It was about 5-o-clock in the afternoon when the parallel universe projector was finally finished being constructed. Now it was time for the programming, of course, which Phil offered to do himself. Feeling tired and lazy, I let him do it. We needed a name for the parallel universe projector, though, and Phil thought that the name "P.1.N.K.-E-3.14" would be a good name. I dunno, I didn't have any better ideas for a name myself, but he said that it fit with the whole inter-dimensional thing, somehow. I just shrugged and said "fine, name it what you want," before running out to get some donuts and coffee.
Sitting down at one of the tables at the coffee shop, I decided to jot down the name of the machine on a napkin, curious.
"P.1.N.K. - E - 3.14"
Now, I thought, if he was secretly a brony, then this had to be a code of some kind. He would have to be trying to be soiling our brilliant breakthrough in technology with his little girl's show. He just had to, and I knew it. Staring at that secret code, I began to decipher. Those dashes were obviously separating the words, sounds, or something, so I rewrote it beneath the original code as:
P.1.N.K. E 3.14
Alright, so far so good. I thought for sure I was on to something now, realizing that P.1.N.K. had to be a replacement for the word Pink. Pink, of course! Only a brony would have anything to do with the color pink! I was on to Phil now, so much I could taste it. I quickly jotted down the next part of the code.
Pink E 3.14
I felt so proud of myself, I was sure that R1T3ousFyr3 would be so proud of me as a fellow anti-brony! I could see myself now, being seen as a national hero, with the president standing next to me, saying "Today, our fellow patriot Bob has protected the sanctity of the american vision of a man by protecting an advancement in quantum physics from being tainted by the likes of those... bronies."
"Thank you, Mr. President!" I shouted, before realizing that I was in a public area. Now that everyone was staring at me, it was time to fulfill my destiny.
Looking back at the sinister brony code, I noticed something else. 3.14 are the first three digits of "Pi". Making note of this, I proceeded to jot down the next part of the code.
Pink E Pi
"...Dammit!" I whispered harshly to myself. No luck. I was left with only three words to go by, and nothing more. that Phil may have escaped my anti-brony hate, for now.
"Oh, I'll catch you yet, Phil. Maybe not today, but I'll catch you yet, you slippery criminal mastermind, you."
- - -
Discouraged, I returned to the lab, where Phil was working on some complicated mathematics having to do with the functionality of the machine. Next to him sat five DVD cases stacked on top of each other, edges even with each other. I looked at the watch on my wrist: 9:00 P.M.. Wow, the night really crept up on me this time. I yawned, looking through a small window in the door I was standing next to, which led to the parallel universe projector. Since Phil seemed to have everything taken care of, I decided to call it quits for the day.
"Hey Phil, you okay working on your own? I'm thinking about hitting the hay."
"The hay?... Oh, right, yeah, no problem." Phil replied, seeming distracted.
Stretching my arms out, I took my keys off of the desk and left the lab. I walked down the hall, past all eighteen doors which lined it, until I finally made it to the doors. Walking out of the building, I slowly walked through the parking lot to my very own, glistening, black, Hummer. I unlocked the car, opened the door, fastened my safety belt, then turned the ignition, causing the car to create a masculine roar. May no human being ever accuse me of bronyness! Muahahahahah!
Of course, I always say that when I turn on the ignition to my car. No really, I do, I actually do. In fact, it has become so much of a habit, that when I was taking my ex-fiancee to dinner, I wound up saying that by accident. She was a little creeped out, but, y'know, there are worse things that could have happened. Course she broke up with me the next day, but... Nevermind.
Anyway, I flipped on my right turning signal as I stopped at the exit from the parking lot. Turning right out of the parking lot, I continued to drive ahead on the open road, vacantly watching the road as it rolled right under me.
I started wondering when the programming for the parallel universe projector would be finished. Oh, it would probably be finished by tonight. Knowing Phil, he could probably finish it within the hour. Besides, it was a friday night, and we'd both have the day off tomorrow and the day after that, not to mention labor day was on this upcoming monday, so if Phil worked late then he'd have plenty of time to catch up on some z's.
