//------------------------------// // Bonus: Meet the Soldier Alternate // Story: Meet the Team: Pony Fortress 2 // by The Usurper //------------------------------// A/N: This is an alternate bonus chapter (if you didn't get the hint from the title) that I wrote due to a request from SgtFrog. This is not canon to the story as a whole. Any further requests are welcome, though not all can be used as part of this story. "What do you mean, he's not available at the moment?" Diana demanded. "That's exactly what I mean." An irritated white unicorn mare told her. "He's not here. I have no idea where he is. We got a replacement just for today." She shoved a grey pegasus wearing a helmet forward. "This is Derpy Hooves. You can interview her today, if you want." "Hi!" The wall-eyed pegasus waved a hoof, though who she was waving it at remained unclear, since she was facing a wall. The fact that her eyes wandered all over the place in different directions didn't help either. "Look, I don't need a replacement, I need the real thing." Diana shook her head. "Miss Rarity, are you sure you have no idea where he is right now?" "Absolutely no idea at all." Rarity confirmed. "Maybe you should interview someone else first?" "No, I have to get the Soldier done by today, otherwise the Administrator is going to be very angry." Diana facehoofed. "Of course, maybe this would all be easier if it wasn't for the fact that he always schedules these things during battles." "Then I'm afraid that she will have to do, miss Diana." Rarity gestured to Derpy. "Apologies." "Never mind. It's not your fault." Diana turned back to Derpy as Rarity departed from the supply room. "Hi!" The grey pegasus said again. "I'm Derpy Hooves!" "Yes, I've been told." Where could Spike possibly be? Just because I'm a few minutes late... "Now, let me give you a quote: 'If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight!' Does anybody know who said that?" "I need a phone." Diana looked around. "I must inform the Administrator of the current complications. Miss Derpy, might you happen to know the location of one, by any chance?" "There's one over there!" Derpy used her front two hooves to point to both walls beside her. Diana glanced at both and confirmed that there was indeed no phone on either side. "Miss Derpy, those are just walls." "They're not just any walls!" Derpy wore a goofy smile. "They're phone-walls!" "Ugh." Diana groaned. "This is going to be a long, long day." "Watch! They work!" Derpy trotted over to one of the walls and pressed her ear to it. "See? Do you hear it? It's ringing!" She paused. "It's for you." "I've already said this, miss Derpy, those are just..." A loud ringing interrupted her. "...walls." Diana approached the ringing wall cautiously. "Hello?" "Are you getting this, Diana?" The Administrator's voice echoed through the room. "Yes, I am, Administrator." Diana answered. "Since you contacted me through the... wall... I take it that you are aware of the present circumstances." "Indeed, I am. With this information in mind, I will allow you to interview Derpy Hooves, if she is going to be Spike's replacement as a mercenary for now." "As you wish." Diana nodded. "I will finish this assignment by nightfall." "Excellent." The phone-wall went dead. Diana turned to Derpy, sighing. "Well, looks like I'm stuck with you today." "Yay!" "Where are you bringing me?" Diana asked Derpy, annoyed. "We've been walking through these corridors for a few hours already!" "It's a secret!" Derpy said cheerfully. "Well, we'd better be getting close to this 'secret' of yours soon." Diana growled. "Because if we don't, then I'm going to have to..." She glanced at a nearby door. "Wait a minute! This is the door to the supply room! We've been going around in circles!" Either Derpy was ignoring her, or she didn't hear what she had just shouted. "We're here!" She said as she trotted into the supply room. Diana's eye twitched. Following her inside, the earth pony was once again greeted with the familiar scene of the supply closet and its surroundings, except that now the closet had a certain pegasus' head buried in it as her hooves tossed out random items. "So," Diana tried her hardest to control her anger, "now that we're back in the same room that we started out from, what is it that you wanted to show me?" There was no response. "Miss Derpy?" "Ah, here they are!" The pegasus turned around, flapping her wings to support her weight, and dumped a bunch of helmet-wearing muffins on the floor. "Where have you been, muffins? We're fighting a war, and all you all are doing is sitting back in the supply closet?" "Miss Derpy, those are muffins." Diana said. "They aren't alive. They can't hear you." Derpy gasped. "Of course they're alive!" She clutched one close to her chest. "Don't listen to what the mean pony said. You're a really good muffin." Diana facehoofed. I do seem to be doing that a lot more often nowadays. She reflected. "Okay, enough comforting." Derpy dropped the muffin on the ground. "Now, listen up, all of you!" She looked at the exit from the supply room. "I have something to tell you!" Diana settled down, moving into a sitting position. Well, if I'm going to watch insanity unfold, I might as well be comfortable. "If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight!" She paused. "Beethooven said that, and I think he knows a little more about fighting than you do," She pressed a hoof against one of the muffins' helmets, "because he invented it! And then he perfected it, so that no one alive could best him in combat!" "Time and time again, he fought, and even when he couldn't win, he did! Do you know why?" Derpy kept quiet for a few moments to give the muffins a chance to respond. When none of them did, she continued. "It's because he was crafty. If he couldn't beat them head on, he'd do it with strategy! For instance, he one day used some of his fight money to buy two of every kind of animal in Equestria, and then he herded onto a boat. But he couldn't possibly beat them all by himself, could he?" The pegasus grinned. "No, he went in with a plan! He used the rest of his fight money to buy a collection of irritatingly itchy ticks, which he dumped on the animals! The animals began to quarrel and blame each other for the ticks, and then, when they were distracted, Beethooven pounced on them, and beat the crap out of every single one!" Derpy smiled triumphantly. "From that moment on, whenever a bunch of animals are arguing, it's called politics!" Derpy brought a hoof to her chin in confusion. "Wait a minute..." Diana sighed, finally interrupting. "Miss Derpy, can your muffins move?" Derpy thought for a while. "No." "Can they fight?" "No." "Can they talk?" "No." "Then," Diana asked, "how are they of use on the battlefield?" "Military rations, of course." Derpy replied, popping a muffin into her mouth, helmet and all, before spitting out the helmet. "Yes, but you were talking to them, and food doesn't need to be talked to in order to function as... well, food." "Of course they do!" "Actually, no they... don't..." Diana watched as Derpy's eyes wandered further and further in different directions. "Never mind." "Okay then." "Well, miss Derpy, this has definitely been an..." Diana watched as the pegasus consumed another muffin, "enlightening interview, but I'm afraid that I must take my leave now." Thankfully. She added mentally. "Bye!" Derpy waved enthusiastically. "Yes, bye." Diana turned away from the wall-eyed pegasus and trotted out of the supply room. A few moments passed before a sound reverberated around the room. It was a deep chuckle. "Not bad, Derpy. An excellent act. She really thinks that you're mad." The Administrator said from the phone-wall. Derpy smiled. "I know! Hold on, let me put muffin to bed first, and then we can continue talking." A pause. "Uh... right."