//------------------------------// // chapter 18. Duality // Story: Becoming Fluttershy // by Hope //------------------------------// I join the group at the table for breakfast and eat my apple while they chat. I didn’t get much idle chat as a kid, so it is refreshing and new to listen to them. “So the customer starts yelling at me because the food is taking too long, and just as the food is finished and I am handing it over, he asks for my manager!” Ed is saying, in between bites of cereal. “So I call for my manager, and we didn’t know that it was her last day, but she had been drinking. She stumbles out, cusses him out, and hands me her badge. Tells me I’m the new manager and walks out.” he says with wide eyes, shrugging. “That’s how I got promoted.” Julien laughs, shaking his head. “I work at a restaurant too, but since we are family owned I can pretty much tell them to go buck themselves if they annoy me.” I look over to Jessica. “You go to school or work?” I ask curiously. “Oh I am still going to school, senior year of high school. Hoping to get an arts degree when I graduate.” she says, smiling to her dad. He just nods, chuckling. “It’d be a waste not to. You’re damn good at what you do.” he tells his daughter. I tear up for a moment. That’s what I was missing. I fall silent as the others chat between themselves. I had been missing something in my little philosophical theory. I had been missing love. I don’t mean that all we do is motivated by sex, I mean we all need love to live. Love for ourselves, love for a sibling or friend, love to a significant other. Fear and hope drove us away from or towards love. I wondered how long it had been since I had loved myself. I was happier and more comfortable with myself now than I had ever been in my life. For a long, long time I hadn’t liked myself at all. I considered every idea I had to be terrible, I looked to others for guidance on every bit of my life. I hadn’t even believed it when Dash had told me that I shouldn’t listen to bullies. I had been bullied all through high school until I met him, and Ben had gone on to help me learn how to stand up for myself. We drifted apart over time, even though we were such close friends. I still had his phone number, but surely he wouldn’t have time to listen to my ramblings. He had been the first step in my self discovery. He taught me that being strong doesn't mean being cruel or cold. I look up and see that the table has fallen mostly silent, Julien looking at me expectantly. “I’m sorry, what did you say?” I ask, looking down at the wooden tabletop. “Not a problem, I had asked you if you needed more supplies for the trip.” Ron said, without skipping a beat. “Oh I’m sure we will be fine.” I say, smiling. “And by that she means that we are broke and any help will be appreciated.” Julien adds. I wince. “We aren’t that bad off...” I protest. “Uh huh.” Julien says, raising an eyebrow. “I mean, I’ve still got some space on the credit cards.” “Uh-huh.” “Most of the food is still good!” “Uh-huh.” “If anything we can stop at the side of the road and eat some grass...” “Uh-huh.” “Stop it!” “Uh-huh.” I stop talking and just glare at the smug unicorn. “Uh-huh.” “AAAAAHHGG!” I scream in rage, and jump across the table, knocking him off the chair as Ed starts laughing over his sister’s gasp. A moment later, Ron pulls me off the uninjured and laughing white and blue blur. “Come on now, you two. Cut it out.” Ron puts me back on my chair and helps Julien up onto his. “I just got assaulted by a cloud. Pegasi have no weight at all. But good try.” I just bury my head in my forelegs and start crying. “Woah, woah, calm down. What’s wrong?” Julien’s tone goes from jovial to worried in the space of six words. “I... Don’t want to take more of their money... and I’m so scared because I don’t know which thoughts in my head are mine anymore, and I’m so far away from home...” I succumb to the tears and just whimper. “Hey, it will be okay.” Ed says as all four of them move over to hug me in a big group. I feel warm, safe, but my fears aren’t all gone. “Who am I?” I ask quietly. “You are you. No matter the name, shape, or place, you are whoever you want to be. If you want to be Erica, then be Erica.” Julien says, putting a hoof under my chin to look into my eyes. “I know how you feel. I know how scary it is...” He swallows and looks away for a second before looking back. “I feel like I need to get to New York right now, because my job is to guard Celestia. I feel like every second we are here I am failing at my duty, but I know it will all work out, okay? Smile.” he coaxes. I pull a smile and everyone hugs one more time before letting go. “I suppose you both had better be heading out sooner rather than later then.” Ron says with a firm now to Julien. “If that is okay. I wish we could just stay here but we have a trip to make.” Julien says, smiling. “I understand, how bout you go get your things together, lass.” Ron points to the stairs and I nod, heading up them. On my way up, I hear Ron’s voice carry easily through the doorway. “For food and gas, and here is our number if you need anything else.”