Derpy Hooves Microwaves a Pizza
By Homage
I'm sitting at my computer, playing Team Fortress 2. I am currently playing Heavy, and topping the scoreboard on Dustbowl. I just worked with a Medic and a Scout to cap the final point on the last map. The announcer says “Victory!”
As I mow down REDs during humiliation, I hear a strange, but familiar, growling noise. It's my stomach. I look at the clock. It's 7:32 pm. The college's cafeteria is closed. Luckily, I just went shopping earlier today. I bought a large assortment of snacks and frozen food. Hot Pockets, burritos, and Ramane. The college freshmare's traditional diet.
I look over at my minifridge. It looks about a million miles away. Can I make the journey? Do I have the I strength of will and the courage to complete the trek to the fridge? I contemplate it for another few minutes.
My stomach growls again. I've made up my mind. I move the mouse to the “Disconnect” button and left click. I try to scoot my chair back to get up, but it refuses to slide along the carpet. I lean back and try to get some leverage, but I lean too far. I lose control and my chair topples backwards, taking me along with it.
I'm falling in my chair. I desperately flail all my limbs trying to grab something to break my fall. But I only grasp the air. My wings similarly fail to stop my fall. My head hits the dresser with a loud “thunk!”
I reach back to grab my aching head. A bump the size of my hoof begins to form. I lie there on the floor a little while longer, clutching my skull with both hooves, before realizing I need something to stop the swelling. Finally, I reach one of my hooves onto the desk to pull myself up. However, my hoof lands on a folder, which slides off, sending me crashing back to the floor.
Cursing at my clumsiness, I clench the back of my now two-bumped head with my right hoof and push myself off the floor with my left. With the help of my flapping wings, I actually successfully stand up without falling. I look at the minifridge. Ok, one step at a time.
I put one hoof in front of the other. It lands with a thunderous crash in the quiet room. I take another step. Crash, crash, crash, crash, crash. Ok, I have reached the nutrition supplement station known as a refrigerator. I stare at it a little while longer, rubbing my head. I try to open the freezer to grab an ice pack, but the door is stuck. I pull harder. Still nothing. I brace my hooves against the bottom of the fridge and yank the handle as hard as I can with my teeth. The minifridge wobbles and the jar of cookies on top falls directly on my head. I scream in pain as the jar falls open, spilling Chips Ahoy everywhere. I scramble to pick up the cookies within five second rule. When I stand back up, I hit my head on the freezer door. The entire residence hall floor probably heard my rage.
Having successfully opened the freezer, I grab the ice pack in my hooves and put it to the cluster of bumps on my head. The swelling goes down and my headache begins to recede. Relieved, I put the ice pack back in the icebox and reach for the door when my stomach rumbles again. Oh yeah! That's why I came here.
I take a look at the various boxes in the freezer. Amy's Organic Burritos, Hot Pockets, and Personal Size DiGiornio's. I settle on the last one and grab it. Closing the freezer door, I turn the box over in my hands. 540 calories??!! What do they put in this stuff? Ingredients: Pasteurized skim milk, tomato, wheat flour, partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil, sodium chloride, sodium bicarbonate, methychlorohydrothiazolinone... Eh, doesn't matter. I open the box, pull out the bag with the pizza, tear it open, put the frozen food on a plate, and toss the box in the trash. Realizing my mistake, I fish the empty package out of the trash and read the directions.
“Step one: Without opening the bag, place pizza on plate in microwave.” Pony feathers. I look at the empty bag in my hoof, and the plate on top of the microwave. I put the dish in the microwave oven anyway. “Step two: Set the microwave on high heat for 7 minutes.” I press the add minute button seven times. Easy. “Step three: Remove pizza from microwave and enjoy!” I look at the turning disc in the microwave. It's not ready to eat yet. The cheese is still frozen. I watch it spin around some more. The ice crystals slowly begin to melt; little rivulets of water run down the sides onto the ceramic plate. I stare at the timer. “6:48, 6:47, 6:46...” It's still got a while to go. I begin to think about the physical process of a microwave. The oven emits microwaves, radiation of a short wavelength, that goes into the food and causes the water molecules in the food to become excited. And vibrating particles equal heat, so the food gets hot. I wonder what would happen if you microwaved something that contained no water. Like... a rock! I glance over to my miniature zen garden. It contains a multitude of small stones. I grab a gray, shiny one. Then I turn back to the microwave. Oh, wait, there's a pizza in there. I sigh.
My science experiment would have to wait until the pizza is done. I replace the gray rock and look at the timer again. “5:50, 5:49, 5:48...” The cheese is beginning to melt. I stare intently at the small chunks of cheese. Slowly, but surely, the orange and white cubes start to dissolve and spread out as a flat layer over the tomato sauce. Kind of like that liquid robot from Terminator 2 after it got blown up. The small droplets came back together to form a large puddle, which shaped back into a robot. Except instead of becoming a murderous, shiny android, the cheese just became a bubbling puddle. Hmm, what if the Terminator was made out of cheese? It would have been the Urdanator. A terrifying mechanical Munster played by Arnold Shwartzacheddar. These puns aren't very Gouda. Cheeses shouldn't be used for jokes, you should just Edam.
“4:23, 4:22, 4:21...” I can smell the pizza. A strong scent of tomato and basil, accompanied by a hint of melted mozzarella is in the air. My stomach growls again. I look at the microwave in frustration. It's still got four minutes to go. I begin to shake the microwave in anger, causing the spinning tray to wobble. “Go faster, you piece of garbage!” I cry out. But it doesn't. The timer counts down as slow as ever. “4:01, 4:00, 3:59...”
Four more minutes. With nothing better to do, I begin to sing the song in my head. “Oppan Gangnam Style! Op, op, op, Oppan Gangnam Style!” I start doing the human dance. “Hey, sexy filly! Op, op, op, Oppan Gangnam Style!” I begin to have difficulty with the other lyrics, since I don't speak Dragon. So I just repeat the chorus over and over, dancing like an idiot. Then the mental song ends. I start another one. “I wanna be the very best, that nopony ever was. To catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause...”
After nearly overdosing on nostalgia, I glance at the timer on the microwave. There's only 32 seconds left!!! I stand in front of the spinning tray, hopping up and down as the timer ticks down. “30, 29, 28, 27, 26,” I count out loud. I'm finally gonna get to eat this pizza I've waited seven whole minutes for! And it looks delicious! The wafting scent is very strong and the cheese is bubbling. “22, 21, 20...” I'm so excited! That pizza is gonna be as delicious as delivery! Except... it's not delivery, its DiGiornio's.™
Just ten more seconds left! My hooves are sweating in anticipation. “10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, BEEP!”
An angelic choir rings out as doves fly out and fireworks are set off. My pizza is ready!!! I quickly push the button to open the door and grab the plate. I walk back to my desk and set the plate on top. Steam rises from the bubbling cheese. The grease on top glistens in the light of my desk lamp.
This is it. The moment I have been waiting for. The world grows silent and dark. The only illumination is a spotlight shining on the plate of food. I grab one of the slices with both hooves and raise it to my mouth. I take a big bite. My mouth immediately catches on fire! I scream out, “BBBBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU................”