//------------------------------// // ...What We Need... // Story: Progress // by The Wizard of Words //------------------------------// It… It was a long time before I stopped crying. I didn’t care though, I couldn’t care. I was a danger to everypony around me, even more so to anypony that I knew. I had broken Twilight with just a gift. If I spent too long with somepony else… I-I don’t want to think about what could happen. No, I’ll just stay up here in the clouds, far away from everything else. Fluttershy wouldn’t want to fly up here, she rarely does, and only Twi… only T-Twilight…. I’m crying again. My wings raised themselves over my head, my hooves too heavy to lift themselves. I’m tired, but I still have the energy to cry, to hate myself, and I want to thank Celestia for it. It’s what I deserve after what I’ve done. Taking the strongest mare in all of Equestria and… and making her… Now I’m sobbing. My chest aches and cries with me, pain coursing through its abused muscles. I’m not mad about it. I deserve it. Just I deserve anything that hurts me. If this cloud just disappeared beneath my hooves I’d deserve falling straight to the ground, wings be damned. Wouldn’t that just be better for everypony? If I was gone? I already destroyed one of my friends, who’s to say I wouldn’t do the same to the others? Hay, I tried pranking Fluttershy once, and I only stopped because Pinkie told me, Pinkie! That mare tries to throw parties at funerals, but she’s the one who has to remind me that one of my oldest friends would probably cry at any pank I threw at her? I-It’s not like I’d try and hurt my friends, I just would. I didn’t try to hurt Twilight, but I did. I wanted to make her laugh, earn a giggle, maybe even just give her something she never expected. Now look what I’ve done. No, I deserve to be alone forever, away from all my friends, if I can even call them that. The further I am from them, the safer they’ll be. That’s what needs to happen. I’ll… I’ll move back to Cloudsdale, I’ll change my name, hay, I’ll dye my… I’ll dye my mane and tail. I’ll hide for the rest of my life, away from everypony I know. That would be perfect. But… then what? I couldn’t avoid other ponies forever. I’d have to talk to others eventually, to buy a new house, food, a job… everything. I’d hurt one of them too. Just… Just by trying to help, I’d hurt them. I’m a danger to everypony, I know I am. So I’ll just stay here. I’ll just… I’ll just stay here forever. Up in a cloud, far away from town, no pony will find me. Besides, I can outfly them, I… I can run away from any pony that tries to come near me. But for now… I’ll just drown in my tears. My body is so cold, probably because I have such a cold soul. There really isn’t any other reason for it. How could I let myself hurt one of my friends like this unless I wanted to? Some part of me, big or small, must have wanted to hurt Twilight. It just took me awhile to realize it. I’m a threat to all of my friends because of that. Just a monster that’s one hoof away from hurting them in some unforgivable way. For all I know, I’ve already tried before. I’ll just stay here. I’ll stay far away from everypony. That’s what matters. That’s all that matters. I fell asleep praying for nightmares. Not a single dream came to me in my rest, something I almost felt the need to whine about. I needed to be tortured, to be taught a lesson. I needed something like that to happen. How else was I supposed to learn how horrible I am? Knowing isn’t enough, I have to feel it. I have to experience exactly what happened to Twilight. But that didn’t happen. Instead, I just drifted in nothing for a few hours, half a day, or for however long it was, I don’t know. I don’t care to know. It doesn’t matter to me. “...the fields?” I froze up at the voice. That was a pony. That wasn’t me. There was some pony close to me. That wasn’t okay, that was bad. The closer other ponies were to me, the closer they were to being hurt. That was bad, that was really bad. “How in the hay did she get all the way out there?” I felt a chill crawl down my spine again. That wasn’t just somepony. I knew that pony. I knew both ponies. Their voices were more than just familiar to me. “I don’t know, darling. I don’t. All I know is what I told you. She was found in a puddle of water up on that cloud. It’s a wonder alone that Cloud Kicker’s harsh voice didn’t wake the poor girl.” I felt my throat go dry. My eyes stayed shut as I stretched out one of my hooves, feeling for anything close to me. I felt something slide over my leg the further my hoof stretched outwards, probably some kind of blanket. It stopped when I felt the edges of some kind of wooden frame. I was in a bed. Not my bed and not the cloud I was on before. “Dash!” I heard another horribly familiar voice, this time calling right to me. I strained my eyes open, fighting the dry tears that caked them shut. Blurs and shapes met my vision, a lot of pink, a lot of white, some orange and yellow. “Are you alright Dashie. Are you okay?” “Wha-?” I spoke in a broken whisper. My eyes started to blink, faster and faster until I could see everything in the room. They were all there. Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy. All of my best friends. All ponies that I could hurt, at any moment, at any time, with any action I do. No… No. No No No No No No No No! “Stay back!” I shout it as loud as my hoarse voice will allow. I almost felt blood pool in my throat as I did. My legs kicked at the blankets on me, throwing them off with a pathetic amount of force. Pinkie jumped away from me, a look of terror on her face. Not even awake for a minute and I was already starting to break them. I had to leave. I had to get out of here. Now! My wings flared to give me flight… …and a let out a gasp of pain. “Stop her!” I felt hooves on me before I heard the voice call to me. They were pushing me down, trying to hold me down. Why? Why did they want me here? Didn’t they see what I just did to Pinkie? I spoke a word and almost made her cry. If I was here for too long… No, I won’t let that happen again. I can’t! “Let me go!” I cried again, ignoring the searing pain that came with it. “Get off me! Get off me! Get off me! Get off me! Get off me!” They wouldn’t. Every time I screamed, yelled, or cried, they only held me down harder. It was pathetic. I couldn’t fight them, any of them. The one way I knew I could protect them and I couldn’t do it. I just had to leave, I had to run away. The further away I am, the safer they’ll be. Why won’t they let me run? Why won’t they let me protect them? “What’s wrong with her!?” “Let me go!” “Ah don’t know!” “Let me go!” “Please stop Dashie. Please stop.” “Let me go!” Why won’t they let me go? Why can’t I just fly away? Why won’t they let me protect them? This isn’t fair, I know what I have to do, but they won’t let me do it. “Rainbow….” I whipped my head to see Fluttershy. Oh Celestia, Fluttershy… She was crying. “Please stop Rainbow.” I’m hurting them again. Just by trying to leave I’m hurting them. What… What can I do? I have to leave, I have to get out of here, but… but just trying to does this? What am I supposed to do?! Anything I do hurts them, even trying to leave them alone! I’m crying again. “P-Please.” I’m begging them, beneath four sets of hooves, held down to a bed, and crying like the filly I am, I beg them. “Please let me go.” They just have to let me get away from them. The further I am from them, the better. That’s all that matters now. They’ll be safer. “We will.” I look right into Applejack’s eyes as she says that. She’s close to crying to. I’m hurting all of them, just like Twilight. “We will let ya go Rainbow, just…” She swallowed on something, I don’t know what. “Just tell us wha’ happened?” I can feel my breath quicken, my fur stand on end. My cracked and probably bleeding throat is tightening itself. Good. Maybe I’ll choke myself to death before I have to tell them. I can’t hurt them. I can’t. Not anymore than I already have. “Rainbow, dear,” I look at Rarity, holding my foreleg down. “You were found out in the field’s behind Fluttershy’s house. Cloud Kicker found you on her cloud patrol. You wouldn’t wake up for a single thing. It was only by luck Fluttershy was home and took you in. You’ve been asleep for nearly an entire day.” A day, an entire day doing nothing at all. Not flying, not talking, not moving, and barely breathing. That’s perfect. When I do nothing, I don’t hurt anyone. The less I do, the better. But… but I’m awake now… I can’t do nothing anymore, not while all my… not while they’re looking down at me. “Dashie, please!” Pinkie’s hair isn’t bouncing. It’s not flat against her head, but I can tell that just one wrong word and she’ll start crying. That would make three. Fluttershy, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie. Rarity wouldn’t be too far behind. I have to get out of here. “J-Just let me go.” I only feel their hooves press on me harder. “I-It’s my fault, it’s all my fault!” “What is? What’s yer fault Rainbow?” How come she didn’t know? Wasn’t it obvious? Wasn’t it easy to see? “I broke Twilight!” I felt them lean off of me. Good. I pushed from the bed as fast as I could, jumping to the floor beneath me. My hooves and muscles screamed in protest, but I ignored them. The more I hurt the better. But not my friends, not them. I’ve hurt them too much, I’ve already broken one. I can’t be here anymore. I just can’t! I push for the door, so close to freedom. It slams shut in front of me. Rarity is just beside the door, wearing a glare I have only seen a few times before. I deserve that glare. I deserve every bit of rage she has in it. “Rainbow Dash.” She speaks my name slowly and so very lowly. “What in Equestria has you so… flustered?” No, not flustered, terrified. I’m terrified, can’t they see at least that? I’m a danger, I’m a hazard? The longer I’m here the closer I am to hurting them! I have to leave, but they won’t let me. Why not! “We heard what you said Dash. What do you mean you broke Twilight? What happened?” This was