//------------------------------// // The Thrilla in Ponyvilla // Story: The God Squad // by defender2222 //------------------------------// Prince Blueblood's smile was so large that one would have thought that he was a clown character from famous comic book about a bat-themed hero that can't be referenced due to copyright laws (friggin' lawyers). Of course it wasn't that big of a surprise that he was happy; after all, through strength, will and determination (and blind luck) he had become the leader of Equestria. He was Prince Tickletummy Blueblood (Tickletummy of course being an ancient name that dated back 600 years, all the way to Commander Tickletummy, who defeated the great hyrda of Froggy Bottom Bog by kicking it in the testicles), ruler of Equestria. And now he found himself in his Aunt Celestia's bedroom, ready to take his crown and royal gear. Blueblood held his breath as he carefully placed Celestia's tiara upon his head, followed by her necklace/breastplate and her golden shoes. They might have been a touch too big but Blueblood didn't care... they were HIS now (the fact that they were clearly designed for a woman didn’t bother him, which answered so much and yet so little). Using his magic, he turned on a record player, his family's anthem starting up as he trotted over to a mirror, looking himself over. "Ugh, my lips are so chaffed!" Another burst from his horn brought a tube of lip balm over, which he applied to his cracked lips. "There we go!" He grinned at his reflecting, pouting his now moistened lips. "Would you buck me? I'd buck me... I'd buck me hard..." Blueblood moved away from the mirror, swaying to the music. "Prince Blueblood, I brought clean sheets and-HOLY BLACK ON A POPO!" Blueblood let out a girlish scream, covering himself as he stumbled away from the horrified chamber maid. "This is my private time! Private time!" The God Squad Episode 5: The Thrilla in Ponyvilla “Tydal, no offense but I don’t think Luna is allowed to cut off Fakeo’s leg and beat him to death with it.” The capricorn rolled his eyes. “Well Shining, clearly you’ve never been in a debate before!” Shining shook his head in annoyance. “Lord Tydal, please! Luna needs to focus.” The moon goddess took a deep breath. They were back stage in the Ponyville’s townhall, trying to get Luna prepped for the debate. They could hear the crowd waiting for Luna and ‘King’ Fakeo to come out and battle each other in the most boring way possible. The lunar princess rolled her shoulders, working the kinks out. “So… how many lifelines do I get?” “Uh… none,” Shining stated. “I can’t even poll the audience or ask a friend?” Luna’s eyes nearly tripled in size (which was spooky because her eyes were already 40% of her head’s mass). “My whole strategy was based around using lifelines!” “Aunt Luna, it will be ok,” Cadence said. “Just remember to shake hooves with any foals you meet and kiss any businessmen that walk up to you.” “I’m pretty sure you have those two mixed up.” Shining shook his head. “Trust me, she doesn’t.” “You will do fine, little sister,” Celestia stated. “I have faith in you.” “Thank you, Celestia.” “Just remember, the only thing you are risking is your pride and self dignity and we already know you don’t have much of either…” Luna grimaced. “Right. Well… here we go.” “Break his leg!” Tydal called out. “Then shove it up his ass!” “Or you could shove other things up his ass!” Cadence said with a smirk as Luna trotted towards the stage. “Like a carrot or a book or a lamp or a dog bone or-“ ~MC~MC~MC~ “Uh… excuse me… please…” The crowd continued to murmur to themselves. “Please… quiet please…” The dull roar of the gathered ponies just kept echoing through the town hall. “Uh… Rainbow Dash could you…?” “Yeah, I got it. HEY SHUT YOUR CAKE HOLES OR I WILL SHUT THEM FOR YOU!” Silence. “Thank you Rainbow Dash,” the buttercream-colored mare said softly, shuffling the papers in front of her. “Hello, I’m Fluttershy and this is Rainbow Dash; we’re your moderators for this debate.” “Yeah!” Rainbow Dash said, banging her hoof against her chest. “We are going to totally be asking all the tough questions and determine once and for all who is right: the king we’ve never heard of or the mysterious pony we’ve never heard of!” “But they are both very nice, I’m sure, so it would be great if we could say they both won…” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Yeah, sure. Alright, so let’s get started with this thing! First, we have a baker from Sugarcube Corner, representing the Princesses: Nightdancer!” Luna stepped onto the stage, using her magic to adjust her glasses and making sure her nametag was straight. She waved to the crowd, a good number of them clapping and cheering her name (though that might have been in part because Tydal was shooting