“So let me get this straight, you caught a bomb?” Twilight’s eyes were wide with disbelief.
“Something like that. I used the energy of the explosion to get me back to Equestria.” Celestia looked away, remembering. From the expression on her face, Twilight thought that there might be more to the story.
Her young student frowned in thought. “That would require quite a lot of energy. Just what are the characteristics of a ‘nuclear’ weapon?”
“I think that’s a topic for another time,” said the Princess. There was a knock at the door. “Enter,” called Celestia. The door opened and Rarity stepped in
“Good afternoon, Princess. I have a gift for you.” Rarity's eyes were wide in anticipation. The white unicorn gave Celestia a box. She removed the cover, finding a silk gown the color of clouds. Elegant gold embroidery decorated the neck, sleeves, and hem.
At Celestia's broad smile, Rarity blushed. “I just couldn’t stand to see you with only one set of clothing. I’m very sorry that I wasn’t able to fashion any footwear to go along with it. I’ve never made anything designed to fit toes.”
“This is lovely, Rarity. Thank you.”
“There’s something else,” said the dressmaker. “On my way back from my shop, I met somepony who wishes to speak with you. Her name is Alice.”
“Where is she now?” Celestia looked intently at Rarity, her tone abruptly serious.
“Princess Luna insisted on taking care of her,” the unicorn answered. “Fluttershy and Colgate, the Ponyville dentist, are with them.”
Celestia thought for a moment. She had no idea what Alice might have been through since arriving in Equestria. “Rarity, how did you find her mood?”
“She seemed rather on edge,” replied the unicorn. “I wouldn’t say desperate, exactly, but I’m glad somepony is keeping an eye on her.”
That was to be expected. Celestia figured that Alice would have a rougher time of adjusting to a new world than she did. Experience counted for a lot, and the Princess had thousands of years of it.
“I will go meet with her,” said Celestia. Rarity nodded and went out the door.
“Won’t she be a little freaked out by seeing herself?” asked Twilight.
“Most likely.” Celestia nodded. “I would like to make things as easy as possible for her. I need some help, Twilight.”
Working carefully with magic, the unicorn managed to remove the dye from Celestia’s hair and return it to the length it had been when she’d arrived on Earth.
She stripped off her outer clothing, feeling a little bit of lingering modesty for doing so in front of her student. Twilight noted Celestia’s undergarments curiously. “Don't you get cold without any fur?”
“I supposed that's why humans wear so much clothing all the time," replied Celestia with a smirk. She put on the gown. Rarity had done the measurements perfectly, and the silk reached exactly to the floor. It seemed strange to wear combat boots underneath, but there were no other shoes available.
Celestia glanced at the mirror, feeling a little more like her old self. She turned to the door. “Come along, Twilight.”
A trip through the royal kitchens revealed impressive variety, quantity, and quality, but Alice was beginning to suspect that Princess Luna was stalling for time. There were only so many treats a pony could eat, and Colgate was giving her dirty looks because of the sugar intake.
“My sister returned unexpectedly,” Luna was saying. “We are all glad she is home.”
“Has she told you what happened yet?” Alice decided to see what Luna knew.
“She was…changed.” Luna’s tone indicated unease with discussing the topic.
“How exactly?”
“She spent almost two weeks there—”
Alice broke in. “I’ve been in Equestria longer than that.”
Luna shrugged. “Perhaps time runs differently here. Celestia said that you have no control over your sun and moon, so who’s to say how long a week in one world lasts in the other?”
Steps approached, one set of hooves and one pair of rubber soles. A purple unicorn and a woman in a white gown stepped into the kitchen. The various ponies working in the kitchen gave a quick bow.
Alice stared in shock. Coming through the door was her own face and body, but the way Celestia carried herself was completely different. This was... a princess! She wasn’t sure which would be more disturbing, seeing her old body changed as Celestia was, or if the Princess had been an exact duplicate of her normal self.
There was several seconds of silence as everypony in the room watched the two of them stare at each other. Celestia appraised the equine form she’d formerly inhabited, wondering how Alice had adapted to a new setting. The Princess spoke first. “I’m glad to finally meet you.”
“Likewise.” Alice nodded, her irritation and maybe a bit of jealousy melting away. She believed that she was finally meeting someone who could help her, and it was imperative to be on her best behavior.
“I have some bad news,” said Celestia.
Alice’s stomach dropped. “What is it?”
“The media wants a press conference, and I am not equipped to appear before them. I hope you could do me the favor of taking my place.”
“Why can’t we just change back and you can do it?” asked Alice. Celestia’s features briefly showed a trace of worry. With her instinctive awareness to human faces, Alice was the only one who caught it.
“It will take time,” said Celestia. Twilight glanced at her. The Princess had told her student that she had no idea how to get Alice home. She did not want to lie to Alice, but she also had no idea how she might react to the whole truth.
Alice sighed. “Tell me how to pretend to be you.”
