Hearts, Hooves, and a Colt Who Loves Pie

by GuyInTheCorner

Ex-Marefriends Are Like Zombie Cultists and Other Things Completely Unrelated

It was late at night. It was the perfect time to go for a stroll, play addicting video games, get stuck by lightning, and introduce a more detailed plot and side characters. For some, it was the perfect time do get off of an extremely behind schedule train headed to Dodge Junction.

A yellow earth pony climbed out of the train, glad to finally be there. He would've been bouncing with joy, but he was too tired. He had his stetson pulled over his face to conceal his drowsy eyes and a piece of wheat held between his teeth because he though it looked cool. However, the more and more he held it there, the more he began to think it might have been toxic, because his tongue was swelling up a bit.

It's nothin', he though. He walked through town towards the Dodge Junction Motel, where he would be staying until his next train got here. He walked through the dark streets, a cliche tumbleweed blowing past him. He looked around and realized the tumbleweed had, in fact, been rolled into his path by a colt sticking his head out of a nearby window. He stared at the Traveler for a bit, blinked, and then pulled his head back in slowly. The Traveler sighed and looked up at the town's clock tower, recently constructed for the sole purpose of making the town appear "more western." It read the time, too.

"Hey, you," somepony else who happened to be out this late shouted towards him. "It's four A.M. Why on Equestria are you out in the middle of the streets?"

The Traveler was too tired to answer, and also though the pony asking him seemed to be quite the hypocrite. After all, she was out in the middle of the street too. Well, she was standing on her porch, but it was more or less the same thing.

"Because I've lost control of my life," he answered for comedic purposes.

The mare on the porch raised an eyebrow. "Well, okay then. Were you on the train from Appleloosa?"

The Traveler nodded. "Yeah, ah was. Wasn't too pretty." He sighed.

The porch-residing mare bit her lip. "What exactly happened, anyway?"

The Traveler pointed up towards the storm in the sky. "That happened. A blast of lightning blew a bit of the track up. Nopony was hurt, thankfully." He put his hoof back on the ground. "Took 'em forever to fix, even though only two rails were blown off."

"Oooh, that sounds terrible," the mare said. "Do you have a place to stay tonight?" she asked. "There's always an open room in mah cherry orchard for you to--"

The Traveler cut her off with a wave of his hoof. "Thanks, but no thanks. Ah'm stayin' in a motel." He turned and began walking towards the Dodge Junction Motel, spitting the wheat out onto the ground and pulling his stetson down a bit lower.

"Well, if you're ever in Dodge Junction again, don't be afraid to as for Cherry Jubilee!" she said, waving him goodbye. She stopped and got a good look at his cutie mark; a large apple. Cherry frowned. "Oh."

In a totally other location, dimension, and probably completely different time, something totally unrelated that would eventually tie in with the Traveler's adventure in some totally screwed up way was going on. A brown colt was busy rushing around his... Well, to put this simply, he was in a freaking time machine. It also flew through space, on that note. Pretty cool, eh? Anyway! Back to the story.

So yeah, where was I... Oh yeah. Colt running around in a time machine. Ok.

Said colt was storming around the time machine worriedly, checking dials and screens and such, looking other different location readings and things like that.

"Ditzy! We've got a problem!" he yelled at his assistant in the other room. Said assistant, a gray pegasus mare with golden "derpy" eyes, as her friends called them, stumbled into the room. She was bruised and also a bit burned.

"Well, I can see that, Doctor," she said, rolling one eye. "We're crashing again."

"Bloody Daleks," the Doctor muttered. "Even when we blow a ship full of them up, they manage to damage the Tardis." He groaned. "So any idea where we're crash-landing, Miss Doo?" he asked.

"Ponyville," Ditzy said with a sigh.

"Oh, sweet Luna!" the Doctor yelled. "Again?!"

"Yes, again, silly," Ditzy said. "Unless of course you're on a different point on your time stream than last time we did..." She trailed off, looking in two different direction with her eyes.

