//------------------------------// // Chapter 21 // Story: A Camping We Will Go // by Trinary //------------------------------// & & & Big Macintosh was a good, honorable stallion but at the end of the day, he WAS a stallion. That meant he wasn’t completely immune to the fantasies that accompany the male condition, such has having two gorgeous mares competing for his affection, offering to rub his shoulders or his hooves, fetching him apples to eat, and so on. Now that fantasy had become reality, he was posed to live the dream…only it felt like a nightmare. Two of the most stubborn, hard-headed and show-boating ponies in all of Equestria had effectively declared war over him—but it felt more like they declared war ON him. First he found himself being roused from a pleasant nap with a clumsy, amateurish massage that seemed to ADD tension to his shoulders. There was a twinge he was fairly confident he had never had before. When he rolled over and opened his eyes he found himself face to face with Trixie, giving her most friendly and warm smile. To this Big Macintosh gave a start and a reaction that he would later cause him to declare that he most definitely did NOT scream like a little filly. At all. That noise everypony heard was clearly some unfamiliar species of bird. Clearly. After his rather rude awakening and the near-dislocation of his shoulder, Big Macintosh stumbled out of his tent to find Rainbow Dash preparing, in her words: “The most fantastically awesome breakfast any pony ever had EVER!” Behind her, the pot suspended over the fire pit burbled and bubbled. This did not bode well. When the eager pegasus fetched her creation and opened the lid, a viscous purple ooze practically burst forward as if attempting to ensnare him like the ancient Clopcraftien horror known as the Smooze. And once again that unfamiliar bird let out a fillyish shriek of terror. That was Big Macintosh’s story and he was sticking to it. Much like Rainbow Dash’s attempt at breakfast stuck to his coat. Then after announcing his intention to wash himself off at the river, he had both mares volunteering to ‘help’ him bathe. As the two started arguing for the privilege, Big Mac saw the opportunity to slip away and by all things apple, he TOOK it and ran! “Finally,” He thought to himself with relief. “Peace and quiet.” He waded into the river up to his neck and let himself get good and soaked. The river was chilly, but not terribly so. The thought crossed his mind that he would do well to toss Rainbow Dash and Trixie in…after he had left, that is. “Hi Mr. Macintosh!” Big Mac looked to the shore. Pipsqueak and Snails were standing on the bank. “Morning.” The big stallion nodded from his place in the river. “What’s doing boys?” Pip and Snails looked at one another. “Um, we wanted to ask you something.” Pip said. Snails nodded slowly, blinking. “Why are girls so weird?” Big Macintosh suppressed a chuckle. “Ya’ll have to be a touch more specific.” “Well, Dinky’s been really fun and cool and stuff…” Pipsqueak mumbled, his cheeks heating. “She’s like—the bestest friend ever! But she said something about being ‘more than friends’ and I don’t know what she’s talking about…and Trixie and Rainbow Dash want to be your friends and they’re being really weird.” Big Mac did chuckle at that. “They are being a mite weird, can’t say otherwise.” He paddled around a bit. “Mares…hmm. Well, ah suppose that Dinky means by being ‘more than friends’ is that she wants to be your special somepony. It’s like being a best friend, but you only have one.” “Why one?” Pip asked innocently. “If having a special somepony’s like having a best friend, wouldn’t it be good to have a lot of them?” A sudden image of Pipsqueak leading an army of love-smitten fillies on Canterlot and dethroning Celestia appeared in Big Macintosh’s mind. He saw Pip sitting in Celestia’s oversized throne and letting out an evil, but still adorable, laugh of triumph as fillies from near and far fawned over him. Macintosh shook his head, shuddering in terror. Snails twisted his lanky neck around, staring at nothing as he spoke up. “Girls are hard to understand.” He said finally. “First they like things…and then they don’t like things, but sometimes they do like things they say they don’t…I’m confused.” Macintosh stood still, his hooves anchored to the riverbed. “S’alright. Maybe y’all should talk to your dads when we get back?” He said, hoping they would leave it there. Pip and Snails shook their heads. “Father likes to keep a stiff upper lip too. And then he tries to get mom to tell me.” Pipsqueak said. Snails shuffled his hooves. “Dad wouldn't say. Just say wait til they tell you in class. Like always.” The two colts looked up and Mac almost fell over from the combined power of their pouting, doe eyes. He groaned and gave up. “Alright, alright…being more than friends means having a special somepony…they’re still your friends but you show them, err, more affection and attention than you would any other pony. You treat them special like…make them feel special, give them gifts, make them happy when they’re sad, spend time with them…” He trailed off. “Y’get what I mean?” Pip and Snails looked at each other. “I—think so.” Pipsqueak said slowly. “You mean Dinky likes me…like how Rainbow Dash likes you?” “Eeyup.” The tiny colt swayed slightly, plunking his little spotted rump down on the ground. “Woah.” “You okay?” Snails blinked owlishly at him. “Y-yeah.” Pipsqueak swallowed. “D-dinky and me…I…ooooh.” He blinked. “I need to make her a muffin!” Big Macintosh chuckled. “Easy