I hit the ground, hard, cobblestone does not go well with bones. “OW BITCH!” I yelled and shot up from my little dust cloud and cracked street. “Ok where am I?” I wondered out loud. No one answered me though because I gave them one hell of a scare. “Eh, I’ll find out sooner or later.” I said with a shrug and began to walk the streets of the enormous city. There we races of all kinds here! Most I couldn’t begin to name. “I should have payed more attention in school.” I said with a chuckle. I must have been heading outwards from the city cause I could now see a rather large stone wall before me, and a gate. “Cool.” I commented and kept walking until I was at the gate.
“You're not getting in.” I heard a rather pissed off voice call from the other side.
“You forget you place, pony.” A scratchy ( yet sexy) voice came after, a little hiss at the end.
“My ‘place’ is to keep you from getting in, without the proper payment of course.” Greed dripped off the first voice like fucking honey. I poked my head around the corner to see something I saw in a book once, a half woman, half snake lady who was towering over a armored guard pony with a bored look.
“I smell a fight brewing.” I giggled excitedly. The snake woman hissed and lowered herself further until her ‘upper lady parts’ were now resting on the snout of the pony, he being completely unfazed. “DDDAAAAAAYYYYYYYUUUUMMMM!” I may have said that too loud for they both looked at me, one with rage and the other slight annoyance.
“Hey! How did you get into the city!?” The guard pony raged and began to stomp towards me.
“I flew in from up north, and boy my arms are tired!” Budum-chi. He momentarily replaced his rage filled face with a confused one. “You can never beat the classics.” I told the pony with wisdom in my voice.
“....Anyway.” The pony coughed and put back on his rap- I mean rage face. “You're going to have to come with me.” I shook my head. “But you have to!”
“I don’t care.” I chuckled. He must be a new guard or something cause he was starting to think about HOW to get me to prison.
“Umm....Will you come if I make sure you get good food?” I thought for a moment, maybe I could fuck with him a bit more.
“Go on.” I said, my fake curiosity giving him false hope.
“And,um.....You can get the Naga!” He then pointed with his hoof at the snake lady sitting in confusion.
“I was planning on that in the first place.”I chuckled darkly. She gave me a look mixed with anger and interest. “What else you got?”
“Umm...How about my helmet? It’s made of gold and might be very expensive.” Bingo.
“Alright, shake on it!” I extended my hand with the offensive rings on it. He placed his hoof in my hand with a victorious smile, but it faded when he saw my dark grin. “fulgur.” I whispered and the green ring glowed, sending a very high and very dangerous volt of electricity through my skeletal hand and into the pony. His mane stood up and tail shot out in surprise and because of the electricity. This is very gruesome, but his eye melted out of his head and his hooves curled up like a dead spider. He fell to the ground, twitching from time to time. “Well, that felt REALLY good, I haven’t killed anything in like, 20 minutes or something!” I sighed happily.
“A very amusssing display, but how will you get rid of the body?” I looked at the snake women, a Naga the pony called her, with a smile.
“Why, with fire of course!” I looked down at the twitching body and pointed a finger at it. “Ignis.” I whispered again and a fire shot from my finger and onto the pony. Being magic and all the fire burned the body away fairly fast and with minimum burning flesh smell! “There, problem solved!” I patted my hands together. “And with little casualties cause, surprisingly, there was only one guard here.”
“Well there wasss.” The Naga spoke again. “But he went to get a few more guardsss to help ‘remove’ me.”
“Who would treat a lady like that?” I sighed and did a bow. “Jon the reaper, at your service.”
“If you are at my service, I demand you buy me a drink.” I think we’re hitting on each other, or she just likes being. I looked up at her to see her giving me a seductive look.
“Why of course, m’lady. Shall we proceed to the largest bar we can find and purchase drinks until we do not know how to pronounce our own names?” I smiled at her.
“Why yesss, my ‘knight in dark armor’, and my name is Rikka.” She finally told me her name, I think it was a trust thing but eh, anyway, we began to make our way through the city, avoiding guards like pros and sometimes tripping them with Rikka’s tail. A woman after my own heart I tell you what. After a few moments we were, I don’t know how, surrounded by guards.
“Well, fuck.” I mumbled and looked all around us. Most of the guards had dented helmets, must be the ones we tripped. “Hello gentlemen! How may we assssist you?” I made the s longer and gave an adorable look to Rikka, she just rolled her eyes.
“You two ARE coming with us,we’re putting YOU to death for killing out recruit before we were finished with him!”......Whoa. Anyway I just chuckled darkly and stopped Rikka from turning them inside out.
“Now now, do you know who I am?” They just glared at me. “Then take a look at this!” I pulled my wanted poster out of my robe and showed it to them. “Now tell me, what is my highest kill count and for what?” I didn’t think I could see a white pony’s face go pale, you learn something everyday! “Now, what is different about now? What will keep me from sending your guts to your families in a present, express delivery?” They began to back off.
