Friends have benefits

by Killbles


A Massive Fluster Cluck

Friends have benefits
Chapter seven: A Massive Fluster Cluck.
 
 
“What.” Surprise said flatly.
An awkward silence hung over the room as the two pegasi digested the new information.
“You’re right, that’s ridiculous. I can’t like her, that’s just silly.” Soarin said, stamping out the tiny voice of protest in his head like a bug. “I hate her, she hates me. Let’s just leave it at that.”
“I don’t think it’s ridiculous, just a little… strange maybe.”
Soarin scowled at her.
“I wouldn’t say you would hate her. You did try to apologise after all.” Surprise said quickly, patting his hoof gently.
Soarin sighed explosively.
“Yeah and she just shoved it back in my face.”
“She was upset, emotional. I don’t think she was expecting an apology so quickly.” Surprise said, hastily redirecting the conversation to safer ground.
You’re right. It’s just… I kind of feel bad about it. I may have done some things to her that was unwarranted and I probably got what I deserved.  I just have this… urge to make it up to her somehow.” He groaned. “Why do these sorts of things always end up messing with my head?”
“You’re over thinking things. Do you like this damn mare or not? Pretty simple question.” Surprise said.
‘If that’s a simple question the moon is square and made of cheese. It’s also home to a secret base of national socialists.’ Soarin thought.
He lay there for a moment, pulling faces at the ceiling.
“I don’t know.” He finally said.
“Bloody hell you’re useless.”
 


“Remember, you take these pills daily and no long stretches of running, flying, arduous activities…”
Soarin drew a small circle on the ground as the doctor prattled off the long list of things he wasn’t allowed to do.
‘Blah blah blah blah…’ he thought boredly as the doctor droned on. Soarin flexed his wings agitatedly, the past few days had been boring and lonesome as he hadn’t received any other visitors besides Surprise and the small collection of film reels from Doc had been exhausted quickly. Soarin had inconspicuously camped out the front of Rainbow Dash’s room a few times hoping to find out who her mysterious visitor was. Lady luck was elsewhere however and the pony didn’t make another appearance much to Soarin’s disappointment. He had seen the prismatic mare a few times around the hospital but she either ignored him or vanished before he could talk to her. She had checked out two days earlier and he hadn’t seen her since.
He huffed and returned to the present as the extensive list of prohibited activities continued.
“… Espionage…”
‘Well I suppose next week’s plans are off.’
“…Leading mass uprisings…”
‘There goes next Thursday’s workers rally…’
“…Inciting violence against the crown…”
‘Better return that Legion of the Damned to Tartarus then.’
“… Eating food with high sugar content…”
‘Avoid Pinkie Pie even more now.’
“Now if I can just get you to sign here, we can release you. Do try not to hurt yourself again.” The doctor noted wryly, finally finishing his assault against Soarin’s ears.
With a little too much enthusiasm Soarin signed the forms and vanished from the hospital foyer in a flurry of wing beats and a quick summersault.
“Hey, no stunt flying!” The doctor yelled after him.
 
With the doctor’s words ringing in his ears, Soarin buzzed out of hospital, glad to finally have the chance to fly through the open sky again. He flapped his wings a few times and went into a lazy spin, his mind racing from the simple stunt.
“Oi, dickhead!”
Soarin ignored the voice, assuming its owner was after somepony else.
“Hey, Soarin I’m talking to you!” The voice said again much closer.
Soarin flapped spun upside down and looked upwards towards the source of the voice.
“I respond better to my actual name for the record.” He said, locking eyes with his boss.
Rainbow Dash ignored him and flew through the sky a few metres above him.
“What do you want?” Soarin asked, trying to sound polite.
“You’re out of hospital.”
Soarin looked at her as if she’d grown a second head. “Well obviously.”
“I don’t like that attitude.”
“There are a lot of things you don’t like, me being one of them right?”
“It’s early enough that you can go help Flitter and Cloud Chaser in the south quadrant. Get going.” Rainbow said, brushing Soarin’s question off. She turned to leave.
“Hey, I’m not done with you.” Soarin barked, wheeling after her. “I want to talk to you.”
“Well I don’t.”
“Look, just give me a chance.”
Rainbow Dash was silent.
“Please?”
“Soarin, go away. Please.” She said flatly.
“What’s the big problem? I tried to apologise, I’m doing my best here okay? Look, I did some bad things ok, and I regret that.” Soarin mumbled.
Dash rolled her eyes and continued to pretend he didn’t exist.
“Hey, don’t just ignore me!” Soarin said exasperated. “Damn it, why can’t you just listen?! If you weren’t being such an immature li-.”
He was cut off by a blow to the jaw.
“Don’t go there.” Rainbow growled. “I’ve got enough things to deal with at the moment without you following me around begging for forgiveness. I don’t care that you’re sorry.”
“Isn’t that what you want though?” Soarin asked, massaging his jaw.
“Just go do your job. Please.” She said, whipping around.
 “I’m sorry.” Soarin whispered.
“I know.” She muttered before flapping off.
 
