//------------------------------// // Help! // Story: Spike's Pinkie Pie // by MallaJong1 //------------------------------// Okay, okay! I get it! It’s time to get back into it, right? The narrator needs to hurry up and start narrating! That’s what you want to say, right? I know you’re all thinking it! To get off my ass and start narrating! That’s it, right? Right? Fine! I’m here. I was taking a nice little nap, but then you all started sticking your dirty little fingers in my face, ordering me to wake up and take a shower. Well, I’m showered, everypony! I even used conditioner, so now I smell like roses! Are you happy yet? Are you all satisfied, oh, dear audience? Because I’m disgruntled right now. But that never mattered to you, did it? Narrate this. Narrate that. It’s all the same with you bronies. Alright, I’ve calmed down a bit. Whew. Sorry about that. I just needed to vent. So where were we again? Oh, that’s right! Spike the baby dragon and Pinkie Pie the earth pony have just entered a new relationship. Hah! Every time I look back to this particular story I laugh. So much occurred it’s insane. You can imagine the kinds of misadventures Spike and Pinkie Pie had gotten themselves into. The hilarity of it all never ceases to blow my mind. Let’s analyze the current situation, shall we? Spike had unwittingly become the victim of Pinkie Pie’s senseless frivolity. That’s not too surprising, though. The pony’s affinity to her Element was painfully apparent. Therefore, when Spike confessed his growing attraction towards Pinkie Pie, he should have known that an event such as becoming the party mare’s special somepony was an entirely probable consequence. No question about it. He should have known. Laughter was without a doubt the proper response to this circumstance. Regarding Spike’s predicament, how can one NOT laugh like a hyena on mushrooms? I know I couldn’t fight it the first time I witnessed his dilemma. To put it frankly, Spike had gotten himself into some pretty deep shit. Yet, by the will of Pinkie Pie, it was shit that she didn’t mind frolicking in. And did she frolic? You bet your ass she did. She didn’t just frolic in it, she was swimming in it! She was downright having a blast in that shit! She was having so much fun she didn’t even notice Spike drowning. Spike’s Pinkie Pie “Spike, aren’t you as excited as I am?” Pinkie Pie squealed happily. “We’re a couple now!” “Pinkie Pie, you’ve said that like ten times already.” Spike groaned, rubbing his temples stressfully. “I don’t get what’s happening anymore. I need to think.” “Why think when you can just do?” Pinkie Pie pushed her nose into Spike’s, grinning. “It’s much, much more fun that way!” Spike reeled back in shock, covering his snout. “T-that’s fine and all, but why are you so set on being my marefriend all of a sudden?” “You like me, don’t you?” Pinkie Pie continued grinning. “Wouldn’t this be the right solution to everything then? You get to cuddle with me, and I don’t end up alone.” “C-cuddle?” Spike blushed furiously, blinking. “W-wait. What do you mean you won’t end up alone?” “Oh, that.” Pinkie Pie waved her hoof dismissively, giggling. “That’s all in the past. It’s just going to be you and me from now on, Spikey.” “Hold on. Hold on.” Spike shook his head and stood on his chair. “I still don’t understand what’s going on, Pinkie. What are you–?“ “Spikey, Spikey, Spikey. That nickname’s too boring!” Pinkie Pie cut off Spike. “We’re lovers now, so we should have special nicknames for each other! I need to start thinking of a new one for my little Spikey-poo.” “Spikey-poo?” Spike grimaced. “No, that doesn’t work. How about Spikey-boo?” Pinkie Pie thought aloud, tittering joyously. “Spikester? Spikeman? Spiker The Biker? Spikenstein? Spikey-Me-Likey? There’s just so many options to choose from!” Spikenstein? Nice one, Pinkie Pie. But I think Spikey-POO is most suitable at the moment. “I can’t wait to tell everypony at our announcement party, Spikenator!” Pinkie Pie jumped, playing around with more nicknames. “It’s going to be the best party we’ll ever host EVER!” Pinkie Pie had reserved Sugarcube Corner’s party hall specifically for her pet’s After-Birthday-Party. She had decorated the room with a rainbow of streamers, ribbons, balloons and an ample supply of festive adornments. The colorful quarters could only produce refreshing smiles for any who entered. At least that is what Spike initially believed after having been invited by his pink companion. Of course, that was no longer the case for our little protagonist. Because after once again being bombarded with Pinkie Pie’s extemporaneous antics, an expression of sheer panic and confusion remained plastered on his round mug. And to make matters