"I can assure you I'm not," he said with a nod. "Anyway, it's a good town, but we crash there a lot. I guess that's why we bought a time-share there."

"I still find it ironic we're time travelers who own a time share," Ditzy chuckled. The Doctor laughed at that a bit two.

"Yes, it is quite funny." He punched at a few buttons again, and the Tardis shook around. He sighed. "We're getting closer."

Ditzy looked off to one screen with her left eye. "Yeah, we are."

"Prepare the landing gear!"

"Yeah, that's sorta broken."

"Seriously?" the Doctor mumbled. "Bloody Daleks and their bloody lasers."

"Ponyville is in the middle of a severe thunderstorm," Ditzy added. "That might cause a problem."

The Doctor groaned. "That is bad. If we get hit, we might get stranded for a bit."

The Tardis shook again, much more seriously than last time."Seems like we're already getting some of the storm," Ditzy said shakily. "We're in Ponyville airspace now." The lights in the Tardis went out, and it began falling even faster.

"This is going to be bad!" Ditzy yelled. She produced a pillow from seemingly nowhere and pulled it over her head.

"Well," the Doctor gulped, "allons-y."

It was night. Still. Same time, different place. Specifically, Canterlot. Specifically, Casa de Fancypants. For those of you don't understand Spanish, that's the House of Fancypants, or the Pants Manor, Fancypants' house, and his father before him, and his father before him, and so on and so forth.

The front door of the manor was swung in (it was one of those ones that opened inward) and two figures walked in. One, of course, was Fancypants, because there's no way he'd be robbed. He had a state-of-the-art security system. He spent thousands of bits on it. The other figure walking in was a smaller gentlecolt, or at least compared to Mr. Pants. This specific colt was Fancypants's new assistant.

Walking into the front room, Fancypants used a bit of unicorn magic to flick a light switch on, lighting up the room.

"Lucky," Fancypants called to his assistant, "put those bags down on the coffee table." He motioned to a small side table by a large window at the side of the room.

"Yes sir, Mr. Pants!" Lucky answered back, carrying a few shopping bags over to said table and placing them down. He took a breath in. "Glad to put those down, Mr. Pants."

"You're such a big help, Mr. Clover. All my old assistants were lazy, poor workers with bad fashion senses," Fancypants said to lucky, walking over to him with a coffee cup held up magically.

"Thank you, sir," Lucky said with a bow. A bit of sweat formed on his brow. "N-now, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to show you something, sir."

"What I like about you, Lucky," Fancypants started, not noticing his assistant, "is your work ethic. Being an earth pony, you have a very strict one. It's work first, relax later, with you." He chuckled. "I wish my old assistants were like that."

"Yes, yes, thank you, sir, but if you have the time right now, I'd like to show you-"

"What's this?" Fancypants said, raising an eyebrow. He walked over to his front door, now realizing there was a pink envelope with his name on it. "Oh my!" he gasped, opening it up and reading it. "I've been invited to Princess Cadence's Hearts and Hooves Day Gala!"

"R-really?" Lucky stuttered, fairly surprised. "Mr. Pants! This is amazing!"

Fancypants squeed, which seemed oddly out of character for him. "I know! Oh, what will I wear, who will I bring?" he muttered to himself, trotting in a circle.

"W-well, sir, I've been working on a few projects... Maybe you could wear... One of my outfits...?" Lucky asked, shyly. He traced his hoof in a circle. He doubted Mr. Pants had heard him. He never did.

Lucky did love this job. He accompanied Fancypants to important events, countless parties, and fashion shows. He got to learn about the newest fashions before the even came out and meet tons of important ponies. However, Lucky never got to show anyone his work. He was an amateur fashion designer, and had created many suits and dresses. He'd worn some himself, but being only an assistant, his work was rarely notified.

This made Lucky sad.

"If it's okay, Mr. Pants," Lucky said louder, "I'm going to call it a day."