“W-w-we’re terribly sorry for the misunderstanding sir! We’ll leave you now!” I stopped one as they all began to scatter.
“Where is the best bar in the town? The lady wants a drink.” I looked at Rikka, then back to the pony. “Unless you feel like feeding her?”
“N-NO!” He yelped. “The Hall! You want the Hall! Please don’t kill me! I have a wife and three kids!” Overused excuse, but I’ll let it slide. I pushed him away and waved goodbye as he ran like hell.
“Nice fella, I need to track him down later.” I chuckled darkly and turned back to Rikka. “After you my dear.” I bowed.
“What a gentleman.” She kinda purred and slithered past me in the direction we though was ‘The Hall’. After a few minutes and asking for directions (I swear it wasn't me.) we found the large building and out front was the biggest fucking dog you would ever see, and he was a doberman.
“I got this.” I cracked my neck and approached the huge dog, who looked down at me like a badass. I took in a deep breath (As if I needed it) and began speaking Pinkie speed. “Hellogoodsirhowareyougrate?Thatsgreatheywhatsthisplaceabar?ThatssocoolcanIgoinwithmyladyfriendok?Sweetthanks!” I quickly motioned for Rikka to enter and I followed behind, leaving the completely fucking confused dog man behind. The place was huge, like really huge, it had multiple floors with less druck creatures the further it went up, I think at least. There were some slightly raging drunk creatures down here, I guess they don’t want to rage too much in case their thrown out. “Alright, lets go a floor up, I don’t want to be around drunks in case a fight breaks out, caused by me.” I chuckled and proceeded to the stairs, Rikka trailing behind me excitedly.
“It has been years since I have had a drink! I can not wait!” She then shot past me really fucking fast, snakes are fast.
“Great, now I have to find her.” I mumbled with a slight smile and kept going up until I was on the second floor. I looked around for Rikka for a full 10 minutes when I found her taking her order.
“Is it possible that I can have all of your alcoholic beverages?” She spoke to the waiter, who was a smaller version of a dragon who was also yellow!
“One of those days...” He muttered. I walked over to the table and took a seat.
“Um...Just get her a large mug of your strongest stuff, refills are on me.” He gave me a look I couldn’t decipher. “And I suppose a small cup of beer for me.” He nodded, wrote something down, and walked away. “I think he was bored, oh well.” Rikka’s tail was swinging around like a happy dog. “Well, you're excited.”
“of coursssse I am you fool! I get to finally calm down with booze!” I chuckled, she really was like a puppy, getting its first piece of bacon.
“I honestly don’t drink, I can’t hold my liquor worth a damn.” She gave me a look of death, I actually shivered.
“You WILL drink with me.” She hissed and reached over the table and lifted me up by the neck.
“OK OK!” I said while shaking my hands. She set me down and I sighed. “You are very persuasive, even without your body.” She blushed and gave me a cute look.
“Why thank you.” She answered and suddenly the dragon kid was back, setting our drinks down on the table.
“Someone bought these for you.” He said simply and walked away, more then likely to get away from Rikka.
“That would be me.” A random pony walked up to us and set down his drink.
“I have enough names to try and remember. Don’t bother.” I said waving my hand at him and began to drink.
---A hour later!---
“Now shut up! That is not true!” I yelled at the pony across from me, I honestly forgot what we were talking about and I have lost all control over what I do, so lets watch shall we?
“Don’t tell me to shut up ya bag of bones! It so is true!” The pony returned, slamming on the table with his hooves and pointing at me. Rikka was sitting there, her head on the table, all passed out and shit.
“Horse shit!” I yelled and grabbed him by the neck. He pushed off me, sending me toppling back into another pony, who apologized quickly. “What you say about my mother?!” I grabbed him and threw him over the side, where he landed on a drunk d-dog, who went into a rage because his drink got spilled.
“WHO THREW THAT!?” He roared looking around.
“I did you absurd ball of fluff!” I yelled down like an idiot.
“GET DOWN ER SO AH CAN URT YA!” He yelled up, I obliged by jumping down and landing my heel in his face.
“Bitch please!” I growled as he fell down, out like a light.
“EY! He was out friend you ugly bugger!” Another dog shot up from his table and shot over to me, where I delivered an uppercut faster than I could blink. He went down like a sack of bricks.
“Didn’t know I was that strong.” I chuckled and was again assaulted by a dog. “FUCK!” I yelled and elbowed him in the forehead, drawing blood. I stood up and yelled. “ANYMORE DRUNK FUCKTARDS WANTING TO GET THE SHIT BEATEN OUT OF HIM!?” Almost everyone there stood up. “......Fuck.”