"Okay, alright, everything's going to be fine, everything's going to be fine."
I was pacing back and forth in front of the parallel universe projector, rationalizing about my situation, trying to get a grip on reality. It was dusk now, as the sun was slowly beginning to set over the horizon.
"I am... Trapped... In My Little Pony... And everything's... Going to be fine, everything's going to be fine."
I began to caress the parallel universe projector very slowly, feeling a sense of emptiness. It was my only escape, but it wouldn't work, because it needed electricity. Pretty little ponies, of course, never need electricity, because they have sparkly magic from wonderland, which is why they would ever dream of not having electricity. Ever.
"Dammit, Phil!" I shouted, slamming my fist on the machine. If Phil had never opened the portal to My Little Pony, then I would have never found myself standing here, right now, in the nightmare of my life!
Of course, once I slammed my fist on the machine, a pipe fell out of it on the other side. Wonderful.
"Dammit Phil," I growled, boiling with rage.
That's it. That. Is. It. No more sobbing over the parallel universe projector. It was time to go out into this insipid world in search of a way to harness electricity.
I turned around from the parallel universe projector, looking all around me. I was standing in a clearing, with trees all around it. No matter what I would do, I would have to walk into this dense forest, with a mist clearly beginning to form inside of it. In fact, it was surprisingly forbidding for a little girl's show. Meh, whatever.
Anyway, I took a deep breath, and I began to walk forward into that forest, knowing that I'll eventually have to come out of the other side. That, or I was going to find higher ground so that I could get a better scope of the... shudder... "world of Equestria." Eugh.
I picked up a stick, and began marking each of the trees I passed with it so that I can know how to get back to the projector. As I continued to walk into the forest, the mist seemed to swallow me up, until I couldn't see far behind me or ahead of me; with the mist came a damp, rotten smell - kind of like worms, but more exotic. Good thing I had picked up the stick, or I'd never find my way home. Heheh.. heh... heh... yeeaaaahhhh...
Two Hours Later
"Dammit! I've seen that tree before about fifty times already!"
I kicked a rock on the ground, stubbing my toe, screaming
"Dammit!"
"Dammit!"
"Dammit!"
With every hop that I made with my other foot, being sure not to put to much weight on my throbbing stubbed toe.
"It's been two hours. Two. Damn. Hours. With no signs of anything!" I shouted, pacing back and forth in a small open area where there actually weren't any brambles. Curse those damned brambles, cutting and scraping at me. Now I was wearing a torn, sweat-soaked, dirt smothered lab coat with leaves pinned to it with their thorns; they were too thorny to take off without piercing my skin and making me cut myself - trust me, I knew, because my hands showed it.
Although I had hoped that would be the worst of it, it wasn't. Apparently, there is night in this... "Equestria"... which is ironic for a sunny, happy, little girl's show, but that didn't matter. The only light that I had to lead my way was the soft silvery glow of the moon, and the makeshift torch which I held in my hand. Not only that, but the mist was still here, and the light was reflecting off of it, making it nearly impossible to see about ten feet in front of me.
"Lost, in a forest, in a little girl's show..." I said, voice trembling a little bit, "It's nothing, just a little... a little girl's show. There'll probably be some random fairy-pony things which will lead me out of the forest in the most painful, brain-dead way... eventually."
I heard a howl from the distance, kind of like that of a wolf. Instinctively, I quickly turned to face the source of the howl. Wait, wolves in a little girl's show? Nah, I had to be losing it. It had to be the darkness, or my wits running thin, or something. I was probably just relating this forest to the way any forest back at home sounded through the subconscious depths of my mind. Yeah, that had to be it. Just my subconscious. That's all.
I began to notice that I was taking smaller steps than I was a little bit ago, and my legs began to feel a little wobbly. That, and my hands began to feel cool and sweaty, along with a slightly more rapid rate of breathing.