 
“See, what did I tell ya? She’s mad.” Flitter said doing a barrel roll with a cloud. She did the trick a few more times before poking her tongue out at her sister.
“There. 126 cloud rolls. Beat’cha.” She said.
“Yeah, yeah… Show-off.” Cloud Chaser muttered, planting her face in her own small cloud.
Flitter donned a triumphant grin and turned back to Soarin.
“Just give some time and some space. She’ll open up eventually.”
Cloud Chaser snicked softly, earning a disapproving look from Soarin.
“What’s the big deal anyway? Last I heard you two broke up.” Cloud Chaser said, trying to sound nonchalant.
“How many times do I have to say this, she’s not my girlfriend!” Soarin groaned.
Cloud Chaser failed to hide her enthusiasm remarkably poorly.
“No. Bad pony.” Flitter muttered, procuring a rolled up newspaper and whacking Cloud Chaser over the head with it.
Cloud Chaser whimpered softly.
Soarin shuffled his hooves and pulled a tuft of cloud out from the cloud and started playing with it in an effort to distract himself.
“I don’t know why I care so much.” He muttered. “It just seems so important now.”
Cloud Chaser and Flitter exchanged a knowing look.
“Soarin and Rainbow Dash sitting in a tree…” Flitter sung in an annoyingly childish voice.
Soarin screwed his eyes shut and folded his ears against his head.
“K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” Cloud Chaser finished with a giggle.
“What are you, eight?” Soarin groaned as the two sisters started their little sing-song again.
“I must say, you’re turning the most delightful shade of red.” Flitter said playfully.
“Shut up.” Soarin said into his cloud, wishing it open up and swallow him whole.
“Aww, what’s the matter big guy? Too shy to talk to her about it? I thought you’d be plenty familiar especially after you autographed her inn- OW!” Cloud Chaser shrieked as Flitter hit her with the newspaper again.
“Give him a break. Not everypony is good with that sort of stuff. Have you ever had a girlfriend Soarin?”
“Not that I can remember. I mean, not a real one.” Soarin mumbled.
“See, look at the poor thing, he doesn’t know what to do.” Flitter crooned.
“Stop that.” Soarin snapped, feeling like he was being treated like a baby.
“Flitter!” Cloud Chaser complained, not understanding why it was okay for her sister to tease Soarin but not her.
“Alright, alright. Sheesh. Look Soarin, whatever beef you and Rainbow Dash have, I’m sure you c-.”
“What are we sayin’ about me?”
Flitter’s eyes nearly popped out of her head.
“Oh, hey Rainbow… Didn’t expect to see you here.” She said awkwardly.
“I work here.” Rainbow Dash said flatly.
“Oh… uh… really? How’s that going?”
Soarin let out a muffled groan and slammed his head repeatedly into the cloud beneath him.
“So um… What’s up?”
“I’m calling an early day. You two home and get some rest. You’ve had a busy day.”
She turned to Soarin.
“Soarin, I need you to cover for me over in the west quarter for an hour or so before you finish. There was a large storm front moving in when I left so hurry it up.”
“Bu- wha-?”
“That’s an order. Now get going.”
“But Flitter and Cloud Chaser get to finish early!” Soarin protested.
“Does it look like I give a shit? I’ve given you a job, now go do it."
Soarin let an annoyed look creep onto his face as Rainbow Dash spun around and flew off.
“Go get her tiger.” Flitter said with a wink.
Soarin ignored her and leapt off the cloud towards the west with a flurry of curses.
 
