A Busman's Holiday

by Parchment_Scroll

Seriouser and Seriouser

While I'm no stranger to waking up in a different bed on any given day than the day before, there's something unnerving about waking up in a hospital bed with no clue how you got there in the first place. The last thing I remembered was kicking a tree. There was no way that could have landed me in the hospital, could it?

It turns out that it could, and, in fact, did.

It was midafternoon when I came to, alone, in what was clearly a hospital bed. I looked around for any signs of a guard being put on me, more out of force of habit than any actual concern, and quickly came to the conclusion that I was completely unattended.

My first reflex was to make a break for it.

I stopped myself, thinking about how the Apples would react to their guest not only being hospitalized, but vanishing from his bed before they knew he'd recovered. This, of course, made me want to make a break for it again.

No, I told myself. Playing pranks on your host is a poor way to repay hospitality. Still, there was that voice in the back of my head, unaccustomed to being ignored, that reminded me just how funny it would be.

As this little argument went on, I also began to wonder just how much my treatment would cost. I'd never had to pay a medical bill before, so I had no clue. Naturally, my first reflex when confronted with the possibility of paying for treatment was to make a break for it.

Let's face it: Making a break for it is pretty much my go-to solution for anything that can't be resolved by a little petty larceny. It's good to keep ponies on their hooves, I reasoned.

With that in mind, I eased myself out of bed, only to find that all four legs had gone numb.

The thud I made hitting the floor was all it took to alert the nurse on duty that her charge had regained consciousness. She came trotting in to investigate the sound, and the exasperated look she gave me upon finding me, on the floor, tangled up in my bedsheets, said it all.

"Good morning, Mr. Pie," she said amiably. "Or, should I say, good afternoon. I see you're feeling energetic."

I grinned up at her. "Ever and always," I said. "I expect I've had plenty of bed rest and am about due for some exercise, hey?"

"We'll be the judges of that," she said, her alabaster horn glowing with a soft pink aura as she telekinetically hoisted me back into bed. "You've had a severe electrical shock, so it's quite possible you'll have to remain bed ridden for another day or two while your nervous system recovers."

"What exactly happened?"

She grinned. "Well, this is all speculation, but Miss Applejack says you were found in the Zap Apple orchard in Sweet Apple Acres, so the most likely explanation is that you hit one of their Zap Apple trees hard enough for it to, well, hit back." She shrugged. "It wouldn't be the first time, though I do have to wonder why you would even try bucking Zap Apples when they aren't even on the trees."

I frowned. "Wait, are you saying that a tree knocked me out?"

"Oh, yes," she said. "Pretty much every pony in Ponyville knows that Zap Apple trees build up a strong electromagical charge, which they release in self-defense on impact. It keeps animals like beavers at bay."

"I," I said, "will never live this down if they hear about it back home."

"Well," said the nurse, "they won't hear it from me. However, Miss Applejack, and all her friends and family members, have been in to visit you since you were admitted last night, so it's quite probable that word has gotten out. Those Cutie Mark Crusader friends of Apple Bloom's can be quite the chatterboxes." She pulled out a stethoscope, placed it against my ribs, and instructed me to breathe.

"Great," I muttered under my breath.

"Excellent."

"Not really," I said. "The P... My friends are fairly expert in the use of barbed words and backhoofed compliments."

"Oh, not that," she explained. "Your heartbeat and respiration. No arrhythmia or other major issues. In fact, if you'll give me a moment to consult with your physician, we may be able to lift that numbing spell and see you on your way!"

"Yes, please," I said, the embarrassment of having been unable to manage the simple task of getting out of bed rising to the fore again.

Short Shanks frowns. There had been something, he thinks. Something important. Something to do with the Lost Foals. He knows he shouldn't worry about them. Bright Eyes told him as much just last night. But still, it's in his nature to worry. Especially since taking the oath the other night.

They've left him alone in Lost Town, in the manager's office. He tries to shake off the stupor that's making it so hard to think, but it clings to his mind like spiderweb, or a cocoon...

A cocoon!

Suddenly, the fog lifts, burned away by terror. The Lost Foals have been abducted, he realizes. Every last one of them has been taken away from Lost Town, and in their place, those... those things.

Even Bright Eyes.

Especially Bright Eyes.

How could he have forgotten? Did he never suspect at all? Some Eye of the Moon he was turning out to be, not to notice a major threat to the Kingdom when it was forming literally under his nose.

Frantic, he tries the door. While the lock is on the inside, the door itself won't open. Likely, he concludes, it has something wedged under the handle outside. The windows are out, too, he thinks. We've gone and broken up the ledge outside to keep intruders out. Blast it all, anyway.

