Author's notes:
Hello everynyan~! I'm back, with another rewritten chapter!
We're coming closer to new content! ...Maybe you'll even get something brand new to read before Christmas, who knows? :p
Also, I know I promised some Okamakes (little additional stories, mostly canon but which didn't fit in the actual chapters and don't really follow any chronological order), but aside from my first (rather lame, I concede) attempt in the first chapter (and the trivia in the prologue, which was...even lamer), you'll have to wait some more to get them. Don't worry, I have some planned (3, actually, and others will probably appears in the meantime), but they'd be rather spoilerific if I posted them now.^^'
By the way, if you have suggestions for the Okamakes, or anything to say about the story,don't forget to comment...Actually, even if you don't have anything to say (or if you just want to complain for something, that's fine too), post a comment about it. It's always nice to see people actually read this silly thing!
...Alright, I'm just an attention whore. But I could really use a little ego boost currently :p
Anyway, enjoy this (somewhat) new chapter!~ RaptorJesus
---
Derpy Doo finally reached the house she shared with Doctor Whooves and Golden Harvest. Carrot Top - the surname Golden Harvest went with, because of her carrot-selling business and her bright orange mane - was an old friend of Derpy, and they had added the Doctor to their group a few years ago. Together, they could afford to rent an old house with enough room for the three of them and Dinky, Derpy's daughter.
Carrot Top would probably be working now, selling her family’s carrots on the market.
It didn’t matter too much, as she mostly wanted to talk with the Doctor. The overly-stressed, time-obsessed pony was quite knowledgeable when it came to weird stuff (Well, not Pinkie Pie-weird, but weirder-than-usual-weird.), although it probably came with the fact he was rather strange himself. It didn't change the fact that as a doctor he could help with the current situation, and being one of the few ponies who trusted her and her opinions didn't hurt either.
Most ponies in town knew her only as Ponyville's bubbly, clumsy mailmare. While it was true she was clumsy, it was mostly her eyes' fault (her tendency to break everything she laid her hooves on didn't help...). For some reason, her eyes seemed to hate each other with a passion, never fixing on the same point. Why? How? She had no idea.
Although it may be related to that one time she accidentally carved her face on an anvil. From beneath the anvil.
It’s a huge pain to see straight, but it has an advantage! I have the largest field of vision known to ponykind! She giggled.
It was true it came in handy at times – today, for example. Who else would have seen Twilight Sparkle, Ponyville's new librarian and shenanigan magnet, get into Fluttershy’s cottage with a bloodied creature while taking a break on a cloud above?
She opened the door, and was greeted by her little Muffin (Derpy has a tendency to call ponies by a treat name) reading with her best friend. Ever since Nightmare Night, Dinky and Pipsqueak were inseparable, always playing together or with the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Looking closely at the books they were holding (at the same time, actually) she could see pictures of Princess Luna on both covers. Pip wasn’t kidding when he said she was her favorite Princess…
“Hey there! How are my favorite Muffin and Cookie doing?”
The foals turned at once, startled by the voice behind them. When they saw Derpy standing there, both beamed.
“Mommy!” Dinky was already hugging and nuzzling her. Until she met Pip, her mother was her best friend – and they still did a lot of things together with the Doc. It was always lots of fun, even if it involved an awful lot of running. She never quite understood why.
“Miss Doo!” Pipsqueak joined Dinky in her hug. Miss Doo was a really nice mare, always happy to see him and to play along with the foals. She also made legendary muffins. He never ate anything so delicious when he was in Trottingham.
“So, you two were reading about Princess Luna?” She was looking at them both, one eye each, smiling gently as she returned their hugs.
“Oh yes! Pip wanted to find a gift for the Princess next time she comes to Ponyville!” Dinky enthusiastically explained, smiling broadly at her mother.
“I really wanted to thank her for the fun we had during Nightmare Night…But I don’t know much about her, really, so I asked Dinky to help me find something she would like.”
She was so proud of these two. She was rather fond of Luna herself, in her opinion the Princess was pretty funny and pretty – period.
Derpy actually found her idea of giving life to the fake spiders hilarious, if only for the face the Doctor made as he ran away from an especially shaggy one. Not that he wasn't terrified of the others spiders; the intellectual pony sounded incredibly silly, screaming like a little filly because of his arachnophobia.
