"So explain to me again why we aren't going back to the castle?" Shining Armor asked, shifting to avoid a large stallion that was trying to carry a screaming foal and a carry-on bag through the packed train station (‘Note to self, buy birth control’). “I mean, I thought we did all this just to get cupcakes.” He gave Luna a hard stare but the princess ignored him.
"Well Shining, I realized that I have spent little time seeing Equestria," Luna stated, looking over the Destination Board in an attempt to find their train (which was silly because Equestria only had one train; they were suppose to have two but they had wasted all the money for the second one on making the first look like a child's toy). "I mean, yeah, I saw alot of it when i was trapped on the moon, but I was mostly picking out targets I wanted to blow up."
"But you no longer want to do that, right little sister?" Celestia said, a magazine floating in front of her face (‘Hmmm, I wonder if Joustin’ Beaver will ever find love…’).
"...yeah, sure, let's go with that." Luna began to make her way towards the ticket counter. "But now that I've been to Ponyville, I decided that I need to see all of Equestria! I want to see the mountains and the plains and the changeling hive so I can beat their queen up and the great cities and the tiny hamlets-"
"Wait... what was that last part?" Shining said.
"Changeling hive?" Luna said.
"No the..." Shining blinked, surprised that Luna hadn't played dumb.
The lunar goddess smirked at the captain’s dumbfounded expression. "Yeah, I figured it would get old quick if I kept trying to fool you; only so many excuses I can come up with to try and trick all of you. We're going to travel around Equestria, find the changelings, and beat them up."
"Are you ok with this?" Shining complained to Celestia.
The solar goddess shrugged. "I knew she was pulling this… I have been around for several thousand years.” Luna huffed but Celestia merely smiled. “I've learned that if I wait long enough Luna will get distracted by something shiny or her own reflection and forget all of her plans."
“I do not!” Luna complained.
“Yes little sister, whatever you said.” Celestia leaned in towards Shining, whispering the moment Luna turned away from them to purchase their tickets, "She became Nightmare Moon 5 times before she finally decided to actually fight me. The 3rd time she walked in and got distracted by a bird and I ended up telling her we'd gone to a costume party."
"You can't seriously believe-"
"Oooohhh..." Luna said, staring at her reflection in a window pane. "Look at the pretty mare! Who's a pretty mare! You are! You are!"
The God Squad
Episode 10: A Town Called Appleloosa
Celestia looked over the bag of bits, counting each little bar out, clinking them onto the table. "It was a smart idea to go to the bank and draw some bits from our account."
"Why didn't we do that sooner?" Shining asked, staring out the window as the train charged along the tracks. "We could have avoided the debate against that crazy pony and almost being eaten by that bear..."
Luna shot her sister a withering glare. "Somepony made a royal decree that we couldn't use our standing to help ourselves out."
Celestia shrugged, shoving the bits back into her bag. "It worked out in the end and now we have enough bits to get along comfortably."
The lunar goddess wasn't so convinced. "I still don't understand why we didn't withdraw more. I know you nearly bankrupted us pulling that prank on Twilight a few weeks ago, but after that loan Tydal gave us we have more than enough to live better than ‘comfortable’. We could have stayed in the finest hotels and eating the richest of desserts and had the most muscular of sex slaves…"
"You want to see Equestria and beat up a changeling. I want to see Equestria and act like the rest of my little ponies. As such, we will be, as they say, 'roughing it'."
"Speaking of sex, where are Cadence? She and Tydal were supposed to get our new disguises and meet us here." Shining eyes went wide. "I hope Cadence didn't miss the train! We'll have to go back and find her if we did! We can’t leave her behind… that would be horrible!"
"What about Tydal?" Celestia asked.
"...yeah, be a real shame if he got left behind."
The door slid open and the capricorn in question walked in. "I love you too, Captain Armor."
"What are you wearing?" Luna said, staring at her older brother. Tydal was decked out in a light brown cowboy hat and a long canvas poncho that covered most of his body, including his tail. On his hooves were brown shoes with little spurts on each heel, which jingled as he walked.
"I decided he should look the part, since we are going to be in the Wild West!" Cadence said in glee. "He's like the dolls I played with when I was a filly, except he is grumpy and threatens to beat ponies up!"
“Isn’t Appleloosa in the south? Why would you call it-“
"You look very dangerous, Tydal," Celestia stated politely. "The poncho fits you well."
"It better," the capricorn complained, using his magic to adjust his hat. "I am half fish and you are sending me to the driest place in Equestria. If I don’t cover up I’ll die."
“You’ll be fine,” Luna said with a wave of her hoof. “And if not I have a wonderful recipe for tartar sauce.”
“Oh, keep laughing,” Tydal said with a dark smirk. “Just wait till you see what Cadence bought for the rest of you.”
“I’m sure it will be fine,” Shining said, trotting over and giving his wife a kiss. “I trust her to pick out a nice, dignified outfit for each of us.”
“The chaps I got you are assless,” Cadence said.
Shining blinked.
“So, what does it feel like to have fate continually smack you upside the head?” Tydal asked, deciding to head to the dining car while the rest of them got dressed, but not before calling out, “And Luna? Yours are crotchless!”
~MC~MC~MC~
Luckily for the rest of them by the time the train stopped in town the next day Shining was able to convince Cadence that the assless chaps and crotchless pants were unneeded for their disguises (of course, considering they were normally naked it was strange that assless chaps and crotchless anything were a big deal). Instead, Shining stepped off the train with a long handlebar mustache (he had to remember to thank Twilight for showing him that spell) a black flat-brim hat and a short black jacket with long tails thrown over a white dress shirt.
