//------------------------------// // Little Red Riding Ho' // Story: Ice Cube Tells Stories to the Ponyville School-Children // by Inspectah Dash //------------------------------// Ice Cube approached the school-house door, anticipating the next story he would read to the kids inside. Before knocking, he could clearly hear arguing and commotion coming from the inside of the school-house. After a week in Ponyville, Ice Cube had gotten fond of the children and their addiction to arguing. Today, it could have been one of many things, including, but not limited to; family status, who started the argument first, whoever smelt it delt it, what kind of bird they thought Scootaloo would be, and these so called "blank flanks". Opening the door a crack, Ice Cube peeked in at the argument. It seemed to be about blank flanks. "Hey Apple Bloom, how's your cutie mark doing? Oh wait, I forgot; you don't have one." Diamond Tiara teased. Her voice irked Ice Cube to his core and her very presence made him wish he had a weapon of some sort. "Yeah. Show us your special talent, blank flank." Silver Spoon mocked. When Ice Cube thought about it, it seemed like Silver Spoon was Tiara's bitch. If it were true, Diamond Tiara would have been the meanest pimp in the world. "Haven't we been over this?" Apple Bloom asked, rolling her eyes at the over-used insult. She acted like she didn't care, but Ice Cube could see it was bothering her. His conscious was telling him he should break up the fight, but his gangsta side was telling him to wait a little bit to see where this was going. His gangsta side won this round. Cheerilee will break up the argument. Ice Cube thought. "Maybe if you three spent more time being useful than you did crusading, you wouldn't be blank flanks." Diamond Tiara mocked with an evil smile. Okay, Cheerilee, now would be a good time to stop this. "Useful? You're lecturing us about being useless? Everything you have, your Dad gave to you." Scootaloo shot back. Nice. Take her down a peg, Scoots. "At least I have a Dad." Tiara said cruelly. WOAH! That... that's just fucked up. Cheerilee, break it up! he yelled in his mind. "That's not funny." Sweetie Belle got in Tiara's face. "How would you feel if you didn't have a Dad?" Scootaloo didn't look sad or angry, but she looked very annoyed. Tiara smirked at the notion. "But I do. And my parents don't neglect me like your sister neglects you for dresses." That's it. "HEY! What the hell's going on?" Ice Cube slammed the door open. The class fell silent on hearing his booming voice. "And where's Cheerilee?" The class stayed eerily quiet for a few seconds before Apple Bloom spoke up. "M-Miss Cheerilee is at the post office. She left just a couple minutes ago." "Okay, and why are you arguing?" "They keep calling us blank flanks, and Diamond Tiara made fun of Scootaloo because her Dad's gone." Sweetie Belle answered. "For the last time, I have a Dad. He's on a Manehattan business trip." Scootaloo spoke up. "Okay, first of all; yo Diamond Bitch." Ice Cube stared daggers at Diamond Tiara. She looked up from her pouting slump to see Ice Cube stick his middle finger high and proud. "You probably don't know what this means, but I can tell you; it aint fuckin' good." he turned back to the class. "Now what the hell is a blank flank?" "You know those cutie marks you see on ponies' flanks? They symbolize a pony's special talent." Scootaloo answered. Ice Cube had wondered what the marks were that he saw on ponies, but refrained from asking them what they were. On Earth, it wasn't a great idea to go around asking people what kind of tattoo they had on their ass. He assumed ponies were no different. "Okay, and?" "Ponies that haven't found their special talent are called blank flanks, because they don't have their cutie marks." Scootaloo continued. "And you three haven't found your talents yet?" Ice Cube asked. The three fillies promptly shook their heads. Ice Cube looked back to Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. "Really? That's the big insult? That's the reason you're making fun of them? Because of an ass tattoo?" The two guilty ponies had never heard of cutie marks being referred to as "ass tattoos", nor had the rest of the class. It did kind of roll off the tongue, though. "Well, yeah. I mean, a pony not having a cutie mark is just... weird." Silver