Twilight Gets Drunk. Or How One Unicorn Managed to Cause Havoc in an Entire Country
By: Dark Side of the Rainboom
Twilight Sparkle was walking through Ponyville. It was a nice, cool, spring evening and there was nary a cloud in sight. When all of a sudden, a deep, rumbling growl came out of nowhere, seemingly shaking the very earth. Everypony ran for cover, some even diving under larger ponies. Somepony in the distance was heard shouting, “The horror! The horror!”. Everypony wondered where it was coming from- except Twilight. She knew what was wrong: she was hungry. “Oh come on! It’s not that bad.” She shouted to everypony nearby. When all of a sudden a heavenly aroma wafted past her. Apples and cinnamon. There was only one place that could come from…
As Twilight walked into Sugarcube Corner, the smell intensified. This was the place, but where was everypony? “Mr. Cake? Mrs. Cake? Pinkie?” she called out. Her hunger was almost unbearable and as she looked around she found it: apple cupcakes. Oh sweet Celestia, they were still warm. Twilight didn’t want to just take them but her stomach told her she needed to. They could just make more, right? Perhaps one wouldn’t hurt…
Sixteen cupcakes later, Twilight was sitting on the floor with an empty cupcake tin next to her, a full stomach, and a guilty conscience. She could pay for them, no problem, she reasoned to herself, there’s no need to get worried. Feeling better, she realized that she’d been there for at least twenty minutes and still no pony was there. Feeling anxious, she went up to Pinkie’s room; maybe Pinkie was taking a nap. Yeah, right. Up she went but when she got there, there was nopony in the room. That was weird, the Cakes weren’t home, and neither was Pinkie. Twilight was walking out the door when her hoof collided with a metal box. “Ouch!” she screamed and she faceplanted into the carpet. When she turned around to look at what she tripped over, she saw that the contents of the box were slightly spilled over. In it were two bottles of a slightly brown-gold hue. In the bottles were liquid of the same color. On one was a note that read:
PP-
Swiped these babies from AJ the other day. Consider this payment for that awesome party the other day. You should’ve seen the look on her face!
-RD
Twilight didn’t know what the note meant but had a feeling that these were the objects in question. She doesn’t remember a party in town, though. When did this happen? She was pretty sure that the initials were of her friends. The question was though, what were these bottles and what was in them? Just then Twilight felt really thirsty. I’m sure Pinkie wouldn’t mind if I had just a sip. So Twilight popped one open and the aroma was very pungent. It smelled like apples but also like… what was it? She didn’t know but just smelling it made her a bit dizzy. Perhaps she shouldn’t drink it. But she was just too curious to leave this conundrum alone. So, cautiously, she took a small sip. It tasted a bit like apple cider but tingled in the back of her mouth and when she swallowed it burned all the way down. But it wasn’t a searing burn- it was more of a warm glow. Twilight had never heard of such a thing before. She had to have more.
Twilight lay on the ground… at least she thought it was the ground. It may have also been the ceiling. Next to her were two empty bottles. No wait, three. No, two. Twilight had no idea what was going on but she knew that the sky was blue. At least she thought so. Maybe she should get up and check. So she flew to the door and opened the window with her eyes. Why was she spinning? No wait, check that, the room was spinning. Yep, the sky was definitely brown, with ponies walking on it upside down. Oh, she was upside down. “I knew that.” Twilight slurred to the hairless monkey thing standing next to her…… WHAT?! She did a double take. “Oh,” she said, “Issh jus a regular monkey. How ya doin’?” The stuffed gorilla on the bed said nothing. Twilight returned to the room and looked at the note:
PPPPPPP-
Sqryw thses btoasls forn JA tya oher ayyyyy……
She stopped listening after that, as her head was starting to hurt. So she returned to the issue at hand. No, wait that isn’t right. It’s not hand, it’s foot. So the issue kicked her hand and she was forced to look at it again. Somehow, some way, she had to get out of this invisible box she was standing in. She didn’t know how to, but then, something amazing happened: she sneezed. “ACHOO!” She was thrust backwards as the box was shattered around her. She looked down and above her head floated the note. –RD…… RD! Dainbow Rash. Hold on… Rashbow Dain. Raindash Bow. Rainbow. Dash. Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash! She’s the one who called Twilight an egghead who didn’t know how to have fun. Well, I’ll show him, and soon all of Twilight Sparkle will know my name is Equestria! The most funnerific pony around! So Twilight left the room out the window and subsequently floated into the sky. Not really, she plummeted two stories into the ground. ”I’m… OAKY!” She cracked her neck and proceeded into the local gag store.
Inside it smelled of cheap rubber and the air was filled with the laughter of sounds. She grabbed everything she could get on her hooves and ran to the counter. “I want to buy thesh. Heressh my moneyyy…”
“Are you okay miss? You seem kind of… off.” The salespony asked.
