Did you know that there are exactly 27 knots in the wood of the ceiling in Fluttershy’s bedroom? Or that she has seven birdhouses in there, three of which that hold a variety of sparrow? Did you know that I don’t care? Did you know that I know that you don’t care either?
Guess what? I don’t care that you don’t care. What in the hell was I supposed to do at the time? Waking up in an unfamiliar bed with a woman after a night of drinking; scratch that, a PONY mare, a woman would have been MUCH more preferable in this situation. I was freaking terrified.
Sure she was freaking adorable cuddling up next to me and drooling ever so slightly on my arm, but we aren’t even the same species! That is if I even have a species anymore... And to add to my list of unlucky occurrences this fine morning: My ‘Melanoma’ spots had spread to my arms and hands, still barely visible, but definitely there.
My thoughts and nervous counting of random objects around the room were interrupted by a slight shuffling to my side and a petite yawn that signaled the awakening of Fluttershy.
I was suddenly embraced just a little bit tighter by the pegasus as she whispered in my ear.
“Good morning Stanny Bear, how did you sleep?”
‘PET NAMES!?! Dear god, PLEASE don’t say I agreed to this.’
“Erm...J-just f-fine...”
She gently touched a hoof to my face and turned my head to look at her.
“Are you alright Stan? You’re shaking...”
Her teal eyes were wide with concern.
‘Surprise surprise, apparently fear and nervousness make you shake *insert sarcastic eyeroll here*’
I let out a sigh before explaining.
“Well I uhhh...may not EXACTLY remember what happened last night...”
She looked at me confusedly for a moment before her eyes widened to the size of saucers. She managed to squeak out a small reply:
“Oh...My...”
My arm seemed to act on its own accord as it reached out and stroked her mane; she quickly calmed down, but I still needed answers from the pastel pegasus.
“So Fluttershy, can you tell me EXACTLY what happened last night?”
For the record, I may have seemed overly calm at the moment considering the situation, but I felt as if I had lost my sanity after starting to count the birdhouses.
She looked around nervously for a moment, as if hatching a sort of escape plan. Unfortunately this escapee behavior forced me to put ‘Operation: Cuddle Capture’ into effect, much to my displeasure. Don’t get me wrong, in all honesty I’ve wanted to cuddle with one of these adorable ponies since I got here; however, I had hoped it would be in an innocent, platonic manner.
Anyways, I sat up and turned to grab Fluttershy in a large hug, ending any ideas or possibilities of escape. She made a small “eep!” in surprise, but didn’t fight my advance. After she was secured in my arms with her head resting on my shoulder, I whispered quietly into her ear.
“Please Flutters, I really want to know.”
She shivered at my use of her nickname, but ultimately relented.
“Fine... J-just promise you won’t be angry.”
“I promise.”
Lying, but again, she didn’t need to know that.
Stan had excused himself from the group of girls to use the restroom. It was quite obviously for reasons other than relieving himself judging by his unsteadiness and the sickly expression adorning his features.
The six mares, now without Stan in their midst, instantly began to gossip about the stallion in question. Fluttershy felt guilty talking about Stan behind his back, but wanted to hear the others’ opinions of him as much as they wanted to say them.
Twilight was the first to bring up the subject:
“So girls, what do you all think of Stan?”
Fluttershy began to answer quietly, nervousness evident in her voice.
“W-well, I think that I-”
“I think he’s super duper fantastically amazing! He loves to party and he’s random like me, plus he’s really really cute as a pony! Don’t you guys think so too?”
Pinkie interjected, cutting Fluttershy off mid-sentence.
“A-actually Pinkie, I think he-”
“Yeah, and did you see the size of his wings!?! He must be able to fly soo fast; I have got to race him sometime!”
Rainbow quickly took the reins of the conversation.
Although she was interrupted again, Fluttershy just smiled dreamily and opened her mouth to voice her agreement. Unfortunately, she wasn’t even allowed a word before Rarity butt-in.
“Rainbow Dash, I doubt he’d partake in such frivolous ventures; the stallion obviously has some experience with the refined side of life. Even if he was looking at my ‘junk’ so to speak, the voice he used on me earlier...” The unicorn involuntarily shuddered
“Sorry Rarity, but I hafta disagree. Although ahm none too fond of Stan, he is a bit of a looker; ah dun see much more outta him than to use as a ‘stress-reliever.’”
The other girls looked stunned by Applejack’s blunt statement; even Fluttershy narrowed her eyes at her earth pony friend.
Applejack just shrugged.
“Ahm the element of honesty, what’d ya expect?”
Twilight decided to end the shocked silence.
“Anyways...Although I will agree with you all that he is ‘cute,’ I think that it’s his origin that’s the most interesting. I mean imagine all of the things we could learn from him and his world! I’m definitely going to need to question him further.” She paused for a moment and put a hoof to her chin. “Speaking of Stan, he’s been in the bathroom for an awful long time...”
The girls looked at each other, nodded in unspoken agreement, and all made their way to the bathroom. Twilight, being in the front of the group, knocked on the door.
“Stan? Are you alright in there?”
There was no answer.
“Stan?”