"Keep it together, Bob," I said to myself, "Keep it together. You're not going to lose it in a little girl's show, are you? What if your colleagues saw you like this. In fact, what if Phil saw you like-"
I stopped talking, a sudden realization dawning on me.
"That's it, isn't it? This is all a part of Phil's plan! He wanted me to stay in that clearing, and he wanted me to go out into this forest so that he could see me having a meltdown in a show for little girls. In fact, I'm sure he's probably seeing me right now, holding a video camera in his little brony hands so that he can show everyone how stupid I looked in a show for prepubescent little girls!"
I shook my fist at the canopy, imagining Phil could see me, saying
"Oh, I'm on to you, Phil, I am on to you! I'm going to find a way to power that parallel universe projector, and in the end it'll be you who looks like the girly little fool you are, and not me, dammit! So help me, I'll-"
I was interrupted by the sound of a crackle just behind to me. Almost jumping out of my skin, I turned to face the source of the noise.
Great, it was my first pony of my trip to insanity. Standing before me was this tall, white pony with wings and a unicorn horn, with a colorful and ethereal mane. Well, on the bright side, I looked pretty dapper in comparison to her, considering that her mane appeared to be soaked and weighed down some unspeakable bodily fluids. Her entire body was smothered in dirt as well; but there was one thing about her which seemed the most disturbing, and that was the fact that she appeared to be... drooling? Not to mention that her pupils were mere dots. I thought that I might as well go ahead and swallow my man-pride by asking her for directions. Couldn't hurt, right?
"So... Hi. I'm, not from around here, and I'm trying to find the quickest way to get out of this forest, so I was wondering if you could turn me in the right direction..."
"...turn you in the right direction..."
Something about the way she slurred that phrase gave me the feeling she meant it in another way. Meh, doesn't matter. She was still creeping me out though.
"Yeaaah..." I responded.
"Why do you want to leave?" she asked.
To me, the answer seemed obvious. Why would I want to stay in a humid forest? I decided I'd skip the obvious and get straight to the point.
"I'm trying to find a way to power my parallel universe projector, so that I can get back to my world... Look, I just need something to harness electricity in order to get it working again," then I remembered the extra damage I caused to the machine after slamming my fist on it, "and I'll need to get a rod, too."
"A rod..." she said ponderously.
"Yeah, a rod... You know what that is, right? I'm not wasting my breath on some girly-"
"Oh, well you won't be needing any of those." she said coyly, along with a slightly wild look in her eyes.
Yep, I was definitely feeling a chill run down my spine after she said that. Feeling a little creeped out at this point, I did what I've always done when I was creeped out. I started taking steps backwards.
Just as I thought, she started taking steps forwards in order to keep the same distance between us. Greeaaat. What better time to try and stall for time in order to get away from this freak then now right? So I did what I would always do when I was stalling for time - use small talk.
"Soooo... Nice weather we're having."
No sooner had I said "Nice weather we're having" then I had realized I had made the stupid mistake of not realizing that the weather was actually pretty bad right about now. Sure enough, the pony gave me the eyebrow. If I didn't justify myself quick, she'd know I was stalling. I decided to start complimenting everything I was feeling in the forest at about this moment.
"Yeeaaah, you know, it's... Sticky, hazy, dark... Hot..."
"Hot..." She said again. I really didn't like the way she said that.
"Eheheh..." I responded, before I suddenly realized something.
This had to be a trick. This could not possibly be a pony from a little girl's show - I mean look at her! She looks like a fucking x-file! This had to be a trick from Phil. He was probably up in a tree, recording all of this. That's it. I had it. I wasn't getting freaked out by a pony who appeared to be a rapist from hell. Not today, Phil!
I stopped walking backwards, then jabbed a finger in the other pony's face, saying
"No more games, Phil, I've had it. I want whoever you are, in that costume, to come out, before I pound you to the ground!"
The other pony looked amused. Sly, but amused.
"Now on the count of three," I said.
"On the count of three..." she responded, a small grin appearing on her face.
"I'm going to show you what I'm really made of, you hear me?"