Fancypants nodded and mumbled inaudibly. Lucky sighed and walked away.

He descended a spiral staircase that lead to his room, located on the first basement level. His room also doubled as a "fashion workshop," as he put it. He had an expensive bed, complete with silk blankets, backed into a corner. Most of the room was occupied by easels, mannequins, fabrics, and dresses. He kept himself busy designing whenever he wasn't working.

He trotted around his room, checking over some of his past projects. A colt mannequin by his bed was garbed in a red, silk tuxedo, a gold-colored ascot, a black dress shirt, and a matching black to hat. It was a suit he had made for himself. He'd spent so much time on it, but he never had an occasion special enough to wear it.

Maybe he'd wear it to the Gala.

Other mannequins dressed in magnificent and flamboyant dresses and suits were scattered across his room, as well as a large amount of hoof-made hats. Lucky liked hats.

He trotted to one of his easels closer to the middle of the room, were his latest design was drawn. It was a fabulous, flowing dress dark as the night sky, accompanied by a long scarf. He had no idea who he'd get to wear it, or if he'd ever get anypony to wear it. He wanted to show Mr. Pants all of his hard work, but he feared he'd never get the chance. Mr. Pants was just too busy to see his work.

"Maybe I could hold my own fashion show," he muttered. "Or I could just have somepony show off my work at the Gala or something like that." He bit his lip and shook his head. "I'll never get the chance..."

He dragged himself over to his bed and plopped down into it, pulling the covers up. Maybe something totally amazing would happen. Maybe he'd get to show off some of his work.

"Who knows?" he said to himself. "The world is a big, strange place. Sometimes miracles happen." He smiled to himself and looked one last time over his room, this time over to a mannequin in the corner of his room.

A colt mannequin garbed in a light red and white striped dress shirt, red suspenders, and a matching red bow tie. Completing the entire ensemble was a brown, tweed sports coat. Lucky looked at it and smiled, turning his head to a rack of bow ties and matching dress shirts and suspenders, ranging from a blue version to a classic black and white one.

"Bow ties are cool," Lucky mumbled, closing his eyes.

"C'mon, Auntie! Wont you do it for me? Pretty please?" Cadence whined, following her aunt Luna down a hallway in the Canterlot Castle.

"I'm not doin it, Cadence, and that's FINAL!" Luna said, stomping a hoof and yelling.

Cadence backed away, a little scared. "B-but auntie! It's my birthday! And Hearts and Hooves Day! At the same time!"

Luna groaned. "Cadence! You've had two thousand, nine hundred, and ninety nine birthdays before this!"

"And you missed all of them!"

"Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Princess! I was on the moon! And I sent you meteor showers every year on your birthday!"

Cadence raised an eyebrow. "That was you? Huh. Who would've guessed."

Luna rolled her eyes. "I spelled your name out in a constellation. How could you not think it was a present?"

"Huh. I did not think of that."

Did everypony become and idiot while I was gone? Luna thought.

"Still!" Cadence said with a stomp. "Can't you pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaseeeeeeeee make an appearance at my Gala?"

"No."

"Is it that difficult for you to summon a giant, romantic moon for my party?"

"Yes. Well, no. I just don't want to." Luna turned her snout up.

"Why?"

"Shouldn't you be in bed?" Luna snickered.

Cadence rolled her eyes. "Auntie, please. I'm a two thousand, nine hundred, and ninety nine year-old immortal alicorn princess of love. I don't have a bedtime."

Luna groaned. "Fine. Everypony hates me. That's why I don't want to."

"But... You invited those fillies..."

"Everypony but them... And the Elements or Harmony, hate me."

Cadence sighed. "Auntie Luna, nopony hates you!"

Luna stomped a hoof. "YES THEY DO!" she blasted at her niece with the royal Canterlot voice.

The two alicorns stared at each other for what seemed like hours before a single tear formed on Luna's face, and she ran down the hall, heading towards her room.

Cadence stared an watched. "Auntie..." she muttered.

