Into the Mind of a Simpler Mare

by harrytheneat

It's confusing, but I'm going to find out all about my life

April 6 - Today, I learned, the comma, this is, a, comma (,) a period, with, a tail, Mr. Whooves, says its, importent, because, it makes writing, better, he said, somepony, could lose, a lot, of money, if a comma, isnt in, the right, place, I got, some money, that I, saved from, my job, and what, the foundation, pays me, but not, much and, I dont, see how, a comma, keeps, you from, losing it, But, he says, everypony, uses commas, so I'll, use them, too.

April 7 - I used the comma wrong. Its punctuation. Mr. Whooves told me to look up long words in the dictionary to learn to spell them. I said whats the difference if you can read it anyway. He said its part of your education so from now on I need to look up all the words Im not sure how to spell.
It takes a long time to write that way but I think Im remembering more and more. Anyway thats how come I got the word punctuation right. Its that way in the dictionary. Mr. Whooves says a period is punctuation too, and there are lots of other marks to learn. I told him I thought he meant all the periods had to have tails and be called commas. But he said no.
He said; You, got. to-mix?them!up: he showd? me" how, to mix! them; up, and now! I can. mix (up all? kinds of punctuation- in, my. writing! There" are lots, of rules; to learn? but. Im' get'ting them in my head: One thing? I, like: about, Dear Mr. Whooves: (thats~ the way? it goes; in a business, letter (if I ever go! into business?) is that, he: always; gives me' a reason" when-I ask. He"s a genius! I wish? I cou'd be smartlike-him; Punctuation, is? fun!

April 8 - What a derp I am! I didn't even understand what he was talking about. I read the grammar book last night and it explains the whole thing. Then I saw it was the same way as Mr. Whooves was trying to tell me, but I didn't get it. I got up in the middle of the night and the whole thing straightened out in my mind.
Mr. Whooves said that the TV is working, just before I fell asleep and during the night, helped out. He said I reached a plateau. That's like the flat top of a hill. After I figured out how punctuation worked, I read over all my old progress reports from the beginning. Boy, did I have crazy spelling and punctuation! I told Mr. Whooves I ought to go over the pages and fix all the mistakes, but he said, "No, Ditzy, Twilight wants them just as they are. That's why she lets you keep them after they're photostated-to see your own progress. You're coming along fast, Ditzy." That made me feel good. After the lesson I went down and played with Angel. We don't race any more.

April 10 - I feel sick. Not like for a doctor, but inside my chest it feels empty, like getting punched and a heartburn at the same time. I wasn't going to write about it, but I guess I got to, because it's important. Today was the first day I ever stayed home from work on purpose.
Last night Kick and Swifter invited me to a party. There were lots of Stalions and Grumpy was there. I remembered how sick I got last time I drank too much, so I told Swifter I didn't want to drink anything. He gave me a plain Pona-Cola instead. It tasted funny, but I thought it was just a bad taste in my mouth.
We had a lot of fun for a while. "Dance with Doughnut Joe," Kick said. "He’ll teach you the steps." Then he winked at him like he had something in his eye. He said, "Why don't you leave her alone?" Kick slapped me on the back. "This is Derpy Hooves, she’s my buddy, my pal. She's no ordinary mare-he's been promoted to working on the sorting machine. All I did was ask you to dance with her and give her a good time. What's wrong with that?" He pushed me up close against him. So he danced with me.
I fell three times and I couldn't understand why because no one else was dancing besides Joe and me. And all the time I was tripping because somepony's hoof was always sticking out. They were all around in a circle watching and laughing at the way we were doing the steps. They laughed harder every time I fell, and I was laughing too because I thought it was funny. But the last time it happened I didn't laugh. I picked myself up and Kick pushed me down again.
Then I saw the look on Kick's face and it gave me a funny feeling in my stomach. "She's a scream," one of the mares said. Everypony was laughing. "Oh, you were right, Kick," choked Joe. "She's a one mare side show." Then Swifter said, "Here, Derpy, have a fruit." he gave me an apple, but when I bit into it, it was fake. Then Swifter started laughing and he said, "I told ya she'd eat it. C'mon you imagine anypony dumb enough to eat wax fruit?" Doughnut Joe said, "I ain't laughed so much since we sent her around the corner to see if it was raining that night we ditched her at Vinyl's."
Then I remembered in my mind when I was a filly and the other fillies in the block let me play with them, hide-and-go-seek and I was looking for them. After I counted up to two fifteen times on my hooves I went to look for the others. I kept looking until it got cold and dark and I had to go home. But I never found them and I never knew why.
What Swifter said reminded me. That was the same thing that happened at Vinyl's. And that was what Kick and the rest of them were doing. Laughing at me. And the fillies playing hide-and-go-seek were playing tricks on me and they were laughing at me too.
The ponies at the party were a bunch of blurred faces all looking down and laughing at me. "Look at her! Her face is red." "She's blushing. Derpy's blushing." "Hey, Joe, what'd you do to Derpy? I never saw her act like this before." "Boy, Joe sure got her worked up." I didn't know what to do or where to turn. Him rubbing up against me made me feel funny. Everypony was laughing at me and all of a sudden I felt naked. Even more naked than usual.
I wanted to hide myself so they wouldn't see. I ran out of the apartment. It was a large apartment house with lots of halls and I couldn't find my way to the staircase. I forgot all about the elevator. Then, after, I found the stairs and ran out into the street and walked for a long time before I went to my room. I never knew before that Swifter and Kick and the others liked to have me around just to make fun of me. Now I know what they mean when they say "to pull a Derpy Hooves." I'm ashamed. And another thing. I dreamed about that Stallion Joe dancing and rubbing up against me and when I felt funny.