That's probably why he had those DVD cases next to him, now that I thought about it. He'd probably finish the programming and try out some of those DVD's to see if the machine could actually interdimensionally take you into the world of-
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Hitting the brakes hard, I turned right there on a dime. How could I be so stupid? That's why he wanted to work on the programming; that's why he wanted to stay late, because he was going to use one of those DVD's to enter his world of MY FRICKIN' LITTLE PONY!
I floored it, the engine revving up like the formula 1's in the indy 500. There was no way I was going to let that closeted brony taint my lifetime's work on the parallel universe projector! Not now, not ever! I don't think I ever drove faster in my life, not even in my teenage racing years. speeding down the road, I finally returned to the Roice Lab. As I parked my car and threw myself out its door, I quickly looked at the main entrance door to the lab - it was glowing.
"Just as I thought," I said to myself, giddy that I was about to nail that brony once and for all! He couldn't escape me now!
Charging at the door, I fumbled with the keys. I was so excited, I probably wound up accidentally using each one of the wrong keys until I found the right one. I opened the door in a cold sweat, feverishly sprinting down the hall. I could've sworn I was audibly making a maniacal cackle as I ran, but I was too excited to pay that much attention. Sliding down the hall to the room eighteenth door on the right, I nearly tackled the door open in my state of euphoria. Standing up straight, hair frazzled, I pointed forward and said:
"PHIL, I'VE CAUGHT YOU RED HANDED! YOU CLOSETED, GAY, Pedophi... pedo... phile..."
But he wasn't there. Fearing the worst, I opened the door leading into the room with the parallel universe projector. No. No. No. No. No. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
It had clearly been activated, because a rippling pool of distortion was filling the center of its ring-shaped doorway, and it was glowing a bright, blue hue.
"NOOOOOOO!!!" I cried, falling to the floor on my knees next to my beautiful machine. Why, oh why was I too late? Now it was tainted with that little girls... hello, what's this?
Picking up the DVD case which was laying beside the machine, I examined the cover. The front had an obscured picture of a risque, anime woman, hidden by a large black sticker reading "18+ Only".
"Ahahah, Phil, I was always wrong about you!" I shouted gleefully, dropping the DVD case to the floor. Phil wasn't gay, or a pedophile - he was just getting himself some hentai porn! Of course! Why didn't I see it before? I was probably just too full of prejudice to see past the straight man that he was.
I walked away, shaking my head in enthusiasm. That Phil, that rascal, that sly dog, I should've thought better of him. This whole time, and he was being completely, 100% honest with me, and I was giving him the cold shoulder. What kind of a man was I to just do all of what I did to Phil, second-guessing him and trying to inadvertently insult him for being a brony. To think, I was just kidding myself the whole time. Why, I...
Wait.
Why am I walking away?
I stopped, then turned on my heels. Did Phil really think he could get away with this? Did he really think he was going to satisfy his guilty desires and leave a straight man like me out of it? Not in a lifetime!
I shouldn't. I'm a professor in quantam physics. Imagine the shame that I would deserve for gratifying myself with this new technology? It would be just as bad as if it was My Little Pony! The critics would call me a pervert, a scoundrel, a scientist with primitive ulterior motives, a man who...
Ah, screw it.
I jumped into the portal, vowing to find Phil and to not be left out of anything. Besides, no one he knew would know... besides Phil, of course... so what harm was there?
- - -
I landed on the other side of the portal face-first. I heard chirping in the air, along with a soft breeze, with leaves bristling in the canopy of a forest.
I got up, spotting Phil immediately, who was holding a clipboard in one hand and scribbling on it with a pencil in the other.
"Phil!" I shouted.
Phil's hands shook, dropping his pencil and only barely keeping his clipboard from being dropped as well.
"B-Bob? I can explain! I can explain everything!"
"No worries, Phil!" I shouted merrily, walking up to him and giving him a hearty slap on the back, "we're men, right?"
"...Right." Phil responded.
"Then I completely understand!"
"You... You do?"
"Yes, of course! Why wouldn't I?"
"You mean, you don't think I'm..."
"Unprofessional? Nah, of course not."
"...Really?"
"Of course!" I exclaimed, "why would I ever judge you as a man for wanting to send yourself into a world with..."