She chuckled before trying her best to focus her eyes on Pip.
“Did you find something she’d like? I can help if you want!…Or maybe ask someone else for help if you need precise work. It’s not really my specialty…” She was scratching the back of her head with a foreleg, sticking her tongue out a little in an humorous fashion.
“Thank you, but I think we’ll need to ask Miss Twilight for help. We found something nice but it’ll need a lot of magic!”
“Magic? Twilight? Oh my! I almost forgot why I came here so early in the first place! Is Brownie here?”
“Yep! The Doc is in his super-secret bedroo- I mean, 'lab'.”
Derpy blinked. “You mean his wardrobe?” One day I'll have to ask him why he spends his nights in there. That just can't be comfortable! She pondered the question for an instant. ...Maybe it's bigger on the inside, and there's a super giant deluxe cloud bed in there?
...
Nah...
“Yep, his wardrobe. What do you need him for?”
“Oh. Well, you see-“
---
“…And that’s how I got my Cutie Mark”
“Err…Pinkie? I was the one talking, and I was summing up what happened this afternoon…” Twilight was warily eyeing the pink pony.
“Pinkie Pie, you’re so random.” Dash said flatly. It had lost its meaning a while ago, becoming some kind of a daily tradition.
“…So…Lemme guess: Now we wait for the Princess tah com’ here and tell us what that handed-thingy right there is?”
“Yes, that’s right, Applejack. But don’t worry, now that Spike sent the letter, it should only take her about an hour…maybe two to come here by flying chariot.” Twilight wasn’t fazed the slightest by her friends’ curiosity.
Usually, she would be the one trying to vivisect the creature to learn more about him, but her dear, dear, dear mentor[1] would be there soon – it had been so long since the last time they got to spend some time together!
Unexpectedly, somepony knocked on the door. Before anypony else even had the time to register the information coming from their ears, the lavender unicorn was already opening the door to the Princ- Doctor. It was…Doctor Whooves. Not the Princess.
She slammed the door shut.
[1]Subtlety? Who cares for subtlety?
---
“…Well, at least we know she’s home – and that creature you saw is probably with her, Miss Doo.” The Doc said matter-of-factly, all the while rubbing his sore face in a rather comical fashion. He insisted on his forehead, a bit above his eyebrows, that seemed to be particularly painful.
“Fantastic...Should have known better than getting my head inside.”
They had left as soon as Derpy had finished her story, the Doctor seeming to be in a hurry as usual. It was no wonder the stallion had an hourglass for a Cutie Mark...
Before leaving, the dirty blonde mare had sent Dinky and Pip to play with the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who had decided to go and try to catch some frogs at the nearby Bog.
...Which may not have been the smartest choice...
The door opened again. Twilight Sparkle seemed to have calmed down. When she crossed their glance she blushed deeply, interested all of a sudden by her own forehooves.
“Err…I’m sorry…For the door. I was expecting somepony else, and I guess frustration acted before my brain.” She offered them a sheepish smile.
Derpy and the Doctor weren’t the kind of pony to hold grudge for some trivial matter. They shared a laugh before turning back to her.
“Don’t worry for that, Miss Sparkle! We just came to see if I could help somehow with the matter on hooves, if you catch my drift.”
The lavender unicorn was taken aback by the Doc’s overtone. How does he know?!
Doctor Whooves had always stroke her as odd. He looked rather plain, with his brown coat and mane. Even his Cutie Mark was pretty common as far as time-related Cutie Marks went… And yet he stood out, with his tie and hoof-watch that seemed to be glued to his body. It was like he tried to be as unremarkable as possible...And failed epically without even noticing.
She stared at them, an uneasy smile spreading across her face.
Out of the blue, a loud sound came from inside, interrupting the awkward silence. It was a deep, booming sound, that none of them managed to identify.
They ran inside to find the source of that noise. The ponies inside were all frozen in place, looking wide-eyed at the creature.
“What happened?!” Twilight and Whooves shouted in unison.
The first one to react was Fluttershy. “I…I think he just yawned.”
“THAT was a yawn?! I felt the ground trembling!” commented Rainbow Dash, who was in the middle of an impromptu nap when she was awoken by what sounded like an angry Manticore.