"I'm going to show you what I'm really made of," she responded, still grinning coyly.
"...One."
She stared back at me with those pinprick, depraved eyes.
"...Two."
She started to look like she was anticipating what was coming next.
"...Thr-"
"...THREE!" She shouted gleefully, standing up on her hind hooves, suddenly looming over me, she began taking off... her skin? Revealing a pink pony jumping out from inside her... skin? The fuck, was I on drugs or something?
Oh, the skin was a costume.
"Were you scared? Because you looked scared and it was sooooooooooo funny and I was just barely able to keep myself from laughing because the last time I ever saw anypony as scared as you did was back at the last nightmare night celebration and I was like WEEEEEEEEEEE because it was so much fun and I was running around screaming with everypony but just a minute ago I was helping Zecora with some stuff and I told her my Pinkie sense was telling me that somepony was in the forest and since it was at night I just had to try and creep up on him, or her, or whoever it was, but she only had this costume which looked sooooooorta like Princess Celestia so I smothered the costume's mane if mud, and glue, and leaves, and all this other stuff and now I've met you and... Wow, I haven't met you before what's your name? My name's Pinkie Pie! Ooh, ooh, we should be friends!"
Pinkie Pie. Of course. That's what Phil's code was. I was such an idiot! I blinked at her, dazzled by what happened before me. Then I shook my head, trying to get my facts straight.
"Look, I'm trying to get out of this forest. I don't want any "friends" to help me either."
She looked at me with this sorrowful face.
"But everypony needs friends!" She said encouragingly.
"Yeah, but I don't, and I definitely don't need you as a friend either." I said flatly.
She bit her lip, her eyes going wide, as she made this cute, sad noise. Eeeugh.
"Wait!" She said suddenly, looking happier than ever again, "I need to show you my welcome wagon!"
"...Show me your wha-"
Out of the blue, Pinkie Pie slams a party hat on my face, covering my eyes.
"Eagh!" I shouted in response, pushing the hat up to my forehead enough to see a wagon of some kind suddenly appear right before my eyes.
Oh no, she started singing. And dancing. Oh, mother, why oh why oh-
"Welcome welcome welcome, a fine welcome to you!
Welcome welcome welcome, I say how do you do?"
I fell to my knees, covering my ears. Was this some kind of vocal torture device? DAMMIT PHIL! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"
Suddenly, she brings out this base drum out of nowhere and starts pounding it over and over.
"Welcome welcome welcome, I say hip hip hooray!"
Welcome welcome welcome to equestria today!"
A brief moment passed after she finally jumped into the air, and landed on her hind legs, sliding towards me with her forehooves spread out. Was it over?
"Wait for it..." she said, holding her hooves out theatrically.
Boing!
Splat!
"MMMFFMMFMFMFFFF!" I muffled, my face suddenly covered in cake batter, my arms plastered to my sides so I couldn't move. DAMMIT PHIL, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!
"Huh, I thought for sure I got it right this time. Oh well!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully.
I slowly pried myself from the dried cake batter, trying to get the sticky wet cake batter off of my already worn and torn lab coat, while I cursed under my breath,
"Sooooooooooo whaddya think?" She said cheerfully once more. Ahem, once more.
"What do I think?" I said, losing my temper, "I think that I have just been
"LAUNCHED INTO A LITTLE GIRL'S SHOW AGAINST MY WILL,
TREKKING FOR MILES IN A FUCKING FOREST,
BEFORE MEETING A RAPE PONY OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE,
ONLY TO BE FRIENDSHIP RAPED BY A PINK LITTLE PONY,
NEARLY GETTING A HEADACHE FROM THE MERE FORCE OF YOUR PARTY HAT SLAM,
AND NEARLY DROWNING IN YOUR GIRLY CAKE BATTER,
AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I THINK?
... Hoho, you want to know what I think?"
"...Yes?" she said, looking downhearted from my shouting.
