Ponyville Outskirts
“Phew, we have arrived”, Twilight Sparkle said happily as she was looking around and noticed Ponyville, “now, what should you all do now?”
“We should do?” Dempsey replied upset, “WE should do? Fuck you!”
“Balls: check. Vodka: check. Russian: check... I’m good!” The Russian interrupted.
“Werr, at reast there are no more zombies in here. This prace has honor!” Takeo finally said. The violet unicorn sighed at their behavior, a behavior she had to tolerate for hours, and said:
“Are you done with your stereotypical nonsense now?” The violet unicorn sighed, “if you want to go back to your own world, then go ask Richtofen.”
“I’m gonna kick your ass if you don’t help us get out of this fagtastic place,” the American pulled out his M1911 handgun, aimed at her and said, “I won’t be raped by your fucking friends again!”
“You were what!?” The violet unicorn said slightly shocked.
“At least they were gentle, no?” Nikolai said, trying to comfort Dempsey.
Suddenly, they heard a nearby bush being shaken. The quartet turned back and saw a filly coming out of it and getting closer to them. However, since it was Nightmare Night, he was carrying a costume: an undead costume.
“Ohoho! There are zombies after arr.”
“A zombie that is also a small horse...” Nikolai replied, “...I knew vodka and zero gravity wasn’t good combo.”
“Neat, more dummy targets!” He stopped aiming at the violet unicorn and aimed at the filly, he smiled and said: “Eat lead, maggot whore.”
“Wait!” Twilight said immediately after she saw the “undead” was just a filly. When she noticed the American wouldn’t stop, she used her magic to move his hand slightly to the left.
After Dempsey pulled the trigger and the shot was heard, his smile faded and said upset: “Damn, I missed.” Then, he saw the filly looking at the hole formed by the shot with horror and then she ran away, crying and being scared.
“You dumb human!” Twilight said as she took the gun off from his hands, “that wasn’t a zombie at all; that was a filly dressed like one.”
“Why the hell would they do that?” Nikolai asked.
“Unless those pon-bitches celebrate Halloween, then I guess it’s because they’re retarded.” The American replied to his partner.
“It’s called Nightmare Night, you stupid sack of meat,” a voice said from a distance. It was Richtofen; he, along with Pinkie Pie, was walking to the quartet as he kept speaking: “Oh, and hello everypony and everyone.”
“Who’s that unicorn?” Twilight asked.
“It’s a shame you don’t remember me!” He replied while faking happiness, “even though you left me here, trapped in your colorful world that somehow always smells like cotton candy.”
“That voice sounds famiriar”, Takeo interrupted, “but my eyes are terring me otherwise.”
“Yo Tak, I say the same”, Dempsey replied, “I could swear he sounds exactly like Dicktofen.”
“I see ze monkey is less stupid than before, oh well”, he turned back to the pink mare and said: “Pinkamena, you know what to do.”
“Yes, indeedy!” He took a deep breath while she grabbed a piano out of nowhere and began to sing with Richtofen:
“Welcome back, welcome back; we’re happy you’re all here,
Welcome back, welcome back; it’s been almost a year,
We’ve been missing you; we’ve been expecting you.
And you know what that means!”
Richtofen gasped and then sang with high pitched tone:
“Mein life has been changed, oh ja, for better I would say
Ze pwetty ponies are all fun, with their silly faces and their plot!”
“What?” Dempsey asked disgusted. Then, the pink mare kept singing.
“Welcome back, welcome back; we’re happy you’re all here.
Welcome back, welcome back; especially Eddy and me!”
“Am I dreaming or is a horse Richtofen singing in front of me?” Nikolai asked before the green unicorn teleported next to him, put a hoof on his shoulder as he was standing on his hind hooves and kept singing:
“Oh, Nikolai, Let me explain: You all left me on my own fate
But don’t worry, I don’t mind, ‘cause here I met my male
Belinski is your last name. Ohoho, and drinking vodka is your game!
Even though you’re communist, which is lame, you’re still mein mate.”
“Pinkie Pie, what do you think you’re doing?” Twilight asked slightly annoyed. As a response, the pink pony started to
bounce around her while she was still singing:
“Hello, Twi, how’s it going? And what’cha mean by what I’m doing?
Don’t be silly, as I’m singing, with my friendly friendo Eddy.
And what ‘bout you? You’re all dusty and dirty.
Were you fighting, or were you flirting?”
“Oh nice,” Dempsey said with a grin, “That pink pony with phsyco costume seems fun.” Richtofen heard him, teleported in front of him and kept singing as he saluted the American:
“Welcome back, welcome back; I’m happy you are here
Welcome back, welcome back; even though you’re a sack of shit
I was expecting you to die. No matter, at least mein minions tried
The only thing that cheers me up as that in Ponyville you will be fucked up!”
“Fucked up?” Takeo asked confused, “are you trying to terr us something, or are you just using random words to rhyme?” Richtofen turned back to him, grinned and sang as he approached to the Japanese with his horn glowing.