Spoon muttered. "And? Your's is a spoon. A SPOON! What's your talent? Eating soup? Spooning?" "What is spooning?" Silver asked. "When you're older, kid." Silver Spoon gave Ice Cube a quizzical look, wondering if eating soup really was her special talent. Well, I am pretty good at it. she thought. "And you..." Ice Cube said menacingly, pointing an accusing finger at Diamond Tiara. "A tiara for an ass tattoo? Could you be any more of a pompous prick? You just- you..." Ice Cube stopped. He couldn't think of words to describe his contempt for this miniature shit-face named Diamond Tiara; so instead he thought of a story. "You know what? How about I read you kids a little story." Ice Cube said calmly, an erie grin on his face, never breaking eye contact with Diamond Tiara. Normally, the kids would rejoice at an Ice Cube story, but they knew now would be the time to be quiet and let him do his thang. "Little Red Riding Ho'." In a small village, kinda like Ponyville, there lived a ho' named Diamond Tiara. "Hey!" Tiara protested. "My story, my rules. Now sit your ass down." The reason she was called Little Red Riding Ho' was because of the red hood she wore to her bitch cult meetings. It was a cult of the bitches, by the bitches, for the bitches; and Diamond Tiara was the bitch head-master. Well, Little Red Riding Ho's mom told her to go out into the woods and give her Grandmother some alzheimers pills... or was it a cake? Hell if I know. So Diamond Tiara left town to get the pill cake to her Grandma. Along the way, she met a wolf. He called himself Raekwondo. Now, Raekwondo was not only a wolf intent on eating up ho's like Fruit Loops, he was also a convicted pedophile. Raekwondo saw Little Red and put on his best non-pedophile face. "Where are you going, Little Red?" the wolf asked. Diamond Tiara, being the stupid bitch she was, didn't ask him who he was, or why he wanted to know, or how he knew her name, or how a fucking wolf could talk. Instead, she gave him the address without a second thought. Raekwondo nodded in satisfaction. "Thanks. You know what would be fun? If we raced to your Grandma's house to see who's faster." Diamond Tiara ignored the fact that this was a stupid idea, and agreed. The wolf ran off into the wilderness, leaving the dumb bitch Diamond Tiara behind. In mere minutes, the wolf reached the Grandma's house, but decided that he wouldn't molest her. Raekwondo was a strong believer of the old idiom "6 and over, bend em' over". He also went by a similar quote, "40 and under, tear their ass asunder". However, Little Red's granny had to be at least 54, so Raekwondo the wolf thought of a plan. He knocked on the door and cleared his throat, trying to put on the best impersonation of Diamond Tiara. "Granny, it's me; Little Red Riding Ho'. I've come to kill- I mean, give you some drugs for your alzheimers." "Red?" the granny said. "Okay, come in, dearie. I have a thick brick of medicinal marijuana on the table. Help yourself to some." Raekwondo listened from outside the door with more interest. "W-what kind is it?" "Jamaican Sunrise... or was it Dutch Dope? Hell if I know, but it's good shit." she said. Raekwon had lost the will to kill Granny, and decided to just walk in. "Hey, you're not my Grand-daughter." she mumbled, a hash pipe secured between her lips. "Yeah, I kinda lied." he said shamefully before speaking up again. "You said you had weed?" Granny gave Raekwondo a warm grin before tossing him a plastic bong, and pointing towards the table where there sat a huge block of grass. "Help yourself." Almost an hour went by and Raekwondo and Granny were having a blast getting baked together. They discussed Bob Marley, legalization, and their favorite Dave Chapelle skit. "I'M RICK JAMES, BITCH!" Granny did her impersonation of Chapelle's impersonation of Rick James. Raekwondo gave a hearty laughter. "Y'know, wolf; you're a hell of a lot more fun to chill with than my Grand-daughter. She doesn't smoke with me and all she wants to talk about is gossip and her underground bitch cult." As if by clockwork, there was a knock at the door, followed by Little Red's voice. Granny sighed. "Well, there she is. I guess you'd better get going before she goes on about how her cult has finally reached four members." Raekwondo would have laughed at this, but he was busy panicking. He completely forgot about Diamond Tiara. Having no better ideas, he grabbed a lamp and hit Granny in the head. He made sure Granny was unconscious before dragging her into the closet. Raekwondo grabbed some of her clothes and put them on, jumping on the bed and getting under the covers. "I am so fucked." he said. "Granny, are you in there? I have your medication." Red called from outside the door. "Okay, come in." The super-bitch Diamond Tiara walked in and noticed something was wrong. "Grandma, why is there a broken lamp on the floor? You weren't in another violent orgy, were you?" 