"I THINK YOU NEED TO GET A LIFE, YOU PRICK!"
Oh no, now she had tears in her eyes. Euugh.
"Yeah, yeah, so if you're not going to tell me how to get out of this fucking forest, "Pricky Pie", then I'm figuring it out myself." I said, as I turned on my heels and started walking away, not even caring.
"B-but, you don't want to w-walk that way, because-"
"Just shut it." I said, having had enough with this whole "My Little Pony" world altogether. To think I was even scared. I was ashamed of myself.
"But there's monst-"
"Shut."
"-ers that wa-"
"It."
Then she stopped talking to me. Good, now I could walk through this forest in peace for once. I looked up at the sky, seeing the moon high above me. It was probably about midnight by now. Great.
- - -
"Nopony ever called me names before!" Pinkie Pie cried, continuing to sit on the ground where that meanie left her not five Pinkie Pie ticks to the left ago.
"Why'd he have to be so mean? I didn't do anything to him!" She continued, streams of water still spraying out of her eyes.
After she finally collected herself, she continued to think aloud.
"Well, he was just going deeper into the forest where there's timberwolves, and hydras, and who knows what else. I can't just let him go that way... And hey, maybe he'll be my friend if I can help him!" She proclaimed, raising her hoof in the air with confidence. After a moment, she slumped back down again, "But what if he doesn't want my help?"
"Exactly, Pinks. He doesn't want your help. Besides, he doesn't deserve it either."
Pinkie looked to her right shoulder to see a small, red pinkie pie with horns on her head.
"...Baddy Pie? My shoulder devil?"
"Yep. But you can just call me... Pie. It sounds like a double-o seven thing."
"Oh. Okay, whatever." Pinkie chimed.
"So as I was saying-"
"Wait just a minute!"
Pinkie looked to her other shoulder, and lo and behold, a small, angelic Pinkie Pie was standing there.
"And Goody Pie too!" Pinkie shouted, clapping her hooves together.
"Sure thing, Pinkie Pie, you can call me anything." Replied Goody Pie, "Now listen, there is a lost soul out there, confused by living with hatred and loathing, and he doesn't know the first thing about the magic of friendship! You can't just leave him out in the Everfree to die, Pinkie, because sometimes a good friend is someone who opens up to you over time."
"Huh, never thought of that. Thanks Goody!" Replied Pinkie Pie happily.
"Hold on a sec!" Pie responded, "are you completely forgetting what that meanie pants said to you a minute ago? He was, like, cursing and shouting and pointing his finger at you, and he even said bad stuff about you! You can't just go trot up to him and lend him the hoof of friendship - he'll just deny it! Besides, after everything you did for him, and the way he repaid you, he doesn't deserve the help either."
"Oh, well that makes sense, I mean, I did put some effort into that welcome wagon thing and he did call me a-"
"Hang on, Pinkie Pie, don't let Baddy Pie here-"
"It's Pie, Goody."
"...Fine, Pie... Pinkie, don't let Pie here convince you that turning your back on that person is what you should do, because that's the easy thing to do. It's hard to forgive, Pinkie, but the best of friends will always be ready to forgive, even when-"
"Awww, give me a break, Goody," Pie interrupted, "don't give us the namby-pamby friendship stuff. Now isn't the time for that! That meanie just called Pinkie Pie a prick." Pie turned to face Pinkie Pie, "...I mean... I mean COME ON!!!"
"I dunno, Pie, I'm liking what Goody Pie over here is saying."
"See? She always listens to me. Every time. Seriously, you need a new line of work, Pie."
"Goody, being a shoulder devil was my dream job!"
Goody held out a hoof, expecting something. Pie sighed.
"Fine," Pie said, taking ten bits out of her pocket and tossing them over to Goody, "Best out of one-hundred and twenty?"
"As much as you like, Pie, as much as you like."
Suddenly, Pinkie's shoulder guides dissipated. With renewed confidence, Pinkie Pie proclaimed,
"I'm going to find meanie pants!"