“I’m fine. Are you okay?” She glared right past him and at the pin the tail on the pony poster. “Becaush you don’t have a tail, and that lookssh likes that hurts.”
“Uh, right. Anyway, that will be a thousand bits.”
“Here’s you go.”
“Uh miss? That’s a bottle cap.”
“Quick! Deploy emergency life raft to distract!”
“Wha..?”
Twilight laughed as she ran out of the store with all her goods. She didn’t realize she left her coinpurse there with eleven hundred bits in it at the counter. Now, back at the library- “Uh, ma’am? What are you doing here?” Now, back at the center of the local stage production of Alotaspam, she planned her course of action. Where to? She had it, where else to make a name for oneself than Trottingham? Or maybe Lambdon? Yes, Lambdon, so named because at one time it was the wool production capital of the world. So she went to Lambdon. After all, now it was the theatre capital of the world. Why isn’t it called ‘Stagedon’?
Now there, in Lambdon Twilight worked to set. She was doing exactly what she knew. She was going to set up the party cannon that she got right next to her extremely flammable fireworks. Her reasoning being so she can keep her eyes on both of them at the same time. She looked at the nearby day thingy: something something 1666 AEF (after Equestria is founded). What could possibly go wrong?
Everything went wrong. Wrong is a weird word. No, Twilight, focus. Oh, look, a flutterby. Shutterfly should see this. Twilight continued in this foggy daze thingy until a mailbox ran into her. See, the cannon didn’t have instructions so Twilight, the genius, just tried firework-jamming it. It worked… no, not really. The cannon asploded with a big boom and hurt Twilight’s ears. BAM! The payload fired directly at the giant fireworks pile. Who’d put that there anyway? The middle of the Olde District of Lambdon was all around them and the buildings there were made out of wood. Lots of wood. Like a WHOLE forest. Anywhosels, the small fire spread and became a big fire. Everypeople started screaming and running in one direction. Twilight didn’t understand: where was the concert at? She liked music and sounds. Especially good ones. So Twilight followed, not seeing the giant fireball of fire and doom consuming the district and moving around in all directions. That darn fire just couldn’t make its mind up about where it wanted to go.
Outside the town now with the rest of the town, they all watched as the town sank into the ground as nothing more but charred, black… stuff. Twilight was sad. Not only did she miss the concert, but she also didn’t realize she was at Burning Mare until it was too late; she had her head away from the lighting, fire, whoosh, burn, thing. Now there was only this unlookly ash.
“Who could possibly do such a thing?!” Cried one pony in grief.
“Who did it?” Cried another.
“This could not have been an accident.”
“Find the perpetrator…” Twilight stopped reading after that and decided that maybe she shouldn’t try being fun here. The ponies were too serious, crying about ‘arson’ this and ‘justice’ that. Twilight was being all woozy though but didn’t want to stop. So she jumped to the next place she should try: Manehattan.
Now in Manehattan with only a few of her things, Spilight Tarckle checked her watch that she drew on in purple marker but couldn’t read it. So she looked at the marker she used and the color said laverndre. Laverndre? Must be fancy speech. Wait a minutes, what year was it? Twilight hadn’t remembered, so she asked a nearby pony. “EXCUSH ME SIR? WHAT YEAR IS IT!” The mare at the other end of the street had a puzzle look, so Twilight stopped looking; she didn’t like puzzles. Twilight looked around and a square but didn’t see anything.
“Uh, miss? Why would you want to know the year?” A confused looking work-docker asked her (Twilight was on a pier, after all how did you expect Manehattan to get to her?).
“Twilight shrugged. Why not? She asked?”
“Uh, miss, are you okay? You just told me you shrugged. Anyway, it’s 1977.” He said slowly backing away.
“Okayyyyyy. Thank you” Twilight stumbled off to the big city.
Meanwhile, in the burned and nasty looking district at Lambdon, the only thing remaining among the ash was a sign that read: 1666 Baker’s Treat Rd.
Suddenly the mare found herself in a part of town that looked like a lot of fun. “Hmm… Power Substashon? That sounds like a funny place, I’ll start here.” Twilight stumbled into the power place and saw a bunch of blue stuff. She thought it was funny looking until she saw a sign that stated: DANGER! ELECTRICITY! CAUTION ADVISED! Electricity, that sly fox. It was hiding in the boxes, but Twilight was able to see through its disguise. That blue stuff was the electric cities that couldn’t hide. “You’re not so big and bad. I could do better than you.” With that, she summoned a small storm cloud and with it, lightning. CCRRAACK! The lightning ripped right through the cloud and hit one of the boxes. Twilight covered her eyes and when she uncovered them, the box wasn’t there anymore. “Aww… I wanted a storm spell, not a teleportation spell.” Twilight arounded and noticed that the entire city had gone dark. Well, if the town wanted to go to sleep Twilight was just going to go somewhere else. As she walked to the station where the trains are, she heard screaming. Oh, they’re playing hide and seek. But they didn’t invite me? How rude. Well then, I’ll just be going. Twilight hopped on the train- “Miss, you need to get off the train, you don’t have any money, and, well, you shouldn’t even be on top of it.” Twilight hopped off the train, almost breaking her ears, and decided to just teleport to her next destination: Ponyville. You see, the big cities just weren’t doing it for her. So she decided to just go home and try it there. She looked in her saddle bags and saw spray cans of red paint. Twilight had an idea.