A door next to Cadence creaked open, and a tired Shining Armor peeked his head out. "Sweetie? What's wrong?"

Cadence sighed. "It's auntie Luna again."

Shining closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Cadence, she'll be fine. She probably just needs some time alone. C'mon, you still have more invites to send."

Cadence shrugged her wings and slowly made her way back into her and Shining's bedroom. She trotted over to a side table with multiple letters and invitations thrown over it. "I don't have that many left, actually," she said, glancing over them.

"Weren't you going to invite..." Shining paused for a moment. "Ya know... Him?"

"Who?"

"Exactly!" Shining exclaimed. "Weren't you inviting Who?"

Cadence stared at her husband blankly for a bit, and then gasped. "Oh yeah! I was gonna invite him!" She magically lifted up a glowing blue cube left on the table, and, focusing her magic, engraved a psychic message inside of it.

"But how am I going to get this to him?" Cadence asked.

Shining thought for a minute. "I don't know..."

"Maybe auntie Celestia knows?"

Shining laughed. "Even if she did, do you think she'd send it for us? She hates him!"

Cadence laughed again. "I guess that's true. But we still need to get this to him!" She shook the cube around a bit.

"Maybe we just need to focus our magic on him? Teleport it through time and space to reach him?"

Cadence bit her lip. "I suppose... Lets try that." The royal couple both grabbed onto the cube with their magic, and focused their thoughts on their old time-hopping friend. After a minute of struggling, a flash and a pop, the cube disappeared, teleported through time and space to their friend's location. Where ever the hell that was.

They stared at each other.

"Do you think it worked?" Shining asked.

"No," Cadence answered, "but we can hope." The pair laughed. "Lets get some shut-eye, honey."

Shining nodded and climbed into bed, followed by his wife. "G'night, sweetie," he whispered.

Technically in the same place, just another room, something else was happening. Luna was being depressed and stuff.

The princess of the night sat on her rump in her room, though she should have been down in the throne room ruling all of Equestria and such. That was her job, after all. Instead, she was in her room, moping. Not necessarily crying, just moping.

"I can't show my face at the Gala, not when a majority of the population is still afraid of me," she muttered to herself. She turned and sneezed into her hair, using its god-like properties as a tissue. "I bet some fillies are having nightmares about me right now!" she said, stifling a tear. "Or rather..."

Luna glanced over to her wall, where a familiar helmet rest on a hanger. The battle helm of Nightmare Moon. "Her."

The night's ruler glared daggers at the armor she once wore with pride, but now clung onto out of shame. The helmet that belonged to her darker side, the Bringer of Nightmare Eternal. Truly the worst villain Equestria ever faced. Luna looked up at the one remnant of Nightmare Moon, thinking about all of the young fillies fearing her. Of Nightmare Moon. Of Luna.

The princess cried.

But then again... There were the Six. They believed in her. They trusted her. They were her friends. "M-maybe..." Luna stuttered, "maybe they could help..." She smiled a bit "And maybe Cadence's Gala is a good idea. If I never stand up and show everypony I'm not that scary, they'll all stay afraid of me." Luna stood up and walked over to the desk in the corner of her room, standing beneath the helm of Nightmare Moon.

"I will go to that party!" she bellowed, royal Canterlot voice slipping out. She levitated up a feather pen and dipped it in ink, and then began scribbling something down on a piece of blue parchment. "I will do as Cadence asked, and everypony will see I'm not that bad!"

"Yes sister, but shouting wont get you anywhere."

Luna turned to see Clestia standing in her doorway, smiling at her.

"Tia?" Luna asked. "Shouldn't you be resting?"

"Yes, I probably should, but I have to raise the sun in a few hours anyway, and you woke me up." She chuckled a deep chuckle. "What are you writing, Lulu?" Celestia chuckled again.

