This chapter dedicated to Genevieve Lewis
April 3rd, 1919 -- 10/31/2012
It was like a massage. Every single nerve in Noah's body felt amazing. The vibrations were relaxing all of his muscles.
"And you got one of these everywhere?"
"Yup!" Vinyl Scratch's house had more speakers than Texas has guns.
"How many do you have!?"
"I got 22 tweeters, 44 woofers, and 32 subs."
"How do you POWER all those things?" Noah immediately facepalmed after realizing that they don't have electricity and anticipated her answer.
"Uhhh, magic, dude. Just like everything else." I should have seen that one coming.... Even on the couch he could still feel the immense power of the subwoofer. "Why, how do you guys power speakers where you come from?"
"Electricity." Vinyl sat up, curious.
"Electricity? Like, lightning?"
"Well yeah, but usually in far smaller amounts. Like, the battery in my phone holds an electric charge and powers it." Vinyl was evidently confused, but did not press the issue.
"Huh, you guys are weird." Vinyl said bringing a small chuckle from Noah.
"Yeah, I could say the same thing about you guys. The pegasi controlling the weather, the plants can't grow on their own? It's so odd here."
"Woah, that's not normal where you come from?" she asked.
"No." Noah replied flatly
"Dude, that's freakin' weird. OK, I'm tired, so Imma hit the hay. Got anything you like listening to to fall asleep?" Noah smiled the devious smile he always wore when he was about to impress someone.
"Yeah. Link my phone to all your speakers." Her horn glowed, and the connection was secured. Noah scrolled through his phone, looking for his favorite dubstep song to fall asleep to. He found it, and prepared himself before pushing play and resting his phone on the floor next to his couch.
I'm sleepless, you got me wide awake...
I'm dreamless, my soul is yours to take...
I'm haunted when I look in your eyes...
I want this and I won't be denied...
I'm sleepless
The song dropped. Hard The bass was incredible, the melody slow and beautiful. Noah closed his eyes, and was asleep in less than thirty seconds.
"Rise n shine, sugarcube!" Tyler groggily opened his eyes, recoiling at the bright light of the sun now pouring in through the light of his rooms window.
"Morning, Applejack." He wiped the sleep from his eyes and stretched his limbs gratefully, feeling a little embarrassed that AJ had to wake him and wishing he had set his phones alarm, "So, what're we gonna do first?"
"Well, first we're gonna have some breakfast. No use tryin' ta work when ya haven't eaten. Come with me." Tyler obliged, following his employer into the farmhouse.
Tyler saw that Applebloom was sitting at the table eating what looked like a bowl of cereal with a small saddle bag sitting next to her; he figured she must be getting ready for class.
Seeing Tyler enter the kitchen Applebloom looked up and smiled. "Mornin' Tahler."
"Morning Applebloom," Tyler responded with a smile. He still couldn't get over how freaking cute she was. Cute in a D'AWWWWWWW kind of way, not cute in a "I'd like to see where this goes" kind of way.
"Ah have ta go ta school, but when Ah get back, y'all wanna play with me?"
"Uh, if I get time after working, then sure." Tyler looked over to Applejack expectantly.
"Yeah I reckon y'all will get a bit a tahm ta play after Tahler gets offa work. Now, eat up! Y'all are gonna need it." She pushed a bowl of oatmeal over to Tyler.
Tyler wasn't really an oatmeal kind of guy, but it also had all kinds of fruits in it, mostly apples, as though that was not a given. He took his spoon and lifted a bite near his mouth, and sniffed it. It smelled fantastic, so he ate it enthusiastically. To his delight, it tasted as good as it smelled. But because the bowl was so small, and not to mention that Tyler's a fast eater, he finished the entire bowl in 20 seconds.
"Wow, y'all eat maghty quick!"
"Oh sorry, I just eat quickly out of habit, I'm a big guy and I usually get up at the last minute for work, so I usually eat rather quickly. It's not a big deal, really." He didn't want to imply that he also needed more in order to actually be satisfied. Though contrary to his size, Tyler usually only ate one real meal a day, and usually not a big one. When it came right down to it, Tyler would starve before imposing on these, his idols.
"Oh. Ah hadn't considered that. Do ya need another helpin'? We got a lot of it, so don't feel shy 'bout eatin' whatcha need ta!" Tyler smiled at her offer and thanked her, accepting two more bowls before he had a decent sized meal. When everyone was done eating, Applejack and Applebloom cleaned up the table and kitchen, despite Tyler offering to help. With all that done, they were led out into the chilly, dark morning. Tyler stopped.