‘An hour?! Celestia’s balls, I show her an hour.’ Thought bitterly as he shoved his door open, his teeth chattering merrily away like a jackhammer. The storm had hit with a force comparable to the storm around the weather machine albeit on a much smaller scale and it had taken several hours for Soarin to bring it under a modicum of control only for the storm to disperse on its own.
‘I’ll bet that storm never would have reached Ponyville, it was made to be short and violent. She played around with me.’ Soarin thought as he rubbed his wings together, trying to get some feeling back in the numb limbs.
Rainbow Dash had also somehow failed to mention that the storm was not a rain storm which he had worked with before but a snow storm and much to Soarin’s surprise when he kicked a cloud it spat snow at him, covering him in a freezing layer of icy slush.
Within twenty minutes Soarin had almost been turned into an icicle from the continued barrage of snow and ice.
Soarin fumbled around his dark home, searching for the light switch.
“Bloody hell.” He mumbled through chattering teeth as he tripped over something on the floor. There was a tiny crack as a small cluster of icicles broke off his nose and embedded themselves in the floor.
Soarin lay sprawled over the floor, too exhausted to bother picking himself up.
“I’ll just to go to sleep here then.” He said to nothing in particular, bunching up a tuft of cloud from the floor to use as a pillow.
‘Too cold.’
Reluctantly, Soarin hauled himself off the floor and dragged himself up the flight of stairs to his bedroom.
‘Bed, what would I do without yoouuu?’ His thought trailed off dumbly as he pulled himself through his bedroom door.
His bedroom was missing.
‘What?! No, no, no, no!’ Soarin thought frantically as he searched the night sky for the missing room.
His bedroom had had a bad anchor to the rest of the house for a while now and now his reluctance to fix it had finally bitten him in the arse.
‘Bloody hell.’ Soarin thought as he spied the floating room drifting a few hundred metres away. Stretching his numb wings, Soarin flapped through the sky after his errant room.
After closing the distance and getting behind it, Soarin pushed the room slowly back towards the rest of the house, his strength sapped by his cold muscles and hours of weather clearing.
’Almost there…’
Now he just had to remount it.
“Get on there you bastard!” Soarin growled, shoving the room against the small mounting spar on the wall.
“I said on!” He roared, frustrated by his lack of success.
The room stubbornly refused to mount the spar.
“I. SAID. ON!” Soarin yelled, bucking the room hard.
Maybe a little too hard.
The piece of abused wall collapsed under his kick and the room sailed into the house, snapping the mounting spar and crashing into the house itself.
With a home built with of wood and brick, this would have led to a spectacularly loud crash and a hilarious pile of debris as both structures tried to occupy the same spot, but with a cloud house, the clouds passed through each other and reformed, effectively locking the bedroom inside the rest of the house at a crazy angle.
Soarin's eyes bulged.
A barely held back profanity too crude for this rating threatened to slip through his lips.
Soarin threw his head back and roared angrily, venting his frustration on a few poor unfortunate clouds that happened to be nearby, sending the fluffy white cumulus to whatever their version of hell was.
“You know what, screw it. I’ll just sleep on the floor tonight.” Soarin grumbled, bringing his temper under control.
Skirting around the chaotic structure of clouds, Soarin re-entered his lounge room and flopped down on the lounge, his wings falling open and hanging limply by his sides.
‘Could this get any worse?’ Soarin thought, his eyes slowly drooping shut.
 
