//------------------------------// // The Ugly Duckling // Story: Ice Cube Tells Stories to the Ponyville School-Children // by Inspectah Dash //------------------------------// Cheerilee stopped her lesson when she heard a hard knocking on the door. The children all perked up in anticipation. They would be getting a new reader for story time, and they were told it was someone special. Every step their teacher took towards the door added onto the smiles of the excited fillies and colts. When her hoof made contact with the doorknob, the class was in a near frenzy of giant smiles. When she turned the doorknob, the class' excitement ranged from immeasurable to multi-orgasmic. The door slowly opened and some of the kids looked to be on the verge of exploding. When the door was fully opened, the room was completely silent. Through the door stepped in... the local mail-pony. "Awww. Come On!" A nearly unanimous outburst erupted from the children upon seeing that their "special" reader was actually just the mail-pony. "Hrmph. Nopony ever appreciates the mail-pony." Moaned the disgruntled stallion. "I'm truly sorry about that." Cheerilee apologized. "Yeah, I get it all the time. You have some mail." "Oh thank you. And again, sorry for your greeting. You see, they're supposed to have a new reader come in today, but he hasn't arrived yet. They must have gotten their hopes a little too high." "New reader? Oh yeah, I almost forgot. This fella got lost and asked for directions to the school, so I let him follow me. Is this your new reader?" The mail-pony stepped aside and in walked the baddest motherfucker in Ponyville. He was almost twice as tall as Cheerilee and was surprisingly not burning a fat blunt between his lips. "Oh, Ice Cube, it's good to see you. And not a minute too soon." "Yeah, no problem. These the kids?" Ice Cube asked, looking at all the mixed reactions of the students. "Yes they are. They were a little more excited earlier." Most of them seemed confused, chattering amongst themselves; unsure of who their new reader was. "Who's that?" One foal asked. "I dunno." said another. "Maybe he comes in peace." "Cheerilee said he was special. Maybe he's retarded." "What? No, I think you're the one who's retarded." "Well, you were adopted." "Well, your Mom is a prosti..." "ICE CUBE! WOOO!" yelled a colt in the back of the room, making the whole room go silent. The rest of the class turned to look at him. He shrunk back into his chair, face bright red. "Yes. Children, meet your new reader; Ice Cube. He came straight here from... um. I'm sorry, where are you from, again?" Cheerilee asked the confused rapper. "South Central L.A." "Right. He came all the way here from South Central L.A. He's going to be reading some stories from Earth." "Oooooh." The class said unanimously in wonderment. "It's great to hear that enthusiasm. Would you like to start now, Ice Cube. Or do you want to answer some questions." Cheerilee asked, seeing many hooves in the class raised. "Uh, yeah. I guess I can answer a few questions." Ice Cube replied, rubbing the back of his head with a hand. "Okay then, let's start with... Scootaloo." "Is Ice Cube your real name?" Scoots asked. Reasonable question. Ice Cube thought. "Naw. It's O'Shea." "O'Shea. That's a nice name." Cheerilee lied. "Okay... Diamond Tiara." "O'Shea is a stupid name." "One: that isn't even a question. Two: your name is Diamond Tiara. Are you really in a position to call my name stupid?" Ice Cube asked angrily. "Yes." she replied. "Diamond Tiara! That is quite enough. Mr. Ice Cube was nice enough to come read a story to us. You will treat him with respect." Diamond Tiara crossed her forelegs and rolled her eyes. Ice Cube spoke up. "Thanks. I lost my temper a bit also. I'm sorry." he said. The hell I am. Diamond Bitch needs to be taken down a peg. "Okay, next question. How about Sweetie Belle." Cheerilee pointed her hoof to a unicorn in the front row. "Are you a singer?" "Kinda. I'm a rapper." "I've heard of those. What do you rap about?" asked the curious filly. The answer formed in Ice Cube's head. The ghetto. Friends getting shot. Racist bigots. Having good days. Good days being ruined by police officers. Shooting police officers. Stabbing police officers. Beating police officers. Choking police officers. Drowning police officers. Breaking