"Hey, wait, wasn't it light out before?"
"Yeah, but that was for painting a nice mental picture for the readers." Tyler almost jumped out of his skin. He looked down, and Pinkie Pie's head and neck were protruding from his right pocket, staring right up at him. She pulled the rest of herself out and hopped around merrily.
"What the fu-"
"Don't question it, sugarcube."
"But, how could that happen?"
"Well," Pinkie started, "It's magic, I ain't gotta explain jack!" With that, she hopped away happily.
"Uh, fair enough I guess."
"Anyway, come on over here." Tyler followed her, taking in his surroundings, making sure to note how to get to their destination and how to get back. After a few minutes silently walking, Applejack stopped. Applejack turned to Tyler and pointed to one of the many trees.
"OK, now watch what Ah do." She placed the baskets at even intervals around the tree, about a foot away from the base of the trunk. She turned around, and bucked the tree. All the apples fell out and into the baskets. "See? Jus' do that and y'all will do fahn."
"OK, I'll give it a shot." He picked a rather small looking tree, and walked up to it. He remembered many of the other Human In Equestria fics he would read and how many a time the main character ended up apple bucking on AJs farm and how they would do so, though he seriously doubted the actual ability of an average human to actually succeed in doing so. But he figured he might as well give it a shot He turned so his back was to the tree, lifted his leg in front of him, then swung it back as hard as he could. His leg shot back with incredible force. And it might have worked, if it actually hit the tree. Instead, it propelled him backwards two feet and Tyler ended up with a trunk in his groin. "AAAAAUUUGGH!" Applejack visibly recoiled after watching that, pretty sure she knew what he had just slammed into the tree.
"Oh, you all raght, sugarcube?" He looked at her with a pained expression.
"No." His head fell back down into the dirt. He rolled over, clutching his crotch carefully, trying to prevent any unwanted movement.
"Y'all want me ta get some ice for that?"
"No, it's -AH- fine. I just need a minute." Or ten. After a few moments, Tyler slowly got up, leaning against the tree for support. Applejack approached him, getting real close. She had an odd look on her face, like a mix between happy and tired.
"Ah know what will make ya feel better." She began to massage his groin with her hoof. She stopped suddenly, and put it up his shirt, feeling his stomach. Tyler could not believe his luck that Applejack turned out to be nympho. She began sliding her hoof down his waist, and into his pants until she reached his-
Oh FUCK no! Adam! What the HELL is this?!
Dude, just roll with it, it's not like you're going to get laid anywhere else.
I don't give a fuck! I am NOT having sex with Applejack! God, it's like the start of a bad porno.
Would you rather me make it a bit higher quality?
No, I want you to not make me have sex with Applejack.
Dude, come on! I am TOTALLY being a wingman right now!
NO SEX WITH APPLEJACK, AND THAT. IS. FINAL!
-sigh- Fine. You're no fun, Tyler.
Anyway, back to what ACTUALLY happened. Applejack walked up to him, concerned about his well-being. She looked him in the eyes with a sympathetic smile.
"Look, why don'tcha just recover, and when ya do, come get me an' we'll try again. In the meantahm, Ah'm gonna buck. Y'all just watch me and try to pick up a few things from watchin'. That sound good ta you?" Tyler considered for a moment.
"Yeah, I'm good with that."
"Alraght." And with that, she began bucking trees like there was no tomorrow.
Man, I hope the others are having a better morning than me.
There were stars. Stars EVERYWHERE. Andre got up, shaking his head, like he usually did. This proved to be a BIG mistake. It was as though his headache was a little ball that expanded in response to movement, and now it was occupying the entirety of his now-splitting skull.
He looked around, eyes hurting from the harsh morning light, and realized that he was in the barn. He remembered the events from the day before, though some points were hazy as best. He looked around and realized he was about an inch and a half from the edge of the barn's upper level. Quickly recoiling, much to his heads displeasure, he got onto his feet, and climbed down the ladder to the lower level. He looked around carefully, making sure that he didn't knock anything over in case he stumbled.
"'Bout time you got up." The sudden noise brought shock as well as pain to Andre's head. He turned around and saw Adam, sitting like a pompous king on a thrown of hay he made himself.
"OK, I am never touching alcohol ever again."
"Lightweight. You had less than half of what I drank." Adam deadpanned
Andre was befuddled, "Wait, aren't you feeling, like, hungover?"
