Cheerilee spent much of the last hour glancing at the clock, counting down the minutes. It was Thursday, and the clock read 11:57. It would only be moments until the exuberant, profanity-filled human would come through the door. She began strongly questioning her decision to let Ice Cube read to her students again. She asked herself if it was the right move, even when the children were protesting. Regardless, it wouldn't be long before the answer walked in.
*knock knock* Cheerilee heard on the door. Opening it, she could see the rapper waiting patiently. She motioned with a hoof for him to step inside.
"Thank you." Ice Cube said politely.
Hm. Maybe I was being too judgemental. I'm sure he'll rise to the occasion. she thought.
Ice Cube looked at the excited class and gave a kind and hearty, "What's up niggas?".
Cheerilee face-hoofed. Or not.
"So, Ice Cube. I assume you've prepared a foal-friendly story for us today?"
"I don't know what a foal is, so no."
Cheerilee just sighed and pointed him to a chair in front of the class.
"Don't mind if I do." Ice Cube said, placing himself on the chair. Unbeknownst to Ice Cube, the chair was only meant to support pony asses. His heavy Human ass caused the chair to collapse beneath him and he fell back-first onto the floor.
"Son of a bitch!" he yelled in pain. Cheerilee saw an opportunity to save her students' innocence and rushed to Ice Cube's side.
"Oh, Ice Cube, are you okay?" Cheerily asked.
"Hell no." Ice Cube retorted, putting his hand to his lower back. "I sure as shit am not okay."
"Do you wanna go home? I can understand if you didn't want to read today... or ever." Cheerilee tried.
"No. I told these kids I'd read to them, and that's what I'm gonna do."
"But it looks like you really damaged your sternum." Cheerilee said, desperately trying to convince him to leave.
"First of all, my sternum is in my chest. What you're thinking of is my Coccyx. Second, I'm fine." he said, standing up straight, fighting the pain it caused him. Ice Cube turned to the class and prepared to announce the story.
"Goldilocks and the Thr..." Ice Cube said before being interrupted by Cheerilee.
"Ice Cube, you should really go lay down."
"I'm fine. Goldilocks and the..."
"But what if you're not?"
"Goldilocks an..."
"Ice Cube, you should..."
"Goldiloc..."
"Don't ignore me."
"Gol..."
"Ice Cube!"
"GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE FUCKING BEARS!" he yelled. Cheerilee went dead silent, as did the class.
"Thank you. Goldilocks and the Three Bears."
There was once a family of bears who lived in the woods. These weren't the typical bears, but these bears could talk and perform multiple tasks that only sapient beings could do. Kinda like Yogi, except less annoying. Well, one morning, the bears made some porridge, which kinda tastes like oatmeal mixed with piss. After making the porridge, they went for a walk.
In the forest, there also lived a girl. Short, white, blonde; your typical aryan. She was always curious and always getting into things. Well, one day she decided to go on a walk in the forest. Her mom didn't have the sense to tell Goldilocks that the woods is filled with an uncountable number of things that can eat you. But luckily for Goldilocks, she remained un-eaten for her walk.
After an hour of walking, Goldilocks found the bears' cottage in the middle of the woods. Thinking that breaking and entering would be fun, she went into the cottage. She was an amateur, though. She didn't close the door behind her and she didn't wear gloves or a hat to keep DNA and fingerprints off their property. She also didn't check every room before making herself comfortable. Not to mention, she made the rookie mistake of going into the house in broad daylight.
"Mister Ice Cube, how do you know so much about breaking into houses?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"Uh, I knew a guy." Ice Cube lied, and returned to the story.
Well, Goldilocks decided to raid this particular house's pantry. She saw the bowls of porridge sitting on the table. She took a spoonful of the largest bowl.
"Ow, too hot. And it tastes like piss." she said.
She got a spoonful of the medium bowl. "Too cold. And it still tastes like piss."
She then got some of the smallest bowl. "Hmm. Just right temperature, but... AHA!"
She ran to the pantry and pulled out a bottle of hops, putting them in the porridge. The hops mixed with the taste of piss. Now the smallest bowl tasted like Bud Lite, but it was an improvement.