 
“SCREEEEEEEEE!”
“Bugger, shit, banana juggling thundercu-.” Soarin garbled, waking up in an instant.
Rubbing his face, Soarin peered around for the noise. The sun had barely risen above the horizon and was casting a bright red glow across the room despite the grey sky.. A small flicker of movemnt in the shadows above him caught Soarin's attention.
“SCRRREEE!”
Soarin’s eyes snapped around and came to rest on a large falcon perched above his head.
The bird blinked at him.
Soarin blinked back.
The bird blinked again.
“I’m not playing your silly game…” Soarin muttered swatting the air. “Now bugger off.”
The falcon didn’t flinch and watched his hoof expectantly.
“SCREEEE!”
“Shut up you cock-head, find somepony else to be an alarm clock for.”
The falcon made a clucking noise which could have been interpreted as laughter. It flapped its powerful wings a few times and landed on Soarin, its sharp claws tearing into his skin.
“Ow ow ow ow ow ow. Bloody hell, get off me! Your claws are like damn razers!” Soarin exclaimed rolling over to dislodge the bird. “What do you want? A chew toy? Food?”
The falcon bobbed its head up and down a few times.
“Well then get it yourself you tosser.” Soarin moaned. He yelped in pain as the falcon started nibbling his ear.
“Son of a-…” He grumbled, swatting he bird away. It flapped around for a moment before landing on his kitchen bench.
It screeched again, alternating between bobbing up and down and skittering up and down the bench top.
Soarin sat up, a lance of pain shooting down his leg from where the bird’s sharp claws had parted his skin. A few thin trails of blood ran down his leg and dripped onto the couch, turning it a shade that reminded him uncomfortably of Pinkie Pie.
“Bloody hell” Soarin mumbled, inspecting the half dozen or so small but deep cuts along his leg.
The falcon clucked triumphantly.
“Shut up.” Soarin snapped, trotting over to the small cabinet in the kitchen where he kept bandages.
The bird watched intently as Soarin expertly dressed his wounds.
A few soft taps came from the door
The falcon screeched again and darted across the kitchen, away from the front door.
A few more soft taps came from the door.
‘What new fresh hell is this?’ Soarin wondered, limping to the door and flinging it open with a leg.
“Whhaaat!?” He asked irritably.
“Oh… Um… Never mind. Sorry I bothered you.” An impossibly quiet voice belonging to a butter coloured Pegasus said hiding shyly behind her pink mane. She looked somehow familiar but Soarin couldn’t quite place her.
Soarin rolled his eyes. ‘Let’s try that again.’
“Sorry for sounding like a arse-hat, but it’s hard to sound nice when you’re woken up at the crack of dawn by an eagle who likes ripping things up, namely me.”
The Pegasus’ eyes widened slightly. “Oh my. I hope he hasn’t caused much trouble for you.” She whispered.
“Much trouble?” Soarin deadpanned. He showed her his in progress bandaging. “No trouble at all. I’ll take it the eagle is yours?”
“He’s a falcon.”
“Same shit, different smell.”
“I’m awfully sorry Mister; he was outside this morning when a loud crash frightened him off. I tried to catch him but he was too fast.”
“Well, just get rid of it will you?” Soarin muttered standing aside to allow the shy Pegasus inside. As she walked in Soarin realised where had seen her.
“Hey you look familiar… You were at the Grand Galloping Gala a few years ago weren’t you?”
“Oh… That…” She said, a faint blush appearing on her face.
“Nice work with the animal stampede, hilarious if you ask me.”
She let out a faint squeak and blushed fiercer.
“SCREEEE!” The falcon cried out as it spied the new arrival; it flapped furiously into the highest corner of the kitchen, trying to get away from the animal carer.
“Oh no… come down now, you’ll hurt yourself.” She said quietly.
“SCREEE!” The falcon cried again, flapping harder. It spotted Soarin, quickly reversed direction and swooped into his mane, hanging wildly from the end for a moment before disappearing inside. It poked its head out and screeched again.
“Get out of there.” Soarin said, trying to dislodge the stubborn bird.
“He doesn’t like me very much sorry. He seems to like you though…”
“Well I don’t like him.” Soarin said flustered. He managed to prise the bird out of his mane but let it go when it dug his claws into his hoof. It disappeared inside the dark blue tangle of hair in a heartbeat.
“Maybe you could keep him?”
“Ah-ha-ha, not likely. The little bugger could give me chocolates and a bouquet of flowers and I still wouldn’t li-…” Soarin trailed off, a stupid idea forming in his brain.
A crazy, stupid idea.
“Actually…”
 