“Oh Takeo, thanks for asking, as I’m running out of words for rhyming
You surely noticed I ain’t a human, but a unicorn in fact
What I haven’t told you is: Between me and ze Princess there’s a pact
You will stop being humans. Ohoho! You’ll become ponies to be exact”
“Your rhyming skill sucks and you suck, Richtofen”, Twilight said upset.
“Wait, did he just said something about us becoming po...” Dempsey was asking before he that the green unicorn’s horn was glowing intensively while he was grinning. “Holy shit, take cover!” He yelled and then he tried to run away.
“Silly Dempsey, you can’t escape from ze doctor!” Richtofen replied and then he shot a magical beam towards the American, hitting him on his knee. “Wunderbar, who’s next?”
“The hay are you doing, Richtofen?” Twilight asked furiously, “Why are you turning them into ponies?”
“Ask Princess Luna.”
“What?” Before she could ask anything else, Richtofen shot a second beam at Nikolai.
“Fuck, this is definitely eighth worst day for Nikolai!” the Russian thought as he fell to the grass because of the hit, “first seven were getting married with ex-wives.”
“Two down”, the green unicorn said with a smirk as he turned back to Takeo, “one left.”
“And I thought you had honor, Richtofen. I am disappointed.”
“I can live with that”, he replied and then shot for the third time, this time towards the Japanese. After Takeo got hit and fell to the grass, Richtofen giggled and said to Pinkie: “Thanks for the help, Pinkamena.”
“You’re very welcome!” She replied with a wide grin. Suddenly, she saw Twilight was running fast to him and all she could do was to ask: “hey Twi, what’cha doing?” After the violet unicorn tackled him and stood on him. The pink mare then said: “Oh, you know how to play the zombie game too? Heh, he’s downed again!”
Twilight just glared at her for an instant with a glimpse of anger before turning back to the green unicorn. While she was breathing heavily, she asked to him as her horn started to glow: “What are you up to this time? Tell me!”
“Vhat makes you think this is part of mein plan?” He replied with a sarcastic smile, “do you think I care about these apes? As I mentioned, and I quote meinself, go ask Princess Luna.”
“Likely story.”
“You don’t trust me? Ich don’t really care, but I’m telling you the truth and nothing more.”
“Really?” She replied reluctantly, “then what is her reason for doing that?”
“To have fun, mess up with them, do dirty things; I don’t know. She never said why, but she commanded me to do that or I’d end up banished in some place worse than being surrounded by Jews.”
“Oh, for goodness’ sake,” the violet unicorn said and her horn’s glow grew more intense, “I fought against a massive horde of zombies on the Moon and that happened because of you, Edward!”
“Du touched the teleporter, meddling mare”, the green unicorn said annoyed, “and you ruined mein plans! If somepony should be upset, then it’d be me and not you.”
“I swear to Celestia I’ll make you pay, understand!?” She yelled and then stood away from him. She then turned back to the other humans and noticed their transformation was complete.
“Neat-o!” Pinkie Pie said excited as she approached to Dempsey and helped him to stand up. She giggled and said: “Seems like Dempsey turned into...” she got a pair of sunglasses out of nowhere and then said, “... a flying Tank.”
“The hell do you mean?” He replied after he shook his head. “And one does not simply use quotes like that!” He said loudly as he pointed at her. He then noticed he had a hoof instead of his hand.
“Hey, don’t worry!” the pink mare said as she began to bounce around him, “it’s not bad to be a white Pegasus with yellow mane...” She suddenly stopped for a moment, put a hoof on her chin and finally said: “...wait, that sounded awfully familiar.”
“At least I’m still a white motherfucking American”, he couldn’t help but to grin and then said: “wonder what my mark is”. He then turned around, looked at his cutie mark and said with happiness: “fuck yeah! Stars and stripes all the way, baby!”
Meanwhile, Richtofen approached to Nikolai. He stood next to him and said with a grin: “wake up, mein Russian pony. Nap time’s over!”
“What the fuck just happened?” He mumbled as he tried to stand up in his hind legs and fell. “Ouch! Damn vodka made me feel dizzy again.” He looked back at the green unicorn and said upset: “well, are you going to help me stand up or what?”
“Oh ja”, he replied as he helped Nikolai to stand up. The once German giggled and said: “you will enjoy your kleine pony life, Nikolai. Aren’t you excited?”
“Pony? Pony!?” The Russian replied highly confused. He then looked at himself and noticed his blue coat. “Waait a fucking second... where are my clothes?”
“You don’t need them, Nikolai”, Richtofen said with a grin, “it’s ironic how ze ponies don’t wear clothes unless they’re fancy or kinky...” He gasped and said with a high pitched tone: “...kinky!”
“Well, at least I won’t have to worry about messing up trousers”, he sighed and put his hoof on his forehead to clean the sweat on it. However, he suddenly stopped when he felt a protuberance. “The hell am I touching?”
Richtofen giggled and said: “since you’re the only one ich don’t hate, then I turned you into a pwetty unicorn, just like me!” After Nikolai looked back at him, he grinned mockingly and said: “and for some weird reason you now have navy blue coat and brown mane. Heh, equine genetics are very weird sometimes.”
