Celestia took deep breaths, the reality of losing her position as princess finally hitting her. A brand new stage, podiums, and table had been built just for the event. In just two hours, the debate would be on, and the audience was already filling up the massive area that had been cleared out in anticipation. Ponies from every town and city were attending, hundreds of reporters with pens and paper standing ready at the front of the crowd, cameras hanging from their neck. Equestria as a whole had never been in such a fret about anything before, not even the changeling invasion.
Staring out of the window into the large crowd, she could only hope that Twilight's books had been right about how to win a political debate.
"Celestia!"
Twilight trotted in through the door, a clipboard floating in with her.
"Everything seems to be in order, the debate is scheduled to go on in about two hours. Are you ready?"
"I think I am ready."
"Do you remember our talks and the lessons from the book?"
"Yes." Celestia had forgotten when she stopped being the mentor and started being the student.
"Okay, let's just go over some basics. What do you do if you're asked a tough question?"
"Not answer it and answer a question that I like," answered Celestia on command.
"What happens if you don't know what to say?"
"I lie."
"What do you do if Luna starts pointing out holes in your plan?"
"I lie."
"What do you do if you don't know the answer to a question?"
"I lie." Celestia liked politics now, they were easy.
"How do you describe your plans and policies."
"Vaguely."
"Give me an example."
"My tax plan will fix the economy by putting more bits in the hooves of normal ponies."
"Great job!" Neither pony had any idea what a tax was, but the book used the word a lot, so they assumed it was important.
Twilight smiled, Celestia was ready.
"So, I've been looking at the polls from the past few days to see our progress in the race, and it turns out that Luna has you beat by a slim margin. It turns out that Luna's argument 'Celestia is smelly' somehow got the entire city of Hoofington to side with her, but that's okay, because you have Ponyville and Las Pegasus on lockdown. All you have to do is win this debate and the election is yours!"
Celestia nodded.
"Also, the left wing Amareicans are attacking our foreign policy plans so you'll have to crystallize that during the debate."
Celestia spread out her wings, trying to understand what they had to do with politics. Before she could ask Twilight, she was already onto the next topic.
"And finally, recent polls show the economic tendencies of the middle class are leaning toward loophole regulation and a cut on deductions."
"And that means?"
"I don't know, it's what the polls say." Twilight put her clipboard down. "Look, what's important is that you get out there and you win this debate. Do whatever it takes. Get dirty, get loud, yell if you have to, the book says ponies love it when you yell about things. As long as you sound like you know what you're talking about, everypony will just assume you do. Are you ready."
Celestia took a deep breath. "Yes."
"Good, debates in an hour thirty." Twilight picked up her clipboard and exited the room, leaving Celestia alone to rack her brain of all the knowledge she had accumulated about politics over the past few days.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hello! My name is Jim Neigher and this is the first election in Equestrian history, ever, moderated by yours truly."
The crowd let out a reserved cheer, all eyes on the stage. Jim Neigher was a modest pony, one of the only ponies besides Twilight who had any knowledge about politics at all. His slick brown mane and shiny coat of gray fur defined him, and on this special occasion he was wearing a tie.
"Yes, this is a very special occasion. This is the first election in a very long time, and we're going to dive right into it. If you would, please welcome your two candidates, Princess Celestia, and Princess Luna!"
The crowd erupted into a loud applause as the two royal ponies strutted onto the wooden stage. They met in the middle of the two podiums and shook hooves, a silent tension between them. After the elongated hoofshake, the ponies returned to the podium on their respective side.
In the audience, Twilight found a spot near the front in the VIP section. She stared worriedly at the princess, hoping that she wouldn't blow it.
"Hey Twilight!"
Twilight snapped her neck toward the familiar voice. It was all too familiar. It was Pinkie Pie.
"Pinkie Pie! What are you doing here?" Twilight silently assumed that Pinkie had somehow bypassed security and managed to follow Twilight into the front of the crowd.
"To support Princess Luna, of course!"
Twilight furrowed her brow. "Pinkie, we're supposed to be helping Princess Celestia!"
"No, silly, I'm Princess Luna's adviser!"
Twilight's mouth dropped. "Adviser?"
"Yup!"