'What the fuck.' he thought. "Why, no. Of course not dearie." She sniffed the air for a moment. "Granny, is that weed?" "Hells yeah." Raekwondo impersonated Granny and cowered beneath the sheets. It didn't matter, because Diamond Tiara noticed the difference between a wolf and an old-ass lady. "Grandmother, what big arms you have!" Little Red pointed out. "All the better to play shuffleboard with." Raekwondo replied. "Grandmother, what big legs you have!" "All the better to run from the cops with." "Grandmother, what big ears you have!" "Uh, it's a side-effect of the alzheimers." "Grandmother, what big eyes you have!" "What, so a nigga can't have big eyes now? What are you, the fucking eye police? Get off my dick, ho'!" "Grandmother, what big teeth you have!" "Fuck it." he said, standing up straight and yelling, "GET IN MY BELLY!" The mega-bitch screamed, thinking it was all over. But then, three black men jumped throught the window and bitch-slapped Raekwondo into unconsciousness. It was Dr Dre, MC Ren, and Eazy-E! "Oh, thank you. I thought she was gonna eat m-" Diamond Tiara was cut off by a relentless flurry of curb stomps and bitch-slaps, as the three beat on her bitchy, spoiled, self-centered ass. All Diamond Tiara could see throughout the beating were boots, the backs of hands, and Dre occasionally grabbing his nuts. After they were done with their merciless beatdown, the three men started smoking Granny's hash and wrote "dumb bitch" all over Tiara's KO'd body. And that is the story of how the super-sayan-tier bitch, Diamond Tiara came to be. The end. "That was the stupidest story I've ever heard." Diamond Tiara noted, earning boos and scowlss from most of her classmates. She was not phased. "What was the moral of the story, anyway? Did it even have a moral?" "Yeah, the moral is that you're a bitch." Ice Cube reminded her. "Best moral I've seen in a while." Scootaloo whispered to Apple Bloom. A few seconds later, the doorknob to the schoolhouse turned, and in walked their beloved teacher. "Hi, Miss Cheerilee." the class greeted in unison. "Hello students. Sorry I'm late. I was-" Cheerilee stopped when she saw Ice Cube standing in front of the class. "Oh, hello, Ice Cube. Is it reading day already?" she asked nervously. "It's alright, Cheerilee. I already told my story. So I guess I'll be on my way." the gangsta rapper walked out of the door quickly, only briefly saying good-bye to the children. He clearly didn't want to see Cheerilee when she found out what the story was about. "Hmm, interesting. Well, class, are you ready to begin on long division?" Cheerilee asked. Some of them gave a response, but most of them were chattering amongst themselves. All of them seemed happy except for one Diamond Tiara. "Hey, children. Just out of curiosity, what was Mr Ice Cube's story about?" The children looked at each other nervously, looking like the answer would get them in trouble. Uh-oh. she thought. "Okay, I'll ask again. Can anypony tell me what story Mr Ice Cube read you today?" Apple Bloom slowly raised her hoof, looking around the room for anypony else doing the same. "Yes, Apple Bloom." "Do ya' promise that Ah won't get in trouble?" the filly asked. "I promise, Apple Bloom. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." Apple Bloom let out a deep inhale and exhale before answering. "The story was about how Diamond Tiara is an unfeeling, gold-digging, pedophile-trusting, bitch whore." Cheerilee just stared at a nervous Apple Bloom, and then directed her gaze to a frustrated Tiara; then to Apple Bloom; then to Tiara. Without saying a word, Cheerilee turned back to the chalk board and picked up a piece of chalk. You got it right this time, Ice Cube. Pedophile-trusting was a little much, but well done.