In Celestia’s bedroom, Twilight and Luna fabricated a series of spells to lengthen and tint Alice’s mane, recolor her eyes, and add a false cutie mark of the sun. They brought out Celestia’s golden crown, necklace, and hoof guards for her to wear. The finished result was a perfect disguise.
Alice stared at the alien in the mirror. The few visual reminders of who she once was had all been erased Her mane and tail had been enchanted to have a slight wave as if a mild breeze blew across them. Despite the disguise, she had to admit that her overall appearance was beautiful and very regal indeed.
Celestia stood at the other end of the room with her arms crossed, watching Luna give Alice lessons on graceful walking. Twilight slid close to Celestia. “Princess, I’m a little worried about Alice.”
“What do you mean, Twilight?”
“Well, having her do this press conference buys us some time, but what happens when she finds out that we don’t know how to change your bodies back or get her home?” The unicorn swallowed nervously. “I trust your judgment, Princess, but this seems a little questionable.”
Celestia sighed. “I know. I’ve been trying to think of another way. Unfortunately, telling her the painful truth now probably won’t end well, and we need to keep her calm so she can do what we ask. I will talk to her about it."
Alice made another circuit of the room, stepping carefully as Luna instructed. She was beginning to pick up the princess walk, and was beginning to relax a little. If Celestia’s own sister said she looked right, then she should be able to fool a bunch of reporters.
Alice glanced at a small table where a pile of familiar blue fabric lay. She figured that it must be the uniform and personal effects Celestia had been wearing when she returned. Had the Princess actually attempted to impersonate a member of the US Navy? Surely some pony couldn’t pull that off.
Alice’s eyes began to slide away from the items when one thing in particular made her stop dead. She stared at it, ignoring Luna’s attempts to get her moving again. “Is that a gun?”
“I was issued it,” said Celestia. Her face looked like she was bracing for an outburst.
“Why in the world would they do that?” demanded Alice.
“We went to war.”
Alice’s eyes bulged in rage. “You did what?!”
Celestia held up her hands, attempting to defuse the situation. “North Korea attacked its neighbor to the south, which as you know is the ally of the United States. The Ronald Reagan was dispatched to assist. My only choices were to either do Alice Scrivello’s duty, or get arrested for being AWOL.”
Alice thought for a moment. A little more calmly, she asked, “Where was the fighting?”
“It started with a few land battles and progressed to the oceans. There were some naval engagements,” Celestia told her, remembering the news she’d been able to hear.
“And the Reagan?”
Celestia paused. “We were attacked.”
Alice’s eyes hardened. “What happened?”
The Princess looked away, trying to decide how to answer. Alice took a few steps closer. “Tell me what happened.”
Luna and Twilight looked up in alarm, but Celestia gestured for them to remain calm. To Alice, she said, “There was a nuclear weapon. I did my best to contain it and use the energy to return to Equestria.”
Alice’s jaw had been clenched tightly. She slowly asked, “Did you meet Lieutenant Joshua Tanner?”
The Princess nodded, a terrible feeling building up inside her.
“Is he alright?”
Celestia winced. “I don’t know.”
Their eyes met. The Princess could nearly feel the force of Alice’s glare as if it were a physical thing. There was hurt as well as fear in her eyes, as the displaced human held Celestia’s gaze for several seconds and then turned away. “I’ll do your press conference, but after that we’re going to have a talk. You’re going to tell me everything you know.”
“You shouldn’t talk to the Princess that way!” said Twilight in disbelief
Alice nodded. “I realize I’m threatening a head of state, but you all have a lot more to lose than I do. I’ll cooperate, but only as long as you stop treating me like a... foal, or like I can't be trusted.”
Oppressive silence reigned for a moment before Princess Luna curtly broke in. “Of course, Alice. Perhaps we should go practice the speech.”
Alice gave Celestia one last look and allowed Luna to guide her out of the room. In the stillness that followed, Twilight asked, “What do we do now, Princess?”
Celestia closed her eyes for a moment. “I need to apologize to her.”
It was impossible to know how long Alice might be living in Equestria, so it was only fair to her, and in everypony’s best interest to be friendly. On top of that, it was not in Celestia’s nature to use ponies unwittingly. Alice had good reason to be angry, and the Princess was sorry for underestimating her. She should have known better, having met so many of Alice's friends and associates and seeing the respect she had earned from them. Not to mention the obvious depth of Josh's love for the human woman.
Twilight tagged along with Celestia as the Princess went downstairs again. The two of them found Luna and Alice in an antechamber of the press room. The younger Princess had magicked up a script and was coaching Alice on delivery.
The false Celestia flicked her eyes to the real one as she came in, but went back to ignoring her, practicing the speech. “I must apologize for leaving on short notice. I was temporarily waylaid in an alternate universe. I have returned, however, and Equestria can now go back to business as usual.
Alice went through a few more lines. She seemed to be doing well, and her mimic of Celestia’s voice was improving. The press secretary stuck his head in. “The media ponies are finding their seats right now. I’d say you have five minutes before they start getting restless.”
“I think I can remember this,” said Alice, nodding to the script.