SCREEE!”
“Ah shut up you bastard.” Soarin snapped trying to open the door without letting the falcon out.
“Look, stay. I have to work and you have to do whatever it is you do, even if that be shit on the carpet and annoy my neighbours.”
The bird made another clucking noise.
“I need a name for you... I can’t just keep calling you profanities.” Soarin muttered as he slowly opening the door and slipped through. “Well… I could, but… Nah.” He concluded, screwing his face up in disgust.
Soarin shivered and spread his wings. A chilly southern wind had picked up overnight and was blowing over the town, bringing with it the first hints of winter.
Soarin clamped his mouth shut and flapped his wings a few times before leaping off what could be considered his patio. He glided a short distance above Ponyville before diving down sharply to land neatly in front of the pub. The low sound of chatter reached his ears and a few moments later Doc appeared around the corner followed closely by Flitter and Cloud Chaser.
“Morning.” Doc said cheerily.
Soarin nodded in greeting.
“Lovely morning, reminds me of Trottingham.” His wings rubbed together excitedly. “Love the cold.” He continued.
“Oh really?” Soarin asked.
“Well… I’ve never been there but I like it anyway.”
Soarin nodded again, vaguely recalling the far-fetched tale of Doc’s origin.
“How’ve you been?” Doc asked quietly, his eyes darting around nervously.
“Terrible.” Soarin responded curtly.
Doc clicked his tongue as the silence drew out inexorably.
“Soarin.” He stuttered. “What… What do you know about… you know?” He jerked his head towards the twins.
“Flitter and Cloud Chaser?” His brow furrowed in confusion.” I’d think you’d know more about them tha-.”
“No, them.” Doc said again, his face flushing slightly.
“What, mares?”
Doc nodded.
Soarin contemplated for a moment before answering.
“Enough.”
“Do you think you could give me... urh… some pointers or something?”
“The way I’m going you’d probably be better asking somepony else.”
“I thought you and Rainbow were-.”
Soarin cut him off with a sidelong glance.
“Oh. Right… Sorry.” Doc mumbled.
“Gonna head on in?” Flitter interrupted, holding the pub door open for her sister. A wave of warm air washed out of the small building and the smell of cooked food tingled Soarin’s sinuses.
“Uh… I’ll just be a sec.” Soarin said, his usual instincts to eat first and ask questions later being pushed off a cliff.
“Suit yourself.” She said, letting a flustered Doc past and closing the door behind her.
The biting cold returned and Soarin stamped his hooves against the ground a few times to try and get some warmth back in them, his eyes meanwhile searching the sky for his quarrel.
The furrow on his brow deepened as time ticked on.
Rainbow Dash was never late.
A pair of specks appeared in the grey sky and a few moments later they resolved into two pegasi.
“Thunderlane?” Soarin whispered as he noticed the grey stallion flying next to Rainbow Dash.
The two angled their flight path down and within a few seconds landed perfectly in front of him.
“Oh hey Thunderlane, hey Rainbow Dash.” Soarin said.
Rainbow Dash ignored him and shoved him aside.
“What’s her problem?” Thunderlane muttered as the door the pub swung open and shut, letting another blast of warm air into the street.
“You don’t want to know.” Soarin said,
“Eh, I might have an idea anyway.” Thunderlane said, a devilish grin appearing on his face.
“You look happy.”
“Got a problem with that? Thunder asked, suddenly defensive.
“Uh… no? I was just saying…”
“Right… of course.” He said, his talkative mood evaporating rapidly. He shoved the door opened and closed it again, leaving Soarin alone in the biting cold wind.
 
When Soarin entered the pub, the usually quiet building was bustling. The weather team was clustered around their regular table and several other ponies milled around the room. Much to his surprise a pair of griffons sat in the corner talking quietly.
Picking his way across the room, Soarin plunked himself down on a chair next to Doc and listened half-heartedly to the small pep talk Rainbow was giving the team.
He was more interested in the breakfast laid out in front of him.
“Winter is coming. We’d better brace ourselves for a busy week or two.” Rainbow Dash said, flicking through a schedule of some sort. “The up-tops are calling for an earlier deadline for winter than last year so we’ve got to the same amount of work in less time. I have total faith that we can bring winter in within the time though, especially now that we have a new hoof on the team. Soarin.”
Soarin looked up from his plate.
“You’re still new at this and as much as I hate to, I’ve still got a lot to teach you. As you may have figured out from yesterday snow behaves much differently from rain.” A quiet round of snickers went around the table as the team imagined Soarin helplessly clearing snow.
Soarin groaned; more lessons with Dash would be tantamount to a death sentence.
“Why can’t Doc teach me?” Soarin objected.
“If you want it done right, do it yourself.” Rainbow quipped, grinning in a way that made Soarin feel slightly uncomfortable.
‘Yep, I’m boned.’
 