there pardner; no need t’rush into things. ‘sides, Rainbow Dash is cooking.” Every male shuddered in unison. Snails blinked owlishly. “Big Mac? I have a question too!” “What is it?” “If Jimmy cracks corn and nopony cares, why does he keep doing it?” Macintosh blinked once. “…Ya got any other questions?” Snails thought about it for a moment, then his face lit up. “Oh yeah! How do you know when a filly likes you?” “It…changes from pony to pony.” Big Macintosh dunked his head under the water briefly. “Some fillies will act shy and bashful around you…others’ll tease and make fun and some’ll do both.” He shrugged. “Oh.” Snails thought about it. “Mares are weird, aren’t they?” “EEYUP!” Macintosh nodded emphatically. “I HEARD THAT!” Big Mac and the colts looked up to see Rainbow Dash, her hooves crossed, hovering above them. “You’re in for it now!” She tucked her wings in and dove down. Big Macintosh let out a strangled yelp as he was dive bombed and tackled beneath the water. The two surfaced a few seconds later. The big stallion was rearing up on his hindlegs and flailing as Rainbow Dash locked her legs around his neck, biting and nipping at his ear. “Call me weird huh? I’ll show you weird!” She mumbled around his neck. Big Mac trotted back and forth, trying to buck her off him while standing neck deep in water. Predictably, he didn’t have much luck. “Give it up you lunkhead!” “Run for it boys!” Macintosh yelled over her, laughing. “Get out while you still can!” “Grrrrr…” Rainbow said around a mouthful of Macintosh’s neck. Pipsqueak and Snails looked at each other and gulped. Was this what was going to happen to them? The two backed away from the battle in the river only to stop short when they bumped into something. They turned their heads to see that had backed up into Dinky and Silver Spoon .Pip looked at Dinky. “Um, hello!” He said, his face turning red, scuffing his hoof against the ground bashfully. “H-how are you Dinky?” “I’m good!” She chirped, looking over him as Rainbow Dash and Big Macintosh duked it out in the most epic of all splash fights. “Whoa…” “What are they even doing?” Silver Spoon wrinkled her muzzle, making her glasses slide up, as if trying to get a better view. “Ugh, adults these days…now what are you doing?” She added when she noticed Snails bending over and poking his head in the bushes like an ostrich. “Nothing!” The colt was quick to answer, swishing his tail for emphasis. The silver filly blinked then shook her head, her braid swaying to and fro. Dinky meanwhile had noticed Pip’s red face and put a hoof to his forehead. “Are you okay Pip?” The little piebald colt, having figured out just how Dinky felt about him, was completely tongue tied. “Um, well I don’t—um I uh, cooties!” He blurted out. “Cooties?” Dinky wrinkled her nose. “What about them?” “I uh, I need to get my shot!” He explained. “S-so then we can—I mean, you and I can…bye!” He leaped into the underbrush. “Pip, wait!” Dinky called, running after him. Silver Spoon watched them go, looking confused. “Am I the only sane one left?” “Silver Spoon?” Turning around, she saw Snails holding something out to her. It was… “A rock?” The filly was understandably confused. Sure it was a flat rock—more like a slab than anything. “What’s so special about a---aaawwwwhh!” She let out a noise that was half-aww, half-yell, truly a remarkable feat. The stone was covered in snails! It was gross! But that wasn’t all. The snails had left behind their slime trail (Silver Spoon’s legs quivered at the grossness of it all) spelling out her name with their ooze. It was the most disgustingly touch—or was that touchingly disgusting?—thing she had ever seen. Snails lowered his head, his hooves rubbing against the ground shyly. “Do…do you like it?” He asked hopefully. Fortunately for the still torn Silver Spoon, she was saved from answering by an angry shriek. “Trixie will not stand for this!” The blue unicorn exploded out of the bushes and charged into the river, smoldering with rage as she tackled Rainbow Dash. Snails and Silver Spoon watched as she pulled Rainbow off of Big Macintosh and the two started wrestling in the shallows. “So it’s very nice Snails!” Silver Spoon said loudly, trying to talk over the chaos before them. The colt grinned widely. “Really?” “Yup!” The silver filly giggled gently. She leaned over to give him a grateful nuzzle until she was interrupted by a peal of scratchy laughter. Fuming at yet ANOTHER interruption, she turned to see what it was. Trixie had grabbed one of Dash’s back legs and was tickling her hoof as the pegasus roared with laughter and pounded on the ground with her forelegs. “Surrender to the Great and Powerful Trixie!” The showmare declared as she held Rainbow immobile with her magic. “PFF-HAAAHEEEHA-NEVAH!!!” Rainbow Dash howled as she squirmed and struggled beneath her. Big Macintosh just sat in the middle of the river and watched the two mares wrestled and squirm and…he shivered. He was suddenly grateful that the river was cold. “Silver Spoon? Snails?” His usually deep voice cracked suddenly. “W-why don’t you two running along back t’camp?” He bit his lip. “Uh, okay.” Snails blinked. The two young ponies withdrew. Their way back to camp was silent but for the screaming laughter of Rainbow Dash. He looked to Silver Spoon worriedly. “Are you gonna turn crazy too?” She snorted. “If I do…it’ll be because you drive me to it.” Then her face softened into a smile as she gently rested her head against his neck. “C’mere.” The two ponies walked like that the rest of the way back. & & &