glares at them and drawing his hoof along his throat while mouthing ‘will kill you’). Fluttershy shifted in her seat, hating the fact that she was in the spotlight. When they had asked her to moderate the debate, she had said yes before finding out what it was (she though debate was a type of knitting). “And, uh, the pony she will be debating is the King of the Night Sky, Fakeo Lulamoon.” Fireworks burst out from the stage and Fakeo emerged from the shower of sparks, flashing a grin and waving to the crowd as he made his way towards his podium. The stallion’s hair was perfectly groomed, filled with so much gel to make it appear like it was flowing from his scalp much like Celestia, Luna, and Tydal’s did. Fluttershy cleared her throat. "The first question is for Nightdancer: Unemployment is at 3.5% and some experts think it could go higher in the next three years. Speaking for the princesses, what have they done to ensure these numbers don't go up?" The pegasus shifted in her seat. "Uh... you don't have to answer if you don't want to but it would be nice if you... did." Luna smiled and leaned in close to her microphone. "I'd like to buy a vowel." The sound of Tydal, Celestia, Cadence and Shining Armor's hooves striking their foreheads echoed through the townhall. "Uh... what I meant to say was that the government has been using money to create or 'buy' vocations to help stem unemployment and offer workers good, steady work." "King Fakeo?" Fakeo beamed. "Thank you Fluttershy. That was an excellent question and I am happy you asked it. You know, it reminds me of a story about a single mother I met on my way here-" Celestia groaned. "I hate it when they do this." "You know, you could just send a solar flare down and kill him," Tydal stated. "No." "Come on... you could make it look like an accident..." "No," Celestia said, turning back to focus on Fakeo's speech. "-so I says to Mabel, I says-" "JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION!" Rainbow Dash roared in frustration. Fakeo coughed, tugging on his collar with a quick burst of magic. "Right... well I think how the princesses have handled unemployment is disgusting!" The crowd murmured in agreement. "They have not worked hard enough to correct course!" The cries of approval grew louder. "I swear that if you make me your king I will raise unemployment!" The crowd burst into applause. Then they comprehended what Fakeo was saying. "Wait, what?" Luna exclaimed. "Don't you mean lower?" "No, I do not! I swear to you, good ponies of Ponyville, we will reach 100% unemployment!" Even the crickets that were in attendance were shocked silent. "You... you want unemployment to be high?" Fluttershy asked. Fakeo nodded his head. "But of course! You see, I am part of the ancient religion order known as the masochists! We believe that life must be about pain and suffering! While the princesses have done well to rule with an iron fist I swear to rule even harder!" "...rebuttal?" Fluttershy said. "I'm good," Luna replied, leaning back with a smug look on her face. Rainbow Dash blinked. "Uh... alright then... the next question is: if you saw a small foal with a piece of candy, would you take it from them and eat it?" "Of course not!" Luna exclaimed. "Is the candy tasty?" Fakeo asked. Rainbow Dash looked at her notes. "Sure, yeah, let's say it is." "Then I would steal it but I would not consume it, that way the child would learn that life is cruel and you cannot find happiness in food." "...the King is right! Candy is bad!" Carrot Top proclaimed. "Death to all candy!" Sparkler screamed. "When I am king all tasty candy will be made illegal!" Fakeo proclaimed. Pinkie Pie promptly fainted. "Celestia... was there an accident a hundred years ago that rendered all your little ponies utter morons?" The solar princess let out a sigh. "No, Tydal." "Are you sure?" "Very sure." Shining looked around as the crowd began to call for a lynching of all wedding cakes. "I don't know, I think Lord Tydal may be on to something..." "Hey, quiet down!" Rainbow Dash called out, trying to regain order. "I said quiet down! Quiet!" Fluttershy trembled. "Uh... please... please quiet down or... um... I'll be forced to skin you all alive and use your flesh as wallpaper." The room went deadly silent. "Where did that come from?!?!