"But, you don't know anything about politics."
"Oh, come on Twilight, it isn't even hard. I even came up with the 'Celestia smells' slogan, isn't it great!"
Twilight tried to reply, but Jim Neigher spoke into his microphone.
"Alright, the debate will be ninety minutes, speaking time will be as even as possible between the two of you, but arguments will be permitted to occur civilly. Now, we will start the debate."
The crowd quieted down to absolute silence. Everypony wanted to hear the first words of the debate that would surely go down in history.
"Princess Celestia, you will start with your opening statements. You have two minutes." The entire area was silent, thousands of ponies gathered in one place yet not a peep whilst Celestia drew her lips to the microphone and prepared to speak.
The princess quickly cleared her throat, and in the crisp, confident tone that Twilight had taught her to use, she made history.
"Thanks, Jim, I'm glad to be here." Her voice was different, like none anypony had heard before. It was the voice of a politician.
"And I'm happy to be standing in front of the ponies of Equestria. Now I know that I this election was called because the general public was not happy with my work as princess, but I can promise you this: If elected, I will do everything I can to bring Equestria to a happier, better future."
Twilight smiled, all the practice had payed off.
"In the coming years Equestria needs a leader who will put the needs of the ponies of Equestria before their own, a leader who will help the economy and push the education system of Equestria to teach beyond elementary school. As you've seen, my previous policies as princess in immigration had an 100% success rate. We don't let anypony immigrate, it's as simple as that. I believe that simple is the way to go."
Celestia's calm voice was just a mask, her words parroted from practice sessions. On the inside, Celestia felt the politics eating her away, the prospect of losing her position as ruler of Equestria made her more nervous than she had ever been in her life. And to top it off, she had to debate her own sister. Yet, Celestia continued on.
"This nation was built off of the fundamentals that I put in place a long time ago, and I believe that I can continue to build Equestria on a bipartisan basis that will perpetuate these fundamentals throughout our future. I invite the ponies who may not agree with my current policies as ruler to exonerate me and allow me to show you that I am a benevolent leader who is willing to take your thoughts and concerns into consideration."
Twilight nodded her head along with Celestia's words. She was doing perfect.
"Now let's talk about my platform."
Twilight frowned.
"The platform is really grea-"
"I'm sorry but your time is up," cut in Jim. Celestia shot an annoyed smile at him, and respectfully quieted.
"Princess Luna, your turn. Opening statements, two minutes." Twilight could not help but let out a sigh.
"Greeting, ponies of Equestria!" yelled Luna. Everypony in the audience held their ears as Luna sheepishly retracted from the microphone. The technology was foreign to her. Ponies in the responded with a visceral groan.
With a quieter tone, Luna cautiously approached the microphone. "Greetings, ponies of Equestria."
The buzz of the crowd quieted down.
Suddenly, Luna's voice took a nosedive. She, too, adopted the refined voice of a politician, losing her quaint style of speech and dropping the royal "we". Celestia couldn't believe that it was her sister speaking, and Twilight simply gawked at Pinkie Pie, wondering what she had been telling Luna.
"Today is a revolutionary day for Equestria," started Luna. "A day where we come together to view what we wish to have in our future, do we wish to have change? Or do we wish to keep the same systems that have not worked for centuries. If elected, Equestria as a whole will see changes right away, not only benefits for the ponies who are struggling but also for those who are just in need of something extra. These policies currently in place have no place in modern times. It is time for a new princess to become ruler of Equestria, and that princess is me. My plan to fix Equestria is simple. Step one, cut back on spending, step two, champion small business, which is all business, step three, circulate more than four hundred bits at a time, step four, free chocolate for everypony. Thank you."
With almost all of her speaking time left, Luna stepped away from the microphone. Jim Neigher was baffled, but a murmur arose from the crowd, the only audible word among the chaos being "chocolate". The other three points Luna had made were lost in the fickle minds of the listeners.
Celestia scrunched up her nose. Chocolate for everypony? That was ludicrous!
"Alright, now that you've both had your opening statements it's time for questions, Celestia you will answer first," said Jim. Celestia nodded and gave a winning smile to the crowd, just as Twilight had said. Jim Neigher asked the question.