The sound of spray paint was on the air and in the ground as Twilight had the greatest idea: she was going to literally paint the town red. It was only o’three clock, so she had plenty of time. She’d already gotten the library, Sugarcube Corner, Rarity’s boutique, Sweet Apple Acres, Fluttershy’s cottage, and everything in between. She sprayed the bushes, the benches, the beans, the birds, everything. EVERYTHING was red. Man oh, ponies were going to freak! It was going to be awesome. Just then, Twilight felt strange. It was a feeling that she was familiar with but with things going the way they were, she didn’t think she would feel for a while: she was tired. So she went to bed. But not without first taking a bath and eating a sandwich, complete with sand. With the sandwich in the trash and the shower in the bathroom, Twilight fell asleep…
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!
Twilight arose to the sudden banging of hooves on her door. She groaned loudly; her head was killing her. How did she get this headache? She stumbled downstairs, stopping for some medicine, and answered the door.
“TWILIGHT!” Pinkie Pie barreled into the room followed shortly by Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack, and Fluttershy. “Didja hear?”
“Hear what Pinkie?” Twilight grimaced as she realized her headache was not going to go away soon.
“It’s all over the papers, Twilight. Oh, it’s just dreadful. Lambdon, Manehattan, and Ponyville. Of all the things that could happen, this is the. Worst. Possible. THING!” Rarity exclaimed.
“What happened?” Twilight asked again, impatience growing in her voice.
“Well it’s all o’er Sugarcu- woah,” Applejack interrupted herself as she finally took a good look at Twilight. “Wow, Twi, did you get the number of the coach tha’ hit ya?”
“Har har. Now seriously girls, what happened?”
“A whole lotta bad, that’s what happened. First we hear about a blackout in Manehattan that plunged the entire city into darkness, then we hear about Lambdon burned. To the ground. All of it. You heard right, the entire town was destroyed. Thank Celestia nopony was hurt. Now, well, just look.” Rainbow Dash stopped explaining as everypony stepped out of the way so Twilight could see just what they were referring to outside. The unicorn stepped out into the sunlight and couldn’t believe her eyes. The entire town was red. Pure red. The ponies were their same colors, except for Lyra who had the misfortune to sit on a bench that wasn’t quite dry yet.
“Sweet Celestia and Luna…”
“Yeah, and that’s not the worst part,” Rainbow Dash continued.
“There’s worse news!?” Twilight didn’t know if she could handle it. Her head was hurting, she felt lousy, tired, and now this. What could be worse?
“Yeah. Apparently they don’t know who could’ve done it. It must’ve happened after we all went to bed. Pinkie was throwing a party for her family when they came into town, and the Cakes were with her the entire time, so it couldn't have been her.”
Of course, Twilight remembered wondering where Pinkie was yesterday evening. She must’ve been at the party. Why didn't she remember her family was coming into town. Oh, right, Pinkie mentioned it in between mentioning oatmeal and why platypuses should really be platypi. Come to think of it, that was the last thing that she could remember…
“Yeah, and somehow they got into Sugarcube Corner and ate my super-duper special apple cider cupcakes. Then they got into my room and drank my private stash of Applejack’s apple cider.” Pinkie stated.
“Wait, what? Mah hard apple cider? The stuff that’s so strong that one bottle of that stuff needs to be mixed with a barrel of water before being drunk, else the poor pony who drinks it gets so drunk, they’d be lucky to remember their own name? THAT APPLE CIDER?!? YOU STOLE MAH APPLE CIDER?!” Applejack screamed. Pinkie and Rainbow Dash exchanged glances and quickly ran out of the library. Applejack followed quickly after.
“Oh dear. Well, nothing you need to worry about dahling. You should get some sleep though. We won’t bother you. In fact, Fluttershy dear, why don’t I come with you and help you clean up your cottage?”
“Oh, that would be wonderful. Thanks Rarity. Bye Twilight, we’ll see you later.”
Twilight watched them leave then went quickly up to bed. She was very tired and just wanted to close her eyes for another few minutes. As she started to fall asleep, she heard a loud metallic clang. Her eyes were thrust open as she looked around and saw it: a can of red paint.
Uh oh.