The dry heat struck him and left him letting out a gasp, trying to adjust to the dusty air.
“Knock it off,” Tydal grumbled, pulling his hat down a more, the brim shading his eyes. “I’m the one that is in the frying pan.”
“Amazing,” Luna said as she emerged, “I can’t believe they managed to make a town out here in the desert.” The lunar mare had gone with a simple brown short jacket and a white cowboy hat, a hankerchief tied around her neck and a set of cowboy boots on her hooves.
“Our little ponies are quiet industrious,” Celestia stated. She had forgone any jackets and instead opted for a black vest, hat and boots. She also wore saddlebags, having decided that she would guard the money (knowing Cadence would gamble it away, Tydal would use it to buy cider, Luna would waste it on massages and Shining would attempt to buy train tickets back to Canterlot). “We should blend in quite well,” she stated, looking at all the ponies that mulled about, each one wearing a hat or jacket (apparently Ponyville was a nudist colony).
“Well, most of us,” Luna groused as she watched Cadence step out into the sun. The love goddess had gone completely different that the rest of them, wearing a short purple skirt and black crop top, along with fishnet stockings on her back legs. Royal violet feathers lined much of her outfit, her own wings tucked in tight and hidden by a boa she wore around her neck.
“What?” Cadence asked. “I got this outfit cheap because the last mare who wore it nearly caused a riot and got the town destroyed!”
“It looks lovely, sweetheart,” Shining said, bumping his flank against hers.
“Maybe I’ll wear it to bed tonight,” Cadence purred.
“Can you please wait till we are in the hotel before giving in and rutting like pigs?” Tydal complained, chewing on the toothpick he’d snagged from the dining car.
Celestia nodded. “Well now, let us take a look around and-“
“HOWDY THERE!” The party jumped back in fright as the light yellow stallion popped up in front of them, a huge smile on his face. “Glad to meet ya new folks! I’m Braeburn and I am here to welcome ya to APPPPPPLELOOOOSA! We are mighty glad to have new arrivals and as such I want to take a moment and welcome ya’ll to our humble town, which is, of course, called APPPPPPLELOOOOSA!”
Tydal just stared at the loud pony. “…I'm going to kill you in your sleep.”
“Wow, you folks sure do have a dark sense of humor!” Braeburn stated with a laugh.
“I’m not joking,” Tydal said.
Luna weakly chuckled. “Of course he is joking! He is such a kidder…”
“I’ll slit your throat and watch you bleed out.”
“…hahahaha, you are so funny brother but maybe you should be quiet now.” Luna shot the sea god a glare that spoke of pain if he kept pressing his luck.
“I’m going to find a tavern,” Tydal grunted.
“Oooh, I could go for a frosty one!” Cadence said. “Do you mind if I go, Shiny?”
Shining smiled. “Go right ahead, sweetheart.” Cadence began to skip towards the tavern, so she missed the captain pull Tydal aside. “Make sure she doesn’t begin singing, ok? Last thing any of us need is a song and dance number.” Tydal nodded and followed after the mare, leaving Shining, Luna and Celestia with a still grinning Braeburn.
“So, what brings ya’ll to APPPPLELOOOSA?”
“Why do you do that?” Luna asked.
“I suffered from heat stroke as a child and it gave me BRRAAAAAIN damage! Screwed up my speech real good. Luckily, no one minds it here in APPPPPLEOOOOSA!”
“…alright then, at least you are honest,” Luna said.
Celestia looked around, waving to several of the ponies that wished them welcome. “Every pony here is very friendly.”
“Why of course they are!” Braeburn said, tipping his hat to the local school mare. “If there is one thing we focus on here, it’s bein’ kind and friendly ta all that come into town. Now, if ya’ll would be kind enough to hide in this buildin’ with me, once the maruaders come ridin’ through I’ll show ya around in a right friendly manner!”
“Say what now?” Luna said as Braeburn shoved them into the general store. The store keep quickly slammed his door and with speed that shouldn’t have been possible quickly boarded up his windows. “What the hay is going on?” Luna complained.
Celestia looked between two of the boards, watching as the townsfolk mimicked Braeburn’s actions and hurried inside, sealing up the buildings and leaving the streets completely empty. “What are you all afraid of?”
“Don’t ya worry, we just have a band of trouble makers that come a’rushin’ through here around 1 pm. We tend to just wait them out and then get on with our lives.”
“You’re kidding,” Shining said in surprise. “And you just allow it?”
“Well, we didn’t at first. Sheriff Silver Star tried to stand up to them and they put him 6 feet in the ground.”
“They killed him?” Celestia said in horror.
Braeburn’s eyebrows rose up nearly into his mane. “What? Nah, of course not! They just dug a 6 foot hole and shoved him into it. We’re still tryin’ to find a rope to get him out of there.”
Luna opened her mouth to say move but was cut off by the cries and hollers of the marauders. The alicorn sisters and their captain watched as gang of cackling stallions rushed down the dusty Main Street, letting out whoops and hollers. The buildings rattled like they had been caught in an earthquake and the boards on the windows were trembling so hard for a moment the three thought they would fall down.
“Don’t worry none,” Braeburn said quietly, “long as they don’t see none of us they won’t do any damage. We stay in here and we will be a-ok.”
Shining, Luna, and Celestia all looked at each other, then peered at the tavern…
“What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here?!?” Tydal roared, emerging from the tavern, Cadence giggling as she drunkenly followed after him (Cadence was famously a feather-weight when it came to booze). Tydal looked at the gang of stallions and began to laugh. “By the Creator is the circus in town or something?”
“…well… this going to end well,” Luna muttered.