Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
Secret of My Excess
Dear Princess Celestia,
Well, today is Fax Machine's birthday. He really hasn't gotten any bigger, or any better at his job, but, I guess a party or something will help with his self esteem. I know my friends are way better than I am at giving two shits about other ponies' feelings, so I'll invite them over. I just can't believe he got a kiss from Rarity because of some stupid gem. Do you know how long I've been trying to get a kiss from Rarity?
Well, the next day, the party decorations had been set up, and the other party guests had arrived. Spike seemed surprised that the others brought him presents, and reflected on that he always only got one present from me every year; a book. Yeah, that's right. This year it's 100 Tips To Improve Sexual Performance. Yeah, and Fax Machine, I don't care how you feel about it, because quite frankly, I don't like you. Consider asking the others on how to be more competent with the chores I give you and I won't have a reason to hate you. I still won't like you, unless you start being likeable. And fuckable.
So when the Cakes made him a special cupcake for his birthday, he went and ate it. Then Cheerilee gave him a hat. And I am now convinced that hats make him evil. Remember what he did to Opal's toy mouse when he put that top hat on? Yeah. Except now, he's not making a poorly thought-out murder scene, he's just going to go on a greed spree. After I told him to go give it back, he went and got even more things. By the next morning, he had grown substantially. I took him to the doctor and got the following diagnosis: apparently, he's a dragon. Well no shit, and I'm a super sexy, ultra horny unicorn who can't get off, what's your point?
So that gave me an idea. If I can make Fax Machine grow enough, his girth might be enough to finally satisfy me. So he immediately proceeds to raid Zecora's hut, tried to rob a child of a prized possession, and then hoarded half the books in my library. I thought that might be enough, so I followed him to Sweet Apple Acres and tied myself to a tree in hopes of getting raped. Even Applejack tried to get in on the fun. But he just passed us by. Even Rainbow didn't want a piece of this ass. What the hell? So it was time to up the ante. I raced to Sugarcube Corner to cover myself in whipped cream, but he had beaten us there too, and Pinkie was throwing cake at him. I don't understand why she didn't use any of Apple Bloom's cupcakes; those things could cause some serious damage.
He grew to enormous size and took the roof off of the building. So now that my sexcapade is now responsible for a rampaging dragon, I was drawing a blank on what to do next. I got pretty annoyed when Spike captured Rarity and began to take her up to the mountain top to violate her. Maybe he'd be open to a threesome...wait...no wait...no don't look at Rarity, don't let go of your greed ahhhhh FUCK! Now he's back to his scrawny baby self. Damn. Damn it all to hell. I'm never going to get any. I don't even understand why Rainbow and Fluttershy bothered to save them.
But Fax Machine was just as unlucky. He didn't get any either. We both have to work on our sex lives. We have got to learn to get off one way or another. Otherwise, before you know it, we'll be sitting in the basement of the library, unable to satisfy anyone, pre-reading fanfiction for a blog about cartoon mythological creatures.
Your aggravated student,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S. By the way, we need another water tower.