“Erm…Sugarcube? Ya recall that ol’ legend ‘bout Nightmare Moon gobbling ponies up?” Applejack’s legs were shaking a bit as she tried to turn to Twilight without letting the creature out of her field of vision.
“Well, yes, but-“
“ ’cause Ah’m quite sure he could’ve gobbled Big Mac whole with that big mouth of his.”
“…You’re kidding right? I know his head is big, but he can’t possibly-“ Twilight couldn't finish her sentence as the creature yawned again.
She could only watch in horror as his jaw managed to open all the way down to his torso, revealing an over-sized mouth full of humongous teeth. Applejack was exaggerating, but not by much – a couple of foals would probably have been able to sleep comfortably in there.
“Hmm...Miss Fluttershy? Did you check if he was…you know…carnivorous?” the Doctor suggested. He never saw anything like the creature sleeping in front of him, but given the size of its oral cavity, it was vain to hope he would feed of “love and fresh water”…
“Y-yes…He’s not dangerous, I-I think…I mean, he’s got both incisors and molars, so he’s…probably…omnivorous.” Despite her usual timidity, the meek pegasus was the least affected of the group. Actually, she was relieved: yawning meant he was asleep and no longer unconscious – it was an improvement!
The Doctor reached for his tie with a hoof, and grabbed the strange device he kept there at all times, held in place by a rubber band. It looked like a cross between a pen and a flashlight, with a green light at one extremity.
He approached the creature, device in mouth, and turned it on. The green light shone brightly upon the Okama's form, who was soon encompassed by an emerald green aura. Everypony was focused on the device, wondering how such an insignificant thing could do...whatever it was doing.
The aura receded and the good Doctor turned off the device before returning it to its place.
"According to the little test I put him through, he's indeed omnivorous. He also got several broken ribs, severely damaged intestines and a dozen different toxins in his blood..." he turned to Fluttershy. "If you didn't take care of him, he would most likely be dead by now."
Fluttershy blushed, arguing that it was Rainbow who found him and Twilight who did most of the healing. The Doctor was about to comment on how she was selling herself short, but was interrupted by an intrigued Twilight Sparkle.
"What was that device you used? I've never seen something like that before..."
The Doc seemed a bit anxious at the question, but answered nonetheless. "Oh, that old thing? It's, erm, a Magic Stethoscope...er. Magic Stethoscoper. It uses magic stored in a crystal to work... By the way, could you explain to Derpy and me what we missed? He should wake up in a few minutes, it would be nice if we were up to speed with the situation before then."
As he hoped, it managed to turn Twilight attention away from his "Magic Stethoscoper". Once more, she explained the situation.
---
Twilight wished Princess Celestia could be there already. The creature looked like he was about to wake up at any moment, and right now she couldn’t really think straight. Almost everypony here was scared of him, except for Fluttershy who was by his side despite Rarity and Applejack’s protests. Derpy Doo and the Doctor didn't seem all that bothered by his presence, but still kept a safety distance between them and him.
Spike carefully returned to the kitchen. “I’ll cook something. If he wakes up hungry, I hope he'll go for the snack that doesn’t scream in terror.”
“Spike! That’s mean! Oh ...I’m sorry… But he wouldn’t harm a fly, I’m sure!”
“Fluttershy? You remember he turned a timberwolf- a big, scary one - into kindling, right?” Rainbow Dash’s voice sounded a lot more excited than she intended. He was freakin’ awesome back there!
“He’s far from harmless, but I’m with you on this one. He saved us, we should at least leave him a chance – we didn’t even get to speak with him yet!”
Fluttershy blushed. “Th-thank you Rainbow…”
---
“I hope Fluttershy is right… Well, I’ll protect Lady Rarity no matter what!” the little dragon said to nopony in particular, bringing a wooden spoon to his torso like a knight would with his sword. It would be almost convincing if he wasn't wearing the cutest pink apron anyone not named Kitty White had the rights to wear, courtesy of the fashionista unicorn. He always liked cooking, but now that it was an occasion to wear something made by Rarity, he loved cooking. Manliness be damned.
“Now…What should I cook him? We don’t have meat or anything like that, and I doubt he would eat gems… Maybe a salad?” Spike was checking the fridge, searching for inspiration.
“I wonder if he likes ice cream? GAH!” He fell to the floor, a sharp pain in his stomach paralyzing him. Ok, message understood tummy. No more snacks! Can you stop torturing me, please?!