Deciding she was satisfied with breakfast, she got a beer out of the fridge and went to the living room. After playing their XBox, leaving her beer on the coffee table without a coaster, and being an overall nuisance; she decided to rest her feet. She sat in the Papa bear's chair and decided it was too big.
"God damn! Who the hell sits in this? Buddha? Does the Notorious BIG live here?" She snarled.
After seeing the Mama bear medium sized chair, she still thought it was too big. "Shit. It's like a foster home for Oompa Loompas."
Then, she saw the Baby bear chair. "Now we're talking." She said, sitting on the chair. Just then, the chair collapsed under her weight.
"Wait. Didn't that just happen ta you?" Apple Bloom asked. Ice Cube thought about that.
"Uh, yeah. Yeah it did." he pondered the coincidence of it before continuing again.
Goldilocks got up from the pile of wooden chair parts and went upstairs to the bedroom. Glad that there was nobody getting freaky in there, she stepped in and looked at the beds. She walked over to the biggest bed and jumped on it. It was too hard for Goldilocks, making her left arm go numb. She jumped on the medium bed, but it was too soft. In fact, it looked like the matress was trying to eat her alive. Once she climbed her way off the overly-soft bed, it was onto the smallest one. She jumped on this one and immediately fell asleep on impact.
The bears didn't take long after that to get home and notice something wrong. The bears walked over to their respective bowls and noticed someone had eaten their porridge. The curious baby bear took a bite and immediately spit it out and started crying.
"What's wrong, little bear?" Mama bear asked.
"It tastes like Bud Lite!" he replied. All three bears violently threw up at the mention of the foul liquid.
"What wretch does this to a child?" Papa bear yelled.
They moved onto the living room, where a chair was broken, their XBox was on, and there was a coaster-less Coors bottle sitting on the table. Mama bear nearly snapped when she saw the bottle leaving outlines on her coffee table.
The Papa bear comforted his wife and led his family upstairs to the bedroom. Papa bear noticed a crack on his solid granite bed.
"Someone's been sleeping in my bed." he yelled.
"Someone slept in my bed too." Mama bear called out.
"Papa, there's an Aryan girl sleeping in my bed; just like Malcolm X warned." Baby bear said. Goldilocks woke up and looked around to see a room full of pissed-off bears. She got up, but Papa bear got in a fighting stance.
"You'll die here, bitch. Nobody puts Bud Lite in my boy's food." Papa bear growled. Goldilocks panicked and pulled a 9 millimeter out of her pocket and shot Papa bear in the leg.
"AAAARGH!" he yelled. Goldilocks hauled ass out of the house while the bears chased her. Just then, she realized her left arm was still numb and flailing behind her as she ran. If you're having trouble imagining this, just think of a blonde girl with a gun in one hand, and her other arm flailing around while she runs from a family of bears who are covered in puke, and one of which is limping after her with a shot leg. Then you can get a feel of the shituation she's in.
Well, it turns out Goldilocks was fast as hell, and got away. But the police apprehended her 4 hours later, smoking a blunt behind starbucks. She was charged with breaking and entering, assault, and failure to use a coaster. She was given 5 years in the state pen, and the police were ordered to keep a permanent record on her.
But who cares what the police think? Fuck the police. The end.
Cheerilee just sighed as the students clapped and some nearly cried at their beloved reader's perfect story.
"You kids really like it?" Ice Cube asked.
"Uh, yeah. It's only the best story we've ever heard." Scootaloo said.
"It was awesome!" Snips yelled.
"An extraordinary work of literature, and a shining example of what stories should be in a timeless display of both emotion and skill." Apple Bloom attested. "Or, ya know... stuff."
"We want you to read us stories all the time." Sweetie Belle said.
"YEAH!" erupted the classroom.
"You... want me..." Ice Cube said, trying to hold back the only tear he'd ever shed since Eazy-E passed away.
"I gotta go. Thanks." he said, running out the door, not wanting the kids to see him in his current state. He hadn't been that happy in a long time.
"Wait! Are you coming back?" Cheerilee yelled to Ice Cube, who was running into town.
"Monday. Same time." he managed to get out.
Cheerilee sighed once again and closed the door. She picked up a piece of chalk and walked up to the board.
"Okay, let's go over a quick list of words you shouldn't ever say. Let's start with 'fuck', shall we?"
Author's Note
Click here for the actual story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.