"As we all know Equestria completely lacks taxes of any sort. Many ponies see this as a problem, considering that the government has literally no money at all to do anything. How do you plan on fixing this?"
Celestia let the words broil in her head for a moment, allowing them to go through the political machine that she had situated in her brain, Twilight's words bouncing around and instructions from the book jumping into the mix.
She cleared her throat.
"That is an excellent question Jim and I'll tell you why. Equestria needs to stop focusing on taxes and start refocusing on our foreign commitments in other nations. For example, we need to stop allowing the changeling nations to form plots against Equestria and engage in peace seeking negotiations with them in order to solve the problem."
Jim looked confusedly at the paper he had beneath him, making sure he had asked the right question.
"Taxes, Celestia, not foreign policy. The ponies want to know what you will do about the lack of taxes."
Celestia's forehead moistened. Twilight had said that averting the question would work, and that they'd just move on. Apparently not. Celestia scrambled mentally to find something within the book that told her what to do, but all roads led back to avoiding the question. She realized that she'd actually have to answer the question.
"Taxes, yes, of course. Well, the lack of taxes in Equestria does, in fact, leave the government, which is me, with no money at all. But that is no problem, because Equestria runs on love and friendship and that's all that matters."
"That's nice, Luna, any response?" said Jim, immediately turning away from Celestia.
"Yes," said Luna, "I believe that taxes are a mandatory part of any government, and if elected I will impose a flat income tax on all working ponies."
"And how much will this tax be?"
Luna looked nervously at Jim. "Um, that will be revealed later. What matters now is that I've said that I will change the taxes."
"Good answer, Luna," said Jim, "Back to you Celestia, the nation is worried that you, and I quote, 'literally do nothing all day', is this true?"
"I am truly hurt by this statement," said Celestia, "I do plenty of things during the regular day. I wake up, I sit in the throne, and I listen to the complaints of the people and contemplate acting upon them. Sometimes I even go to a city within Equestria and make all the ponies bow to me so I can deliver a message. Also, I raise the sun in the morning, that's a little work. And whenever there's a problem I have six dedicated ponies on call to fix it for me. So, obviously, I spend more of my days sitting aroun- I mean galloping around making sure that nothing is wrong in Equestria and that the sun is, indeed, in the sky."
Jim Neigher nodded. "Alright, and Luna, would you like to say anything."
"Yes, I'd just like to say that Princess Celestia literally does nothing all day."
Celestia shot an angry glare at Luna, who simply ignored her and stared out into the audience. Celestia snorted quietly, her own sister ignoring her and making snide remarks.
"Alright, that brings us to our next topic. Celestia, how do you plan on fixing the economy?"
"Before I delve into the economy, I would just like to state that I metaphorically do nothing all day, Luna is a liar."
Jim fidgeted as Celestia stood silently, not delving into the economy.
"Um, okay, but what about the economy?"
Celestia snorted. "The economy will be fine once the platform smacks it around a bit. I plan to impose 75% tax rates and, um..."
Celestia's eyes drifted to look at Twilight, an echo of Twilight's voice ringing in her head. What was it saying though?
Riddle mass? Fiddle pass? Middle gas? Oh!
"And as for the middle class, I love em. Love em to pieces. I don't think the audience understands just how much I love the middle class. In fact, I love the middle class so much, they don't have to pay the 75% tax rates. In fact, they don't have to pay any taxes, because the middle class is the backbone of Equestria, and I love them."
Jim nodded. "Right, and how do you plan to cover the costs of the nation without taxing the middle class at all?"
"Jim," said Celestia, "When you love the middle class as much as I do, anything is possible. Am I right!"
The crowd remained silent.
"Okay then," said Jim. "Luna, what do you have to say about the economy?"
"The economy is obviously in shambles, and in order to fix it I propose that we champion the middle class. I'd just like to say that Celestia has done a most horrid job at maintaining the economy, and therefore any change is a good change. Also I love the middle class more than she does."
Celestia snorted again. "That's enough!"
Wings spread, Celestia charged Luna's podium.
"We'll be back right after this intermission," said Jim, signaling security onto the stage. The crowd watched as the stallions attempted to hold back the two princesses.