bad, this was really really bad. “Just… Just let me go.” I didn’t think it would work, but I had to try. I had to leave. “Calm down girl,” Applejack speaks to me. I lower my muzzle to the ground, hiding myself from them. It isn’t helping, but it isn’t hurting. ”From the top now Dash.” I hear her speak slowly to me, no doubt leaning close to me in the hopes of getting me to talk. She was only hurting herself. But… but if I told them, maybe they’d let me go. I had to. I have to. If… If it means they hate me then, even better. “I…” The words choked in my throat, swelling until they threatened to kill me. It would honestly be a genuine wish of mine. “I t-talked to… to T-Twi.” If there were tears left, I knew I would be sobbing. Instead, all I felt was the cool air against my still damp fur. “What in Sam hill are ya’ll talkin’ about?” Of course they didn’t know. They wouldn’t know that right away. They wouldn’t believe it. “I-I talked to her, spoke to her. Sh-She told me everything.” My teeth were clenched tight enough to shatter stone. I almost wanted to try. If I was lucky, I’d break my jaw. “Rainbow…” That was Fluttershy, I knew it was. “What happened?” “Y-You want to know?” I ask the question with all the hope I have left. I know that after I tell them, they’ll hate me. They’ll despise me, spit on me, maybe even break me. I deserve that. A friend who was never a friend to the truest of friends, that’s me. I deserve to be forgotten. “I’ll tell you.” So I told them everything. I gave Twilight the book to record her journal in. I told her that she should use it like a diary. Iencouraged her to continue that list of hers. I brushed off the signs of distress until it was too late. I agreed with her in the end. Everything is my fault, just like she said. She may be broken, but she’s broken because of me. It’s all my fault. A blessed silence filled the air around us after I finished. None of them said anything. I didn’t even here a hoof fall or ear twitch in the quietness. If I was lucky, they were going to get pitchforks ready, maybe even thinking of the worst possible way to hurt me. I’d deserve anything they could come up with. All that and more. Maybe they’d ask the princesses for help. Breaking the precious student of the highest power in Equestria, why not have her bring the beat down on me? She sent her beloved sister to the moon for a thousand years, I’m sure she’d keep me on the sun for a few eons. Wouldn’t that be perfect? Spending the rest of existence burning in a ball of fire I can’t escape? That’s the best kind of torture for someone like me. “So... Twilight is… catatonic?” That was Rarity. I knew it was Rarity. I just… I just wish it was a different kind of Rarity. The one that could buck a manticore, that one. She’s the one I wanted right now. I deserved a good buck to the face from her. “We gotta help her!” That was Pinkie Pie, probably the only pony I can imagine cutting me up. Maybe she’d start with my wings. I took Twilight’s faith, so Pinkie would take my wings. It wouldn’t be enough, but it would be a start. “B-But… how?” Must have been Fluttershy, because I could barely hear her. My face in the dirt and ears against my head, it was amazing I could hear anything at all. “Dash,” Applejack was speaking down to me now, directionally. I wish she was mad at me. I’d deserve every bit of her rage. “One of us has ta talk ta Twi again, ya know. This ain’t one of her usual rants. She’s gotta have a friend now.” “I-I know,” my voice trembles again. Twilight needs a friend, a good friend, an honest friend. Not me, not a… betrayer. “S-So go on. Go see her, please. She’ll listen to you.” I keep my eyes trained on the ground. Maybe if I stare at the dirt long enough, I’d be able to phase through it, bury myself. That would be good. Not great, but good. “Ah already tried Dash.” The urge is definitely there to look up at her, ask what she means, but I don’t. I can’t. I don’t deserve to know. “Dash, dear,” I hear Rarity speak to me now, resting a hoof on my back. My fur bristles at the contact. The only reason I don’t move away is from a lack of energy. I’ve been crying for too long. “Do you honestly think we would not have already tried to see Twilight? The poor dear has been so cooped up in her home, we were all nervous, not forgetting the horrendous state she was in before.” What… what was she saying? “Did… Did you see her?” I ask the question carefully, eyes still focusing on the ground, resting on my hooves. The smaller I am, the better I am. “Like, did you go in to see her?” “We tried Dashie, we all tried real hard to.” That was Pinkie, I didn’t even have to guess. “But we just couldn’t! No matter how many times I tried to open her bedroom door, it wouldn’t budge at all. It was shut tighter than the cabinet with sugar after hours. Twilight wouldn’t even answer me when I called, and I offered her every sweet I had.” My jaw trembled as my vision blurred. “I-It wasn’t like we gave up.” That was Fluttershy. I felt her right next to me when she spoke. She was probably trying to make me feel better. Why? It would be better if she tried to make me feel worse. “It’s just that, oh no matter what we did she wouldn’t answer us. We only knew she was in there at all because the door was locked.” “Don’t ya see girl?” Applejack spoke to me again, trying to get me to talk. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. Not until they told me it was my fault, not until they asked me why I did this. Then I’d beg for them to forgive me and they’d refuse. That’s how it should go, that’s what should happen. I don’t deserve to be forgiven. “N-No…” I muttered weakly. Maybe that would get them to insult me, to blame me. All they have to do is realize that this really is my fault. All of it. So… then they’d leave me alone. I feel Rarity snake her leg around my neck, trying to pull me into a hug. I stiffen, pulling my shoulders close to me. I thought Fluttershy would do this, but I knew that at least one of them would try this. It doesn’t matter though. They can do what they want. It won’t change anything. “It has to be you Dash.” I jerked away from them immediately. “No way!” I shouted with all the strength I had. “No! She hates me! I hate me! T-There’s no way I can do that!” Tears were falling from my eyes again. I knew they were. I didn’t have to feel my fur dampen to know that they were there. “There’s no one else that can do this.” I’ve only heard Fluttershy speak like that a few times, and those were mostly bad times. “She needs you, more than anypony else.” “Why not!?” I yelled at her. I knew I did. Fluttershy can’t stand ponies yelling at her, let alone talking to her. It would hurt her. I would hurt her, just like I knew I would anyway. But… she didn’t. She just looked at me with pity. Why pity? I deserved anger, or rage, maybe at least fear. Not… not pity. “Because you’re the only pony who could talk to her silly. None of us could get that far.” This wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t just one of them talk. I couldn’t argue with them all at once. “But it’s my fault!” Why won’t they see that? It’s as clear as the sky above my bucking head, but they act like it’s impossible. Why? Why is it so impossible to believe that I’m a monster? “No it ain’t Dash, never was.” Applejack spoke next, sighing as she gave me a hard look. I wouldn’t mind that, I wouldn’t, except she wasn’t angry at me. She should be! Can’t she see this is my fault? Can’t any of them? “Yes! It! Is!” I shouted again, hooves slamming against the ground with every word. “I gave Twilight that book! I told her to keep a journal! I let her destroy herself!” I gasped for breath as words got caught in my throat, tears falling faster from my eyes. It hurt, oh Celestia it hurt so much. I want them to scream at me now, tell me that I’m right. Why can’t they do that? “Are you okay Dash?” What was she asking? Was Pinkie seriously asking me that? I feel my face morph into a scowl, my pink eyes almost red with fury. “No!” I shouted as loud as I could at her, staring right into her eyes as I did so. She didn’t flinch. “One of my best friends is torturing herself in her room because of a book I gave her, I’m a threat to all my friends with every word that I say, and you all just keep hounding me!” Now she would cry, start to raise her lips and bawl right in front of me. That would show them, that’d show all of them just how bad I am. “Isn’t that our fault?” My eyes screw themselves as my brow furrows. What the hay does she mean by that? “Weren’t you listening you cotton-maned ditz! It’s all my fault!” “I’m not asking about Twilight silly willy.” She was smiling at me again. Why in the hay is she still smiling? “I’m asking about you.” “For the last bucking time, it’s all my fault!” Just shut up Pinkie, just shut up! “But you were all sad and in the dumps when we found you. Now you’re acting like a big meanie pants. Is it our fault that you’re so mad at us?” I open my mouth to scream at her again, to tell her off for thinking she understood me, but I can’t. Something, some word that she said, was stuck in my mind. I’m not just mad, I’m pissed off, but… but it’s not their fault… it’s mine. It’s all my fault. So… why did Pinkie think it was her fault? “Twilight is all mopey as dopey right now, and yeah, it’s because of that bad book you gave her.” That’s what I wanted to her. It’s what I wanted them to say since the beginning. But… why is she still talking. “But that doesn’t mean it’s your fault.” “Then whose fault is it?” I don’t need to scream anymore. I’m too confused. It’s my fault; I know it’s my fault. Breaking Twilight, getting mad at my friends, that’s all my fault. “Dash, its Twilight’s fault.” I could feel the air being sucked from my lungs. “W-W-What…” The word came out as more of a gasp than a question. I’m breathless after speaking it, my hooves crumbling beneath me. “You weren’t grumpy when we showed up here Dashie.” Pinkie started to explain to me, acting for the entire world like she was talking about a day with the Cake Twins. “Yeah, you were feeling