the necks of police officers. Burning police officers. "You know... stuff." "Ooooh, stuff." Snails added. "Um, yeah. Any other questions?" Cheerilee asked. Apple Bloom raised a hoof. "Yes, Apple Bloom." "What story are ya' readin' to us?" Ice Cube thought over the question, unsure of what story to read. Just then, he realized he forgot the childrens books on Earth. Dammit. I gotta think of something. "Um, how about The Ugly Duckling?" Ice Cube suggested. "Oh, is it about Scootaloo the blank flank?" Silver Spoon asked, giving Scootaloo an evil grin. "A blank what?" asked a confused Ice Cube. "Hey! Don't make fun of Scootaloo. She's not a duck. She's a chicken." Sweetie Belle retorted in half-defense of Scootaloo. "Yeah, I'm not a... wait. Heeeyy!" "Girls!" yelled Cheerilee. "Mr. Ice Cube is going to read us a story, and we're all going to cooperate." "Yes, Miss Cheerilee." The three arguing ponies mumbled. "Good. Ice Cube, would you like to start?" "Yeah, sure." Ice Cube said, knowing full well he didn't remember half of the Ugly Duckling. This is gonna be interesting. "Okay. The Ugly Duckling." Once upon a time, there was this mother duck who lived on a farm. I think her name was Lafonda. Well Lafonda layed some eggs and sat on them for a while. After a couple of months, six of the duckling eggs hatched. Lafonda was glad to see that they were all fine. All except one egg, which hadn't hatched yet. Lafonda didn't remember laying seven eggs, and this egg was gray and bigger than the rest of the eggs. Before she could do anything about it, the gray egg hatched. Out of the egg came the ugliest duck you've ever seen! I mean, damn. This thing was just... damn! If you were delivering this motherfuckin' duck baby, all you'd have said was "Damn!" Lafonda realized that it's fur was gray and he was larger than the other ducklings. "Damn. That's one ugly duckling." she said. "My husband is gonna kill me." Well, her husband didn't kill her. But he did slap her silly and run off to hook up with this one hoochie he met in Vegas. Days, months, and years passed by and the ugly duckling wasn't getting any prettier. Even worse, nobody would talk or play with him. And his duck brothers would tease him and call him names like "faggot", "doo-doo head", and "Ugly McDickface". Despite the cruel names from everyone else, his Mom still comforted him. Lafonda would say at night, "Poor little fagg... er, duckling. Why are you so different from the others?" The ugly duckling felt cold and alone. "Awww." many foals said, in sympathy of the duckling. Ice Cube ignored this and continued. One day, the ugly duckling said "Fuck it", and ran away from the farm. His travels took him to a pond, where he saw some birds. He started asking them where he could find other ducks that looked like him. The only thing the birds said was "Daaamn". Did the ugly duckling give up, though? Hell no. He went further from the farm until he found a bog... or was it an orchard? He went to one of those places where they make wine. "You mean a vineyard." Cheerilee interrupted. "You're a vineyard." Ice Cube replied to a confused Cheerilee. "As I was saying..." He found some geese in the wine-making place and asked them if there were more of his kind around. They didn't say "Damn", but they did warn him about hunters in the area. "Watch out kid. There's some men with guns around here. An ugly duck like you? They'll cap your ass on sight." the first goose said. "They'll eat you with ketchup." said a second. "They'll hang you by your own spinal cord, chop you up, and feed you to your family." said a third. With that, the ugly duckling ran away from the wine place, screaming. "Damn yo, that was just messed up." the first said to the third. The ugly duckling didn't stop running until he found an old woman's house in the forest. Thinking he was a runaway goose, she took him, and put him in one of those little house things that hens stay in to lay eggs. One of the hens told him he would be eaten if he didn't lay eggs. He tried to lay eggs, but not having ovaries put a damper on his plans. He was convinced he was going to die soon, and he reminisced to the simple days where he only had to worry about his brothers calling him "Queero the ugly dickling". A few nights after going to the old lady's house, she accidently left the