"Nah." Adam replied
"What, why? Oh wait it's because of your body size. No, that wouldn't explain why you feel nothing, plus you say you drank more than twice as much as me."
"I have powers here." Adam stated
"Wait, what?"
"Nothing, just go about your day. I shall find my own way. See luckily I know where this story is going and can plan accordingly."
"Oh, I get it. You're still drunk. OK, well, have fun with that." Andre turned and walked out of the barn. His eyes burned when he got outside, his hangover coming back in full force.
He began to walk away from the farm. He knew a basic layout of Sweet Apple Acres from a multitude of reaction pictures he had seen on the Internet. He got an idea of where he was, and wondered what he should do next, since he had literally nothing to do and he had no idea where any of his friends were, except for Adam. He thought about what Fluttershy did for him, and realized that he felt bad about what he did. Being a good little moral person, he decided he'd find Fluttershy and thank her...properly.
Adam, stop. I wanted to help her out with chores and stuff.
What is WRONG with you guys!? What could POSSIBLY be the problem with yellow vagina?
It's not that it's yellow vagina, it's that it's pony vagina. Stop trying to ship us with the ponies. Your beard powers don't compare to my Negro Powers, and I will use them.
Oh? And what powers would that be?
The powers to deliver a swift kick to the nads and get away with it.
You make an interesting argument, Oh Colored One.
Andre made his way to Fluttershy's Cottage. He was there in about half an hour, as he got lost. Twice. He walked up to the cabin door nervously, and knocked on the door three times. He could hear her hoofsteps coming from within, and after a moment she answered the door.
"Oh, Fuckface, how are you?" He decided to ignore his migraine for now and fix the things that needed to be fixed.
"I'm pretty good. I just wanted to came by and thank you for all that you did for me when I was injured and needed a place to stay. I wanted to thank you properly by seeing if there was anything I could help you with. Oh, and also, Fuckface isn't my name. My name is Andre, but Adam just likes messing with people."
"Oh. I'm terribly sorry about not using your real name, Andre. And normally I wouldn't accept an offer like this, but I am exceptionally busy today and an additional hand would be most welcome. Do you like animals?" Aw yeah.
"Yeah, actually I LOVE animals." Fluttershy's eyes lit up.
"Oh wow, that's great! Come in and I'll show you where to start." Andre followed her inside.
Vinyl awakened to her alarm clock, annoyed as usual. Her ears were so accustomed to bass that she had to use a particularly high pitched, droning sound to get up. She walked downstairs, yawning, ready for some breakfast. She walked into the living room, expecting to see Noah fast asleep on the couch. However, she was shocked when she found the place spotless. The blanket was gone, the pillow was, too, and Noah's shirt and - what did he call them, jeans? - were not on either. He was wearing a simple garment, blue, which said "Fruit of the Loom" on it.
I can see where thi-
NO ADAM! You know I don't believe in sex before marriage!
Dude, you're ALREADY IN YOUR BOXERS!
Be that as it may, I have no sexual attraction to Vinyl nor desire for sex, so just drop it.
God, you guys are so uptight.
He was on all fours, kinda, but his body was going up and down repeatedly, and he was counting. But it wasn't normal counting, either.
"One two three TWENTY ONE!" He said one number when he went down and then when he went up, as well, doing two of whatever these things were before moving on to the next of the larger numbers. "One two three TWENTY TWO!" Vinyl just watched him doing what she supposed was an exercise.
She noted his necklace, which was composed of a bunch of metallic beads, with an oval-looking thing, metal as well, with a black outline. The necklace also had a smaller necklace with another one of those oval things on it. As he went down, they struck the wooden floor with a dull, metallic thud. He didn't stop this until he got to thirty, at which point he stopped. He whispered something about recovering, then suddenly stood up. "Army strong!" He huffed for a moment before he noticed Vinyl was standing there.
"Oh, hey. How long have you been standing there?"
"Since twenty."
"Oh. Well, do you know what I was doing?"
"I assume it's exercise?"
"Yeah, they're called push-ups. They're great for discipline and building muscle. Not really much more to it than that. Oh! You want some breakfast?" Vinyl didn't follow. Noah walked into her kitchen, and Vinyl followed, though not mentally. She walked in and gasped. On the table was a nice assortment of cereal, fruit, and waffles.
"Woah. Dude!"