April 13 - Still didn't go back to work at the post office. I told Mr. Rich, my landlord, to call and tell Grumpy I'm sick. Mr. Rich looks at me lately like he's scared of me. I think it's a good thing about finding out how everypony laughs at me.
I thought about it a lot. It's because I'm so dumb and I don't even know when I'm doing something dumb. Ponies think it's funny when a dumb pony can't do things the same way they can.
Anyway, now I know I'm getting a little smarter every day. I know punctuation, and I can spell good. I like to look up all the hard words in the dictionary and I remember them. And I try to write these progress reports very careful but that's hard to do. I am reading a lot now, and Mr. Whooves says I read very fast. And I even understand a lot of the things I'm reading about, and they stay in my mind. There are times when I can close my eyes and think of a page and it all comes back like a picture. But other things come into my head too. Sometimes I close my eyes and I see a clear picture.
Like this morning just after I woke up, I was laying in bed with my eyes open. It was like a big hole opened up in the walls of my mind and I can just walk through. I think its far back... a long time ago when I first started working at the post office. I see the street where the building is. Fuzzy at first and then it gets patchy with some things so real they are right here now in front of me, and other things stay blurred, and I'm not sure... A little old earth pony with a baby carriage made into a pushcart with a charcoal burner, and the smell of roasting chestnuts, and snow on the ground. A young pegasis, skinny and wall eyed and a scared look on her face looking up at the sign. What does it say? Blurred letters in a way that don't make sense. I know now that the sign says Ponyville Local Post Office, but looking back in my memory at the sign I can't read the words through her eyes. None of the signs make sense. I think that the mare with the scared look on her face is me.
Bright neon lights. Hearth’s Warming trees and sidewalk peddlers. Ponies bundled in coats with collars up and scarves around their necks. But she has no gloves. Her hooves are cold and she puts down a heavy bundle of brown paper bags. She's stopping to watch the little mechanical toys that the peddler winds up the tumbling bear, the dog jumping, the seal spinning a ball on its nose. Tumbling, jumping, spinning. If she had all those toys for herself she would be the happiest pony in Equestria.
She wants to ask the red-faced peddler, with his Hooves sticking through the brown cotton gloves, if she can hold the tumbling bear for a minute, but she is afraid. He picks up the bundle of paper bags and puts it on her shoulder. She is skinny but she is strong from many years of hard work.
"Derpy! Derpy!... wall eyed Derpy!" Fillies circle around her laughing and teasing her like little dogs snapping at her hooves. Derpy smiles at them. She would like to put down her bundle and play games with them, but when she thinks about it the skin on her back twitches and she feels the way the older fillies throw things at her. Coming back to the post office she sees some young unicorns standing in the door of a dark hallway.
"Hey look, there's Derpy!" "Hey, Derpy. What you got there?" "C'mere. We won't hurtya." But there is something about the doorway-the dark hall, the laughing, that makes her skin twitch again. She tries to know what it is but all she can remember is their dirt and spit all over her mane, and Uncle Deedle shouting when she came home all covered with filth, and how Uncle Deedle ran out with a hammer in his hand to find the fillies who did that to her.
Ditzy backs away from the fillies laughing in the hallway, drops the bundle. Picks it up again and runs the rest of the way to the post office. "What took you so long, Derpy?" shouts Grumpy from the doorway to the back of the building. Ditzy pushes through the swinging doors to the back and sets down the bundle on one of the counters. She wishes she had her lucky coin with her.
She likes it back here in the post office where the floors are full of piles of crates. The thick soles of her own hooves are crusted with snow. She relaxes here - squatting against the wall leaning back in a way that tilts her baseball cap with the D forward over her eyes. She likes the smell of bubble wrap, cardboard, and stamps. The sorter is whirling and makes her sleepy. Sweet... warm... sleep... Suddenly, falling, twisting, head hitting against the wall. Somepony has kicked her legs out from under her. That's all I can remember.
I can see it all clearly, but I don't know why it happened. It's like when I used to go to the movies. The first time I never understood because they went too fast but after I saw the picture three or four times I used to understand what they were saying. I've got to ask Twilight about it.

April 14 - Twilight says the important thing is to keep recalling memories like the one I had yesterday and to write them down. Then when I come into the library we can talk about them. When I went to her room this morning, she told me about how important it is for me to learn about myself so that I can understand my problems. I said I didn't have any problems. She laughed and then she got up and went to the window. "The more intelligent you become the more problems you'll have, Ditzy. Your intellectual growth is going to outstrip your emotional growth. And I think you'll find that as you progress, there will be many things you'll want to talk to me about. I just want you to remember that this is the place for you to come when you need help."
I still don't know what it's all about, but she said even if I don't understand my dreams or memories or why I have them, sometime in the future they're all going to connect up, and I'll learn more about myself. She said the important thing is to find out what those ponies in my memories are saying. It's all about me when I was a filly and I've got to remember what happened. I never knew about these things before.
It's like if I get intelligent enough I'll understand all the words in my mind, and I'll know about those fillies standing in the hallway, and about my Uncle Deedle and my parents. But what she means is then I'm going to feel bad about it all and I might get sick in my mind. So I've got to come to the library twice a week now to talk about the things that bother me. We just sit there, and I talk, and Twilight listens. It's called therapy, and that means talking about things will make me feel better.
I told her one of the things that bothers me is about Stallions. Like dancing with Joe got me all excited. So we talked about it and I got a funny feeling while I was talking, cold and sweaty, and a buzzing inside my head and I thought I was going to throw up. Maybe because I always thought it was dirty and bad to talk about that. But Twilight said what happened to me after the party was normal, and it's a natural thing that happens to mares.
It's confusing, but I'm going to find out all about my life.