Twilight and the girls were starting to get worried about their new friend.
“Consarnit Twilight! What are ya waitin fer? Just open up the door!”
Twilight looked back at Applejack nervously before covering the doorknob to the bathroom with her magic. Opening up the door revealed...
*Pomf*
*Pomf*
Stan was passed out on the bathroom floor, again in his human form. Due to his lack of clothing as a pony...
“WHAAAT!!!”
Fluttershy winced in response to my outburst and gave me a small pout.
“You promised that you wouldn’t get angry...”
“*sigh* Sorry Fluttershy, I just did NOT expect that. Please continue.”
‘Dear lord, this can’t get any worse.’
Not five seconds after the door was opened, Applejack removed her hat and strategically tossed it to cover his ‘Stanhood’. It was then that they noticed that the entire party had quieted and was now staring through the doorway at the unconscious human; more specifically at the hat now covering his nether regions. Some ponies had faces of fear, some had faces of shock and, strangely enough, one teal unicorn in particular had a creepily large smile on her muzzle.
Rarity stepped in front of the doorway and spoke up, attempting to diffuse the obvious tension permeating the room.
“Go on; resume your partying, nothing to see here.”
Naturally, this did not faze even a small portion of Stan's apparent audience. Letting out a sigh, Twilight stepped forward to explain.
“That thing in there is Stan, he’s an alien but completely harmless.” She paused for a moment. “Just go back to the party please, it’s under control; we’re the elements of harmony after all.”
The crowd grudgingly dispersed and went back to their partying, albeit with much more whispering and rumor spreading than they were previously.
Twilight turned to speak to the group.
“That went surprisingly well, but now what are we going to do with him?”
The mares all looked towards the naked, drooling man unconscious on the bathroom floor.
“Actually, I would like to study him a little bit more and update the princess on the information I’ll learn about his species; I should take him to my library.”
“Well he’s passed out in my place! I should take Stanny Wanny!”
“I need to show him some of my new tricks, I should take him!”
“Rainbow, darling, not to burst your bubble but he likely cannot even stand in your cloud house; not to mention how you would even manage to get him there. Clearly I should take him so I may craft him some clothing to cover up that ‘thing’ of his.”
“Don’t even bother Rarity, ah’ll take Stan. Ah’ll just give him a burlap sack to cover up n’ put ‘im to work on mah farm; besides the critter owes me a new hat, ahm gonna hafta burn this ‘un.”
Applejack growled out the last part.
“Umm...Girls, I think that-”
The mares continued to bicker amongst themselves; again completely ignoring Fluttershy and not allowing her to get a word in.
Fluttershy was frustrated. SHE found Stan, SHE was housing him so clearly SHE deserved to take him home. They were fighting over poor Stan as if he was an object, and Fluttershy wasn’t going to take it anymore.
Fear the anger of a gentle mare.
“GIRLS!"
The five other mares turned to look at Fluttershy but immediately regretted it. They found themselves staring into a pair of seemingly soulless turquoise eyes filled with an immeasurable amount fury.
"You're all fighting over poor Stan like he's a prize! He may not be a pony, but he deserves the same respect as one!"
Stan stirred for a moment from all the commotion and lifted his head; upon seeing the eyes of the angry pegasus, he quickly passed out again.
"Now I'm taking Stan home, no ifs, ands, or buts."
Fluttershy trotted into the bathroom and struggled with wrapping a towel around the unconscious man's waist to replace Applejack's hat. Upon fulfilling this task, she turned to look at Twilight.
"Twilight, if you would be so kind."
The frazzled unicorn nodded and levitated Stan into the air then draped him belly first over Fluttershy's back. She struggled under his weight for a moment before slowly walking out of the bathroom and towards the front door of Sugarcube Corner, but not without accidentally hitting Stan's head against the bathroom doorway, eliciting a pained grunt from the human.
The gathering crowd parted to make way for the pegasus, one pony even going as far as to open the door for her. She left the building without another word.
Applejack watched the door close behind the mare before speaking.
"What in the hay just happened?"
Rarity stared at the closed door; as if afraid the angry pegasus would return.
"I believe we just made Fluttershy angry."
"I appreciate you standing up for me Fluttershy; it must have been hard yelling at your friends."
She pulled her head back and hid behind her mane.
"I-it was no trouble, they deserved it considering how they were treating you."
‘Okay, that explains the whole party situation, but how did I get into her bed and why am I naked again?’
“Now what happened after getting back from the party?”
Fluttershy looked scared; not just tense or frightened, but terrified.
“W-well on the w-way back, I m-may have accidentally d-dropped you...”
My eye twitched involuntarily, but I kept up my nice guy attitude.
“And...”
She looked away from me, clearly embarrassed.
“After that you w-woke up and offered to c-carry me home. You w-were very p-polite and c-cordial from then on.”
‘Note to self: getting drunk apparently turns me into a gentleman.’
“Did anything happen after we got back?”
“Y-yes...”
I raised an eyebrow at her.
“...Are you going to tell me?”
She sighed in defeat, realizing I clearly wasn’t going to drop the subject.
“Fine...W-we got inside and you w-were acting all romantic, so we made love-”
“WHAT!?!”