“Too much information I don’t care about. I need a drink”, he looked around and noticed his backpack was missing. “Wait, where’s my vodka!?”
“Erm, about that...” the German hesitated, “...since that drink caused most of our troubles least time you were here, then Princess Luna forbid it all over Equestria.”
“What!?”
“But cheer up!” He said mockingly, “you could use ze magicks to make one appear from nowhere”, he grinned and thought: “after training for a whole year to cast something.”
“That’s brilliant!” Nikolai replied. Then, he closed his eyes, frowned and thought about a bottle of the alcoholic drink.
“Ich really like to se...” Richtofen was talking when he saw how, and all of a sudden, a full bottle was casted in front of the blue unicorn. “...How the heck did you do that!?” He asked surprised.
“You said how,” he replied as he opened the bottle magically and took a swig of its contents. “Wait a second...” he glared at his bottle for a moment, screamed like a girl and dropped it. “Why was it floating?” He looked back at Richtofen and noticed the German put a hoof on her head.
While Pinkie Pie was with Dempsey; and Richtofen was with Nikolai; Twilight walked towards Takeo. She stood in front of him and offered him a hoof.
“Come on, get up”, she said calmed. “You’re the only one that is not insane or drunk.”
“Erm, thanks?” He replied as he grabbed her hoof and stood up. He looked at himself and noticed he was an equine. “This is not what you pranned, Twiright.”
“I know, but Richtofen had to get into this”, she replied, “at least no one, I mean nopony was harmed.” He looked back at him and smiled slightly. “You will never escape from the stereotype, isn’t it?”
“What do you mean?” He replied. She pointed at his coat and said:
“Yellow coat, short black mane, a rising Sun as your cutie mark and the first pony I met with smaller eyes. I’m sure Richtofen did this on purpose.”
“Yerrow coat?” He couldn’t help but to smile in irony. “Just rike Miss Fruttershy’s coror. I don’t feer so unhonored now.”
“Speaking of which...” She turned around and said before she started to walk away: “...I must go meet my friends before anything else.”
“I’rr go with you. I don’t rearry want to stay crose to them, especiarry the Russian dog.” He followed her as she turned back briefly to him and just nodded.
Meanwhile, the pink mare and the white Pegasus were already walking towards the village. As she was bouncing in happiness, he was trying to flutter his wings.
“Hey Dempsey!” She said with her natural tone of over activeness.
“What is it?” He replied slightly serious while still trying to flutter his wings and lift himself up.
“I’m sure we’ll have tons of fun together!” She giggled, “I’ve never met a wall breaker before. Imagine what we could do together!”
“Yeah, right”, he replied reluctantly, “about that: you still need t’learn some things, pony. I’ve been in this business for more time than you.”
“What’cha talkin’ ‘bout?” She replied confused.
“See what I mean? If you quote too much, then you’ll get annoying instead of funny.”
“Okey doki loki!” She grinned at him, noticed he couldn’t lift himself up and giggled. “Silly dempsey, it’s not that easy to fly!” She wrapped a hoof around his neck, “y’know, maybe Dashie could help ya...”
“Woah, woah, woah!” He stood back from her, “Don’t mention that slut again...” He sighed, “...I’d rather learn by myself.”
“Oookay”, Pinkie replied awkwardly, “maybe Fluttershy could help you if you want.”
“Now we’re talking. Sounds like a neat plan,” he grinned and then looked back at the town while both were crossing the bridge. “Oh damn.”
“What is it, Dempsey?”
“I forgot it’s fiesta time and I have no fucking costume. I’ll look like a friggin’ freak”, he replied as he pointed at himself.
“Not a problem!” She ran back and returned in a blink of an eye, she was carrying a Wonderbolt costume. She then handed it to him and said with a grin: “here, you can use this!”
“The fuck is this shit?” He replied while he was looking at it. “’S it a superhero costume?”
“Nu-uh, silly!” She giggled, “It’s a wonderbolt costume!”
“A Wonder what?”
“Y’know, the fastest fliers in Equestria. Dashie really admires them.”
“I don’t fucking ca...” He was replying upset when he stopped for a moment and said: “Wait, that rainbowish bitch admires ‘em?”
“Erm, I don’t like the way you refer to her, but yes!” He began to giggle mischievously and then it turned into an evil laugh. Pinkie looked at him, shrugged and then began to laugh with him. When both stopped, she asked: “why were we laughing?”
He patted her mane while he grabbed the costume and said: “’cause I’m gonna pull a fuckin’ amazing prank, Pinkie. Now if you excuse me...” He put the mask on and said: “seems like this fiesta will be tons of fun...” He then thought: “and make that bitch pay again.”
“Oh, I love pranks!” the pink mare said with her usual grin, “we could pull it out together!”
“Only if you promise to not to screw it up.”
“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!” She replied as she poked her eye with her hoof.
“Damn, you’re more random than Nikolai,” he grinned, “okay then, let’s go.”
“Yes, sir!” She replied loudly and followed him.