The Wizzard and the Pony
Rincewind felt mildly betrayed. His traveling companions were all gathered round a long dining table, calmly discussing the events that had led them to that point over a dinner procured from the mysterious cottage's fully stocked larder. A fire was burning merrily away in a fireplace at one end of the room. Absolutely nobody was in a blind state of panic. It just wasn't right.
"Something bothering you, my boy?"
He looked across the table at Star Swirl, who watched him inquisitively. "Well, yes," he admitted. "Frankly, I'm scared out of my robes right now, and I'm wondering why I seem to be the only one!"
The Librarian laid a placating, leathery hand on his shoulder. "Ook," he said, and Rincewind winced.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I don't mean to yell, but it's just... I mean, first there was the whole freak cold weather in the middle of Summer Two thing, then breaking the Princesses out of slavery, and the fight right after that, then the bit with Star Swirl almost dying, and then the troll attack, and, well, I'm just wondering if we really have the time for a nice supper is all!"
Star Swirl smiled. "I'm quite all right now, Rincewind," he said. "All of that is behind us."
"Indeed," said Luna. "You were very brave tonight."
"Very brave," said Celestia. "We can't possibly thank you enough for what you've done."
"But it's not over!" cried Rincewind.
"Of course it's not," said Conina, gnawing at a largeish bird leg. The rubbery meat was proving difficult to chew, but not unpalateable. "Look, Rincewind, you've been through enough adventures--"
"That's just my point!" Rincewind cried. "I've been through enough adventures! I don't want any more! They're terrible!"
"Well," said Conina, "yes, I suppose."
Nijel put on his bravest face, and inwardly Rincewind groaned. "If they weren't terrible," he said, "there would be no need for heroes to go on them."
"I'm no hero," said Rincewind, and then, coldly added, "and neither are you." With that, he stormed off towards one of the two bedrooms and shut himself in.
* * * * *
Lord Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, sat in surprising comfort in his chambers. The strange garb provided by Arch Chancellor Ridcully was doing a fantastic job of keeping him warm, he had to admit, even if it did look, frankly, ridiculous. Fortunately, his formidable* reputation kept anyone from commenting on his appearance.
"Report," he said with a disdainful glance at the page who'd just entered his chambers. Ridcully gave him a reproachful look.**
"Keep it friendly," the wizard reminded him under his breath.
"...if you please," Vetinari added, each word feeling slightly more bilious than the last.
"Preparations for the party are well underway, M'Lud," the page said. "We've had no luck just yet finding the right musical entertainment, but the Major Domo has some people chasing down rumours in the hopes of locating a performing group that was quite popular not too long ago."
"Excellent," Vetinari said, steepling his hands. Perhaps, he mused, the gesture wasn't the most friendly he could have managed, but one had to admit it had a certain style that suited him. "And refreshments?"
"There's a fellow at the entrance would like to talk to you about that, M'Lud."
Vetinari smiled. "By all means, do send him up," he said.
"Erm," said the page. "He's a bit, erm... rough, if you take my meaning sir."
"Are you suggesting I should fear this person?" The Patrician's smile grew as cold as the air outside his now-magically-reinforced windows, and the page swallowed fearfully.
"By no means, sir," he stammered. "I was just, erm... He's..." The page shrugged. "It's Dibbler, M'Lud."
Vetinari frowned, feeling a bit of a headache coming on. "Tell Mr. Dibbler," he said, enunciating carefully, "that we will not be using his exclusive services during this celebration."
Ridcully coughed slightly, prompting Havelock Vetinari to roll his eyes and continue.
"However," he said, "neither will he be restricted from peddling his wares, either."
The page nodded, and scurried out of the room as soon as the Patrician's attention turned away from him.
"Better, Mustrum?" Vetinari asked when the two were alone.
"Marginally," the Arch Chancellor of Unseen University said with a sigh. "Marginally better."
* Many would say "terrifying".
** Being a straightforward, direct sort of person, Mustrum Ridcully would normally be hopelessly out of his depth in dealing with a twisted mind like Vetinari's. In the Arch Chancellor's favour, however, was the fact that Vetinari was, in fact, out of his depth in dealing with a person as straightforward and direct as Ridcully. Such personalities were beyond rare in Ankh-Morpork.
Rincewind did not toss and turn that night. He was, in fact, too scared to. From all over the cottage came the sounds of snoring. People, ponies, an orang-outan, and the Luggage, all blissfully asleep. Not he, however. His nerves were too tightly wound. He considered pacing back and forth, but he knew that he would not stop there.
First would be the pacing, then walking, then the running, and there would be no going back from there. He would never be able to face any of them again.
When had he grown so concerned with what others thought of him?
He was a coward. He knew that. He owned it. He wore his cowardice with as much pride as his robe and wizard's hat. At least, up until that night, he had done.
Now, however, it filled him with an emotion he'd never really taken the time to properly experience before. A sort of combination of fear and depression that, he admitted, seemed very much like his usual behavior, except in some subtle way different.
Hullo, he thought at the emotion. What are you?
Shame, an inner voice told him dully.
Really? he thought, surprised. I rather suspected I didn't have you.
Well, you have, his shame replied. You've quite a bit to be ashamed of, you know.
Do tell, he thought drily, and to his dawning horror, it did.
You're a coward, his shame said.
Well, he thought, but I'm alive, aren't I?
You're filthy.
Fancy a bath in the Ankh, do we?
You've got little to no morals.
Rincewind frowned. Can't afford them, he thought. Morals only get in the way on the rough streets of Morkpork.