I looked away from Phil, noticing the flora and fauna of my surroundings. It looked like flash animation, if I wasn't mistaken, with pastel colors everywhere. If I knew anything about anime, this was not, if anything, anime.
"Phil." I said. "where are we."
"...Um..." Phil stammered.
"Phil." I said again, "we're not in a hentai, are we."
"...Well, you see... Ah... I can... Explain?" Phil struggled to say.
In a fit of desperation, I turned to Phil and grasped him by the shoulders, burning insanity in my eyes. "Where. Are. We. Phil."
"Eh... Eh... Equestria"
"Phil. A little... A little louder, please, I couldn't hear you."
"It's Eh... Eh..."
"Spit it out, Phil, where are we."
Phil sighed. "We're in... Equestria."
...
"What."
"Equestria."
...
"What do you mean we're in Equestria!"
"Well, I..."
"What, let me guess, we're in some magical world too, aren't we?"
"Well, if you'd let me expla-"
"Oh, and what next? This is all in My Little Pony or something?"
Phil stared back at me with this... this sheepish looking face. Several moments passed, until it finally dawned on me.
"No. It can't be." I rationalized.
He kept staring at me.
"No, no, no. We're not in... My Little Pony, you're just... you're just teasing me that's all, I mean, there's no way that you... that I... that... that... that we're in a TV show for... prepu... prepubescent... girls..."
For the first time in my life, I began to feel... Hysterical. Out of my wits.
"...Bob, I... I keep the first season of My Little Pony in a hentai disc cover so that... so that no one would suspect that I watch My Little Pony."
I gaped at him. I gaped at him for what felt like an eternity.
{And now, for a conniption observed...}
"What... WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU KEEP THE FIRST SEASON OF MY LITTLE FRICKING PONY IN A HENTAI DISC COVER?"
"Bob, I-"
"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? WERE YOU JUST BORN YESTERDAY? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS TO YOU, YOUR PARENTS, AND YOUR ANCESTORS?"
"Bob-"
"YOU'RE A DISGRACE! MAY YOUR FAMILY FORGET YOU IN SHAME FOR WATCHING A TELEVISION SHOW-"
"Bob-"
"-FOR LITTLE... FOR LITTLE GIRLS-"
"Bob, if you'd let me expla-"
"NO! NO! YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN ANYTHING! DO YOU HEAR THAT? DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? THAT'S YOUR FOREFATHERS-"
"Bob-"
"-TURNING IN THEIR... FUCKING GRAVES-"
"Bob, if you'd please just listen to-"
"-BECAUSE THEIR CHILD GREW TO BE A DISGRACE TO HUMAN NATURE-"
"If you'd just-"
"-BECAUSE HE SITS IN HIS OWN HOME WATCHING A TV SHOW FOR FOUR TO EIGHT YEAR OLD GIRLS!"
"Please, Bob, just listen to me for one sec-"
"AND NOW, HOHOHO, NOW, BECAUSE OF YOU, I'M IN A FUCKING PREPUBESCENT GIRL'S TELEVISION SERIAL!"
I took a deep breath, my face as red as a tomato, as I tried to realize what was going on.
"That's it," I said, "I'm leaving."
"Bob-"
"No, I'm leaving, I'm telling your family you're gay, and I'm pressing charges against you for pedophilia."
"Bob-"
I walked up to the parallel universe projector which I had just walked through, but there was a problem. The gateway was not causing a rippling distortion, and it wasn't glowing blue either.
"Phil." I said. "I'm seeing a problem with this machine. What's wrong with it."
"It's what I've been trying to tell you the whole time, Bob-"
"Phil, buddy." I said, feeling slightly frantic, "why is the gateway on the machine not operating."
"Well, you see Bob, I forgot to add a slight change to the parallel universe projector before using it to take me to Equestria, and because of that-"
"Get to the point, Phil."
"Well, you see-"
I turned around and grabbed Phil by the shoulders again, my face red as a rose, as a frantically tried to get the truth out of Phil by saying
"Phil, why is the gateway not working."
"...There's no electricity in Equestria, Bob. The parallel universe projector only worked with electricity, and I forgot to insert the batteries to the machine. It's only been plugged in back at the lab."