As a new wave of pain came, he realized that he knew this feeling. He would feel like that about once a week, whenever Princess Celestia wrote a letter to Twilight. But it was much bigger than usual, excruciating even, while the average letter barely itched. Did she send every single medical book in Canterlot?!
He could feel the green fire burning in his throat. Much more than usual. It was a big delivery, whatever it was. He was a bit scared about the whole thing – he was facing the opened fridge, unable to move. …I’m not sure that will fit in there…
He tried to call for help, his mouth opening oh-so-slightly…and everything went south.
---
A loud noise in the kitchen startled everypony in the room. Fluttershy darted behind Derpy and Pinkie, who barely noticed the others’ agitation, still discussing whether cupcakes or muffins were the best baked goods ever.
"Oatmeal? Are you crazy?! Cranberries Cupcakes beat Oatmeal Muffins by a mile!"
"Sorry Cotton Candy, (Derpy has a tendency to call ponies by a treat name) but nothing beats Blueberries Muffins."
...That kept going for a while. A LONG while.
“Spike!” Twilight rushed in the kitchen, followed closely by Rarity.
“Spike, darling! Are you alright?”
Applejack and Rainbow Dash left the room too, leaving the others to watch over the creature to help the unicorns with whatever happened in the kitchen.
---
Twilight looked at her kitchen. Or what was left of it. Okay, calm down Twilight. Analyze the situation. Calmly.
She looked all around her.
There’s food everywhere in the room, but we can clean it. Stay calm.
Spike is groggy and laying on his back. Nothing Fluttershy can’t cure. Probably. Stay calm.
Princess Celestia is stuck in the fridge. You are hallucinating. Stay calm.
She just asked you for a little help. You are NOT hallucinating. Time to panic.
Her right eye twitched as her brain tried to understand just WHAT THE HAY was happening. Around her, her friends were just as dumbstruck, although Rarity managed to levitate Spike on her back before noticing the Princess and joining the slack-jawed crowd. At this instant, everypony in the room shared one same thought.
Awkwaaaaard…
Twilight's brain
[Meanwhile, in Twilight's "Center of Command"]
A perfect copy of Twilight was barking orders at a herd of mini-Twilights, each sitting in front of a computer, typing frantically on their keyboards, analyzing everything that was sent by their Master's senses. One of the mini-Twilights suddenly dropped her work and ran to her, panicked.
"Organization, Sir! You are needed at the meeting board! We have a C-666!"
"C-666? Celestia looking ridiculous?! Dammit!" Organization fled from the room, heading for the emergency meeting.
She was greeted by an ancient-looking stallion, draped in a cape and wearing a wizard hat covered in tiny bells. Stroking his long white beard in an effort to calm his nerves, Twilight's Reason invited her to take her seat, between Anger and Madness.
"My friends," the stallion began, "we face a crisis without precedent. We have been informed by the Eyes that Princess Celestia is currently stuck halfway in the Master's fridge. The sight has been confirmed as being too humorous to disregard. What are your suggestions?"
The white, burning unicorn sitting next to Organization spoke first.
"I say we use-"
"Anger. We are NOT going to use neurotoxins. We don't even HAVE neurotoxins. Stop trying to solve everything by dissolving ponies' brains," interrupted Reason.
The Rapidash clone shrugged. "Fine. Screw you."
A disheveled, frantic Twilight lifted her hoof in the air, impatiently waiting to be picked.
Reason sighed. "What is it, Madness?"
"Gimme control! Gimme control! Gimme gimme gimme honeeeey~ ♫"
Madness left the room, still singing.
"Useless piece of-" muttered Anger, before being interrupted once again, this time by an eyepatch-wearing Twilight.
"We're not going anywhere like this. Anger, shut up. Organization, please go find Madness, we can't let that loony roaming freely in there. Reason, call the President. In the end, she's always the one to take the decisions, why do we even bother with these meetings? I'd be better off training..." declared Power, and everypony in the room sagely followed her orders. You didn't want to see her angry.
A few seconds later, the President was here, listening to the situation with her back turned to the assembled ponies.
"What should we do, Ms.President?" Reason asked.
Slowly, the President's chair turned, revealing a pony-sized Smarty Pants sitting with a panicked expression.
"SHUT. DOWN. EVERYTHING!"