About forty five minutes passed after that, forty five minutes of me fidgeting in my seat while we rolled down the highway. It was really an unusual feeling, being in this living sugar rush called Pinkie Pie; I had long ago developed a tolerance for long road trips, seeing as we made annual visitations to my Oklahoma-dwelling grandparents and their barn for, generally, fourth of July celebrations. But now being still was something of a hassle for me, I had a constant urge to swivel this joint or look out that window or just twitch.
And of course there were the various small things that happened while we drove northwards. Montage time!
***
I was a little bit hungry, so I reached into my saddlebags. After struggling to get a grip on any of my noms, I tugged my hoof out and rearranged my pencil-fingers before trying again. This time I was able to snag a cliff bar, chopstick style. Hooray, I thought, I have accomplished a basic ability!
Then the universe reminded me that the bar was still wrapped.
"Note to self, contact governmental representative and have him pass legislation for handless-friendly designs."
"What was that?" my brother asked over his shoulder.
"Nothing! Nothing at all!" I smiled politely, waving with the hoof that hadn't grabbed the cliff bar. "Just keep driving." I was NOT going to let a cliff bar defeat me, car doors I could handle, but this was something I could LITERALLY jam into my mouth.
"If you need help--"
"I'm fine, really!"
He sighed. "Right. Whatever you say."
Now to unwrap this bar...
No, that didn't work....
No, that wasn't working either...
Maybe this would-- "Ow! My eye!" No, that wasn't it....
Hey, if I used my knees I could--oh flark, now it was on the floor. I leaned forward, straining against my seat belt to reach it.
Perhaps I was overthinking this. A simple twist of my neck might--"Ow! My ear!" How did that even work?!
Eventually, after various attempts to hold it this way with my hooves and tug that way with my mouth, I hit upon a brilliant solution. I pulled out my sketchpad, closed, and put the bar back-up atop the surface. Then, with a quartet of pencils speared through the wrapper's corners, I gripped the rear fold between my teeth and lifted. Slowly, the covering began to peel away, releasing the scents of the energy bar into the van.
I grinned, nabbing my prize and swallowing. Victory had never tasted so sweet.
"That took you seven minutes," my brother informed me helpfully.
My ears flattened. "Thank you for the vote of confidence."
***
"So what was with the horse?"
I flicked my ear forward. "What?"
"I saw how you were scared of that horse. You were never scared before."
"I was not scared," I snorted, "I was just... creeped out. I think it was an uncanny valley thing."
"Horses don't look that human."
"Pony," I reminded him, tapping my face meaningfully. "Different wires. I mean, I'm not sure but I thi...ee...eeeCHOO!"
There was a quiet moment.
"....is this confetti in my hair?"
"Yes," I confirmed. "Yes it is."
"Well... that's... weird."
"Try having it come out of your nose." I rolled my shoulders. "Heck, put on this body for a change. I am so over energetic that I have to force myself NOT to chew out of this seatbelt, and that's not even figuring the proportion changes. My tail's half asleep, I keep getting random twitches that I KNOW is supposed to be Pinkie sense, and to top it all off I DO NOT HAVE FINGERS."
He gave me a small smile. "Or a--"
"That's not as important. Trust me."
"Hey, look on the bright side. You're adorable."
"....as soon as we cross the Red River we are pulling out so I can stretch my legs."
***
".....Dooby dooby do wa, dooby dooby do wa..."
My brother raised an eyebrow, but joined in. "Dooby dooby do wa, dooby dooby do wa..."
"He's a semi-aquatic egg laying mammal of action!"
"He's a furry little flatfoot that never flinches from a frayiayiaaaaay!
"He's got more then just mad skill! He's got a beaver tail and a bill!"
"And the ladies swoon, whenever they hear him saaaaaaaay...."
"Krrrr... um, Chrrt... No, I can't do it. Shreeprats."
We rode in silence for... three seconds.
Then, together: "He's PERRY! Perry the PLAT A PUSS!"
***
After two minutes of entering a simple search phrase into the google searchbar, I grew frustrated with the iPad's typing scheme. Of course, since it was a touchscreen, all I had to do was find an alternate keyboard app. That took about five minutes, and soon enough I was browsing the intertublars with my old confidence. It occurred to me to look at Facebook, see if the Fluttershy person had replied.
I am going to take a shot in the dark and guess you are Pinkie Pie? I got in a bit of an accident and I am stuck in the middle of Kansas, but we could meet in Kansas City in a few days. What do you mean by "See a horse"?
My eyes widened. She had guessed?! How could she have figured out that I was Pinkie?! I was deliberately pushing her back, trying to let my own thoughts be driving the post!
I will admit, with the abject terror running through my head, I squeaked a little bit.
"Everything okay back there?"
"Yep! Nothing's wrong! Just a mild existential panic attack, I have those once a week!"
My brother gave me an odd look in the rearview mirror.
"No seriously, I have existential panic attacks pretty regularly. Mostly when I sit around and stare at the wall. The pony thing is just compounding it." I shrugged. "It's a thing. It happens."
"You... never mentioned them before."
"Yeah, I wasn't much of a talker before, now was I?"
He conceded the point with a nod, but he was still giving me a look somewhere between worried and suspicious. The 'what are you not telling me' look.
"Oh hey, Erishy responded to my message! Look at that, I better type back."
"Reid, you should really talk to me if--"
"No no no, I'm fine, really, it's cool, my problems are my own and you can't do anything to help anyway so please just don't worry about it and keep your eyes on the road."
"Look, we're traveling together and I just want to make sure you don't go crazy."
"I've always been crazy."
"No, you've always used insanity as a disguise for doing whatever it is you want to do. Now that you're actually possibly going insane you think you can use your made up insanity to distract me from your real insanity."
I flinched.
"...just... tell me if it gets worse."
"...what would you be able to--?"
"Pinkie Pie promise," he added forcefully. "You'll tell me if things get really bad in your head."
I sighed. "That would just make it worse. Trust me. It's gone now, anyway."
There was a few minutes of silence. With a shudddering breath, I turned back to the iPad.
Is it really that obvious? I was repressing her for the last post. It was meant to be a big surprise. *Grump grump grump* Oh well, Kansas City Shuffle it is!
No need to worry her, of all ponies. Producing Fluttertears is a federal crime. I pondered the rest of her message, wondering how to explain it to a non-genre-savvy pony.
And I mean see a horse. You are now a pony on a road trip. You need a few random shenanigans before I come along. It's practically required. And as a pony, you should see a horse.
After a moment's thought, I decided to sign off with my own unique gibberish.
Skreep and ratzors!