I stared at him, trying to rationalize what he was saying; understand what he was inferring.
"No." I said, losing my mind.
He nodded his head silently. Yes.
"No no no, no." I said, trying to change reality be saying that two letter word.
"Bob," Phil set his hand on my shoulder, "you and I are trapped in Equestria."
I let go of his shoulders, my hands hanging limply beside me.
"No. no... NO! YOU IDIOT! YOU, YOU, YOU NUMBSKULL! YOU FUCKING NUMBSKULL! YOU MEAN WE'RE TRAPPED HERE FOREVER IN A TELEVISION SHOW FOR LITTLE GIRLS?"
He didn't answer me, he just stared, probably feeling sorry for me.
"But, but, but JUSTICE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN TO ME, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN TO YOU!"
I shouted the words helplessly as he watched me give in to my own emotional meltdown, right before his eyes.
"AND THE PRESIDENT WAS GOING TO GIVE ME HIS OWN PERSONAL REGARD FOR IT TOO! BUT ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR... YOUR... RETARDED, PONY-LOVING DISPOSITION, I'M STUCK HERE, IN A TV SHOW ABOUT PONIES AND TEA PARTIES, AND ITS ALL BECAUSE OF YOU! YOU! DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU!"
Phil walked up to me and proceeded to give me a man hug. "It's okay, bro, I've already got a plan."
Of course, I jerked out of his sickly hug, screaming "GET YOUR GAY LITTLE HANDS OFF OF ME!"
"Alright, man, alright, no need to get upset."
"upset? UPSET? YOU THINK THIS IS UPSET? WHY DON'T YOU TRY SPENDING THE REST OF YOUR LIFETIME IN A WATERED-DOWN TELEVISION SHOW WHICH IS TWENTY TIMES DUMBER THAN YOU ARE, THEN YOU'LL KNOW WHAT UPSET REALLY MEANS!"
My eyes began to twitch, my body began to shake, and I finally fell to my knees, feeling more sorry for myself than ever before.
"And I was going to go out drinking with the guys this Saturday!" I sobbed, face puffy from my angst-ridden screaming. I was probably the sorriest sight on Earth... Or, not Earth per se, not in this situation...
"Bob, all we need to do is find Twilight Sparkle, and I'm sure she can help us get our parallel universe projector up and running again-"
"TWILIGHT... DID YOU JUST SAY TWILIGHT SPARKLE?" I growled, steam shooting out of my ears, "HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FAMILY JEWELS? DID THEY CUT THEM OFF AND PUT THEM ON DISPLAY ON YOUR LITTLE MLP FORUMS? BE A MAN, PHIL!"
Needless to say, Phil was the only other man like me in... Equestria. I... felt like I could relate to him, the best. Because every other living thing in Equestria was going to be either sparkly little villains in the forest, and brain-dead ponies everywhere. I needed to relate to Phil on a manly level, somehow, someway, in some... lost effort.
Wait.
My brain wasn't registering. What was I thinking? Relating to a brony... on a manly level? Did I go insane? Was I losing it? No, I wasn't gonna break. Neither he, nor some girly TV show was going to make me go insane. Ohoho, not today, not today.
Phil just looked back at me disapprovingly for my remark. That's it. I had it.
"No, I'm not going with you, and I'm not going to "Twilighty Sparkly" for advice," I said, almost maniacally, "I am going to go out there, on my own, and harness my own electricity, so I can power the parallel universe projector myself, and when I do, I'm going to go straight back to my world, and tell everyone how you violated my very masculinity by forcing me to live the rest of my days in the world of My Little Pony!"
"Suit yourself," Phil said, as he began to walk away.
"Oh yeah?" I responded, feeling angry at how he could just walk away from me like that, "I'll show you, Phil, oh, I'll show you alright, and the President himself - no - the world itself will recognize my efforts to protect the meaning of what it means to be a man, and I'll be awarded the nobel prize, I tell you, THE NOBEL PRIZE!"
Phil finally disappeared in the underbrush of the forest. I began to hear the sounds of bugs buzzing in the air, bats chirping in the treetops. With a final yell, I took a twig and threw it at where Phil had just left a moment before.
"Oh, it is on." I said to myself, under my breath.