.
"Oh, no," the sun goddess denied, "nonononononono! There's no way that I'm letting you sleep with me!"
Of course, her mind reasoned, you haven't slept with someone in ages. I can't remember the last time you did.
Shut up, brain, the other side of her mind countered.
Oh, come on! Please?
No.
Pretty please?
The physical appearance of the please makes no difference.
PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Alright, fine! If it'll get you to shut up, then fine!
"Ah, screw it," Celestia finally said, her mental war now over. "Pat, get ready for some cosmic lovin' right now." She brought Pat into her room.
Screams rang throughout the castle.
---
Canterlot Castle Royal Bedrooms, The Next Day, 8:30 A.M
Pat's eyesight swam as his head felt like it was torn in two. The pain screamed in his skull as he looked up, only to recoil from the sunlight. He turned away to see his clothes on the floor in a messy heap. It kinda reminded him of the time he was confused for Alex Clare. What the hell did he do last night?
On the nightstand next to him was a pair of sunglasses. He slipped them on, and heard a soothing voice in his ear.
"I know you have a hangover, so I'll talk quietly," the voice whispered, "I'll admit, you were pretty good last night. Not the best I've ever had, but still good." Pat froze as a flash flood of memories entered his mind. Matt chugging a whole bottle of whiskey at the party. Luna and himself doing the same thing. The three of them burning through seven whole bottles. The sea shanty. Celestia dragging them to their bedrooms.
"Oh, fuck," he said.
Meanwhile, Matt had just woken up and was feeling similar effects, only this time he had someone to share it with. Luna woke up, stared at him, and blushed furiously.
"Whatever did we do last night?" she wondered.
"Each other," he replied, suddenly remembering the events of last night. Luna's cheeks turned a firey crimson. He slipped into his underwear and walked into the hallway, only to see Pat in his boxers leaning on the wall, as if he was waiting for him.
"Did you..." the redhead began.
"Yeah," Matt replied. "You?" Pat nodded.
They looked around to see if anyone was there, then fistbumped.