door to the hen-house open. He took the opportunity and ran as far as possible. He kept running and running until he found a large, thick bed of reeds and climbed in. "If nobody wants me, I'll hide here forever." the duckling said. There was no shortage of food in the reed patch, and the duckling was beginning to feel a little happier. He saw some swans flying above and wished he could be like them. He wished, if just for a day, that he could glide seamlessly over the horizon, that he would be accepted and loved, and would grace the world with his humbling beauty. Just then, all the swans simultaneously dropped deuces and rained on the duckling in what he described as literally "the great shit-storm of our time". Months passed in the reeds and fall turned to winter. He had to find some food in the snow, but collapsed from the cold. A man found him lying in the snow and took him home for his family to take care of. The family fed, warmed, and loved the goose for a few of the happiest months in his life. The only thing that could make the duckling any happier is if he had a big bag of hash. But he grew too big for the family to take care of, and the man decided to set the duckling free in the pond. The duckling looked at his reflection, and could barely recognize himself. "Daaamn." he said to himself. His feathers were white, instead of gray, and he wasn't a fraction as ugly as before. On realizing he was never a duck at all, he looked up and saw the swans flying in the air. He spread his wings and took off to meet his bretheren. "Eyo, homes." he called out. "Yo, where ya been?" one of them called out. "It's a long story. Yo, can we fly over a farm real quick? I've got some business to take care of." A few hours later, he and the swans passed over the farm that was his birthplace. One of the ducks noticed him and called out. "Hey, is that... faggot?" one of his duck brothers asked. "Yeah, it is. Hey everyone, it's Captain Shitstain. He's back." called another. His duck brothers all gathered around to see him fly with his new crew. Lafonda was proudest of him, always knowing the ugly son of a gun would go far in life. "Wow, look at his feathers." said one duck brother. "Looking good, ass-munch." yelled another. "Damn, how did he get so damn sexy?" The swan formerly-known-as ugly duckling nodded and motioned for his brothers to suck his balls. "Deez nuts, brothers! Deez nuts." And they all lived happily ever after. The end. The class was silent as Ice Cube finished the story. He smiled at Cheerilee and asked if she liked it. "Did I like it? DID I LIKE IT!?" Cheerilee yelled. She was clearly angry at Ice Cube for obvious reasons. Cheerilee began converging on Ice Cube, who nervously stepped back. "So I guess that's a no?" "AAAAAGH!" she yelled, chasing Ice Cube out of the building until he was out of sight. Ice Cube checked to make sure Cheerilee didn't follow him before entering his motel room. "Damn it. Next time, I gotta remember to bring the books with me." he said before letting himself fall on the bed. He sat around for a few hours doing very little before he heard a knock at the door. He answered it to find a disgruntled Cheerilee standing at the door. "Do you want to read more stories to them?" she asked. Ice Cube looked at her confusedly. "Uh, didn't you chase me out of the school just a little while ago?" "The kids enjoyed it and are protesting outside the school because I wouldn't let you read anymore." "They liked it?" ice Cube asked, a look of surprise on his face. "Yes. Yes they did." "And they're protesting on my behalf?" "Yes. Yes they are." Ice Cube thought about this for a moment. Often, parents wouldn't even want their kids even knowing who Ice Cube was, and especially wouldn't let them listen to his work. But having kids enjoy it, and protest for it; it was... endearing. "Okay, I'll do it." Cheerilee sighed. "Alright. Thursday, 12 o'clock. And please try to make it more kid-friendly." "I'm not sure if I can, but I'll try." he said, closing the door. Ice Cube went to his bed and sat down. Little kids protesting. For my stories. Ice Cube thought, letting a smile work across his face. He began trying to remember other children stories he heard on Earth. Little Red Riding Ho? Hmm, maybe. Author's Note Click here for the actual story of The Ugly Duckling.