Oh? his shame replied, cruelly. Fancy yourself street-hardened, do you? You're a joke, Rincewind. Rincewind the Never-Wazard, that's who you are. Can't cast a spell to save his life, or anyone else's either for that matter.
Oh, so it's about that, is it?
Course it is, his shame said. You've finally got friends, Rincewind, not that you deserve any, and what do you do? Lead them from one fight into another, nearly get one killed, and what do you do about it? Nothing!
I know! Rincewind snarled. I know, all right?! I'm bloody useless, but what would you have me do?
There was a long silence within his mind.
Better, his shame said sternly. That's what I'd have you do. Better.
You're in the wrong bloody mind, mate, Rincewind thought back at it, and, wedging himself into a corner, finally drifted off to sleep.
* * * * *
Discord grinned. Things were coming along, he thought. He'd made mistakes, yes, but those were over and done with. His armies were advancing on one of the two greatest threats to his conquest of this world, and he would soon deal with the other.
The Ice Giants had been remarkably easy to manipulate. It hadn't taken any magic at all, merely goading. They advanced inexorably towards Ankh Morpork, which, thanks to the delightfully malicious spirits he'd found racing through the Disc's atmosphere, they would find rather hospitable.
The only things left were those ridiculous pony "princesses". The large one was out of the question, he decided. Too stolid. Too predictable. But the smaller one was still young enough to mold into something quite other. Much as he himself had been molded into something other than he had been. The transformation was complete, and none too soon.
He stretched out his serpentine body, grinning even wider. The Ice Giants would strive to bring order to the Disc, he realized, but they would only succeed in confusing things still further. In the end, chaos would reign. He would reign.
"It's been quite long enough," he told himself. "The trap is surely sprung. Time to collect my prize."
* * * * *
Rincewind was unsurprised to find himself a pony in a land of ponies. Ponies of every colour frolicked through verdant hills. His good friend Star Swirl was just ahead, eager to introduce him to the Unicorn Kingdom's council of wizards, where he would take his place among the learned and powerful.
Luna had gone ahead, but no matter. With the Luggage and Star Swirl at his side, he knew he would catch up in no time at all. Every pony in pony land was eager to hear his tale, Star Swirl had told him. Every pony wanted to hear about Rincewind the Brave, and how he had used his mighty magic to triumph over the Windigoes.
"Will you get a move on!" Star Swirl called out.
"Coming," he caroled.
"Come on, Rincewind," another pony said, and the world shook slightly. "This is no time for lollygagging!"
"Nijel?" Rincewind goggled at the stocky earth pony. "You're a pony, too!"
"Bloody hell," a dangerous-eyed pegasus pony mare growled. "He's lost what few marbles he already had!"
"No, I'm not!" Rincewind objected. "I'm perfectly fine!"
Star Swirl grinned at him, nodding, but the next words he said didn't match his expression at all. "He's not insane," the elderly unicorn said. "He's dreaming!"
The pegasus, exasperated, seized him in her hooves and began shaking. "Wake up, you useless idiot!" she yelled in his face.
"There's no need to yell, Conina," he said, beginning to get upset. "I'm perfectly fine and wide awake."
"You are not fine," Star Swirl said with a friendly smile. "You are not awake, and Luna has been abducted!"
"Don't be ridiculous," Rincewind said. "She's just gone on ahead."
"Gone on ahead where?" Celestia asked. Though her manner was casual, her tone was direct and quite forceful.
"Why, to the Unicorn Kingdom, of course," Rincewind said. "Don't worry, Celestia, we'll catch up in no time!"
Another unicorn trotted up to him, red with an orange mane, and examined him. "Ook," it said after a moment.
"Enchanted? Me?" Rincewind scoffed. "I don't know what you lot are going on about."
"I'm afraid so," Star Swirl said with a wink and a grin. "It's quite a piece of work. I'd admire it if the situation wasn't so dire."
Rincewind looked around again. "Dire?" The ponies continued to frolic in the grassy fields, with no sign of concern. There was nothing around that could be described as dire, at least as far as he could see. Finally, he shrugged and laughed. "Okay," he said. "Joke's gone on long enough, ponies."
"It's no joke," Nijel said, trotting over to stand beside the pegasus that Rincewind realized had to be Conina. "What is wrong with you?"
"It's a dream spell," said Star Swirl knowingly, then stuck his tongue out at Rincewind with another wink. "Quite a clever one. I've never seen anything like it!"
"I have," Celestia replied, before doing a loop-the-loop for the sheer joy of flying. "The last time my sister and I tried to escape from Isrim, she cast a similar spell on our guards."
Rincewind frowned. "Look," he said, "all that's behind us now."
"No," Conina said, matching Celestia's loop-the-loop and adding a corkscrew for good measure, "it's not. It's right here and right now and we need your bloody help you useless idiot!"
* * * * *
Star Swirl looked over at the large, pearly-white alicorn. "This is getting ridiculous," he said, gesturing with his horn at where Rincewind was enthusiastically gumming at the comforter on his bed. "I believe the fellow thinks he's grazing!"
"Why didn't anyone tell me grass was so delicious?!" Rincewind cried out.
"We could just knock him out," Conina offered, "and worry about it later."
The Luggage moved between her and the wizard, opening its lid threateningly.
"Easy," she said. "It was just a suggestion."
"If you've seen this before," Star Swirl said hopefully to Celestia, "I don't suppose you could do anything about it?"
Celestia nodded. "You might," she said as her hide began to glow, "wish to avert your eyes."