Frantic, he casts about, looking for something, anything he can use to escape. The window over the door is open, he realizes. The real Lost Foals wouldn't have missed something like that. But trust an enemy with both wings and magic to underestimate the abilities and resourcefulness of an Earth Pony.

Once his mind is made up on a course of action, it takes little time at all for him to clamber up to the window, squeeze through, and make his escape. He has to warn the Princesses, as quickly as possible. This is what the Eyes of the Moon are for.

As he runs, he starts planning how best to get to the Princesses quickly, and without either causing a general panic at the thought of another invasion of Canterlot or blowing his cover.

But then, that's what contacts are for, he realizes. And wasn't he given specific instructions for dealing with just such a situation before Deft Hoof left?

It took very little time, but quite a bit of embarrassment, to progress from speaking to the nurse, to speaking to the doctor, to getting the numbing spell lifted, all the way to checking myself out of Ponyville General.

Speaking of which, did you know that a standard practice when applying a full-body numbing spell is to also apply a catheter? Neither did I. That's where the embarrassment came in, full force. Nurse Tenderhoof -- I felt like a mule for not asking her name, by the bye -- and Doctor Helping Hoof were strictly professional, but the sensation of having a catheter removed is one to be avoided at all costs, if you can manage it.

With that out of the way, I set off into Ponyville, in order to reassure my hosts that their guest was recovered and had even learned a valuable lesson into the mix. My first stop, I decided, would be the town's market square. At least one member of the family was bound to be there, peddling the Apple family's cash crop. (No points for guessing what product that is.)

It turns out that the pony minding the store was none other than my foalhood hero, Big Macintosh. Unsurprisingly, a small group of mares was clustered around the area near his stall, out of the way of business, but definitely in his line of sight. I waved at him and trotted up.

"Ah see y'all recovered just fine," the large red stallion said with a grin. "Ah told Apple Bloom not ta worry none."

I grinned back. "She was worried about me?" I said. "That's awful sweet."

"Eeyup," he drawled. "Seems last Zap Apple season, she an' her little filly friends got it in their heads ta try an' buck themselves some Zap Apples afore they were ripe, an' she's awful tore up about not warnin' y'all about the way them trees buck back."

I laughed. "Well, it's not her fault," I argued. "It's not like there were any apples on the trees for me to buck, so how could she know I was going to go and kick the fool thing to begin with?"

"Ah done tole her th' exact same thing. Applejack too, Ah reckon." His grin widened. "Shoot, Ah figger everypony from her friends on up ta Granny Smith herself tole her. Ah reckon Winona'd have put her two bits in, if'n she could talk."

I laughed again. "Well, I figured on going around and letting everypony know I'm out and doing fine," I explained. "I don't suppose you know where they all are?"

"Granny Smith'd be at home," he said. "She don't come inta town much, on account o' her bad hip an' all. Apple Bloom'll be over at Sugar Cube Corner with her Cutie Mark Crusader friends. And ole Applejack's visitin' with Twilight Sparkle at the library right about now." This last was accompanied by a nod towards a large tree just a block down the road from the market. A second look revealed that the tree had windows, a door, and a sign in the shape of an open book out front. Trust Twilight Sparkle to live in a magic tree, I thought.

I tipped an imaginary hat at him. "Much obliged," I drawled. "Ah reckon Ah'll see y'all back at the farm."

He rolled his eyes. "Don't do that," he said. "Y'all sound a plum fool."

I waggled my eyebrows at him. "Mission accomplished," I chirped, and trotted off towards the library, nodding amiably at the two mares standing to the side of the stall, obviously trying to get Big Mac's attention without overtly doing anything.

The pair of them glared at me as though my conversation had ruined their plans to get a date with what had to be the most eligible bachelor in Ponyville. I considered reassuring them that I had no such designs upon the stallion, but decided it was better left alone.

My path of approach to the library turned out to be from the rear of the tree, and so took me past an open window as I made my way around to the front.

I'll be honest. While I did try to avoid eavesdropping when I heard Applejack's voice coming from the window, I didn't try very hard.

"...just don't know, Twi," the farm pony was saying. "When Ah checked him inta Ponyville General, Ah figgered Ah'd bring him somethin' o' his ta help pass th' time with, an' Ah found this in his bags."

I froze, sweat beading on my brow.

"Okay," Twilight Sparkle said. "There's no reason to jump to conclusions, here. These aren't necessarily what they look like, right?"

"Twi," Applejack said patiently. "Y'all're the one who done told me what all they are, an' what they're for. Now why would anypony go around with a set o' lockpicks in their travel bag?"