even more stupefying, Pinkie Pie wasn’t allowing Spike any chance to contemplate his situation. Pinkie Pie was not trying to perplex Spike on purpose. It was just part of her nature to take things in stride and move on untouched. Why think when you can just do, right? A commendable plan to stick to, I’ll admit wholeheartedly. Though it seemed only the most charismatic were able to successfully live by this law of behavior, hence Pinkie Pie’s triumph in life. On the other hand, Spike wasn’t cutting it. He’s been Pinkie Pie’s special somepony for only five minutes and he was already suffering from a mental breakdown. His brain cells were cooking like eggs on a skillet. Pinkie Pie was his marefriend? Spike had a marefriend now? Ridiculous! But wait! Why not observe the benefits? Because now that Spike thought about it, this instantaneous development was also kind of…cool! Wait till Snips and Snails heard about this!, Spike imagined. And Twilight! Spike anticipated the day when he could rub it in his mother figure’s face. She had always labeled Spike’s affections towards Rarity as childish and immature. Though now that he was with Pinkie Pie, she’d be enlightened by his very mature decisions…right? But wait again! Thinking about it now, how would everypony actually react to the news? What was Rarity going to think? Would she care at all? And did Spike truly see Pinkie Pie as a potential marefriend in the first place? Did he like-like her that much? Spike’s mind was muddled with these types of bewildering questions. There was absolutely no clarity to any of them either. The more he dug, the most lost he ended up. And Spike didn’t like being lost. Not appropriately comprehending the magnitude of the present condition was dangerous. Unlike Spike, however, Pinkie Pie enjoyed straying from the regular path. Why? Because it was just another adventure to take on. The lack of predictions for the future was all part of the excitement, too! There lay more surprises ahead! Throughout his entire exploration into the realm of volatility, Spike finally came upon a decision. Pinkie Pie was about to blab to all of Equestria about their sudden relationship, and Spike felt he must refrain her from doing so. For now at any rate. He just needed time to think. First think, then do. There was no way he was abiding by Pinkie Pie’s philosophy just yet. It was the only answer he could figure amid the chaos within his membrane. Just because one side said they were both in a relationship, did that mean it was true? Or was it unrequited? To Spike, he had an obligation to stall for time. This conundrum would have to be drilled extensively. Only then could he solve it. “Spikey-Bob-Thorton, let’s have the party tonight!” Pinkie Pie hugged Spike tightly, pressing her cheek into Spike’s. “Oooh! And it can be a sleepover, too! A double party! It will be the greatest sleepover-fiesta in history!” “Uh, Pinkie, about that–“ “We’ll call it the Great Equestrian Sleep-Date! Every mare and colt’s welcome to join in!” Spike blushed harder. “Or we can call it something else. But we should also wait until–“ “I got it! We’ll call it the Ultimate Sleepover of Love!” Pinkie Pie pumped her hoof in the air. “I don’t think that–“ “No, this one’s better! Spike-And-Pinkie’s Amazing Lovefest! How about calling it The Best Sugarcube Fun-gasm? “Pinkie Pie, if we’re going to have a party, then it should be another day!” Spike finally spat out. Pinkie Pie released Spike, bouncing back. “Why, Spikemeister? I think we should come out to everypony as soon as possible!” “But…” Spike searched for excuses. “Don’t you think we need time to invite everypony? We could at least give it a day or two.” Pinkie Pie contemplated Spike’s words. “Hmm. It is pretty late. We could have the party tomorrow, I guess. Is that what you really want, Spikey-Dykey?” “Nothing would make me happier.” Spike sighed in relief. “Please, promise me you won’t tell anypony about us until the party, okay?” “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my–“ Pinkie Pie was about to finish her famous Pinkie Promise. She was literally half a second away from completing the ritual. And if she had, you can be sure that Pinkie Pie would have stayed true to her principles. Unfortunately for Spike, she was interrupted by a certain cyan pegasus. Who was this pegasus? You got it: it was Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash had been sent by the rest of the gang to pick up Pinkie Pie for her surprise party. Little did the pegasus know, though, was that an even bigger surprise was on the horizon. A surprise that was sure to slap Rainbow Dash right upside that polychromatic-maned head of hers. “Hey, there, Pinkie Pie. Sorry I was in such a rush