pretty sad, but you weren’t mad at us, or yourself. You just felt bad, super duper bad.” That’s because I am bad. “But you started yelling at us when we tried to talk to you. You were yelling because you were mad at us, maybe even a teensy weensy bit at yourself.” That’s because I should be mad at myself. “That’s not a whole lot different than what happened to Twilight.” “I-I don’t… I-I-” A wet hiccup cuts off my rambling words. “You didn’t do anything to hurt Twilight. You were just being a good friend, and you are one of the bestest friends a pony could have in all of Equestria.” That’s a lie, can’t she realize that. “You would never hurt one of your friends, ever.” But I did! “All you did was give a gift to Twilight, something that you thought would be super duper good. It’s not your fault that she’s all gloomy now.” “Why?” I’m not hesitating to ask it. “Why do you keep saying that? It’s my fault because I-” “Duh!” Pinkie says less than a hoof away from my face. “Cause you didn’t do anything! I mean, did you tell Twilight she was a failure at everything she does?” I felt a surge of anger towards those words. “No!” “Then why do you keep blaming yourself?” “Because I gave her everything she needed to destroy herself!” “And the Cakes give me an oven to cook with. That doesn’t mean it’s their fault when I burn a fresh batch of cookies.” “That’s-” I couldn’t think of a response. I couldn’t even follow her logic! “That’s completely different!” “Nope! Not really.” “Darling,” Rarity speaks to me as she approaches me again, far more hesitant than before. Good. “Pinkie Pie is absolutely correct. You’re no more at fault for what happened to Twilight then… why no more than I’m at fault for a client ripping the dress I made them. Provided, yes it doubtlessly couldn’t have happened if I didn’t make the gown at all, but it’s not as if I could have seen it coming.” “The same fer if I find a bad apple in a tree.” Applejack spoke up next. She’s a blur through my tears when I look at her. “Ah planted and cared for them trees, but it ain’t no fault of mine if I find one ‘er two bad apples in a bundle.” “We all do what we think is best Rainbow.” My mane nearly whips my face when I turn to Fluttershy. “You can’t blame yourself for what happened to Twilight.” “B-But-” I try to speak again, but I can’t. My throat is so tight, it’s almost choking me. My tears are thick, they’re close to drowning me. “It’s not your fault, Dash.” I feel a cold fire in my throat, trying to suffocate me. “It never was.” She’s hugging me. She’s holding me so close. I don’t move. I don’t think. I just cry. I wrap my hooves around her harder than I ever pushed my wings in flight, gripping Fluttershy like the last lifeline in my terrible broken life. My face pushes itself into her coat, muffling my voice as I let it tear my throat apart. It burns. It hurts! Fluttershy lets her hoof run down my back, trying to soothe me as I rip myself apart. It was unfair. It was all so unfair. She’s trying to speak to me, trying to calm me down, but my voice drowns her out, even muffled in the coat of her fur. Was it really not my fault? Was… was all of this for nothing? I don’t understand. I don’t understand at all. All I know is that it hurts. It hurts so bad. The rest of the girls crowd around me, holding me close, putting their hooves around me, surrounding me. I don’t know what to do but cry harder. How did this happen? Why was this happening? It… I don’t know anymore. It was a long time until I could speak again. It was just as long until I could breathe freely again. My throat was raw and painful, vision blurry enough to confuse colors, but I was quiet at least. I didn’t need to cry anymore. “Feeling better?” That was Pinkie Pie. I knew she wouldn’t want words. There was only one thing she wanted from her friends. I looked at her, or what I thought was her. There was more pink in the blur I saw than any other shape. With all the energy that I could muster, I pulled my lips into a smile. I must have looked pathetic. Scratch that, I know I looked pathetic. “Y-Yeah, a little.” A deep breath filled my lungs, stretching the abused muscles in my chest. But, it felt good, better at least. I knew the there was more I had to do. “Girls, I’m… sorry, I’m so sorry.” “Don’t worry ‘bout nothin’, Dash.” Applejack now. “We’re all friends here, that means we stick together harder than a tree does ta the ground.” I laughed a little at that, a short pathetic giggle. But it was something, something more than tears. I knew that would satisfy Pinkie. “Indeed sweet heart. It will take more than a few words to split us apart.” I nod my head. She’s right. Rarity is absolutely correct. “So,” I let out carefully, sitting back and looking around. “What now?” Really, I didn’t have to ask. “Now?” Rarity questioned, leaning back from me. “We give you a good wash, straighten your mane, then set you off to do what you have to do.” “Talk to Twilight.” They all smiled as I said that. I’m pretty sure I’m smiling, too. “There’s no pony else who can.”