I had to remind myself that repeatedly bashing my head into the wall would undoubtedly draw their attention. Simply hanging out under the window had drawn angry glares from a pair of...

I frowned. Was that the same two mares I'd seen over by Big Macintosh's stall at market? I contrived to look casual while giving them the once over. Two mares, one an aqua Unicorn with a lighter-colored mane and a picture of a lyre or an old Coltic harp on her flank, the other a pale cream Earth Pony with a purple and pink mane and a cutie mark consisting of three wrapped candies. Yes, it was the same two mares.

Were they following me? I frowned. While I'd been studying them, Applejack and Twilight had continued their conversation.

"Maybe he's the royal locksmith?" Twilight had suggested. I grinned, not only at the thought of the Princesses needing a locksmith, but at the idea of using that as an explanation if I ever got caught.

"Ya think he'd'a mentioned somethin' like that," Applejack said. "But every time the subject of what he does back in Canterlot comes up, he goes an' changes the subject." She sighed. "Ah dunno, Twi. Ah want ta trust him, but Ah really think he ain't a honest pony. T'other day, he spent th' afternoon tellin' me all about how con ponies operate. That ain't somethin' a right Celestia-fearin' honest pony oughtta know nothin' about."

"Well," Twilight said, then stopped. Applejack had her there. Worse yet, she had me. Pegged. Nailed to the wall. Pinched. Caught out by a pony so honest she was renowned for it throughout Equestria.

"Ah mean, he's family," Applejack continued, "but he ain't Apple family. Heck, he's barely related ta me at all. What's ta stop him from takin' advantage o' me an' mine? Ah don't think Ah want him stayin' at Sweet Apple Acres no longer than Ah gotta."

"Well," Twilight said again, more hesitant than before. "I mean, the Princesses sent him down here. Maybe they wanted you to keep an eye on him?"

"Ah figger if'n they want somepony ta keep an eye on that feller, they oughtta put him in jail, 'stead o' stickin' him with honest ponies that actually work fer their bits."

I snorted. So, Applejack didn't want a sneaky pony staying at her farm, did she? Fine by me. I hadn't wanted to come to Ponyville anyway. I wanted to go to Las Pegasus, but nopony had even bothered to ask me. Whose vacation was this anyway?

And so on.

I was so upset as I stormed my way back towards Sweet Apple Acres that I almost failed to notice Meanie trying to get my attention from the door of Sugar Cube Corner, the bakery she lived above and apparently worked in.

For those who've never dealt with the Pink Menace that is Pinkamena Diane Pie, let me be clear: It takes a great deal of concentration to not notice her when she's trying to get your attention. I was pretty well focused on my resentment of Applejack's, let's face it, fairly accurate assessment of what kind of pony was staying under her roof. I believe at one point, Meanie resorted to jumping up and down on my head. I'm almost sure of it.

"Hey, Merry, you're not looking too merry tonight," she said when she finally had my attention.

I snorted. "I'm not feeling too merry," I said.

"Well, that's not like you!"

I rounded on her. "Oh, really? And how would you know what I'm like? We spent, what, all of one day together? Years ago when we were both foals, no less! So, please, I'm dying to know how it is you think you know so much about me!"

To Meanie's credit (and my detriment), she didn't flinch in the slightest at this completely undeserved tirade. She simply waited it out, then grinned. "Oh, boy!" she caroled. "I was hoping I'd get to show you this!"

"Show me... what?" Let me be frank: I don't like being caught flat-hooved. It's not something most ponies can do, considering I'm usually the one catching others off their guard. Meanie, however, had me completely outclassed in the out-of-nowhere surprise department, as she'd proven with her masterfully planned surprise party the other day.

With that question, I found myself whisked away through the bakery, into the kitchen, and down the stairs into the larder. The bakery itself had gone by in a blur -- a blur in which I was sure I noticed an eerily familiar pair of ponies. "I," Meanie said with a flourish, "kept a scrapbook!"

With that, she deposited a pink book in front of me. In crayon across the top of the book, I saw the word "Merry" in a playful balloon-shaped script. Hesitantly, I nosed it open.

It was all there. My entire career as Eye of the Moon, from the moment Deft Hoof started to become a name in the Canterlot underground. "Mysterious Disappearance of Rare Gryphon Artifacts from Canterlot Museum", the headline of one newspaper clipping read. I remembered the heist. The Gryphon ambassador had been threatening an embargo, claiming the artifacts had been imported illegally. The curator of the museum, feeling threatened, had refused to back down on his claim that the artifacts' provenance had all been checked thoroughly. In the end, the insurance company, owned (through a number of dummy corporations) by the Crowns, had paid the museum's claim, and everypony was, if not happy, at least not about to start a war over silly pride.