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed. "Where did what come from?" Fluttershy said, having already blocked any memory of threatening genocide. "Now then, the next question is: how do you feel about the handling of relations with the griffin empire?" Luna puffed out her chest. "I think the princesses have done a fine job of establishing trade routes and peace accords with-" Fakeo rolled his eyes. "Ha! Leave it to a woman to refuse to fight!" "Whoa!" Luna exclaimed. "What the hay?" "What? I'm not just a masochist but also a chauvinist and a racist and on the weekends I'm a dentist." Fakeo turned away from Luna, giving her a dismissive sniff. "Nightdancer, much like the princesses, is afraid of doing what must be done! When I am king I promise to take all the stallions in this country on a fruitless death march against the griffins that is so bloody they will write songs about it... and the songs will always be sung offkey!" "You think you are the only one that can be cruel and inflict pain? Princess Luna was Nightmare Moon and I bet if she were here she would proclaim that she'd do a death march with not just stallions but mares and foals too!" "I'd have the children lead the attack, and when they fell the stallions and mares would trample their broken bodies!" Luna laughed. "Nightmare Moon would shoot the men and make the women carry the dead bodies on the march!" "Why have a march when we could just shoot them in Equestria!" "Why not just blow up Equestria! I bet Princess Luna could crash the moon into the planet and end us all!" "She doesn't have the guts!" Fakeo shouted. "You wanna bet?" Luna snarled, her horn beginning to glow. "Uh, Princess..." Shining said nervously as he looked out the window and noticed the moon looked A LOT bigger. "You might want to do something about this!" Cadence looked about in fright. "Well, if I'm going out I'm going happy!" The love goddess grabbed Pinkie (who had just begun to woke up) and planted a big fat kiss right on her. "Hey everypony, let's have an orgy before the world ends!" "I brought the booze!" Bon Bon called out as ponies begun to mount each other. Tydal watched all of this and sighed. "Celestia, do you want me to handle this or should you?" "By all means, Tydal, the honor is all yours." The capricorn nodded, clearing his throat. "Nightdancer, if you destroy the world you'll also destroy moon pies!" The lunar princess gasped and within second pushed the moon back into normal orbit. "Works every time," Tydal stated smugly. "Why didn't you try that when she went all Nightmare Moon on you?" Celestia frowned. "Please stop pointing out my plot holes." She pushed her way through the now blushing crowd (save for Cadence, who was still trying to talk Shining into a threeway between her, him and Pinkie Pie) and stepped onto the stage. "Sister, please watch and learn." The solar goddess cleared her throat. "My good ponies, I think we can all agree that Fakeo won the debate." "I did?" Fakeo said. "He did?" Luna echoed. "Indeed. Fakeo is truly the best debater." Celestia walked over and lifted Luna's hoof up. "I give you your debate champion: Fakeo!" The crowd stared at Celestia like she had lost it. "But... but that is Nightdancer! Fakeo is over that!" Patch Work called out. Celestia smirked. "Ah, but that is what the evil Nightdancer would want you to believe! Who would suspect her to look like herself when she could look like her enemy?" "...that... kinda makes sense," Rainbow Dash said. "Of course it makes sense!" Celestia said happily. "Do you honestly think Fakeo would come to a debate looking like Fakeo? He'd come looking like Nightdancer knowing that his opponent would do the same thing!" Fakeo stepped forward, annoyed by all the double talk. "Now see-" Celestia used her magic to clamp his mouth shut. "Quiet, the big kids are talking." She turned to Luna and smiled. "Fakeo brilliantly debated Nightdancer, by which I mean Fakeo as Nightdancer debated Nightdancer as Fakeo. So the winner is clearly the pony here because she is really a he pretending to be a she who is really not a he but a she, you see?" Everypony just stared before shrugging their shoulders and accepting whatever Celestia said as truth. The solar princess leaned towards her sister and whispered, "And that, dear little sister, is why I am the ruler of Equestria." Luna nodded before turning to the Cakes. "Mr. and Mrs. Cake, I have decided to take all of your extra workers but Nightdancer with me. He/she will work to pay off all their debt. Isn't that right?" Luna reached over and forced the muted Fakeo to nod. "Works for us!" Mrs. Cake said. "Tomorrow my Granny Fruit Cake is coming to visit and needs somepony to give her a sponge bath!" Fakeo began to silently cry as the Cakes grabbed him and led him away. "And that, my dear big sister, is why I am like a boss." Tydal, Shining, and a panting Cadence walked up to them. "Very nice, very good, but might I suggest we move hooves before they figure out we pulled a fast one on them." "Agreed," Celestia said, turning tail and rushing out of the town hall, the rest of her family fast on her heels. "Uh... is the debate over?" Fluttershy asked. "I guess so," Rainbow stated. Pinkie walked up to them, hearts in her eyes. "I think I'm in love..."