earlier. Had some place to be and I couldn’t slow down and say ‘hello’. You know how it goes.” Rainbow Dash said sheepishly. “I know how it goes, alright.” Pinkie Pie snapped back, gritting her teeth. Watch out, Rainbow Dash. Pinkie Pie thinks you hate her. Better step back. “Yeah.” Rainbow Dash looked away ashamedly. “So, why don’t we head on over to Sweet Apple Acres? Oh, hey, Spike. Didn’t see you there.” “Hey, Rainbow Dash.” Spike waved nervously, noticing Pinkie Pie’s angered state. Spike could sense Pinkie Pie’s hostile aura from a mile away. Rainbow Dash could detect it as well. And as a result the two assumed only trouble was afoot. Well, they were correct in that assumption. “I’m not going anywhere. Not with you, anyway.” Pinkie Pie wrapped her hooves around Spike. “I’m staying here with my little Spikey-doo-doo.” “Spikey-doo-doo?” Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow, looking to Spike. Spike tensed up. What was Pinkie Pie spouting out now? She promised she wouldn’t say anything, didn’t she? Rainbow Dash was going to find out everything if this kept up! And why was she suddenly behaving so antagonistic towards Rainbow Dash?, Spike wondered. Was Pinkie Pie that clingy or something? “Heh. She’s just saying stuff, Rainbow Dash.” Spike chuckled anxiously, shrugging. “You know how she is. Kooky ol’ Pinkie Pie.” “Right…” Rainbow Dash replied, unconvinced. “Whatever. I just need Pinkie Pie to come with me. You can come, too, Spike.” “Like I said, we’re not going anywhere with you!” Pinkie Pie growled, squeezing Spike closer to her body. “P-Pinkie Pie, you’re squeezing me.” Spike grunted through squished cheeks. “Come on, Pinkie Pie. Just come with me.” Rainbow Dash flittered forward. “We need to go now!” “No! You can’t make us!” Pinkie Pie stubbornly stated, bringing Spike even closer. “That hurts…Pinkie Pie…” Spike pushed back at Pinkie Pie, but to no avail. “Oh, yeah?” Rainbow Dash’s patience was wearing thin. “Just watch! You’re coming with me whether you want to or not!” “No way!” Pinkie Pie squeezed Spike harder. “I…can’t…breathe…” Spike choked out, his eyes widening. “Stop acting so stubborn! We’re going to Sweet Apple Acres!” Rainbow Dash yelled. “Not. Gonna. Happen.” Pinkie Pie hugged Spike even tighter after each pause. “Please…” Spike gasped. “Yes, you are!” Rainbow Dash disputed threateningly. “No, I’m not!” Pinkie Pie barked. “Help…me…” Spike pleaded his last breath. Here’s the thing, everypony. Spike wasn’t kidding. He seriously wasn’t able to breathe. To the ignorance of Pinkie Pie, she was embracing Spike so forcefully that he was beginning to black out. That crazy bitch was strangling the poor baby dragon! Spike clawed fervently at Pinkie Pie’s hooves, kicking about like a decapitated chicken. Alas, it was all for naught. His eyes popping and his trachea cracking, Spike’s body convulsed as he pathetically plummeted into the land of unconsciousness. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were too distracted arguing back and forth to take any notice. And when the baby dragon FINALLY ceased moving – when his eyes FINALLY rolled into the back of his head – Rainbow Dash FINALLY saw the warning. FINALLY. “P-Pinkie Pie! Let go of Spike! I don’t think he can breathe!” Rainbow Dash gulped worriedly. “I’m not listening to you!” Pinkie Pie turned her head away pigheadedly. “Pinkie Pie! You gotta let go!” “Nuh, uh! Not listening!” “Pinkie Pie!” “Lalalalalalalalalalalala!” Rainbow Dash is a pony of instinct. Too bad her instincts kicked in too late, otherwise she could have saved Spike while he was sinking into a world of blackness. Nonetheless, the cyan pegasus started taking command of her role, and she shot forward full speed. Grabbing ahold of Spike’s legs, Rainbow Dash pulled with all her might. Using every ounce of her strength, the pegasus tried stripping the baby dragon away from Pinkie Pie’s monstrous grip. Pinkie Pie wasn’t planning to release him, though. First Rainbow Dash ignored her all day, and now she was stealing her Spikey-Me-Likey? Not a chance! “Give him to me!” Rainbow Dash screamed, straining. “He’s not yours! He’s mine!” Pinkie Pie’s face reddened in rage. It was such a humorous scene. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were simultaneously pulling at Spike’s lifeless frame, shouting gibes at each other like balls rallying in a tennis court. Rainbow Dash flapped her wings violently while Pinkie Pie’s hooves remained glued to the floor. The two partook in a heated tug of war battle – the prize being Spike’s cataleptic body. It was a grand test of endurance, yet nopony seemed to be winning or losing. They were at a stalemate. Two mares fighting for Spike? Typical. Spike gets all the bitches.