Leather-Winged Oddity

by Deyeaz

XIX - A Unique Union With Unicorns (OR Runnin' From Tha Popos)

Well... that was fun.

I feel like that collision reawakened that bruise Notus made.

I get up and dust myself off for the second time. When I look up to see who I had just rammed into, I give a gasp at who I recognize.

One of the ponies is an alabaster unicorn, with an impeccable azure mustache and hair, a gold-rimmed monocle on his right eye, and the top half of a black tuxedo, with a silver pocket watch chain dangling a bit. His Cutie Mark is a trio of gold crowns; the other pony is also a unicorn whose ivory fur coat shines in the remaining light of the setting sun. She adjusts her pink mane with a delicate hoof before reaching down to help Kaileena up off the floor; she had run into me and took a spill onto the cobblestone. Her Cutie mark is a trio of fleur de lis’s, the middle being a sunflower yellow being flanked by two purple ones.

“Good heavens!” Fancypants exclaimed before scratching the back of his head nervously. “I’m terribly sorry for that!”

“Don’t worry ‘bout it,” I say. “So, how are ya?”

“I’m doing quite well, good sir,” Fancypants answers. “As is Fleur De Lis, no?”

The mare in question nods. “My, quite a peculiar accent this creature has, dear,” Fleur De Lis murmurs before giggling. “Don’t you agree?”

Ohhhh, makin’ fun o’ mah accent, are we? I see how it is.

“Indeed so, milady,” Fancypants chuckles. “Sounds so very foreign.” The fancy altruist blinks a bit and chuckles. “So sorry, I’m afraid that I never introduced myself.” He holds out his hoof to me and I give it a shake. “I am known as Fancypants. This is my companion, Fleur De Lis.’

“A pleasure to meet you two,” Fleur says.

Fancypants then looks at my scythe and smiles a bit. “I say, what material is this weapon crafted out of? The luster and sharpness are incredible!”

“Mithril,” Kaileena answers.

“Mithril?” Fleur De Lis tilts her head in confusion.

“Correct: mithril is a metal found inside a meteor. It’s light as air, and as durable and sharp as dragon scales.”

Mithril is also an indigo metal from Runescape... heheheh....

Brain, silence. I’m trying to talk.

Awwww! You’re no fun!

And you’re annoying as shit. Are we done here?

“Intriguing!” Fancypants declares. “Where did you get such a rare metal such as this?’

“Indeed,” Fleur concurs. “I wish to know as well.”

Dang, five minutes in and already I’m popular amongst the ponies of Canterlot. Nothing could go wrong right now at the very moment, right?

“Well," I begin, "I got it from-”

“STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!”

...Permission to rage?

Permission granted, Brain.

FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

I turn around, and with a quick spasm of concentration, banish Ellipsis. I gulp at what beholds my eyes.

Guards.

Guards everywhere.

Flanking us on both sides, the Royal Guard of Canterlot glare at us menacingly, mainly at me and Kaileena. They’re the uniform white pegasus and charcoal-colored unicorn stallions in gold armor and gold helms, the pegasi having electric blue plumes, and the unicorns having snow white plumes. In each of their hooves is a spear with a golden spearhead. While not advisable at all to have gold armor and weaponry, since gold is a relatively soft metal and is used mainly for jewelry and accessories, the overall effect is rather intimidating.

“Oh, what in th’ holy hell’s it now?” I grumble audibly. As a matter of fact, nevermind, I know what it’s all about.

One of the guards steps forward and clears his throat. “Damien O’Connor, you and your cat accomplice Kaileena are under arrest for escaping Stalliongrad’s Stone Tower-”

“Don’t care.”

“Not being a pony while in possession of a weapon-”

“Bullshit rule, still don’t care.”

“And assault and battery upon several of the Royal Guards.”

“Hey, they had it comin’ ta them.”

“And may I ask how not being a pony while in possession of a weapon is a “bullshit” rule?” One of the unicorn guards asked.

“Because it’s viewed as racism. If Equestria really was the land of peace and harmony, then that rule wouldn’t be enforced. Moreover, ya should’a asked me if I needed me weapon, which I did, mainly because I’m traveling around this damn place an’ always run inta annoyin’ obstacles like you racist twats.” That comment infuriates a few of them, due to the fact that they’re trumped at their own game of making me look like the bad guy.

“Now, need I say more?” I suggest; “Or will you ridiculous-looking bastards get outta our way an’ leave us be?”

“You fool!” The pegasus guard hollers.

Really? I just made you look like an ass and all you can call me is fool? Good heavens, these equines are bad at insulting others.

Note to self: teach ponies to swear.

No, Brain. What the hell is wrong with you.

"Sirs, I apologize, but I believe you've made a bit of an error,” Fancypants explains as his magic horn glows an azure hue. A large bag of Bits comes out of his coat pocket. “Would it be possible to forgive and forget all of this?”

“Are you trying to bribe us, Mr. Fancypants?” The unicorn guard asks again.

“Why, indeed I am,” the altruist unicorn remarks, a smirk on his face.

It’s official; Fancypants is second-best pony.

Agreed, Brain. Agreed.

(Epic chase song)

“Guards! Get those four!”

On second thought, scratch that; Fancypants just got demoted to thirty-fourth best pony.

“Oh shit!” Kaileena exclaims. Clearly, she’s taken after me a bit. “RUN!”

“Don’t need ta tell me twice, love!” I wail, launching my clawed feet down an alleyway as Kaileena, Fleur De Lis, and Fancypants follow me, the Royal Guards right on our tails as we swerve down the alleys and streets, avoiding any and all civilians.

“Don’t let them get away!” The Pegasus guard roars angrily.