"Yeah, I thought it'd be a nice way of thanking you for your hospitality. Anyway, you got a shower I can use? I'm kind of sweaty and crap."
"Yeah, bro. Down the hall, second door on the right."
"Thanks. Noah left to take his shower, and Vinyl sat down in one of the chairs, ready to dig in. Maybe having this guy around permanently could be a good thing. She took a bite of one of the waffles noting how it was incredibly fluffy, much more so than what she was capable of making. Yeah, I'm definitely gonna have to see how this works out.
Noah grabbed his clothes from the couch and walked over to the shower. He crouched down and entered the bathroom, eventually electing to stay on his knees. He took off his boxers and his dog tags, and got in the cramped shower area. It took him about ten full minutes, but he managed to get every part of himself clean. He got out and grabbed two towels and dried himself, then got in his clothes again. It didn't feel right, but they weren't actually dirty. He managed to keep them relatively clean, and they all passed the sniff test. Still, he couldn't shake the feeling that he was wearing filthy tattered clothes. He mentally shook it off as he replaced his dog tags and placed them under his shirt. He exited the bathroom and made his way back to the kitchen. He looked in and Vinyl was still eating. She saw him come back in and immediately swallowed her bite so she could speak.
"Hey, come on and have a bite!" Noah smiled.
"Thanks, but I already ate." Vinyl was incredulous. She looked at the clock, and it told her that it was 8:33. She looked back at him.
"Woah, what time did you get up?"
"Six." Her jaw dropped. For Vinyl, 8 o'clock was like 5 AM, and only did it when she had stuff to get done. "Yeah, I know. I was really tired from the party, so I decided to give myself an extra hour of rest." Vinyl couldn't believe what she was hearing.
"Dude, why do you get up so early?"
"Well, it's a long story, but the short version is that I have gotten up early my entire life from religious purposes to Army programs back on Earth, so it feels natural. Plus if I start waking up later then I would become undisciplined, which is something I can't afford to become."
"Huh. Well, anyway, thanks for breakfast dude." Noah smiled widely.
"Yeah, no problem. So when you're done come get me and I'll help you clean up."
"Nah that won't be a problem, I got it."
"You sure?"
"Yeah," Vinyl insisted.
"Alright then." Noah got up from the table, and walked back over to the couch, taking a seat. He leaned forward on the tiny couch, placing his elbows on his legs, clasping his hands together in front of his mouth. And he thought. He thought hard.
About her.
Alright, let's try this again. Tyler picked his leg up again, making sure to align himself perfectly. He thrust his leg backward, and connected powerfully with the tree. And nothing fucking happened. He tried again. This time was a little bit different, as slightly more nothing happened. He had been going at it for well over an hour, trying many different strategies, even throwing the entirety of his two hundred pounds of fat, flesh, and muscle at the tree. Which only served to give him a large embarrassing bruise on his chest. Finally, he managed to make a single, solitary apple fall from the tree. A bruised one.
"Ah, DAMMIT!" He threw the apple on the ground in frustration. He was surprised when Applejack's voice came from right behind him.
"Aw, look sugarcube, it don't matter if ya can't buck apples. There's still plenty a work ta be done on tha farm. I tell ya what, go to tha farmhouse and ask Granny Smith if she needs any help. Sound good?"
"Yeah," Tyler grumbled. He set off on his way, feeling crappy and useless. If there was one thing Tyler hated more then being a burden, it was being a useless burden. Probably gonna be like sweeping or some shit like that. God, I bet even Applebloom could buck better than me.
I walked along the road, ready to pounce on anything I could make a sex joke out of. I thought about the myriad jokes I could make about the balloons this one pony was making, but I thought I shouldn't. After all, I was better than needing something so easy. It was obvious by the flicks of her mane that she-
DUDE COME ON! This story is third person omniscient! You can't just go making it first person whenever you so fancy!
Fine, continue with my part of the chapter.
You know what? NO! You don't get to be in this chapter because you're being an ass. Hope you're happy now.
Awwwwww...
A/N
So Tyler, what was so embarrassing about your bruise?
n-n-n-nothing, its just that the tree gave me a pretty big bruise.
Oh, cool. Let us see it!
......no.
OK, then, we'll look at it by force. BEARD POWERS ACTIVATE!
No, NO! STOP! Hnng!
Alright, I'll lift his shirt and- HOLY CRAP!
AHAHAHAHA its like he has a penis tattooed on his chest!
Damnit, why am I always the butt end of jokes around here
Becuase you're the biggest push over