//------------------------------//
// Blood & Cake 
// Story: Killing Time 
// by JohnnyNorthrain 
//------------------------------//

	The body was fresh and the blood had yet to congeal. So much was wrong with this scene I couldn’t even choose a place to begin. The cake half eaten and half wedged into the knife wound was quickly falling apart having absorbed too much blood. The frosting smeared across the grass as if there had been a struggle. My eyes narrowed and I wiped away the frosting from the cutie mark on this once alive pony. An hourglass with sand counting away the seconds as time moved ever onward into the future. I picked apart a small piece of cake that had no blood and pocketed the evidence then stood and my assistant handed me my fedora. Slowly shaking my head I turned from the corpse and motioned for the unicorn to follow. She stood on two legs and walked with me away from the police ponies.  
“Second death in a week.” I said with biting my lip. 
“Ponyville hasn’t had a murder in… I don’t know when.” Lyra shrugged her shoulders.
“I’m going to go visit Miss Pie.” 
“You think she did it?” 
“No, but she knows Cakes… that know cake.” I started walking. “Heartstrings, I’m counting on you.”
I don’t know if she saluted or just dropped back to four hooves. I did not know much and that bothered me most of all. Here I was a crack detective from the Chicago beat. So far removed from anything I knew or anyone. First friend I’d picked up since coming to this Equestrian land was a unicorn with a lyre on her flank. She’d called me majestic and shed a tear when my appearance vindicated something that she knew deep within her very soul. The rest of them treated me as a curiosity. Quickly I had assumed my previous role as private investigator. And with a murder on my hands there was no time to lose. Little did I know it at the time but this was the beginning of my end. 
It was nearly dusk by the time I’d made my way to Sugar Cube Corner. The shop downstairs was closing for the night but I did not want to talk to the owners yet. I went around the back and ascended the stairs knocking on the apartment on the third floor. Silence was the only greeting I received. I tried my luck at knocking once more yet there was no reply.  Sighing to myself I retreated down the stairs and entered the front of the bakery. The cakes were closing up their display cases and boxing the unsold goods for the day. 
“Oh Johnny, we’re closed for the night.” Mrs. Cake smiled as she put cupcakes into a box.
“I’m here to ask a question.” I reached into my pocket and withdrew the crumbled cake piece. 
While she looked at it her expression changed from puzzlement to confusion. I continued to hold it in my palm for a minute longer waiting for something to register across her face. The two of us remained silent in that moment until her husband broke the stillness by coming in from the kitchen. He spared a quick glance between the two of us before coughing slightly. 
“Hello Johnny.” He said before picking up a box with his teeth.
“Mr. Cake.” I replied. “I found this and I was hoping that the two of you could tell me if you sold any cake like this recently.” 
Mr. Cake took a couple steps forward and sniffed at the crumbs in my hand. I could feel the hot breath from his nostrils as he inhaled and exhaled taking in the scent from the crumbs. He licked his nose and nodded towards his wife. He knew what it was and she was still staring at me. Was she in shock or had I just caught her at an odd time? It was not until a soft voice called out for their mother that she blinked and excused herself to go take care of the twins. 
“Yes now I remember. We sold a cake to Derpy much like this one nearly two days ago. Yellow vanilla cream with mint orange frosting.”
“I thought she liked muffins.” I put the crumbs back in my pocket and brushed my palm clean. 
“Muffins are like catnip to her. She’s in every couple days buying more. But she also wanted the cake for a special occasion. If I remember right she said it was some pony’s birthday.” 
“Any idea who?” 
“Can’t say that I know who. We get weekly birthday requests. Lot of ponies in Ponyville that have small celebrations.” 
“Thank you Mr. Cake. I think I’ll go find Derpy.” 
“Wait Mr. Northrain. Before you go I have a box of muffins for her. They are day old but she loves them all the same. Let me bag them up.” 
I wasn’t a damned delivery service but I took the package all the same. I had to admit even being day old they still smelled delicious. It’d been awhile since I ate but I put the slight rumblings of hunger out of my mind. It was time to find Derpy. Ditzy Do. Bubbles. Iron butt. She went by many names but everyone knew her. Most ponies tried to avoid her clumsiness. Some saw it as a curse and avoided her at all cost. I saw it as cute. On our first meeting shortly after my arrival she ended up tripping me with her wings. I sailed ass over tea kettle down a hill before she slowed me down by using herself as a cushion. That would have worked beautifully except that I was going too fast and bounced off her into a bramble patch. Scratched up and bruised we both laughed at the misfortune.  
She had a place outside of town that she shared with a live in. I’d never met him but I had seen the two of them together in Ponyville. The walk did not take long but the sun was starting to set and the sky shifted from blue to hazy orange. Off in the distance I could see a cottage with a chicken coop. Fluttershy’s place full of harmony and woodland creatures. She was a regular Snow White and every time I went there I expected seven little dwarves to show up with pick axes in tow. She even sang to the animals and they sang back. Fluttershy and I… well that’s another story altogether. 
When I approached the house it was in a state of shambles. Part of the roofing was missing and there were thin tendrils of black smoke rising through the holes. I grabbed for my gun and felt nothing inside my coat. The holster was there but the piece had been missing ever since I’d fallen down the rabbit hole and ended up here. Forgetting the lost gun for the moment I set down the box and rushed towards the house pushing open the front door with enough force to splinter the frame. I stumbled into the smoky interior only to see a very confused looking Derpy and her friend staring at me. My first impression of the scene was utter hilarity. An oven door was broken and smoke was pouring from the appliance. The roof had been destroyed by flying pieces of iron door and Derpy was trying to put out the fire by throwing paper on it. Her friend was valiantly trying to stop her from making the fire larger. I took a step back outside and picked up the box of muffins. With a whistle I opened the box and I saw that all of her attention was completely diverted from the oven fire to what was in my hands. 
“Muffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiins!” Was the cry that ushered forth as she rushed forward in a blur of blonde mane and grey wings. The impact sent me to my ass faster than a round of fisticuffs. She threw her front legs around my neck and gave me a kiss on the cheek then she started eating one of the muffins that had tumbled from the box. I stood brushing the dust off my coat and pants then looked towards her friend who had joined us. Brown hair and coat with an hourglass cutie mark on his flank. 
“Terribly sorry about her manners.” He spoke and I was surprised to hear a British accent. 
“That mark.” I took a step towards him and he backed up. “I knew I had seen it before on you. Two other ponies are dead and both have the mark.” 
“Oh what this? Well it’s… common… It’s a common cutie mark. Two others dead you say? Stallion and Mare?”
“Yes. One with blue coat and white mane and the other white coat and red mane. Unicorn and Earth pony.” 
He looked to the side for a moment in thought and Derpy raised her head from the box of muffins, crumbs falling off her lips. She nudged his neck with the tip of her nose and he nodded. Something silent had passed between them. There was a recognition of whom the dead ponies were and the both kept quiet for a few moments longer. She returned to her feast and he with a sigh turned his backside to me and started heading into the house again. “There’s something I need to show you.” He said and disappeared inside. 
I followed hearing the sound of crunching muffins behind me and reentering the smoke filled house. The friend was standing in front of a blue box and he turned around to face me. There was something in his eye that made me feel uneasy. An expression I couldn’t quite translate into words even if I had a decade to do it. Something deep and universal. Mysterious yet comforting with a hint of pity. I shifted my gaze to the oven and before I spoke he answered my unsaid question. 
“She tried to bake a big muffin and it exploded. I’m not entirely sure what she used but I think it was some kind of explosive powder that she got from the delightfully rhyming Zecora. Now before I show you this I need to tell you who I am. I’m like you. Well that is to say I have two hearts and a number of other features Humans don’t have nor ponies for that matter but at the heart or hearts rather of the matter I am… mostly… I was in appearance as you are.” 
“I… what?” I stammered. 
“What I am saying is that I am Human in appearance but for now I’m a pony.” He stated so simply. 
“How does that even work?”
“I awoke here with my Tardis and I was a Pony. Strange that I don’t have the clothes I usually wear or the sneakers. I love a good pair of red sneakers but here I am or rather there I was without clothing and have you noticed that this entire place is a nudist colony unless they want to dress up for some occasion then they slap on a gown that leaves nothing to the imagination and prance about.” 
“Nudist colony.” I said trying to keep up with the strange little pony.
“Exactly. That’s such a strange thing to see here. Well on… in either case. I am the Doctor and this is the Tardis.”
“Sorry,” I said shaking my head. “I’m still trying to wrap my head around nudist colony. You said you are Human?”
“As Human as I can be but not right now because I am a pony which is most peculiar. I’m the Doctor, this is my Tardis and welcome.” 
I was going to ask another question but he opened the door to the box and I thought I saw an optical illusion beyond. I put my head into the door and immediately stepped back. I looked around the exterior of the box. I’d been to London once a decade after the war and these were on corners. Typical police box. Yet this was just about as typical as seeing an Italian sharing a plate of spaghetti and meatballs with an Irish dock worker. The interior was larger than the house I had just… I was just… I was standing in. 
With a grin he pushed me inside using his head and I stumbled down the ramp towards a central control area with typewriters and a large blown glass ornament inside of an even larger glass tube. The entire interior was bronzed or painted bronze or golden yellow or any number of shades of color that fit a thousand names but aren’t exactly any of the shade of yellow that you’d be able to put a label to. He trotted past me to the control panel and pressed his hoof against some button . 
“It’s… bigger…” I stammered again. 
“On the inside yes. Time And Relative Dimension In Space, Tardis. Now about those ponies you said had died. They were named the Corsair and the Monk. Friends of mine as it were. The cutie mark we share is pretty common on Gallopfrey.”
“Someone is murdering ponies with time stamps.” I scratched the stubble on my chin and shrugged my shoulders. How was it possible that there was an entire room within this small box? I was not a scientist and the most I had was basic understanding of high school physics. It was all pretty much beyond me and so I tried not to let it trouble my mind yet there was the nagging tickling sensation against the base of my neck that I should know the answer. 
Tipping the brim of my fedora I leaned against the railing and watched the Doctor rummage through a chest under the control panel. He picked up various items with his teeth mumbling about how this was not it and that was not even supposed to be in this time line. After a couple minutes he pulled out a small green disc and tossed it to me. Reaching out my hand I barely caught it after a miserable attempt as it danced about my palms in an attempt to free itself from my clutches. Fingers tightening I held it to my chest then pulled it away examining the disc. One side of it was jade green and iridescent like the wings of a beetle. The other side was yellow green with a very slight streak of red through it. I looked up from the disc with puzzlement on my face. 
The Doctor pushed a lever and pulled a rope then shouted towards the entrance. “Derpy!” She came zooming in with the half eaten box of day old muffins and slammed her butt down on the floor with enough force for me to feel it through the soles of my scuffed leather shoes. He smiled and pushed a button then narrowed his eyes slightly. There was something entirely unsettling about that look. I tightened my hold on the disc for fear that I’d suddenly lose my grip on it. 
“I’m going to show you something that happened before you arrived. Something vital that I believe is part of the puzzle. She’s a queen you know. Queen of an Empire that consists entirely of changelings. Absolutely blows the mind… well… if you can’t comprehend it.” The blown glass ornament inside the tube started moving up and down with a groaning that sounded like someone trying to push an old Volkswagen uphill during a hurricane. With a flick of his tail we were off into lands unknown.