“KEEP RUNNIN’!” I scream as I dive over a fruit stand, clearing the obstacle in one roll and continue running. “DAMMIT, FANCYPANTS, WHY DID YA TRY TA GIVE ‘IM MONEY?!”

“I thought it would help!” He retorts defensively as we then cross a ten-yard long bridge placed above a wide river.

“WELL, CLEARLY, IT DIDN'T!”

I grab Ellipsis from out of the Abyss and raise my left wooden hand. My brain pounding to come up with a spell that’ll help us lose the guards. “Terraemotus!” The gem’s light on my scythe dies down significantly, but there’s still some juice in it for a few more spells. I plow my prosthetic into the center of the bridge once the three get across. The spell, plus my strike to the bridge, caused it and everything in a twenty yard radius to quake and rumble like a tremor had swept the land.

With a huge pump from my wings, I jump about ten feet high and glide away from the now-decimated bridge, the rubble falling into the river below it that leads to a giant waterfall, probably the same one that’s portrayed in the television show.

“GET BACK HERE!” The pegasus guard bellows in rage, while many of his stallions lay on the floor, their legs numb from wobbling like violently-disturbed Jell-O, their brains aching from being shaken around so much.

“NO! FUCK YOU! DON’T TELL ME WHAT TA DO!” I yell at them while flipping them the bird from the other side of the river before we start running away again.

The pounding of hooves on cobblestone and feathery wings beating through the air dies out. I sigh a breath of relief at the fact that we lost them, but I still don’t give up running yet.

“FIND THEEEEM!”

Correction: we almost lost them.

Before we know it, me, Kaileena, and the two other unicorns hit a dead end on the street, with houses and shop windows flanking our left and right.

“Quick! Split up!” I holler as soon as I hear the sounds of the guards getting closer. Kaileena and I jump behind a pile of cardboard boxes in another alleyway, and Fleur and Fancypants duck behind a fruit stand. I fold my wings up and curl up in a fetal position to make myself appear smaller behind our cardboard hiding spot.

“Find them!” The unicorn guard orders again as the Royal Guard start stampeding down the streets for us. “Search everywhere!”

My heart was practically pounding in my ribcage, threatening to crack them. I look around for another spot to hide before the Royal Guard come back and find us.

“There!” Kaileena whispers. I look at where she points, and I see a manhole... or ponyhole. Whatever. It’s about three feet in diameter, perfect for us to fit through. She peeks over the boxes, then quickly ducks her head again, shaking it; clearly, the guards are still there. “Quick, make a distraction!”

I nod and grip Ellipsis tighter, my brain working overtime to come up with the next Latin spell.

“Excecandum lux!” I rise and point Ellipsis at the remaining guards, and with more light drained from the gem, a blinding flash of light rings out through the area, serving as a flashbang, but without the noise. Because I had looked away, I don’t have to worry about the pain of blinding light in my eyes.

But for those poor guards?

“GAAAAAAH! IT BURNS!”

“SOMEPONY! HELP MEEE!”

“MY RETINAS! MY RETINAAAS!”

Hot damn, I almost felt sorry for them.

“Fancypants! Fleur!” I call while the guards stumble around and bump into objects and one another like drunk idiots. “Come on!” I jam the blade of Ellipsis in between the manhole and the stone and start to wiggle the scythe like a crowbar. In a few seconds, I pry the lid to the sewers open and jump inside, folding my wings in so as to not hit them on the stone as I descend into the sewers.

“Look out below!” Kaileena cries, landing next to me on the stone walkway I have just landed on.

“We have to go down there?!” Fleur De Lis whines in despair. “But it’s so... dirty! And I’ve just been groomed and had my mane perfectly coiffed!”

“Woman, we ain’t got time! Move it or lose it!” I roar in frustration. Really!? You’re worried more about your looks than spending time in jail!?

“Oh, fine!” Fleur De Lis the Prissy Broad pouts and jumps down the hole. I try to catch her and set her down on the walkway, but... well...

*WHAM!*

“Ow! *Gerroff me!” I wheeze in anguish as Fleur lands on top of me, pinning my face to the ground with her... well, with her plot.

Bow-chicka-wow--

Brain, I swear to every single deity in existence that if you complete that sentence...!

Alright, alright!

“Goodness! Please forgive me!” Fleur apologises as she gets up off me. Fancypants clambers down the ladder and closes the lid of the sewers, making sure the guards can’t find us.

(Stop the song)

Unfortunately...

“Aw crap! I can’t see a thing!”

We’re plunged into darkness.

“Urgh... lux ” I murmur. The last of the gem's light becomes brighter, but not out of magic, the brightness illuminating the walls of the sewers.

The adrenaline from the chase wears off, and my lightheadedness from my spell-casting kicks in. That, plus the marvelously putrid stench of the sewers, causes me to... well...

You know what happens.

“Dude, gross!” Kaileena complains as I keel over and vomit into the river of disgusting green soup. I heave so hard and painfully that I’m starting to wonder if the human body could turn itself inside-out by doing what I’m doing.

“I say!” Fancypants declares.

“How vulgar!” Fleur adds.

“Shaddap!” I heave, getting back on my claws and shaking my head. I rip off my loincloth and tie it around my face, shrouding my nostrils from the stench. Kaileena takes the shawl around her neck and does likewise. Fancypants gives Fleur a handkerchief to tie around her muzzle. “Were you th’ ones castin’ those spells?” A second of hesitation. “No! Were you spendin’ yer energy an’ concentration on ensurin’ our safety? No! Now, shut yer damn gobs an’ let’s find a way outta here without gettin’ spotted by the guards!”

“Well, well, well!” says a slightly deranged voice down the walkway of the sewers. I look up in surprise, my heart pounding in my chest again. “Whadda we have here, eh?”