“Again.” Rainbow Dash said, shoving another snow laden cloud towards Soarin.
Soarin growled and stopped the cloud with an outstretched hoof. He had been trying the same basic drill for the last five hours straight. Dash had been relentless and had only allowed a single, short break to allow his tired muscles to rest.
Taking a breath, he tore apart the cloud, breaking it down into small chunks.
“Stop!” Rainbow cried out.
“What now?” Soarin grumbled, hiding his irritation expertly,
“Too small, you’ll spend minutes on a single cloud. Speed is essential.”
“I’d like to see you do it better.” Soarin snapped.
Without a word Rainbow took a cloud, disassembled it and then reknitted it together in the space of a few seconds.
“Just shut up and stop questioning my every word, got it?” She retorted.
“Yes ma’am.” Soarin said icily.
“Again. And try to do it right this time.” She said, flinging another cloud at him.
Soarin gnashed his teeth together and started disassembling the cloud only to be stopped halfway through again.
“Too big, you’ll end up whiter than Celestia snorting sugar if you try to knock that around. Now, again.” She reassembled the cloud and hurled it at Soarin.
“I swear if she…” Soarin muttered under his breath as he diced the cloud.
“Stop!”
“What now, your highness?” Soarin snapped.
“Too small again, we’ve been over this.” She said, ignoring his scathing words. “Now, do it again.”
“No.”
“Excuse me?”
“No.” Soarin said defiantly.
“You’d better think real hard about the next words that you say. Now do it again.”
“No.”
Soarin’s insubordination didn’t go down well with Rainbow Dash. Her eyes narrowed to vicious slits.
“I see what you’re doing. The snowstorm yesterday, the endless drills today. You really think I’m dumb enough to not realise what you’re doing? You’re deliberately wasting my time and making me look like a fool just so you get some… some sense of satisfaction? Some revenge?” Soarin said, trying to keep his voice level.
“You think I’d deliberately waste my time hanging around here with you?” Rainbow shot back. "I have better things to do."
Soarin blinked, he hadn’t considered that.
“Listen buddy, I’m teaching you this out the kindness of my heart so don’t you forget that. It might seem like I’m being harsh but I just want you to do it right. I might not like you very much but that doesn’t mean I have to go around being an arsehole. Maybe that’s something you should learn. Now do the drill again.”
“But… But what about the snow storm?” Soarin said flustered.
“I like to throw ponies in the metaphorical deep end. And then release a shark. Forces you to learn quickly. Now run the drill, I don’t want to have to tell you again.”
Soarin hung in the air for a moment.
“I’m… Sorry. I should have thought better of you than to be so petty.”
“Drop it.” She said, hurling the abused cloud at him again.
Soarin diced the cloud again, earning a silent but approving nod from Dash.
“Look, Rainbow…”
“Soarin.” She growled
“No, it’s something I need to get off my chest. Look… About what happened last week at the hospital… I’m sorry.”
“I know.”
I said some things I shouldn’t have; you said some things you shouldn’t have… Can we just put it behind us?”
Dash looked thoughtful for a moment
“I’m pretty sure you deserved everything I said.”
Soarin glared at her.
“Seriously though… I guess I should apologise too.”
“You don’t need to apologise.”
“I should though; I’ve been pushing you so hard over the last two weeks. I suppose I’ve just been wanting the old times back.”
“What do you mean?” Soarin asked, his ears perking up in curiosity.
“Actually, forget I said anything. It’s nothing.” She said hastily, slapping two hooves together. “Now run the drill again.”
Soarin diced another cloud into fluffy chunks, very much aware that he had heard something she didn’t want him to.
“So are we cool?” He finally asked.
Dash just shrugged.