Luna levitated another piece of parchment and threw it at the other princess. "Don't call me that. You know I hate it." She looked back to what she was writing. "I'm writing a letter to Twilight Sparkle and her friends asking for some help. I'm going to send it via dragonic mail-breath."

"...You mean Spike?"

Luna put a hoof to her chin. "Yes, I believe that is his name."

"Would you like me to send it sister? It's just..." she kicked one of her hooves at nothing in particular, "you've never sent a letter to Spike, and your magic is a bit... Unstable."

"Pffft!" Luna rolled her eyes. "Sister, please! I can manage."

Celestia bit her lip. "Okay sis. If you say so."

Luna stepped back and rolled up the scroll, holding it together with a clip that resembled her Mare-on-the-Moon insignia, which, though reminiscent of Nightmare Moon, looked really cool. She focused her magic on a fixed point, Spike, and the scroll was engulfed by a deep blue flame, and then vanished.

Luna looked over to her sister, who was hiding in the corner with her hair pulled over her eyes. "N-nothing exploded...?" she asked.

Luna laughed. "No, sister," she said. "There was nothing to worry about. Now get up."

"O-okay then..." Celestia said, getting up slowly and watching her step. "What was in the letter, anyway?"

"Oh, you know, just a life-changing offer for Miss Rarity," Luna said, turning and staring out the window.

Celestia stared at her sister, puzzled. "Oh. I see. Well," Celestia said, "I'm going to eat something, get ready for the morning. I promised wonderful temperature tomorrow."

"Still making up for that heat-wave, I see."

"Never again," Celestia said fiercely, glaring harshly at her sister.

Luna chuckled. "Whatever."

Celestia sighed and turned out the door. "Good night, sister."

"And good morning to you." Luna said.

They both chuckled, and Celestia walked out the door, smiling, and closed it behind her.

Let's cut to the chase. Evil cultists. About time.

In a secret, underground cavern, a small evil organization was meeting. A circular chamber was the feature room, and that's where everything was happening at the moment.

From three entryways around the room entered three mares, all garbed in black cloaks and hoods, concealing most of their faces. They walked silently to an altar in the center of the room and gathered around it, standing in silence. They stood there for a few moments before one spoke up.

"Hey girls," she said. "It's been a while."

"Hey!" another responded in a singsong voice.

"Hows it going?" the first one asked.

"Shut up, you two," the third one demanded with a proper voice. "She's coming."

The three turned and faced the fourth entryway, from which their leader walked in. Instead of the black cloak the other four wore, she donned a pale yellow, almost white, version of the same outfit. She marched over to the altar, pretty much oozing evil and leader-like authority. She halted when she reached the alter and stood in silence for a moment before opening her mouth to talk.

"The time of year has come again. We must go into action," she said with a creepy monotone.

The other three nodded.

"We must do what we can to make him fail. It's what we do."

The three nodded again.

"But we need not work too hard. He fails by himself."

The other three laughed, and their leader cut them off with a dismissive wave of her hoof.

"But this year is different. This is our target." She produced a picture from her pocket and placed it on the altar.

It was a picture of Rainbow Dash. A picture of her with Soarin. The others gasped.

"Rainbow Dash?" one said, surprised.

"Yes, her. The one we feared," the leader told them. "This will be difficult."

"Indeed," the proper-sounding one said.

"Yes. We will try our best. He must fail; it's what he does." She chuckled. It sounded very creepy with her monotone. "He's failed every other time. It shall not change."

This cult was, in fact, a group of Soarin's marefriends and past dates he successfully screwed up. They swore to work together to ruin all his future attempts at dates and marefriends. So far, they'd done pretty well.

"And now for the ceremonial burning of photographs and pie," the leader said.

They proceeded to burn the photograph, followed by perfectly good pies they all brought with them

Soarin sniffed. "I feel a great disturbance in the force, as if four perfectly good pies were all just ceremonially burned."

"You're crazy, Soarin," Spike said. "I like it. Now... Let's talk.."

TO BE CONTINUED

2x CLIFFHANGER COMBO!