“-letters.”
She held up two pieces of paper, both with intricate writing scrawled upon their surfaces.
‘Note to self: I have better handwriting drunk than when I’m sober.’
I looked at the two letters she was somehow managing to hold with her hooves, basically telling physics: “F*** You.”
‘Another note: Ask how ponies write and carry things.’
She continued:
“After that you c-carried me upstairs to m-my room and dropped m-me on my b-bed.”
I gave her a slightly scared, quizzical look.
“Now why would I do that...?”
I had my guesses, but wasn’t going to voice them just yet.
“W-well, we played around a little bit.”
Her voice gained strength while mine was weakening
“M-meaning?”
I was shaking again at this point.
“Just some board games.”
“*PHEW* you don’t know how happy I am to hear that Fluttershy.”
She pouted at me.
“But I’m not done.”
By that point I was fairly sure that the entire night was just a string of normal(ish) events without anything inappropriate; but I decided to humor her.
“Okay Fluttershy, what happened next?”
“We did it.”
My heart stopped as I let out a nervous chuckle.
“Did what? P-played Parcheesi?”
She looked me in the eyes and smiled.
“Nope, had sex.”
With that she hopped off the bed and trotted happily towards the door, leaving me frozen in place sitting up in her bed.
‘...’
“WHAT!?!”
“Do we really have to do this now Fluttershy?”
I was walking with a towel around my waist alongside the yellow pegasus to get to Rarity’s boutique, where I was to get measured for some clothing she was going to make for me.
“Yes, Rarity was generous enough to take time out of her busy day to make you some clothes it would be rude to refuse.”
She stole a glance back at my towel.
“And you are in dire need of some clothing.”
Today I’ve learned a very important lesson about living in Equestria: Do NOT make Fluttershy angry. The only reason I was going along with this was because I didn’t want to see that crazy mare pissed-off twice in one day.
After that little ‘surprise’ she decided to lay on me this morning, I locked her out of her room and hid under the bed. Not one of my proudest moments, but neither was the one that followed. After several minutes of her trying to persuade me to open the door, she finally decided to fly outside and try to come in through the window. In order to keep her out, I had to come out from under the bed and hold the window closed manually. She was clearly getting frustrated, and it was then that she decided to look up at me in the eyes through the window. I shall not describe what I saw in those large turquoise pools, but what I will say is that I question whether or not this mare is a pony or a demon.
Anyways, we were about a quarter mile from the edge of Ponyville, her attempts at small talk were failing as I had little to no desire to speak at all. I was merely taking in my surroundings.
Finding me unwilling to partake in conversation, she began to trot in front of me. It was then that something rather peculiar happened. My eyes found themselves being drawn to the erm...'rear' in front of me. Psychologically speaking: She was a female sentient being from another world, I had not seen another human female over the past few days and this mare was human in all but body shape. My mind was looking for attractive features and clearly found one as I was now staring at it.
And yes, that was me covering myself for staring at her a**. But that wasn’t the peculiar part, what was peculiar was that my melanoma spotted arm slowly raised itself against my will, wiggled its fingers in my face and...
*SMACK*
Fluttershy and I froze.
She looked back at me in shock, then at my hand; now resting on her flank, covering her Buttoo.
I swear that I heard distant laughter in my head.
Again, she locked eyes with me.
“SORRY! I don’t know what just happened, I couldn’t help myself-”
‘That came out WRONG!’
Her face lost its shocked expression, but was quickly replaced with a sultry smirk.
“It’s fine Stanny, I understand COMPLETELY.”
She turned her head back forward and continued her trot.
‘*Phew* Dodged a bullet there.’’
The walk into town continued without a hitch, but I noticed that Fluttershy’s hips were swaying in a slightly exaggerated manner. I hope I didn’t hurt her with that random spank of mine.
Anyways, we entered into Ponyville and immediately all eyes were on me. Surprisingly enough, they weren’t looks of fear, merely of curiosity and in some cases...desire?
Fluttershy stopped in front of me and looked around at the ponies ogling my strange appearance, their faces immediately filled with terror and they went back to performing their mundane tasks, albeit stealing glances in my direction.
‘D*** Fluttershy, you scary.’
The Boutique was just 100ft ahead of us now.
“Fluttershy!”
A voice off to the right caught our attention and Apple*insert name here* trotted up to us.
“Fluttershy, ah just wanted to apologize fer how ah acted last night...”
‘Sappy apology? No thanks.’
I decided to just go into the Boutique and wait for Fluttershy there; I’m not one for ‘touching’ moments.
I was walking along a row of houses when I realized that I wasn’t moving forward; in fact I was levitating about one foot above the ground while covered by a billowing gold aura. Suddenly a door off to my right side was coated in a similar golden aura and opened up revealing nothing but darkness. I was quickly pulled in, unable to even scream as I was completely blinded by the darkness.
Almost immediately, I was forcibly pushed into a small chair, the aura never leaving me, thus still restricting my movements.
There was the sound of lips smacking by my left ear, followed by a feminine voice.
“Hello Stan, I’ve been waiting for you.”
‘Why does crazy s*** like this always happen to ME?’