“Wait a moment,” said Celestia. She stepped forward to face Alice. “I don’t want you to go out there angry. I want you to know how sorry I am for what you’ve gone through. I wish I could tell you with certainty that everything on Earth is all right. I myself want to know how Josh is. He was a good friend, and you’re very fortunate to have the love of one such as he.”
Alice’s face softened somewhat, her ears taking on a less aggressive posture. Celestia went on. “Commander Peterson, Lieutenant Resen, and everyone else I worked with are good people. Josh, however, was willing to risk everything to get me aboard and help me pretend to be you. In return, I promised him that I would do whatever I could to return you home. I want to keep that promise, Alice, and I want to be your friend.”
Alice sighed. “Okay, I wish I’d done things differently, too. Let’s work together.” She began removing the royal jewelry. The crown was the only thing that came close to fitting Celestia’s human body, and the Princess put it on.
Surprised, Luna asked, “Are you going out there?”
“This is not the time to be concealing things. We need to recognize the problem in order to get started on a solution.” Celestia opened the door and gestured forward. “After you, Alice.”
The tall white mare stepped into the press room as elegantly as she could manage. If Celestia was planning to tell the reporters the truth it might have been better to go out wearing her natural blonde, but perhaps it was best to make a good first impression and not shock them too much.
The press area was about the size of a small ballroom, with a few windows on one wall open to catch a pleasant breeze. The assembled crowd erupted in applause at the sight of Alice, although as the real Celestia came in, the thumping hooves began to taper off, punctuated by a few gasps of surprise. By the time the Princess reached Alice’s side near the podium, the only sound was her clunking steps.
Celestia smiled bravely. Here we go. “My little ponies, I have returned!”
There was more applause, interrupted by a reporter at the front calling, “Princess, where did you learn ventriloquism?”
The crowd laughed for a moment before Alice spoke. “Princess Celestia, may I?” Celestia nodded, and Alice continued. “I’m afraid that while Princess Celestia is back, there have been some complications. My name is Alice. I was brought here from another world against my will by Discord. As part of his plan, he also changed us so that our appearances were swapped.”
Celestia couldn’t imagine a piece of news that would have shocked the reporters more. Building off what Alice had said, she added, “We’re working to reverse this situation and safely see Alice back to her home.”
Gesturing to her current body, the Princess said, “Alice and her kind are a species called humans. A press release with further details will be distributed, so I trust that nopony will bother her for more information while we work to return everything to normal.”
The crowd seemed to agree with that. Despite her abnormal form, Celestia’s word still carried its usual weight. The gathered members of the media began to pack their things to depart.
Suddenly, a not-quite sinister laugh rang out. “Hah! I can see the headlines now: Princess Primate lends a hand, while Alice Alicorn is left to wonder.”
A creature of amalgamated parts stuck his head in through the open window. “Hidy-ho there, everypony! Did you miss me?”
“Oh my Celestia, it’s Discord!” shouted one of the reporters.
“Now, now! It's not nice to swear in her name when she’s standing right there, and on two legs no less!” said Discord. He laughed and raised his mismatched forward appendages. A few small sparks of magic danced across his claws, but caused nothing to happen. He looked down in disbelief. “Did the warrantee on these run out when I wasn't looking?” He concentrated and tried again. This time the sparks were fewer, and turned to butterflies as they fell to the floor. The Draconequus looked unpleasantly surprised.
He ducked away as Luna summoned the Royal Guards. Celestia and Alice ran to the window, watching Discord rapidly departing.
“We need to go after him!” said an anxious Alice. “I thought he was stuck in a statue! How did he escape?”
Celestia turned away from the window, noting, “He was. Thank Harmony, it seems as if he was having some difficulties using his magic to do chaos.”
There was fire in the former human’s eyes. “I just want to make him pay.”
In spite of the situation, Celestia cracked a smile. From what she’d seen of people, they were more than capable of giving Discord a taste of his own chaos.
Rarity came in with the Navy gear. “Princess, I thought perhaps you’d like to change. After all, I don't think you'd want to ruin this lovely dress, and as horrid as the coloring of this uniform is, I’m sure it’s more durable and less restrictive to your movements.”
“That was good thinking,” said Celestia. She quickly pulled off the gown. A media pony who was still in the room snapped a picture. Alice pointed her horn at the camera and it shattered with a burst of magic. The photographer let out a startled yelp and galloped out the door.
Celestia dressed quickly. She put on her belt, threading it into the top strap of the pistol holster. The lower strap fastened securely to her leg. Alice eyed the weapon, but said nothing.
“I have a good idea where Discord is going,” said Celestia. “He has a strange fixation with Ponyville. With the Elements of Harmony here in Canterlot, he probably sees the town as undefended. We need to get there.”
“Is there a train going that way?” asked Alice.
“It’s not fast enough.” Celestia looked pointedly at the mare’s wings. “We can do this together, Alice. Do you trust me?”
Author note: I suck at drawing people. If you like it, though, the full version can be found here. Our good friend Dafaddah helped out with art critque as well as his usual editing duties.