"Burglary at Darling Darning Textiles Uncovers Smuggling Ring", the next headline read. While the museum heist had been primarily my own mentor's job, this follow-up to that one had been all me. The company had managed to stay afloat despite absolutely abysmal sales of their clothing lines, and independent investigations between myself and the then-Lieutenant Shining Armor had led to enough evidence to suspect the company of being involved in the false provenance behind the Gryphon artifacts, but not enough to merit a warrant. I'd happily gone in to get the evidence needed, with the thought that I could find the evidence, raise a ruckus, and "narrowly escape arrest" just as the arresting officers found the papers in question.

It hadn't occurred to me at the time that a company that dealt in that sort of shady business would have means other than the Guard to deal with security concerns. Oh, well, live and learn. Which, I mused, I very nearly hadn't on that occasion.

But it was all there, down to a seemingly unrelated article about the moon rising a half hour behind schedule one night last month -- a result of my "abducting" Princess Luna (with her consent and cooperation, of course) in order to prove to a certain featherheaded pegasus guard that he wasn't as good as my Best Rival Forever Shining Armor, while the latter was away on his honeymooon.

"What..." I said after a moment. "How...?"

"Well, duh!" Meanie said, giving me a light rap on the noggin. "I knew all the way back then that only the super-sneakiest of sneaky ponies could have pulled off that museum heist, and I saw that the and I remembered the way you'd gotten that pie out of the kitchen back on the old rock farm, and all of these clippings had to do with bad ponies getting caught because of a super-sneaky pony, and I put two and two and two together, and it all added up to Merry!"

I blinked. For a moment, I was certain I had seen... no. Not possible. "Um. What."

"So I figured you were a super secret special secret super agent for the Princess, and that made me so super happy because I didn't want to say anything but after the family reunion where you got your cutie mark I was super worried because I thought your special talent would get you in trouble and the only other option was for you not to use your special talent and that would make me super sad and--"

After six attempts to stop the runaway freight-train that is Meanie on a roll, I resorted to shoving a hoof in her mouth to shut her up. Yes, it's rude, but she just took it in stride. "Meanie," I said. "Are you saying you figured all of this out from newspaper clippings?!"

She grinned and nodded. "And I'm just so happy I could explode because my bestest favoritest fifth cousin is a super special famous pony who gets to help other ponies and be a super sneaky spy and a super sneaky cat burglar all at the same--" She stopped. "Oooh, scrunchy nose!" She looked around suspiciously.

"What--"

"Shhh!" She eased over to the bottom of the stairs with an easy silent grace that even I was jealous of.

"What's going on?" I whispered in a low hiss.

"A scrunchy nose means some sneaky pony is eavesdropping," she said.

"Oh!" I grinned. "So that's how you knew I was listening in on your meeting the other night!"

"Yupper-duppers!" She grinned back at me. "I knew you wouldn't be able to help yourself if you saw ponies sneaking around Sweet Apple Acres in the middle of the night, and I figured that was way better than a written invitation anyway!" She peered back up the stairs. "Huh," she said. "I could have sworn I saw Lyra and Bon Bon up there."

I frowned. Those names conjured up the image in my mind of the pair of ponies that had been following me around all evening. I whispered as much to Meanie.

"No," she said adamantly. "Lyra and Bon Bon have been hanging out here at Sugar Cube Corner like all day!"

I frowned. "Well," I said, "let's go upstairs and take a look."

At the top of the stairs, I indicated the couple in question, who were sipping from a root beer float with two straws in it. The scene would have been endearing, except for the lack of enjoyment, or indeed any expression, on their faces. As it was, it was bordering on creepy. I shivered.

"That's Lyra and Bon Bon all right," Meanie said. "They've been getting refills on that float all afternoon! They better be careful, or they're gonna get a tummyache." She frowned. "Actually, maybe that's why their faces are all--" and she imitated the flat glare I'd gotten from the couple on multiple occasions that evening.

"That can't be," I said. "Earlier tonight, I saw them outside Twilight Sparkle's library, and before that, they were in the crowd of mares hanging around Big Macintosh right over--" I trailed off and stared out the window where I was pointing. Sure enough, there was Big Macintosh, starting to pack up his apple cart. And right there where I had first noticed them were Lyra and Bon Bon.

I looked over at the couple, still seated and sipping their ice cream float. Lyra and Bon Bon. I knew, without even bothering to head outside, that if I looked over by the treehouse library, I would see the same couple.

"Oooh," said Meany. "Pinchy knee." She looked over at me. "Merry, whatever you're about to say, please don't say it. I don't want anything scary to happen."